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The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 3:18:24 PM

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Dominants, what do you think of submissives that you can tell are agreeing with everything you say, just to agree? What about when they claim to like everything you like, only to find out later, those were not their interests at all? I think this is really common with male submissives trying to initiate conversations with femdoms, both online and in real life. I have been extremely frustrated in the past to find out that sub men made up stuff to agree with me, or agreed with my opinions just to be agreeable.

Submissives, do you feel pressured or uncomfortable about disagreeing with a dominant partner when you are in the early stages? For those that do not, how do you disagree and still remain respectful?

Do some submissives think it's not possible to disagree with a dominant without appearing rude? Do you find it is easier and safer to just agree?

Akasha

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RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 3:21:05 PM

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I politely make my feelings / opinion known but at the end of the day all final decisions etc lay with him so i have to suck it up, which i do after privately sulking.

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RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 3:25:53 PM

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I think it depends.

Does one desire honest and complete communication-or just to have lip service paid to it?

If i want honesty, I should be prepared to hear things I may not like.

Without rancor, malice or resentment.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 3:28:41 PM

imthatacheyouhav

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Master said i can tell him anything as long as i'm respectful. so i try very hard to do that...

ps. i also found out what happens when i say something to Him in a not so respectful way....(rubs butt,ouchie)

(in reply to missturbation)

RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 3:38:46 PM

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If I don't make my views, my likes, my wants, etc, etc... known then I am only cheating myself out of the happiness I deserve. If I pretend to like something or to be someone I am not just so a particular Dom will want me how am I to find true happiness and someone I am truly compatible with.

In the early stages of getting to know someone they do not own me I have not agreed to submit to there will so in that stage of the game I share those ideas as I would with any other person I was just getting to know. Once I have decided to submit I still make my thoughts, concerns, opinions known. Of coarse it is done in a completely respectful way and with in the rules that have been set forth. But I also accept that the one I serves word is final. I would never be with some one who did not encourage my thoughts and opinions and who did not take them into consideration. Now don't get me wrong. This does not mean I get my way just that I was heard and what I had to say was thought about. Weather or not He does something with them is still up to Him.

aurora

(in reply to Stranger1)

RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 3:41:00 PM

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Yes.

Dominion implies that with responsibility comes choice.

(in reply to aurora31)

RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 4:02:57 PM

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I have had this happen before. As a result I changed my approach and now I do not discuss what I like and do not like until after they have discussed it with me first. I simply tell them I want to get to know about them first and once I am done with all my questions I will give them an opportunity to ask me questions. In addition, I no longer discuss BDSM until after I have gotten to know more about them as a person first but that is to help with a different issue.

Tigress~FL

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 4:21:16 PM

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The most frustrating sub I ever had was one whose almost every answer was "whatever you think".... Yeah, I make the choices and decisions blah blah but one of the primary advantages of owning a sub is to have the input of another intelligent adult, esp coming from the very different female perspective. The best decisions are *informed* decisions....

Speaking for other subs I've had, it was never "rocket science" for them to know the difference between us just talking as adults from me taking charge. For the latter, the real communication comes from my eyes and tone of what I'm saying - THAT'S when it's "whatever *I* think"!

As for these subs ingratiating themselves upon you through falsehoods etc, I would think anyone who has to feign a common interest in something would be easily found out by a few simple questions on their supposed independent knowledge and experience of it.

I get along perfectly well with any partner who has separate interests to my own. Indeed, they can be a source of taking a break from each other to refresh and recharge without causing friction or despair. Hell, I can't think of a better time to do a simple bondage scene than when I wanna do or watch something the girl's not interested in.

Frankly, too much "agreeableness" is suffocating!

Focus.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 4:22:41 PM

Casie

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I personally would never lie just to be agreeable. I have passionate opions and need someone who values and respects that. Lucklily Andy and I do agree on most things. But ultimitly desions are up to him.

(in reply to TigressFL)

RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 4:25:29 PM

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In the early stages, i tell them my thoughts about things especially limits. i have learned not to try and sway those to meet what the Dom's expectations are because the bottom line is that you will be unable to fulfill them

minnetar

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 4:30:17 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Do some submissives think it's not possible to disagree with a dominant without appearing rude? Do you find it is easier and safer to just agree?

If a Dominant believes honest and open input from their sub is essential to the relationship, it is the Dominant's responsibility to create an environment where the sub feels safe to disagree in a respectful way. I, for one, sure wouldn't want my slave agreeing with everything I say out of fear of creating an offense. Honest communication is the lynch pin to a healthy relationship.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 5:12:23 PM

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Actually, I think the submissives that tell you what they think you want to hear and then, try to "change it up", later are indulging in manipulation. I think it's a form of a mind-fuck.

