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What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 12:46:16 AM

GaPhoto

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

I'm having NO luck in finding someone on this site. I dont even get replies. I understand that there are alot of assholes out there who are using this site for naught but porn and cyber sex, but I would hope that it is evident that there are those of us who are real on here. I've attempted to contact several girls but none of them have even dignified me with a response. I dont send out one sentence messages, I dont try to command them or anything of the like, yet still nothing.

I would like to ask those of you on here for some advice, I'm on the site as GaPhoto . I tried my best to state as much as I could on my profile. I'm completly honest and up front as possible. Do I need to add more? Do I need to change things? Or am I just a hopeless case?

I look forward to any replies,
Zack

Post #: 1

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 2:19:52 AM

phoenixinchains

Posts: 2534
Joined: 4/5/2007
From: i live here
Status: offline

since i'm running on caffiene fumes, here it goes. your name says little about you, and the picture is just as vague. i've not looked at your profile, but that's because i won't talk to males unless it's on the message board. nothing personal there. but maybe thinking of a name that relates a little more about you could be catchier to the eye and mind. what i've gathered from your posty-pic is that you like the out of doors and to take pictures, and that really hasn't set you apart from the herd... don't give up, the more you post on the message board, the more attention comes your way, lol, especially when you don't agree with someone. look for profiles of people with simlar interest, sometimes people start writing back and forth that way. best of luck- Phoenix

(in reply to GaPhoto)

Post #: 2

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 2:26:05 AM

Totalmaster4you

Posts: 1359
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

Ga,
I will be surprised if you get many replies. There are a couple of reasons why. Your "request" sounds partly accusing, rant and pleading which is not attractive to a sub/slave. Read it yourself as objectively as possible and see if you'd want to answer you. Tointeract with someone putting the vibe out that you are. You probably think of yourself as an average nice guy. That isn't necessarily what the slaves/subs are looking for on collarme. I have these affirmative suggestions if you really do want to change things. First go to some local parties and observe the Dominants, how they carry themselves the protocols they observe and the way they speak particularly to women they don't know. Second or first if there are no local groups, go on the chatrooms and again observe. See if you can find a more mature Dominant who would be willing to mentor you and help youbecome on the outside what you see on the inside. Third make friends and ask them to help polish off your rough edges. Remember not to violate the "friendship" and hit on the friend. Good luck.

_____________________________

Sometime ago I decided it was time to change my nic. However I didn't wish to disconnect from my original profile. Since then I've signed Touch your mind (TYM or Tym). Opinions in my posts should be taken as my opinion and my opinion only.

(in reply to GaPhoto)

Post #: 3

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 2:49:23 AM

GeekyGirl

Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline

I can tell you exactly what I think it is. You seem like a nice guy, and if you emailed me, I would send you a polite "no thanks" but I wouldn't be interested in you. Why? Well as much as you say in your profile that you don't want to hear it... You're too young. Sorry. Not trying to offend you but just being honest.

90% of subs don't want a 20yr old dominant.

First, I never date anyone younger than me anyway...I want someone OLDER then me who has more life experience and will be able to guide me in my life.

You "work at a bookstore and go to school". Most of us want someone who has a stable financial base. Not because we're gold diggers but but because it proves to us that he can manage his OWN life well, and hence might be good at managing our life too. How could I ever trust you to manage my bank account and give me career advice when you don't even have a good job? I understand that at your age you SHOULD be doing exactly as you are (going to school.) But being dommed by a college kid isn't a turn on for most of us.

If I was vanilla even, I wouldn't date men under 30 unless they were really exceptional individuals (and certainly no one under 25.) Men do a LOT of growing up and finding themselves in their early 20s. How is he supposed to help ME find MYSELF if he's still working on his own self?

Also, I'm looking to eventually settle down and remarry...I don't think it's healthy for men in their early 20's to marry. I think they need time to "spread their wild oats" and get all that wild foolishness out of their system.

Most subs with any real life experience with knowledgeable dominants are going to get bored or frustrated with an inexperienced dom. We don't like knowing that we know more than you. Young dominants, however well meaning, tend to fumble, make mistakes etc. I don't want to have to remind him to double lock the handcuffs or some such.

