chrissyslave
Posts: 95
Joined: 1/13/2007
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The OP seems to be speaking of "second chances" addresses someone leaving the relationship, then later coming back and trying to reestablish it, which is a very MAJOR type of asking for a second opportunity. And I believe that such a drastic step would deserve major evaluation of what has changed, or could be altered, for either party to the relationship (including if the abandoned person/dom had anything significant to do with the decision to leave).
However, other responders to the OP are speaking of behavior within the ongoing relationship which often times is currently being adjusted to meet the demands of the other person...mostly to the dominant's preferences, and the sub has a certain difficulty in maintaining a certain criteria of performance, and due perhaps more to circumstances other than their will and desire to stay in the relationship. So there is both a learning curve and a capacity curve (outside of mental aspects or even the person themselves) by those attempting to stay in the relationship and being given continued opportunities to make the required adjustments are a FAR different kind of second (or third, or fourth, etc.) "chance." So I would contend here that those kinds of "second chance" (performance type) responses are NOT the kind of situation that is being asked about here (re-establishment of a broken off relationship), though some areas may overlap in consideration.
So my main point is that I can tell there are two types of situations that responders have brought up, one relevant directly to the OP, and the other type, performance based within the ongoing relationship, which is confusing the main issue, which is when to allow a reunion of the other party when a complete break has been done, and that in fact before the break that the relationship may NOT have had performance issues that caused it (but one party's fears or insecurities may have) so I'm hearing apples and oranges, and one is about remaking the basket and the other views are more about what is in it and whether that warrants tossing the basket.
I certainly hope that the responses of the abandoned party, mostly the dominants, would be quite different for either type of concern, and the reasoning for the failure of performance verus abandonment be investigated using different criteria, which would be useful in evaluating the appropriateness of their current decision making. The need for a second chance also suggests concerns of the type and level of communication that occurred up front so the expectations and motivations of either were clear from the beginning of the relationship. The OP example used was about abandonment of even the lifestyle which is more comparable to whether someone believes in marriage, and not just being married to you in particular.
Clearly some of this type of result is a known risk of taking on a novice, and therefore is not so much about blame and failure of even that particular relationship, but acknowledging that many newbies do back away from the lifestyle or fluctuate within it before finding the right elements and person to which to connect with for the longer term. So thumbs up to those have stated that upon a request for a second chance they first do a thorough investigation of where the returning person's head is now at, and their own motivations for wanting to be in that particular relationship (logical versus emotional...good point), and whether they are willing to take on the adjusted risk with this person. The decisions whether to do so or not by dominants I think often more reflect their level of risk aversion (to each their own), and reaction to a perceived rejection, instead of whether or not the "second chance" has a reasonable level of success.
So being more a listener to this topic, I look for the reasoning for the decision whether to allow a true "second chance" and whether the dominant makes any effort to evaluate their own part of taking on such risks, up front and at the second chance time. A few very good responses here so far. The apples offered up so far, performance within a relationship not yet broken, deserves to be in another thread in my view.
My current hearing of experiences in the broader community is there is often both a failure to communicate, and a failure of expectations....by either party. My one suggestion for at least the initial phrase of relationships is that it have a performance evaluation done every month or even three months for both parties so levels of performance and satisfaction be gauged more accurately (and even if the relationship is working out as wanted/option to leave it), and all the so called "blame" doesn't automatically get dumped on the party that leaves. And consider that some match-ups were not really good ones from the beginning, so leaving was not a failure but the logical outcome, and second chances only further delays that eventuality, and others were successful with the mental adjustments made (apart from any ongoing performance ones). So I appreciate some of the responds to this topic so far, and others are just apples being tossed into the basket as a type of blame game.
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