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Vanilla partners - 5/18/2004 12:06:55 PM

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dixiedumpling

I, for one, can see the need for ProDoms. I am sub and married to vanilla. Years of hinting, providing articles describing a spanking, outright asking have done nothing to educate my husband. <snip>

dixiedumpling,

I hope you don't mind me tranfering your quote from the "sex in sessions" thread.
I think the subject of a sub married to a vanilla is an interesting one, and thought I'd get a thread started on this issue to see what other people do.

I'm in a similar situation: a sub (more of a bottom) as the bdsm driving force in a 22 year marriage. But I don't see myself as being married to a vanilla. I'm just married to a top with way more limits than me!

In these relationships I think aftercare is crucial. Aftercare for him. I have to find out his feelings about what it is that we just did. It turns out he's unhappy doing anything to me that he regards as abuse (like spanking, unfortunately).

However, there are other sorts of things he is willing and able to do that can serve the same purpose as spanking, (and keep me happy)... pinching, for example.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/18/2004 12:46:16 PM

Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

AHHH TAINT
NUTTIN LIKE
FREE ENTERPRISE!
PUBLIC NEED =
PRO DOM/MES
EMPLOYMENT!!

This is the first subject
January I have no
personal experiance
on being everyone
around Me is into the
Life so its the first article
Ill not make comment
on but yes it is a very
good subject and I for
One cannot wait to read
whats posted!!

(in reply to January)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/18/2004 2:56:29 PM

Posts: 1633
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

January,

I just want to say thanks for explaing why you open with a quote and you are the first poster. Boy was I confused.

Another possibility is a marriage with 2 subs.

In anycase pros are wicked cool and deserve high praise, not D.A.s

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to January)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/18/2004 3:28:30 PM

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I have known two different slaves that had been married to men that were submissive. Both of them said that they and their husbands were miserable. I can't imagine that type of a relationship ever working.

(in reply to iwillserveu)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/18/2004 5:03:21 PM

Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

hmmmm\
submissive men
are not vanilla
but D/s
~smiles~
I have a submissive
and a slave whom
are married both
kolared by Me and
their relationship
works great.

(in reply to Estring)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/18/2004 5:08:47 PM

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
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There are many submissive men that aren't in this lifestyle who are in fact vanilla. That was part of the reason that the marriages of the slaves I knew didn't work. Maybe the couple you cite were bound by those mythical slave contracts you keep talking about?

(in reply to MistressDREAD)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/18/2004 5:38:55 PM

Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
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yes but did the marraige fail because
they were vanilla and the gurls slaves
or because they were submissive?

actually they were married befor My
contract now why would My contracts
be mythical? Why is My Word of any
less value then the next shmoo who
uses contracts?

(in reply to Estring)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/18/2004 7:45:01 PM

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

I know i've posted most of this before, but it fits this category. I was married 32 years before i was made aware of my submissive nature by an online dom. My marriage was very vanilla and the sex was usually boring to me but i never understood why until i learned what was missing. I was with my online dom for 2 years then with a real life dom for 6 months. During all that time i was afraid to say anything to hubby, never thought he would understand. My dom posted a pic of me naked cuffed to a door on a cam site online, and hubby saw it. I had a lot of explaining to do. That's how he found out about my bdsm interests. I couldn't believe how understanding he was and he is now my Master. He has a lot to learn and he is trying hard. However there are some things he isn't comfortable with because he doesn't want to hurt me or humiliate me. It has helped a lot to watch bondage videos together. He seems to spank a lot harder on those nights :) I wish he would visit sites like this but he is on a puter all day and has no interest in spending his free time on it too. I have always served and waited on hubby hand and foot, now i do it in an entirely different light and enjoy it so much more.

I chat with a couple of male subs from collarme who are in vanilla marriages. I understand how frustrating it can be.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to January)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/21/2004 11:20:31 AM

Posts: 456
Joined: 5/10/2004
From: southeast Mississippi
Status: offline

My marriage is ok. There are times when I'm quite satisfied and others when for $5000 and a new identity I'd happily pinch his pointy little head off and disappear. He has told me he isn't into hurting me. And you can't deny it, a lot of what a Dom does to a sub is painful. However, it also increases my sexual desire. He doesn't get it. And I'm beginning to think he never will. How can I explain the why's when there aren't any? It just is. That's his main problem. He doesn't understand that sometimes there is no good reason; it's just personal preference.

(in reply to proudsub)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/21/2004 11:37:37 AM

Posts: 22
Joined: 4/29/2004
Status: offline

I would be curious to know what people think / feel about women subs or Dommeswho go outside of marriage to fulfill their BDSM verses men Dom or subs who do the same. Is their a difference to you?