If a sub wants to do any form of edge play, she usually won't trust a young dom.

These are just my opinions and experiences and I'm sorry if you find them offensive...but you asked why you weren't getting replies and I think your age is a part of it.

And your profile does come across as being a bit desperate and pleading which is not something I associate with a strong, dominant type. You don't seem self-assured.

< Message edited by GeekyGirl -- 4/30/2007 2:51:24 AM >

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to Totalmaster4you)

Post #: 4

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 3:07:05 AM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

I hate to say it. But I have to agree, your age is against you. Although.....
the building blocks are there. In time you will grow and experiance more.
There is hope........ try to avoid becoming negitive and enjoy what you can.
In another decade everything will be just fine.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 5

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 3:15:33 AM

NakedGirlScout

Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline

Hi GaPhoto,
I agree with some points the previous people have made; age is a big factor, and so is the way your profile sounds. The profile begins with a negative comment about other people on this site, which doesn't exactly stir any submissive urges. Maybe you can get a submissive female friend to help you edit it in ways that would be more attractive to someone like herself.

I really don't know who you've been writing to, to get no responses. Some questions to ask yourself:
- Is the person I'm wiriting likely looking for a dom who is my age? (they are probably 18 - 20 themselves)
- Is the person I'm writing someone who logs into collarme on a frequent basis? You can tell by watching their "last online" date. People who have posted here only casually may be overwhelmed by hundreds of emails when they happen to log back in after several days.
- If they do sound like they're looking for someone my age, and they do log into CM frequently, have I followed up my first letter with another one -- politely-- asking if they received the first one and requesting a "no thanks" if not interested? Sometimes even fairly good letters go unanswered because they get lost in the jumble.
- Is my original letter actually something a submissive would be interested in? Does it discuss her points of interest, or only yourself? This is another place where getting a submissive female friend to look at what you've written could be helpful.
- Lastly: Most men I've talked to here have complained that they weren't getting good responses, regardless of their age, experience, or how good they sounded to me. Could it be that your level of response is actually average, no worse than other male doms here, and something that you'll just have to work with? Maybe going into chatrooms and meeting people at real-life events is more productive than using email only.

That's all I can think of for the moment,
Good luck!

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 6

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 3:55:07 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

Age for me isnt an issue - but the beginning of your profile really is off putting and also contadicts itself (your wanting to join a poly group/ relationships but dont look for sex?) Do you really understand the SSC mantra? Saying you adhere to it means nothing unless you do. You also condemm people within the first few sentances and that just shouts out judgemental and uptight and too 'one true wayism'. I would suggest wiping the first paragraph and launch straight into yourself...I would show some of your photographic work on the profile or a link to your website, not just say you are into photography. And the P.S at the end sends a mixed message. Hope this assists.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to GaPhoto)

Post #: 7

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 4:17:19 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

Age. If you were a female dominant, you'd be overwhelmed with interest from sub men (particularly those much older than you) but it's a little different for femsubs for the most part.

That said - you're in the right place in your life right now. You are going to college and working - you are involved in your local scene - you are actively learning from someone experienced in the lifestyle real time. I would scratch the first half of your profile, and let the rest of your profile speak for itself as to the fact that you're not one of the wanking masses who spend years online and never do anything.

I'd say your best bet to meet play partners is actually going to be through your local scene - let people get to know you face to face, and you won't so quickly be judged on your age but also on other qualities. Focus on school as that's youre priority right now - relationships will come when the time is appropriate.

I started out in all of this when I was 23 myself, and what I thought I wanted then and what I want now are vastly different things - interests and needs evolve over time, tempered by experience and learning. It's all good :-)

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 8

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 7:35:13 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

I can tell you exactly what I think it is. You seem like a nice guy, and if you emailed me, I would send you a polite "no thanks" but I wouldn't be interested in you. Why? Well as much as you say in your profile that you don't want to hear it... You're too young. Sorry. Not trying to offend you but just being honest.

