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When He needs you.... - 3/7/2007 5:48:44 PM

needHim

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

I am here under this name because I don't want Master to see that I have written anything about it.

We found out that my Master has Parkinsons, even though we are very grateful it isn't anything worse, it is still a bit of a blow to us. He is still pretty young, and its unusual for someone his age to even have it.

He has trouble now doing some things, I have to do the writing and things like that. I know that he will continue to have issues, and we aren't sure yet how well the meds will work. We are both hoping they can pretty much take care of any tremors and he can go back to work and to living a normal life.

I know that I will need to do things for him at some point, and to some extent I do already. I don't want him to feel like I don't think he can do things, but I hate so much to see him struggling. I am worried that he will feel like he has to do things on his own in order for me to still feel he is the dominant one in the relationship. I don't feel this way at all, but I know its very hard on him.

I am not sure how to approach things, and how to help him, without him feeling like I don't think he his capable of doing it on his own.

Its not how I expected to live, and our future is not going to be the same, but it doesn't change how much I love or respect him at all. I just want to make sure he always knows that.

It has pretty much taken away all play that we do, and I am learning to deal with that. I think it will take time for us both to adjust to living life in a different way, but I know we can do it if we stick together.

Any advice would be appreciated..

Thank you

Post #: 1

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/7/2007 6:26:36 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Of course, googling Michael J. Fox is worth it, there may be support and tip groups once you get there.

My advice, and I kinda mean this in a realistic way is a song sung by Leo Sayer:

When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so want to give you
It's only a heartbeat away

When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day

Miles and miles of empty space in between us
The telephone cant take the place of your smile
But you know I wont be travelin' forever
Its cold out, but hold out, and do I like I do
When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so wanna give you babe
It's only a heartbeat away

It's not easy when the road is your driver
Honey thats a heavy load that we bear
But you know I wont be traveling a lifetime
Its cold out but hold out and do like I do
Oh, I need you

When I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day

When I need you
I just close my eyes
And youre right here by my side
Keeping me warm night and day

I just hold out my hands
I just hold out my hand
And I'm with you darlin
Yes, I'm with you darlin
All I wanna give you
It's only a heartbeat away
Oh I need you darling

Julie or Ownie just posted an interesting article on the effects of your observations of the quantum world and the effect that you can have in it. This sentence may not make sense here, but you will see it's utility, if the one doesn't post on this thread or PM you, I strongly suggest you PM them and find out which one it was, and what the link was, I can't find it.

All my best to You and Yours,
Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to needHim)

Post #: 2

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/7/2007 6:26:42 PM

Cefoxitin

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

I understand your delima. I can tell you that your support is what will make him happiest.

Show he is still the master. give him an excuse to use you in tasks he has difficulty in but do not coddle him.

As far as play, i know what parkasans will do and i know the meds, and you will have a hopeful recovery of most prossesses once it is balanced.

Good luck

(in reply to needHim)

Post #: 3

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/7/2007 6:53:32 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

While I know that you're stuggling both individually and as a couple, you really do need to talk to him about your feelings. Posting anonymously on the net can get you a an "ear", but there's a limit to what we can do. We can help and lend support, but in the end, we're not involved.

Part of what might be going on is that you are projecting your own feelings of how you would feel in this situation if you were him. He may not feel these things. But, the only way to find out is to ask. And, it's hard when someone feels something totally different to what you think they should, too. Be patient, caring, kind and compassionate, both to yourself and to him.

There's lots of good places to find information about support groups and such. Plug into a few of those. They can help a great deal.

*hugs*

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to needHim)

Post #: 4

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/7/2007 7:06:05 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: needHim
I am here under this name because I don't want Master to see that I have written anything about it.

I suspect that if your Master sees this thread... he will know it is you. After all... The situation you describe is rather unique.

I wish you both well on this new chapter in your lives together.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to needHim)

Post #: 5

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/7/2007 7:32:20 PM

needHim

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

Thank you all very much, I appreciate it.

I guess because you put in the fact that his is retired military along with being my Master, its just not easy for him to admit that he needs my help with anything. I am sure we will be fine, it will just take time.