(in reply to dixiedumpling)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/21/2004 12:49:33 PM

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dunimos

I would be curious to know what people think / feel about women subs or Dommeswho go outside of marriage to fulfill their BDSM verses men Dom or subs who do the same. Is their a difference to you?

In my opinion, I think bdsm outside marriage is cheating no matter what the gender. And it's a serious infidelity because bdsm is more intimate and intense than mere sex.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to Dunimos)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/21/2004 1:47:42 PM

Posts: 22
Joined: 4/29/2004
Status: offline

that brings up a good point, if "sex" or rather actual intercourse is not involved is it still infidelity?

(in reply to January)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/21/2004 2:41:37 PM

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Joined: 4/17/2004
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Yes.

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to Dunimos)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/21/2004 3:17:34 PM

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Yes. Unless it's anal and not actual intercourse.

(in reply to January)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/21/2004 3:41:24 PM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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January made her answer very brief, but I would like to expand on it. I truly believe that the emotional attactment as well as the physical attachment is much stronger in BDSM relationships than in vanilla ones. There is so much more of a bond, and the intimacy levels seem so much deeper. This is strictly my experience and my opinion, but I have found them to be quite common in the lifestyle. I agree that if you are within the bonds of marriage and you are involved in a relationship with someone else, it is infidelity. If you are in doubt, ask the other person in the relationship if he or she would consider it infidelity. What do you think the answer will be? Just as we seek safe, sane, and consenual activities, when within a marriage, the same should apply...especially consensual. Now, if you have the consent of your marriage partner and he or she can take it, I say more power to you all. However, I wonder how long this can last. Is it ok forever and ever, amen? Somehow, I just doubt it.

_____________________________

"I assure you, Your Honor, I don't have to practice...I'm very good at them..."
(The Marquis de Sade at one of his trials for the sexual perversities he practiced)

(in reply to January)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/21/2004 3:42:27 PM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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Here the joke about Chelsea coming home and telling Hillary about her new boyfriend? Hillary asked if they had had sex. Chelsea said, "Well, not according to Dad."

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to Estring)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/21/2004 3:42:31 PM

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

that brings up a good point, if "sex" or rather actual intercourse is not involved is it still infidelity?

Ask Bill Clinton.

Another question--is cyber sex infidelity? My personal opinion on that is that it is an enhancement of self-pleasuring, more like playing with a video running. But i know a lot won't agree.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to Dunimos)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/21/2004 3:44:49 PM

Posts: 1633
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Who cares if "a lot" agree or not. The only opinion that matters in that case is your spouse's.

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to proudsub)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/21/2004 4:44:16 PM

Posts: 127
Joined: 4/28/2004
From: Delaware
Status: offline

quote:

I agree that if you are within the bonds of marriage and you are involved in a relationship with someone else, it is infidelity. If you are in doubt, ask the other person in the relationship if he or she would consider it infidelity. What do you think the answer will be? Just as we seek safe, sane, and consenual activities, when within a marriage, the same should apply...especially consensual. Now, if you have the consent of your marriage partner and he or she can take it, I say more power to you all. However, I wonder how long this can last. Is it ok forever and ever, amen? Somehow, I just doubt it.

When I was married, my husband was not a dominant. He could top, but he didn't enjoy it. We spent a lot of days, weeks, months and years discussing my needs, his needs, and how we could find fulfillment, be it togther or seperate. At that time, we decided I could seek bdsm outside of our marriage. Together we came up with one limit...vaginal intercourse...to be kept within the bonds of marriage. This worked for us for just over 10 years. Many times, he would even come to the dungeon and watch me play. Heck, he even acted as my safe call when I met doms!

In all of it I was honest with him....for *me* it was the only way it could work.

I took a big risk when I approached him with my desires....I was afraid he would think of the stereotypical BDSM....and he did. That is until I showed him writings, articles, my thoughts and others on what this lifestyle means....He came to understand we are no different really...simply wired different, perhaps with extra needs.
His acceptance didn't take place overnight....but it did happen, with education and patience.

Our marriage did *not* dissolve because of my bdsm...( nor will I go into the reasons for it) But even now he acts as my safe call sometimes, and has met many in the lifestyle who are still his friends.

(in reply to MistressKiss)

RE: Vanilla partners - 5/21/2004 5:09:34 PM

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Joined: 4/17/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub
Another question--is cyber sex infidelity?

Proudsub,

Back in the day, about 9 years ago, I fooled around on IRC on #cybersex. I got a huge kick out of it. The whole thing was new and fun. I never thought I was cheating because there was no real intimacy or love or affection or bonding in cybersex. Sure, I got aroused, but I could get the same kind of excitement by reading a romance novel--which is also not cheating.

That wasn't my husband's perspective. He believed I was cheating. That was the end of cybersex for me.

So although I still don't personally believe cybersex is cheating, I can't and won't knowingly cause my husband pain.

Jan

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to proudsub)

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