90% of subs don't want a 20yr old dominant.

First, I never date anyone younger than me anyway...I want someone OLDER then me who has more life experience and will be able to guide me in my life.

You "work at a bookstore and go to school". Most of us want someone who has a stable financial base. Not because we're gold diggers but but because it proves to us that he can manage his OWN life well, and hence might be good at managing our life too. How could I ever trust you to manage my bank account and give me career advice when you don't even have a good job? I understand that at your age you SHOULD be doing exactly as you are (going to school.) But being dommed by a college kid isn't a turn on for most of us.

If I was vanilla even, I wouldn't date men under 30 unless they were really exceptional individuals (and certainly no one under 25.) Men do a LOT of growing up and finding themselves in their early 20s. How is he supposed to help ME find MYSELF if he's still working on his own self?

Also, I'm looking to eventually settle down and remarry...I don't think it's healthy for men in their early 20's to marry. I think they need time to "spread their wild oats" and get all that wild foolishness out of their system.

Most subs with any real life experience with knowledgeable dominants are going to get bored or frustrated with an inexperienced dom. We don't like knowing that we know more than you. Young dominants, however well meaning, tend to fumble, make mistakes etc. I don't want to have to remind him to double lock the handcuffs or some such.

If a sub wants to do any form of edge play, she usually won't trust a young dom.

These are just my opinions and experiences and I'm sorry if you find them offensive...but you asked why you weren't getting replies and I think your age is a part of it.

And your profile does come across as being a bit desperate and pleading which is not something I associate with a strong, dominant type. You don't seem self-assured.

I trust young doms as much as I trust older doms. Valyraen is only a year older then me.

I don't think your cause is hopeless because of your age Ga. I think you have to be patient. Older masters with more experience and who can flick a whip impressively are "sexy". But I'd still rather have a man around my age who cares about me. I don't care about little experience - Valyraen had none when we started. I taught him, my friends taught him, other people we met taught him. That part can always be fixed after all and it's not very hard to fix.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 4/30/2007 7:36:18 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 9

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 7:47:46 AM

GeekyGirl

Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline

It's all cool if it works for you Aquatic...for me, having to "train" him would be a turn off!

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 10

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 8:07:49 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

It's all cool if it works for you Aquatic...for me, having to "train" him would be a turn off!

I guess I just don't understand why. For us the teaching was fun and a wonderful way to bond. We are all human and each submissive possesses skills that she could teach her owner - why not flogging how tos?

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 4/30/2007 8:08:17 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 11

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 8:13:56 AM

Stranger1

Posts: 219
Joined: 4/13/2007
Status: offline

Subs dig confidence, patience, and maturity.

(in reply to GaPhoto)

Post #: 12

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 8:15:51 AM

GaPhoto

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I'll try to apply everything that ya'll said today. But there are a few personal hangups that cause me trouble in writing letters and profiles. On initial contact I'm very shy, I spent years trying to mould a "mask" to present in everyday life, and due to this my Dominant side has been hidden within me. I know its in there, I'm very introspective and I've talked to quite a few others who've said that they've seen signs that its definetly in me. But I have a hell of a lot of trouble in knowing what to say in initial contact. Any advice?

Zack

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 13

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 8:21:47 AM

BondageTopJere

Posts: 170
Joined: 8/22/2006
Status: offline

Lol, your profiles wrote better than mine at any rate. But in response to the OP....

I agree with the others in scratching the first paragraph. Everything in specifically stated in it is either statd elsewhere in the profile or gives the impression of it.

Use your journal and update it frequently. Its the best way I can think of when it comes to showing your thought processes, and I've gotten many a comment on it, which can be a great place to pursue something if the oppurtunity avails itself.

As for the age thing, trust me when i say 'been there, done that, got the the T-shirt'. I've had a profile of one form or another on CM since I was 22, and I've only just now managed to find myself in the beginnings of a relationship at near 28. The fact of the matter is being young does work against you to a large degree when your a Dom. Age isn't a number for for the middle of the scale, being at the edge of too young, that number takes on a new importance. You could be a complete master of every single toy in the inventory, know every form of play inside and out, and to be honest it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference until you get older. IME the majority of subs your age start looking around 25 and up, although they can be found.