While I don't normally have trouble talking to him about things, its very hard for me to figure out how to approach this with him. I told him today that I would always be here for him no matter what, but that seems to make him uncomfortable. He always says, "I will be fine", and that is true to an extent, but he will also have to learn how to allow me to help him.

If he is unable to return to work, it will be sort of like our roles have reversed a bit. What I mean by that is, he worked, and I took care of the home and him. Now I am going to school, and we aren't sure if he can work anymore at all. I don't mind this, don't get me wrong. I have never felt it was anyones place to take care of me, and I have worked up until being with him, as long as I can remember. It just wasn't how our relationship was based, and if it comes to that, I believe he will feel he has failed me in some way. He always told me how he would take care of me, and how much he wanted me to be happy. I don't need to be taken care of in a money way, and I am happy as long as we are together.

I just want him comfortable and to make his life as easy as possible. I don't want him to think I don't think he is capable of taking care of himself though...and that makes a very fine line sometimes.

Thank you all again.. really, it means a lot right now.. I have come to value all of the people I have gotten to know on here over the last several months, and I feel comfortable turning to you at this point in my life.

PS.. He won't know it was me, because he searches for my name and doesn't just read the posts.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 6

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/7/2007 7:42:20 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

I'm sorry to hear of your misfortune. I can't pretend to know what it's like to be in that situation.

Communication and love will hopefully help you during this difficult time.

I wish you the best. <3

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to needHim)

Post #: 7

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/7/2007 7:45:54 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

I don't know if this will help or not, but I'm going to post it anyway, just in case. It is referring to a conversation I had with my Dad in the last month or so of his life.

He was in the hospital and very frustrated. The doctor had come in to fill us in on the latest update and my Dad, a strong and independent man, a Naval officer, and a man whose work was so top secret his family could not even know, was fed up. He was tired of us asking what he ate that day, when he went to the bathroom and how much, and did he take his meds? This was not the life he wanted.

I sat on the side of his bed and took his hand. I looked at him and said, "Dad, this situation, as well all know, is fucked up. Really Dad, it's fucked (I never ever swore to my Dad). Life as you know it has changed. You have no privacy anymore. We are all hovering over you all the time, treating you like an invalid. But guess what, Dad - we love you. You are my Daddy. You have taken care of me my entire life. And I only ask you to please allow me this opportunity to do whatever I can to make your situation less painful for you. I don't personally care when you went to the bathroom, Dad. But I have to tell your doctor so we can monitor what your body is doing. I am helpless, Dad, and all I can do is love you and try to help you feel better. I know you are frustrated. I know you are angry. I know you feel helpless to this disease. But for God's sake, let me love you the way I know how to love you."

He cried. I cried. And he understood that no dignity is lost when accepting love.

I do wish you both the best. And remember to take care of yourself - eat well, get your rest, and have an outlet. Often times the caretaker has as difficult a time as the ill. You both are in my thoughts.

(in reply to needHim)

Post #: 8

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/7/2007 7:59:48 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Service is service. It will be very difficult for you both, but deal with it together and openly. As long as you continue to show that you support him and are within his authority, and as long as he can openly address the issues and give it time, there's a fair shot at being good together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 9

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/7/2007 8:14:25 PM

yugla

Posts: 67
Joined: 1/14/2005
Status: offline

ownedgirlie, your story and words are beautiful. This thread and your words, unknowingly, relates to a part in my life.

I intended after reading all who had replied to add my words of wisdom but wonder if anything I can say here would surpass what has been, or what will be added in future posts.

Needhim, allow him do what he can on his own. Even the simplest tasks done solo will be reward of mind for him. Your actions should be those that he does not know you did to make his life better. He will fall and get back up but do not overly help. Do not make him feel helpless but rather ask for his help. Ask for his advice.

Be Well

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 10

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/7/2007 8:49:23 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yugla

ownedgirlie, your story and words are beautiful.

Thank you for the kind words, Yugla. I feel that caring for someone does not have to mean loss of dignity for the person.

(in reply to yugla)

Post #: 11

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/7/2007 11:12:22 PM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

You may want to see if there is a Well Spouse group near you. They work with spouses who are dealing with chronic conditions. The ill-spouses can have a wide variety of illnesses, but the constant is that every spouse there is having to deal with issues that are difficult, including ones that sound like yours. You aren't alone. There are others who have gone through similar situations. If there's a group near you, they can give you support no one else could because they really do understand. They are living it too.

