quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

hi everyone,

i am posting this for a friend, i dont have first hand experience with this topic, so any feed back would be appreciated

she is an older woman but very new to bdsm and she has got herself a "protector" that does not want her to talk to any other doms, he tells her she is too new, and that because she has a protector, doms should not approach her, or else they are not good doms in his estimation.

also he does not seem to want her for himself

she is not looking right now, but she does want to post the question to the fora with out ruffling his peacock (my word not hers) feathers.

It normal to be so discouraged from talking seriously to a potential dom by a protector?

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

hi everyone,

i am posting this for a friend, i dont have first hand experience with this topic, so any feed back would be appreciated

she is an older woman but very new to bdsm and she has got herself a "protector" that does not want her to talk to any other doms, he tells her she is too new, and that because she has a protector, doms should not approach her, or else they are not good doms in his estimation.

also he does not seem to want her for himself

she is not looking right now, but she does want to post the question to the fora with out ruffling his peacock (my word not hers) feathers.

It normal to be so discouraged from talking seriously to a potential dom by a protector?

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

hi everyone,

i am posting this for a friend, i dont have first hand experience with this topic, so any feed back would be appreciated

she is an older woman but very new to bdsm and she has got herself a "protector" that does not want her to talk to any other doms, he tells her she is too new, and that because she has a protector, doms should not approach her, or else they are not good doms in his estimation.

also he does not seem to want her for himself

she is not looking right now, but she does want to post the question to the fora with out ruffling his peacock (my word not hers) feathers.

It normal to be so discouraged from talking seriously to a potential dom by a protector?

quote:

ORIGINAL: hawkwolf7

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

hi everyone,

i am posting this for a friend, i dont have first hand experience with this topic, so any feed back would be appreciated

she is an older woman but very new to bdsm and she has got herself a "protector" that does not want her to talk to any other doms, he tells her she is too new, and that because she has a protector, doms should not approach her, or else they are not good doms in his estimation.

also he does not seem to want her for himself

she is not looking right now, but she does want to post the question to the fora with out ruffling his peacock (my word not hers) feathers.

It normal to be so discouraged from talking seriously to a potential dom by a protector?

I'm not a big fan of the protector thing, but for reasons that many of the respondents seem to have missed, (or they simply misread).

1) CT says 'she has got herself a "protector"'

The typical method of getting a protection relationship with a Dominant is that the submissive requests the relationship. Or, the Dom offers, and the sub accepts. In the peculiar circumstance where a Dom would appoint himself/herself as a protector, I cannot imagine the submissive accepting the relationship without thought or agreement. (This would be an example of someone simply incapable of being able to take care of themselves... same rationale as committing someone to a mental institution.) So, CT's friend either asked or was offered the relationship, and since the friend and the Dom didn't have a negotiated relationship at the time, she had the option to refuse. Which she apparently did not.

2) CT writes '"protector" that does not want her to talk to any other doms.'

The Dom isn't forbidding her to talk to other Doms. It is what he wants... because she is new. Whether or not I agree with this approach, it is important to recognize that it isn't a command. (And, by the way, if it were a command, and she refused to obey, the consequence would be the removal of the protection relationship. Is that any loss if she feels that the protection isn't working?)

3) CT writes 'because she has a protector, doms should not approach her, or else they are not good doms in his estimation.'

Once again, the Dom did not constrain her behavior. This is merely an observation... albeit from a traditional Leather point of view.

Ignoring those who mis-read or mis-interpreted what CT wrote, there are quite a few who "don't get the protection thing". While I cannot address every situation where this could occur, I can share my experience.

I only offer my protection to someone who practically begs it of me. They would have to be in a pretty desparate situation, and I would have to like them alot! And this is because I get nothing positive out of the relationship other than the satisfaction of doing a friend a favor. This person is not my submissive. I don't have a negotiated relationship where she commits to submit to me or obey me. Rather, I get lots of negatives out of the relationship, including her resentment when I reccommend she "go slow" and "think things through." And, I get a lot of crap from those who don't understand leather protocols.

Bottom line, if someone decides they don't want my protection, then I am more than happy to release them to their own devices. It really is a major pain in the ass.

So, CT, based on what you wrote, I don't see any evidence of anything questionable here. (Which doesn't mean there isn't, just that the evidence isn't here.) The fact that he doesn't want her as his submissive leans toward the idea that he's doing her a favor. Also, I can see some justification behind the idea of getting her some exposure to the lifestyle in general; the vocabulary, the protocols and such before she gets conned by some predator Dom. I can also see some advantages to introducing her to quality lifestylers first, just so she can learn what to look for in a potential Dom. I'm not sure I would make those same choices, but I can see a reasonable rationale.

End of Rant,
HawkWolf

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant


Whoaaaaaaaaaa...easy hawk....easy. I promise I'll buy you a drink next time I get up that way.

I can't speak for anyone else, only myself and I put my answer out there at the start and why I would question it. As I said, I have dealt with a couple of submissives who had protectors wherein dealing with the submissive went fine until we (yes, we...I don't believe anyone is 100% wrong, nor 100% right in most 2-person dynamic situations) screwed things up. I have also dealt with a submissive who had a protection collar who could quote me chapter and verse of how things within a D/s relationship "should be done", according to her "protector/mentor"...not her thoughts arrived at from interaction with him and other dominants and other submissives like herself...but him alone. I've also done the reverse of that situation.

A protector such as you describe yourself to be seems to be of the honorable and deliberately neutral (except to guide and advise) type that they all should be.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I'll take the hardball line here-

If she's a stable mature adult, then she shouldn't need a protector.

If she's NOT a stable mature adult, then she shouldn't be trying to get into ANY relationships until she becomes so.

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

hi everyone,

i am posting this for a friend, i dont have first hand experience with this topic, so any feed back would be appreciated

she is an older woman but very new to bdsm and she has got herself a "protector" that does not want her to talk to any other doms, he tells her she is too new, and that because she has a protector, doms should not approach her, or else they are not good doms in his estimation.

also he does not seem to want her for himself

she is not looking right now, but she does want to post the question to the fora with out ruffling his peacock (my word not hers) feathers.

It normal to be so discouraged from talking seriously to a potential dom by a protector?

quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

OK, I am going to say this one more time.  This is the Internet...the INTERNET.  If you encounter an "online predator", whatever the hell that is, TURN OFF YOUR PC!  It's that fucking simple.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

Stand by observe the person's interactions and protect them from their own mistakes until they get enough information about BDSM D/s to make an informed decission. Teach them how to negotiate enough to protect themselves, teaach them the basics of how to evaluate risk and make sure they have examined the risks they are willing to take.

In practice it's a matter of being in the room while they negotiate and reminding them of all the things they already know they need to address but might forget due to newness of the situation.

You don't serve their interests very well if they never get to make mistakes and learn how to do it for themselves.

Basicly you be their logical thought proceess until the newnes wears off and they are not as prone to dumb mistakes.