Sure, some of us, do it, with the best of intentions (ie; I would REALLY like to be someone who frequently washes the dishes, after dinner and I do do it, on occasion but, if I said I do it, frequently, I'd be a liar).

Where the real trouble starts is when we have someone "paying lips service" to some serious issue (polyamory, swinging, flogging, fisting, what have you), and then, trying to manipulate the situation so that those activities that they're not really into get pushed into the background.

All-in-all, the way I understand the lifestyle is that the perfect submissive for me really does enjoy everything that I do (if for no other reason than she enjoys the fact that it brings me pleasure).

Ooooooops! I didn't answer the actual question part!

For ANY relationship to be successful and healthy, open communication is a MUST. However, because men and ladies speak two different languages, sometimes there can be a perceived attitude of hostility toward open communication. Here's what I mean:

I have had times where a young lady said something to me and I have said: "Well, I understand that but, here's why I won't do that, that way ...." Unfortunately, because of the yawning language chasm, what she heard was: "Shut your fucking mouth. You're stupid and so are your ideas."

Just because I find her idea to be inappropriate does NOT mean that she should stop sharing those ideas. Unfortunately, that's what generally. We need to learn how to speak the others' language.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

< Message edited by Satyr6406 -- 4/27/2007 5:21:12 PM >

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(in reply to SirDominic)

RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 5:53:05 PM

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From: Anchorage Alaska
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quote:

Submissives, do you feel pressured or uncomfortable about disagreeing with a dominant partner when you are in the early stages? For those that do not, how do you disagree and still remain respectful?

Greetings

If it is something that I feel strongly about; I tell Master that I disagree with his decision and then hurry on to do what it was he wished for me to do. After it is done, if Master feels the need to do so, we sit down and talk about it some more and then he makes another decision on whether or not he will ever have me do such again.

I wish you well

melissa

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 6:00:22 PM

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I have never felt uncomfortable about bringing up subjects that I felt needed to be discussed immediatly; or that I had a difference of opinion on. The key to keeping the communication and discussion flowing evenly is to keep anger, resentment, and pride out of it and remain calm and respectful of each other.

There have been times that I have just went along and agreed with something that was suggested, but not because I felt it was rude or disrespectful to speak up about it. Mainly it was because it was just easier and made more sense to do what he wanted at that time then aruge the point ( especially when it was something that I would eventually do anyway )

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RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 6:17:28 PM

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I ran across a similar thing in the first stage of negotiations where we'd used check list. If I gave my feelings or opinions as we worked through them, the person "adjusted" to me.

So no, I don't tell them anything at all, we focus on them telling what their limits, desires, needs, and experience is. Then, if I see there is enough overlap, I will reveal what my responses are in those categories. It took a good deal of practice and a fair amount of "teacher mode" for me to be able to not reveal things as we talked.

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 6:59:45 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Stranger1

I think it depends.

Does one desire honest and complete communication-or just to have lip service paid to it?

If i want honesty, I should be prepared to hear things I may not like.

Without rancor, malice or resentment.

Well put.

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RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 7:59:44 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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It is IMO dependant on the issue ...if important enough I will give my input, hopefully ,respectfully..:0)...if not, I will simply do what needs must be done...however..in any conversation with another adult, and it not being based on the D/s dynamic at the time but just exchanging of thoughts and ideas..oh yeah! you better believe, I will have my own opinion and will voice it....Tempting

(in reply to AquaticSub)

RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/27/2007 10:42:04 PM

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I have to say this is a topic that has been on my mind today. You see, we have been disagreeing about home decor subjects. It is hard for me as a submissive not to be "supportive" of him, even when I disagree. How does a submissive tell her One that "I love you, but I cannot stand that dish pattern" or "that color is so 1990s" and still sound submissive? We are not always going to have the same taste, and he is the dom, and he gets what he wants. I have bought what I wanted the way I wanted it my entire adult life, so it is hard to adjust to this. Sometimes I feel a little left out of the decision making process

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/28/2007 12:57:50 AM

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i've never had a problem with disagreeing, doesn't mean i expect to get my way, just letting Him know that i have different taste.

As for expressing it in a respectful manner.
one would be respectful in disagreeing with a friend or a family member.
so no reason why one can't disagree with a Dom/Domme and still remain respectful.
of course one might chose different words to use, but one would do that anyways depending on who they are talking with in the first place.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

RE: The disagreeable sub - 4/28/2007 1:05:57 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TigressFL
I have had this happen before. As a result I changed my approach and now I do not discuss what I like and do not like until after they have discussed it with me first. I simply tell them I want to get to know about them first and once I am done with all my questions I will give them an opportunity to ask me questions. In addition, I no longer discuss BDSM until after I have gotten to know more about them as a person first but that is to help with a different issue.
Tigress~FL

I've been coming to this same realization as well.

(in reply to TigressFL)

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