RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

OhBeMyMind -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 6:01:11 AM)

I have tried, a couple of times actually.....and yes I failed.....maybe I really do not look at it so much as "failing", nonetheless I was drawn back....a very close friend said to me "You can take the girl out of the lifestyle, but you can't take the lifestyle out of the girl"....and she was right.  
There are several things that brought me back.....the physical and mental nature of (at the time) bottoming; mentally just feeling off kilter, scatter-brained, somehow kind of lost I suppose, and physically I would feel totally restless and feel my flesh aching, like an uncontrollable itch to the point that cutting became an option just to be able to function.  Some may view it as a mental dysfunction and nothing to do with the 'lifestyle" and that is fine, IDC, but blah blah blah a mile in my shoes.


quote:

ORIGINAL: addicted2it


Within the BDSM community, it is often extremely difficult to find a person who you can connect with, and who has most or all of the qualities that you have been looking for.  (Said  with all due respect to those of you who have accepted who you are and have made a serious choice about being in this lifestyle.).

I am wondering if anyone here has ever decided, for whatever rhyme or reason, to try to go back to being vanilla -- simply because there are more choices and opportunities to meet others there.  And if you have tried, but were unsuccessful, what brought you back to BDSM?

-addicted2it






ownedkitten -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 6:35:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouslyseeking
 
I truly don't understand how some can keep one foot in and one foot out..the life has enveloped my being.



Greetings addicted2it,
Greetings all,

curiouslyseeking summed it up well for me - this aspect of who I am has been embraced on a much deeper level than it was when I was "vanilla" and I've become comfortable with it.  It's not a once in awhile thing for me, and I do not think that I could go back to "vanilla" and be truly happy.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 7:19:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: addicted2it
Yes, the roles within BDSM are more clearly-defined. 

Ha I LOVE when people bring up that lie.

You read any of the definitions threads we have?  Talk about lack of clear definition.  Have you read any of the hundreds of threads about "He said this, but I'm confused" or "She's supposed to be this but I don't like it" and on and on and on.

I'd place "More clearly defined relationship structure in bdsm" even above "can't punish a masochist with pain" in the list of Top Five Myths of BDSM



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 7:22:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterGremlin
I could never let the true me out and I was extremely unhappy. 

Yes it's tough sometimes since I can't be "truly me" in most kink or non-vanilla situations either.

I often feel more at home at my Firefly meetups than I do at many munches.



complaisant1 -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 7:50:36 AM)

I went back to nilla, I met a girl who turned out to be kinky as hell and completely uncontrolable.  It took months to get her over her kid in a candy store syndrome and then we were able to start training.  It sucked, it was long drawn out and painful !  In my year of vanilla dating I discovered that no one is with out their kinks and those who disagree please read " My Secret Garden" Nancy Friday.

These questions... am I a Dom, am I a bottom, could I be submissive to the right one, why do I like to  bottom so much, why do I like to Top so much, WHY am I so different  to everyone else. Why am I so Dominant till I see a pair of long legs peeking out under a leather mini ?????

I reached a conclusion. .I am NOT in the BDSM lifestyle, I don't even know what the BDSM lifestyle is and I challenge anyone to define it as anything other than a body under which any and all kinks and fetishes  gather.

What matters is knowing what you want and being able to communicate that to a possible partner.

If what you want is missionary night after night and " yes honey I put the cat out", then I guess your lifestyle might be best described as vanilla. . If you want leather whips and chains and who knows what else  then you might be best described as an alternative lifestyler, which doesn't mean you have to follow the doctrines of other BDSM'ers.

It occured to me that if  BDSM was in fact a structured lifestyle with a bible. which Gor is close to being. then with as many people taking up BDSM as there are, it could be that one day BDSM is the norm and vanilla is in fact the alternative lifestyle.

Just be yourself and let no one put you down for who you know you are. Concentrate on finding a partner right for you. Look where ever you have to for that partner in or out of BDSM and when you find her, I hope you find lasting happiness.  Then you will realise it doesn't matter a flying  f**ck  if you're Dom  or  sub  or what your lifestyle is called.



addicted2it -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 8:04:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: addicted2it
Yes, the roles within BDSM are more clearly-defined. 

Ha I LOVE when people bring up that lie.

I respect your opinion, though I believe it is flawed.
quote:


You read any of the definitions threads we have?  Talk about lack of clear definition.  Have you read any of the hundreds of threads about "He said this, but I'm confused" or "She's supposed to be this but I don't like it" and on and on and on.

I think that, in general, people who negotiate for scenes or relationships here tend to be more specific about their needs and expectations.  And the reference to the "he said, she said" will always be a problem, no matter what venue we are talking about.




selfbnd411 -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 8:58:24 AM)

Have you ever had the experence of going to the library and finding that the book you wanted wasn't on the shelf where it was supposed to be?  Do you just walk away, disappointed?  Or do you look to the left and the right, above and below?  Maybe it's just been misplaced.  That's how I see things--just because someone isn't on CM and doesn't indentify as Dominant/submissive, or hasn't ever acted on their kinky urges doesn't mean they don't exist.  I figure if there really is only one woman for me out there, I better be casting as wide a net as possible!



complaisant1 -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 9:03:43 AM)

selfbnd411 .. EXACTLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



CinatasForums -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 11:54:27 AM)

Go back to?  That implies a starting point.  When I was in my teens and dating I actually tried the "vanilla" relationship as if I was somewhat confused in what I wanted and it was somewhat wrong.  I was with a girl and I suggested to her that she lead because even though I was trying to be as vanilla as possible some things you just can't shake.  She said no, you lead as most vanilla males would.  I went catatonic.  So as I believe it was Miss Latasha(please dont kill me if I mispelled your name)  I would rather be single than try to change who I am or someone else, and so far thats what I have done its lonely at times granted but it also means at some point in my life I will find someone for me.



zindyslave -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 12:27:58 PM)

If my Master wanted to change and go back to vanilla or if we split up then I might try vanilla again but I would still have to have some kinky things in the bedroom to make me happy, of course how I grew up the woman was submissive to a point so I could see that working for me maybe not fullfilled all the way but enough to satisfy those 'urges'.



