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abandoment of a sub - 2/1/2004 4:16:49 AM

seaerotica

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Joined: 1/30/2004
From: at the ocean in N.C.
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I appreciate all the feedback on the subject of abandonment. thanks you all for your words and time. I wish you well in your journeys sea~~~~

< Message edited by seaerotica -- 2/7/2004 9:10:24 PM >

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RE: abandoment of a sub - 2/1/2004 2:09:52 PM

MichaelJ

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There's "abandonment" and "Abandonment" and "ABANDONMENT", and it seems pretty clear which one you're referring to.

In my never very humble opinion, if you're in a situation in which you're not certain whether you still have a Master or not, where you're wondering if you should be looking for a new one, then I think it's a safe bet that you've been abandoned. I wouldn't, however, let that get you down or think of it as somehow reflecting on you. Anyone purporting to be a Master who leaves a submissive or slave in that state of ambivalence, who simply doesn't communicate or come around for an extended period of time without providing rhyme or reason or any sense of closure or a hint of expectations is not behaving much like a Master and, as the Pennsylvania Dutch would say, you're better off shut of him. What you seem to be describing is what I would very definitely call ABANDONMENT, and it's something for which there is no real justification. Even if he didn't find you pleasing and didn't want to continue, he could at least have gonads to do a Donald Trump and say, "You're fired." My guess, without knowing any details, of course, is that you can probably do better, and should.

As for Abandonment, I don't have much time for that, either. What I call Abandonment occurs within a real-time relationship and is characterized by a Master withdrawing, particularly emotionally, from his submissive or slave, sometimes just for a period of time. There are some who employ it as a form of punishment. Balderdash! Even if I send a slave to a corner for quiet time as punishment, that's no more abandoning her than is sending a kid to the time-out chair abandoning the child. Punishment, from my perspective, is, and needs to be, engagement rather than abandonment. No matter how severe the punishment, the slave needs to understand that I'm punishing her because of the value I place on her. Withdrawing from her (Abandonment) seems to me to communicate just the opposite.

As for abandonment, that's a whole 'nother thing and I'll give some thought to taking it up in a separate thread.

Michael

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RE: abandoment of a sub - 2/1/2004 7:13:38 PM

seaerotica

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To Michael~ 'very soft smile' thankyou, interesting feedback
well taken sea~

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RE: abandonment of a sub - 2/1/2004 8:22:01 PM

hisbijou

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i am currently going through this. it sucks....but i will get through it and be stronger in love fr myself when i come through on the other side. all the contracts, all the words in the world mean nothing if they are not adhered to in the time of trouble. it's all well and good to have the flowery words up front, but they mean nothing at the end when the Dominant simply withdraws. i am finding part of me agreeing with Michael J, and the other part of me trying to hold onto tattered pieces of what was to me , a great party of a relationship. hard to give up on what was so damn much fun......
be well
bijou

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RE: abandonment of a sub - 2/1/2004 9:21:16 PM

LrdSatyr8

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From: Oxford, NC
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I've had many submissives ask me this very question many times and I will tell you what I have told them...

It truly depends on your time with the Dom... what I would suggest is take the number of months you have been together and wait that many days for them to respond to you. Do not bombbard their email box or their instant message offlines with hundreds of messages like "Where are you?" or "Why have you left me?"... The moment you feel as if you've been abandoned, leave one message in their email with a clear and concise message of your feelings. Let them know how you feel without making any assumptions of their actions. Many times a Dom may use this as a test of your commitment to them. Especially if they gave you a command or order to fulfill during your last conversation. After leaving that message wait the number of days you've been together per month (If you've been with him for 3 months wait 3 days)... if still no connection was made, send a final message letting them know that you are moving on.

Being abandoned is always a hard issue to deal with. Many submissives I've met tend to be very clingy or dependant upon the emotional release that a Dom brings them. Some Doms can be intimited by that. Other subs I've known try to top from the bottom without realizing it... pouting when they don't get their way... or getting in trouble just to get punished... many Doms that are new to the lifestyle will feel as if they have lost control. In those cases there's not much a sub can do but move on.

I hope this helps...

