Do you really care? (Full Version)

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stormsfate -> Do you really care? (4/13/2005 7:43:27 PM)

Another topic that could just have easily gone in the poll section, but I decided to post it here.

I see quite a large number of threads wherein someone generally pipes up with something in regard to another person being "real" or a "true" dominant or submissive. Out of curiosity, I started browsing some profiles, and wouldn't you know it...the prevelant phrase in a majority of them stated something along the lines of "I'm a real _________" or "I'm a true ___________" and pointing out that anyone who responds should be "real" or "true", too.

Add to this phenomena the suggestions being made in the suggestion forum about requiring people to put up a certain type of picture so we know they are "real" and a forum to out fakers and I just started to wonder how important it is to the general bdsm'er hanging out at CM to be considered "real" or "true" by an online community of people they don't know, who are nameless and often faceless. Is it a matter of keeping up with the Jones? Does it make one feel a sense of importance or acceptance to be considered real on this site?

This is one of those things that make me go hmmmm. I could care less who here considers me real or who thinks I'm some balding, toothless hag who has no life and wouldn't know that canes aren't just for walking. Do I care if you care? Nope...but I'm curious....so do you care and if so, why?


best regards,
fate



Atavist -> RE: Do you really care? (4/13/2005 8:04:30 PM)

If by real you mean a "real" Dom/Master/sub/slave, I generally don't give it much weight. In fact when I see "I'm a REAL slave", or "I'm looking for a REAL man/Master/Dom" in a profile, I almost I cringe. It strikes me as narrow minded and defensive, if not slightly sophomoric. By narrow minded I interpret "I'm a real blah blah blah" to mean people unlike them aren't real. Its exclusive and I generally avoid people with that kind of mindset.

The only real that has any meaning for me is about people being who they say they are whatever their kink, life situation or level of experience is. When I bump into geniune people its really refreshing and makes all the other sillyness I see worthwhile.



nella -> RE: Do you really care? (4/13/2005 8:33:11 PM)

i think this is a problem in many subulctures, pepole like a make themself feel more submissive, Dominant, witchy, punky, gothic, caring, animal loving or whatever your sosiety is but climing others are just fakes. More easy to be a poor real one if everyone else if fakes, so it makes them feel better. One teory at least, dont know if it is the right one.



Youtalkingtome -> RE: Do you really care? (4/13/2005 9:30:24 PM)

Do I really care??mmm, Yes and no.
Do I care if someone has in their profile real or true? No.
Do I care if they are real or just an online game player? Yes.
When I send mail to a sub/slave I never say I am real or true.
But I tell them I want a real relationship not online games.
I have never roll played online and very seldom chat.
I only seek a real life relationship. Not online roll play.



merrymasochist -> RE: Do you really care? (4/13/2005 9:32:31 PM)

People who over-emphasize being "real" or "true" always seem fit the "doth protesting too much" mold to me. If someone is real and true it will shine in their actions, manner and attitude. Conversely, if someone isn't real and true, the lack in those same attributes will glare just as brightly no matter how "real" and "true" they tell you they are.

Sincerely,
merry



RiotGirl -> RE: Do you really care? (4/13/2005 10:23:50 PM)

Personally i think it is senseless to say they are real... i mean really.

i think its also senseless to say you are looking for some one real

As in are there people who are looking for some one not real? i see alot of "fakes, liars, ect ect ect" need not apply or not looking for fakes.. Well who in their right mind is? Is it really needed to say it?



junecleaver -> RE: Do you really care? (4/13/2005 10:33:35 PM)

I couldn't care less. Some sub guy mailed me the other day specifically to tell me I was not submissive, but insane. My reply? Silence.

I don't understand how you can question how someone defines BDSM for themselves. Might not be your kind of BDSM but it means something to them, etc etc. And even if you could, why would you waste your time doing something so fruitless?

I will never understand how calling someone fake makes you more 'real'



GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Do you really care? (4/13/2005 10:41:26 PM)

As far as anyone saying I'm real or I'm not real, I really don't care. I know who I am. And I have been told I am not real because of this, that or the other, many times. *Shrugs*
I also think I can tell pretty much, from these message boards who is participating in the lifestyle r/t, and who is just playing cyber games. There are also wonderful people on here who are not too shy to admit they need help or they are new. And that is ok! I love that!
I get alot of email, and I can usually tell who is worth My time there too. But sometimes I can't, and it is amazing how many fall off the site as soon as I offer to arrange a F2F. *S*
Oh well, sometimes ya know, and sometimes ya just think ya know. That is the online world. Gives Me access to so many great people, even if W/we never meet. Yes, I get cranky at times, but that's just the way it is!
I used to use the word real, but it can be taken so many ways, I have quit. Everyone defines it differently. I say please and thank you, and I have been told that makes Me "not real". I'm don't yell and scream and demand "kneel, you worthless piece of shit" and I've been told that makes Me "not real". (Doesn't mean you don't have to kneel, boys...just means I don't think you're a worthless piece of shit, until you prove to Me you are. And then I won't want you!)
So to some I'm not real. But I know I am. That's really all that counts in the end.



