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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/19/2007 11:08:52 AM

sunfleur

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i've only heard of "protectors" online. collars of protection and such. in reality, i've heard of and have Mentors. perhaps that line between protector and mentor is fuzzy for some. either way.. if you forget for a moment that this is BDSM related, and just read the part about keeping her away from others.. that's abuse. before i found my subside, i dated a guy ( i wont say 'man' because in my mind he doesnt measure up to being a man) who tried desperately to keep me away from friends and family. it was exhausting and looking back now, abusive all on it's own.

i'd be quite wary for your friend and advise her to look elsewhere to find a good Mentor.

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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/19/2007 11:12:19 AM

MistressRouge

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Oh yay, yet another label "protector" *giggles*

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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/19/2007 11:36:06 AM

SimplyMichael

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This crap happens in real life too. I was out with a woman the other night who I was interested in. Being the pushy forward person I am I made a rather aggressive move and was rebuffed, which is her right and I respect that. However, she blurted out she could let me do that because she had a "trainer" who wouldn't let her get into a relationship. I almost leaped off the couch. First off, I PUSH people to become informed and educated before they become involved with me. However, nobody looks over my shoulder and second guesses me. SHE can do that but THAT is the person I am interested in having a relationship with.

It MAY turn out this guy is someone decent and respected in the scene but if so, one she should mention it, and secondly if HE had approached me and said that he thought we might be a good match, and that her and I were meeting to see if there was chemistry, that would have been different and honest.

Despite my otherwise interest in the woman, I told her thanks and to enjoy herself but that I was no longer interested. Too many cooks spoil the soup.

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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/19/2007 2:54:44 PM

Archer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile

Would it not be wiser if she sought out Friends to Learn about BDSM dynamics first?? To not have "one protector" but to interact and talk with as many people about BDSM, learn all the in's and out's. The "protector" will or may only have one biased view upon the lifestyle itself..

The problem is in RT the meantime niether her in most cases nor the frenzy of competition for her attetions will wait for her unless she is strong in her decission to wait and learn.

Can a "Protector" role be misused or used poorly sure as can any role.

I'm mearly discussing what the few really good protector types I've met RT did that made them good at it.

In reply to Beach Mistress:

The roles of mentor and protector are similar but a protector lacks some of the mandate to teach that a mentor would have.
Mentor might set up educational opportunities for them while a protector would not nessisarily have that job included.

(Just my view on the definitions I have used and been around)

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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/19/2007 4:44:40 PM

BeachMystress

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer
The roles of mentor and protector are similar but a protector lacks some of the mandate to teach that a mentor would have.
Mentor might set up educational opportunities for them while a protector would not nessisarily have that job included.

That pretty much matches with my views and understandings also. Not that a mentor is a "teacher" per say, but they do have a guidance role where as a protector is there more to help a newer sub make smarter decisions.

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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/19/2007 4:52:56 PM

slavejali

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I think "protectors" sound "hot" for many reasons Im not gonna get into.....just amounts to "kink" really to me.... if its anything other than a kink..I think unecessary hey. ..we are adults after all.

< Message edited by slavejali -- 4/19/2007 4:53:34 PM >

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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/19/2007 6:10:02 PM

simplyangelic1

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I've been told the same thing by those that wanted to protect me. To me the only way to look for a "diamond" is to get in the dirt and dig. A protector should give advice, talk to her about who she's talking to, point out things in the conversation that she should be looking for but might not see. They shouldn't run interference unless a problem has come up that she can't handle herself. But to say that oops you are too new, so don't talk to anyone but me will only serve to keep her tied to this "protector" and not allow her to explore this side of herself to it's fullest.

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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/19/2007 6:15:54 PM

SilkLaceNPearls

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quote:

Now if this protector isn't having sex/play with her and is just answering questions and assigning her readings, and allowing her to accompany him and his sub to munches and clubs so she can see what appeals without being pressured for a few months, that has some reason. She would, in that way, be forced to think about stuff and set healthy boundaries beforehand and not afterwards.

That is very much how my relationship with my Mentor/Protector works. He is helping learn all about this lifestyle, answering questions for me, having me do research and assignments. And if there comes a time where we attend BDSM related events he is there as my Protector. But he has not cut me off from contact with others although I have agreed to not meet anyone with telling him about it first. I like this arrangement. It works for me.

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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/19/2007 6:31:58 PM

BOUNTYHUNTER

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Many use the word protector to keep a girl stringing along,I take many under my wing for guidance and to look out for them without the evil collar of protection,,As a mentor we are there to give advice and much of their concerns are about the men contacting them,what should they do to be sure his attention is in their best interests. etc.Hell its hard to protect our selfs in this day and time less lone a girl hundreds miles away ... All we can do is give the best advice we think is appropriate and be honest in our evaluation of their concerns...I believe a few so called protectors are just out for a quickie at the girl expense,here today gone tommorrow but of course as always just the views of this ol"master

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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/19/2007 8:49:30 PM

Aswad

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quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

she is an older woman but very new to bdsm and she has got herself a "protector" that does not want her to talk to any other doms, he tells her she is too new, and that because she has a protector, doms should not approach her, or else they are not good doms in his estimation.

Define "protector", please? A kink aware legal guardian? A temporary dom? A concerned family member?

quote:

It normal to be so discouraged from talking seriously to a potential dom by a protector?

Depends on the sense of the word. Legal guardian? Yes. Temp dom? Dunno. Family? Sometimes.

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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/19/2007 9:55:10 PM

minnetar

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quote:

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

This crap happens in real life too. I was out with a woman the other night who I was interested in. Being the pushy forward person I am I made a rather aggressive move and was rebuffed, which is her right and I respect that. However, she blurted out she could let me do that because she had a "trainer" who wouldn't let her get into a relationship. I almost leaped off the couch. First off, I PUSH people to become informed and educated before they become involved with me. However, nobody looks over my shoulder and second guesses me. SHE can do that but THAT is the person I am interested in having a relationship with.

It MAY turn out this guy is someone decent and respected in the scene but if so, one she should mention it, and secondly if HE had approached me and said that he thought we might be a good match, and that her and I were meeting to see if there was chemistry, that would have been different and honest.

Despite my otherwise interest in the woman, I told her thanks and to enjoy herself but that I was no longer interested. Too many cooks spoil the soup.

Sir so Your basic problem was her not mentioning it beforehand or the basic concept?

minnetar

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RE: what are they protecting exactly? - 4/19/2007 10:33:21 PM

velvetears

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Who protects you from the protector when you need protecting?

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Post #: 52