-=> Master Satyr! <=-

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RE: abandonment of a sub - 2/1/2004 9:32:14 PM

hisbijou

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i very much appreciate the advice., and the kind notes sent me by the forum. i was with my Master for 11 months, during which we saw each other a minimum of three days a week, for several hours a day, as well as a five day trip away together. i had said at the onset that daily contact is important to me....i ask for little else. after speaking two or three times a day, daily for all this time, is it still reasonable that i should have waited 11 days before trying to contact him? i was so afraid to lose contact with him, and now it has all gone sour anyway.
bijou

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RE: abandonment of a sub - 2/2/2004 8:39:15 AM

Voltare

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Michael hit the nail square on the head.

bijou, I can only suggest that if he's ceased contact with you, I would try to rule out that he wasn't called away on business, in the hospital, etc (if your relationship is this close.) If he's well, and simply has withdrawn from you, I would email, call, or write him asking him to let you know what the score is.

If you don't know where you stand with a man (or woman) odds are it's because he doesn't care if you're there anymore. Just my opinion

Stephan

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"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

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RE: abandonment of a sub - 2/4/2004 8:57:41 PM

hisbijou

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most have had beautiful insight into the problem of sub abandonment...however i think the submissive view is going to be quite different. in my case....now, after much reflection, tears, and ...(i shudder to admit this one...) impatience on my part...it occured to me how childish MY love is. i say that i am in love, but look for the constant reassurance...i make excuses for my behavior, when what it really boils down to is this:
I COULDN'T MAKE HIM DO WHAT I WANTED HIM TO DO! spoiled.
enough about me...i want to thank all who have written me. everyone here has been most kind, and supported me during a very difficult time. i was surprised by the support here! and i am very grateful for it. i have decided not to pursue a relationship right now, but rather to reflect on the ones i have had and learn from them before going forward. there is much work to be done here.
be well
bijou

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RE: abandonment of a sub - 2/5/2004 11:49:00 AM

MistressDREAD

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I have found that if a posession is left in a secure enviroment they will thrive happily when I am away. I am away from sum of My posessions for longated times and because of this and My life there are times that I am not able to speak to them sumtimes a month at a time but even if I cannot speak to them for three months they would know why ahead of time and will understand and appreciate the reasons why I am away both physically or by what ever way We would communicate, and that is the key word here communication...... Hugs My written contracts knowing that all My issues like this were discussed fully in them and both Me and Mine posess a copy We both can go back and refer to in order to remind Our selfs of what could happen within a arranged Lifestyle and its Living real life so that when I am not near Mine will not feel issues of abandonment and have sumthing they can look at that will give them sum feel of security. I hope you and yours will work out bijou, 8 months of life is a lot to simply walk away from over 11 days of absence and you do need to understand that not many Domiants will accept Topping from the bottom and that could of very well been what pushed Him away if this is whats happened. None but Our selfs can free Our minds.....redemptions come in self knowing and learning.
sea the best way to know if you have been abandoned is to ask the one whom you feel has abandoned you. If you get no return or responce with in a month after writing once a week, I would say that unless they had been in a accident or inprisioned or out of the country, they would respond if online or came over if real life. At this point I would say if you do not have the information needed to investigate further such as calling hospitals and such then I would say continue on with your life and if that includes seeking another befor starting that relationship make it clear the circumstances of what you just left out of with out showing bias and at that point if you feel a strong connection with the pryor Master let the present one know that if this one returns with a viable reason for absence you would prefer to return to Him. Being honest and straightforward with your life and choosen lifestyle is always the best way to go and if that first one never shows up again well You have done what is honorable with in a normal time frame and Your not missing out on living your life now are you? ~smiles~

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RE: abandonment of a sub - 2/5/2004 1:06:30 PM

seaerotica

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MistressDREAD exactly~ smiles deep and thoughtful yess exactly thankyou sea you round *S*

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RE: abandonment of a sub - 2/6/2004 8:54:36 PM

hisbijou

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Dear Mistress Dread: Yours is the wisest answer of all i have received , and the one that has spoken to my heart the most. it means so much to me to have my thoughts understood, and also to have my Dominant's thought processes understood, and i feel that is what has occurred here. I have spoken to Him, andHis actions are deliberate, and mindful of me. i have to learn to trust Him or there is no hope here, and it will be just another mediocre relationship without destination. i am finally IN TRAINING.....no One has been successful at it, or had the patience for it before, and i am satisfied that i am in the right place. i have assignments which i am having a fair amount of difficulty with, most of which have to do with restraint, and patience. He has not a tremendous amount of experience in the lifestyle, yet at the same time He is giving me exactly what is needed for us to be successful at this different kind of loving. i am learning....i am indebted to You, Mistress, for taking the time to write what i feel is the truth.
blessings on You
bijou

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RE: abandonment of a sub - 2/7/2004 7:27:43 AM

MistressDREAD

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~smiles~