WhiplashSmile -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 1:14:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: addicted2it
Yes, the roles within BDSM are more clearly-defined. 

Ha I LOVE when people bring up that lie.

You read any of the definitions threads we have?  Talk about lack of clear definition.  Have you read any of the hundreds of threads about "He said this, but I'm confused" or "She's supposed to be this but I don't like it" and on and on and on.

I'd place "More clearly defined relationship structure in bdsm" even above "can't punish a masochist with pain" in the list of Top Five Myths of BDSM


I really have to back LA up on this one.  Because within BDSM itself there are no clear rules for everybody to follow.  In the fact the biggest realization people have to face, is for them to sit down make a list of what the want and don't want.  In short, we all create our own rules, apply our own tastes and are supposed to come out of the closet with one another.   This actually takes a bit of work.   You have to come clean and honest with yourself, who you are and what you want.   The only clear difinitions can be found within ourselves.

I have a tendancy to roll my eyes, when I read profiles where somebody expresses how much experience or well trained they are.   What does this mean to me?  Will I have to work hard at untraining certain habits?  What kind of experiences, what kind of training.   It's kinda like instant sub/slave in a box that has been molded and shaped by somebody else.  There is not clear difinition about experience or training.  These things may or may not fit into what I want or desire.   My experiences and knowledge may or may not lign up right for others as well.

It good to express what you are and are not looking for.  What your expectation are, and how you feel and think about certain aspects.  If anything, most people in BDSM fuck up because they have not taken the time to become Self Aware.



Crush -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 1:24:06 PM)

Been there, tried that.  Still had to keep a bit of "the real me" on the side.  Good thing for the Internet and webcams.  And fortunate to find Mrs. Crush as well...

to quote Popeye "I yam what I yam"



MsBearlee -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 1:35:17 PM)

Hmmmmmmmm… go back to what?  I was married at 19…and introduced to anal sex.  Isn’t that a submissive thing?  …anyway, I adored it.  We also peed on each other in the shower…is that a BDSM thing?
 
I was divorced and dating a guy at age 30…and introduced him to anal sex.  Isn’t that a submissive thing?  Ha…I adored it (it was his butt that got penetrated, btw).   I discovered he was wearing my undies…and then he just wore ‘em to bed.  Is that a submissive/BDSM thing?  I thought it was fun.
 
We also peed on each other (on a well protected bed); that’s BDSM, no?  What about when he begged to drink from the font?  Surely then! 
 
What about when he asked me to spank him?  Okay…that was confusing; then.
 
When I was over 50, I first discovered the term “BDSM”.  Mostly what it’s done for me is open a community of like minded people and lots of friends.  This new world has opened up so many ideas for me.  It has allowed me to become more comfortable with myself and to meet so many other people who are comfortable with themselves.
 
Who would want to leave THAT?
 
B



Lillyishere -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 1:37:42 PM)

whats vanilla?



Stranger1 -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 2:27:02 PM)

Vanilla is an illusion. There is no "lifestyle", it is a fantasy created by people who wanted to feel better about themselves. It's not about identity-but association.



Celeste43 -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 2:34:14 PM)

I'm in my 50's. The odds are that in twenty years I won't be getting tied up and spanked regularly so I had better be prepared for vanilla.

I'd miss bondage of course but more important than that is a man who is naturally dominant in our relationship. And I like missionary, I like lying there pinned down by his weight as he plunges into me.



WhiplashSmile -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 2:43:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lillyishere
whats vanilla?

I'm starting to wonder myself anymore...  this is why I proclaim some of my past relationships as "Vanilla with shades of BDSM".   I've never been in a completely Vanilla relationship that I can ever recall. 



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 2:47:29 PM)

The problem so many people have with labels is that they think if you tack on something, you must therefore EXCLUDE everything else.  That's just not true.

It's like being gay and asking "What's not gay?"  Yes, there a subtle variations of being involved in kink or the extensions of your relationship, but I think we can all understand "well enough" what someone means when they say "I'm not vanilla" or "This is my lifestyle."



Suleiman -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 2:51:36 PM)

Hmmm...

For me there is no going back, per se. I lost my virginity in a dungeon. Nearly all of my relationships have been contextualized by a backdrop of BDSM. In comparison to some of my earlier relationships, the one I am in now is very nearly vanilla. I pretty much started out doing the 24/7 TPE lifestyle thing, and now we just kind of do the occasional bedroom scene. I suppose that, if I were trapped in a wholly monogamous vanilla relationship, I would be very unhappy, but I have made a point to avoid such things. Better no relationship at all, in my opinion, than one which does not meet my needs, or where I am unable to meet my partner's needs.



Casie -> RE: Going back to vanilla. Would you? Have you tried and failed? (4/27/2007 5:22:03 PM)

I honestly don't think I could go back to vanillia I would certainly feel unfullfilled. And yearn to be in a setting where I would be true to who I am and it be apperciated and looked down upon



Page: <<   < prev  1 2 3 [4] 5   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.03125