Tangwystal -> RE: Do you really care? (4/14/2005 1:26:30 AM)

I laugh and shake my head when I see those words used in profiles. So silly. So to answer your question, I don't care. I disregard any profile I see that uses those words.



MsMacComb -> RE: Do you really care? (4/14/2005 1:46:16 AM)

My interest is mainly in spanking, caning, femdom, cuckolding, I am bi, enjoy domming other women and domming with them.
For about 20 years I have been accused by many people of being "DomLight". My version of "domination", to some, is a youthful not yet grown up into a REALDOMME style. They question your motives, ideals, level of interest, some seem genuinly confused by why I dont really like whips, chains, dungeons, LARGE/small caps to signify stature, rank or preferance. I like slapping, kicking, kneeing a guys balls, but have been told I am a "lightweight" since I dont like weights, clamps, 2x4s or any of the millions of little metal objects. I have no tattoes, nothing is pierced, and neither will ever happen. Dont really own much leather, dont use the terms Mistress, Sir, or Grand Master/Mistress. And on and on and on. Add to it if you have a couple of websites and then your sincerity REALLY gets questioned, lol.
Do I care? Hell No. Perhaps I did many years ago from the standpoint of trying to defend my sincerity and hopefully to use logic and point out variations dont equate being a "fake, half ass, gold digger, wanna be, player, weekend warrior domme" etc.
I still once in awhile may try to point out that whats right for one may not be right for another, usually to no avail. :)



nella -> RE: Do you really care? (4/14/2005 3:38:53 AM)

i say let pepole think what they want and continue whit what you want. Offcourse this is hard and i have not always been ael to live by my own advice.



Bigtattoo -> RE: Do you really care? (4/14/2005 3:54:03 AM)

It's easy to "out" someone online or if you prefer try to fortify their own BDSMness online. About the worst that can happen is a flame war. I always wonder if these same people would try this in a public forum, say a munch or "meetup". I personally would welcome it as it would provide me an opportunity to show them what a "sadist" really is. I can assure you it would not be safe or sane of someone to try it and what I would do to them would not be consensual.

Ooooh I referred to SSC I must not be real Dom, and this is only like my second post to CM which means I still have "Vanilla" status so that too proves I'm not a real Dom. I guess I just outed myself.






ProtagonistLily -> RE: Do you really care? (4/14/2005 3:56:59 AM)

Good topic Fate!

You know, this reminds me of a paper I had to write for one of my philosophy classes in undergrad about "Quality". No one can really define it, but we know it when we see it. It's akin to how the Supreme Court defines pornography in that one of the Justices said "I know it when I see it."

It's not about "real" or "true". It's about compatible.

Lily



painworthy -> RE: Do you really care? (4/14/2005 4:02:51 AM)

My theory is that every one here but me is hiding or misrepresenting something. Maybe it's a small thing that is glossed over or exaggerated, or maybe the persona they've created here is complete imagination, but all misleading nonetheless.

I am always wary of those who emphasize using words like" true" or "real". Truth usually turns out to be quite different from those descriptions. The posters who repetitively tell us how rich, educated, smart, kinky, sexy, etc. etc. they are are anything but as a rule.

Having said that, ironically, exaggerators often turn out to be extremely interesting individuals to interact with both on line and in person.



stormsfate -> RE: Do you really care? (4/14/2005 5:28:55 AM)

Do the people who are fond of using words like "real" or "true" realize how many people who might otherwise find them intelligent and interesting are suddenly so turned off they tune out? Or am I the only one who tunes out? I'll be going on my merry way, enjoying getting to know someone and when those words come out of their mouth...that's pretty much it. If I had a penis I would say "shrinkage".

Like Atavist...I literally want to cringe, then again, I have this huge thing about "one true wayisms", so anything that even comes close to smacking of that or elitism makes me run away fast...lol.