Just my thoughts....

(in reply to needHim)

Post #: 12

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/8/2007 5:05:15 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

My suggestion is to research Parkinson's. It effects people differently. Many are at their best in the morning and drag as the day continues and it can become more problematic when they are tired. Perhaps adjust your schedule likewise, if your Master has less symptoms during the morning. Be proactive instead of reactive. Meaning do what you can to make his day easier as he struggles, show you are there through actions. Find a group (such as a yahoo group) where people are talking about Parkinson's and find out what their day-to-day experiences are. This will help you be prepared. Good luck as you tackle this.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to sublizzie)

Post #: 13

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/8/2007 5:20:01 AM

notsurebutsweet

Posts: 36
Joined: 10/28/2006
Status: offline

hun yes please do not forget to take care of you. i took care of my grandmother for 6 years and at times got burnt out because i did not take care of me. ask for permission to go to the movies or just to go to the mall. at times you are going to need some time for yourself as an outlet. and asking for permission still lets Him know that He is in cahrge of what and where you go.

Y/you are both in my prayers.

(in reply to needHim)

Post #: 14

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/8/2007 1:12:25 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

my advice would be to work on getting the situation at hand under some control, and then worry about play. make sure you continue to take care of yourself, as well as him. my dominant recently had some medical issues, and i have ongoing medical issues that often impact our play and our relationship...once we got used to things, though, it didn't erase all of our play and i learned to not be disappointed when we don't play. please, please make sure you take care of you, though. *hugs* burn out is unfortunately terribly common. it might be good to go to a couple's counselor or even separate counselors who specialize in grief or illness issues (yes, a relationship change as big as this, and illness like this, fits under the speciality of a grief counselor)...just to work on any things that come up for both of you emotionally over this big change.

*huge hugs* good luck.

(in reply to needHim)

Post #: 15

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/8/2007 1:50:07 PM

OnlyHis

Posts: 137
Joined: 2/25/2004
Status: offline

needHim, First, let me commend you for thinking so much about what your Master needs or may need in the future. I have heard a few subs and slaves say if their Master could not do this or that they would have to leave. It is refreshing to read how understanding you are towards this disease your Master has and how you are standing beside him.

Someone said don't coddle him that is good advice as i am sure he may feel like he is failing you and the relationship in some ways. Be there to assure him that it is still as important to you today as it was months ago. Just stand by your Master and support him in any way you can.

All the best to both of you. You should be proud of your strength as should your Master be proud of his own and yours too.

(in reply to needHim)

Post #: 16

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/8/2007 2:08:46 PM

BreatheinToMe

Posts: 58
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Service is service. It will be very difficult for you both, but deal with it together and openly. As long as you continue to show that you support him and are within his authority, and as long as he can openly address the issues and give it time, there's a fair shot at being good together.

Caregivers are a special bread. Your calling is/will be a bit more complicated with what LA mentions here. And also remember support is not coddling.
Peace

Breathe

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 17

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/8/2007 2:09:39 PM

mynded

Posts: 137
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline

intended after reading all who had replied to add my words of wisdom but wonder if anything I can say here would surpass what has been, or what will be added in future posts.

My thoughts most of the time too Yugla.

I also agree its imperitve that you make time for yourself and attend support group for parkinson's caregivers.

Huggss you tight and salutes you for sticking by your Dom when things got tough.

(in reply to OnlyHis)

Post #: 18

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/8/2007 3:42:14 PM

hereyesruponyou

Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline

Be there. Be supportive. Do what you can. Forgive yourself for what you can't do. I haven't dealt with parkinson's but have dealt with a prolonged illness and death of a spouse and soulmate. Feel free to contact me on the other side any time.

Big hugs. Our thoughts will be with you.

(in reply to mynded)

Post #: 19

RE: When He needs you.... - 3/9/2007 5:22:10 PM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

VERY sorry to hear my Father has it before he passed.
My only suggestion is treat him with all the respect he demands of you,
it will be a hard road for you as he will be very stubborn

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to needHim)

Post #: 20

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