At any rate...thanks for playing along.


best regards,
fate



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Do you really care? (4/14/2005 5:37:06 AM)

Oh it just goes with all the other cliches-

"We will get to know eachother over time..."
"I am always SSC"
"I want you to always feel safe and secure"
"You may be a sub but I will respect you as a person"

All sounds great on paper, but seriously, what else are they going to say? "I really don't care, as long as you give good head"?



domtimothy46176 -> RE: Do you really care? (4/14/2005 2:41:10 PM)

I ~am~ an elitist and I don't make any apology for it. My girl and I ~do~ look at folks and make a determination about whether or not they're real according to ~our~ standards. The way some folks do things is not compatable with our standards. I expect that a lot of folks feel that way about how ~we~ do things, too.
As a general rule, I don't pay too much attention to the profiles that talk about wanting a "real, true" whatever. The word simply has no meaning outside of personal or, at least, shared context. I figure some use it out of ignorance. Others may well feel theirs to be the only valid way of doing things. More power to them, if that's what works for them.
Is it silly? It is, especially in a profile. In a conversation with someone who knows, understands and agrees with your standards, not nearly so much. My real is my girl's real and it's also real as defined by a few others I know. In our conversations we may use the world freely without disagreement but I would not attempt to use it when conversing with others without knowing we shared definitions. IMO, that's simply pointless.
Timothy



Sinergy -> RE: Do you really care? (4/14/2005 2:59:48 PM)



Hello,

Do I care? Rather vague question to try to answer with a yes or no.

Do I invest any emotional or intellectual energy into this person's opinion of
me? No.

Do I give this person the power to alter my emotional state? No.

The psychological concepts of transference and projection come to mind.

Dictionary.com

Transference: # In psychoanalysis, the process by which emotions and desires originally associated with one person, such as a parent or sibling, are unconsciously shifted to another person, especially to the analyst.

Projection: # Psychology.

1. The attribution of one's own attitudes, feelings, or suppositions to others: “Even trained anthropologists have been guilty of unconscious projectionof clothing the subjects of their research in theories brought with them into the field” (Alex Shoumatoff).
2. The attribution of one's own attitudes, feelings, or desires to someone or something as a naive or unconscious defense against anxiety or guilt.

Perhaps they are driving and worried about meeting themself coming the other way.

Just me, could be wrong, but there ya go.

Sinergy



perverseangelic -> RE: Do you really care? (4/14/2005 8:58:21 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: painworthy

My theory is that every one here but me is hiding or misrepresenting something.



My theory is exactly the opposite :)

I assume everyone is exactly who they say they are. It's their buisness if they want to lie and not really my problem. If my partner and I are interested in someone, then all will be revealed when we meet face to face. If we aren't interested in realtime, than I could care less who they "really" are and am fine simply interacting with their online persona.



MzBerlin -> RE: Do you really care? (4/15/2005 1:52:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: domtimothy46176

I ~am~ an elitist and I don't make any apology for it. My girl and I ~do~ look at folks and make a determination about whether or not they're real according to ~our~ standards. The way some folks do things is not compatable with our standards. I expect that a lot of folks feel that way about how ~we~ do things, too.
As a general rule, I don't pay too much attention to the profiles that talk about wanting a "real, true" whatever. The word simply has no meaning outside of personal or, at least, shared context. I figure some use it out of ignorance. Others may well feel theirs to be the only valid way of doing things. More power to them, if that's what works for them.
Is it silly? It is, especially in a profile. In a conversation with someone who knows, understands and agrees with your standards, not nearly so much. My real is my girl's real and it's also real as defined by a few others I know. In our conversations we may use the world freely without disagreement but I would not attempt to use it when conversing with others without knowing we shared definitions. IMO, that's simply pointless.
Timothy



Timothy-
I'm really confused by the first part of your post. You state that you're an "elitist" and that you don't make apologies for it. I'm not sure if I grasp that. Is your brand of BDSM somehow "realer" than someone else who doesn't live up to your "standard'? I don't really get that. It's like challenging someones' BDSM-ness (which was a wonderful thread a while back.) I'm just curious what your standards for "realness" is. Please elaborate.

Also, you state in your first paragraph that you DO make a judgement call about someones "realness" based on YOUR standards, then go on to say that it's "silly" for people to feel that there's one true way, THEN go on to state that real is defined by YOUR (and your friends who "knows, understand and agree with " your standards.) By that logic, if I do not understand, agree with or know your standard of BDSM, then I am not REAL.

I think THAT is silly.

As Always
B



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