So don't worry about not having a sub for the next 4-6 years. Get finished with school, get the job, get the house. At that point you can really start the 'get the sub' phase of your life. I know how exactly godawful frustrating it can be, it almost drove me vanilla at some few points in the last 5 yrs. But it WILL come in time. Turn out all those patronizing 'Be patient. You'll find the one' comments i've gotten in the interrengum were right

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 14

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 8:22:03 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GaPhoto

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I'll try to apply everything that ya'll said today. But there are a few personal hangups that cause me trouble in writing letters and profiles. On initial contact I'm very shy, I spent years trying to mould a "mask" to present in everyday life, and due to this my Dominant side has been hidden within me. I know its in there, I'm very introspective and I've talked to quite a few others who've said that they've seen signs that its definetly in me. But I have a hell of a lot of trouble in knowing what to say in initial contact. Any advice?

Zack

"Hi, how are you? You said you enjoy *insert activity that is not sexual* in your profile. I'd like to talk to you and learn more about you and it/I do that too, isn't it really fun? *insert nifty question about the activity* Let me know if you are interested in talking."

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to GaPhoto)

Post #: 15

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 8:25:58 AM

GeekyGirl

Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

It's all cool if it works for you Aquatic...for me, having to "train" him would be a turn off!

I guess I just don't understand why. For us the teaching was fun and a wonderful way to bond. We are all human and each submissive possesses skills that she could teach her owner - why not flogging how tos?

It's just not something that works for me...I'm really impatient and I would get frustrated with him for not knowing the ropes (pun intended). I'm glad it worked out good for you guys...I just have this thing where I want him to have this wise and knowledgeable vibe to him that makes me feel like I'm being led by him.

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 16

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 8:38:00 AM

MasterSohun

Posts: 56
Joined: 3/11/2007
Status: offline

Gaphoto,it has been my experience it takes awhile to find a good slave,in a previous board i have used it took me 6 months to develop a serious inquiry from a sub that was interested,my former slave actually encouraged me to use the interenet to fiind someone,now your experience is not uncommon i have had maybe three inquires in the space of a month.but you see im also seeking something specifiic,i actaully want to collar a new sub by mid summer that may be an artifical timetable i wont keep.i have had luck with boards like this,my attempts here are fairly new.i dont know how long you have been on but dont give up the ship quite yet,i know it probably frustrates you but it does take time

(in reply to GaPhoto)

Post #: 17

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 8:49:27 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

It's just not something that works for me...I'm really impatient and I would get frustrated with him for not knowing the ropes (pun intended). I'm glad it worked out good for you guys...I just have this thing where I want him to have this wise and knowledgeable vibe to him that makes me feel like I'm being led by him.

Meh. It's my opinion the submissive teachs the owner regardless of their experience level. They aren't mind-readers and we have to show them our limits, what we can take in terms of pain and still be pleasured, what we can endure for them, what we just can't handle. They learn from us and we from them no matter what.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 18

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 8:54:36 AM

temptressofsouls

Posts: 208
Joined: 3/29/2005
From: Toledo, OH
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

It's all cool if it works for you Aquatic...for me, having to "train" him would be a turn off!

It's all in the way you look at it, really-not so much training him as serving him in the best way possible. Not telling him what to do, but showing him how to do something, if he asks.

When Jinx and I met, we had both dated people in the lifestyle, but never had a truly serious relationship with someone into bdsm. I was familiar with a lot of the protocols and had been trained in etiquette and those sorts of things, which he didnt have extensive experience in, but he'd been to play parties and knew and met people real time and had, along the way, been taught how to weild a flogger and other such physical aspects, so we were both concious of how much experience we didnt have, but we atleast balanced eachother out.

When a situation would crop up where I had learnt protocol for, I'd ask him how he'd like me to behave. "Would it please you if I...." "How would you prefer me to act in this situation?" "What sorts of things would you like me to do on a regular basis?" "What do you expect of me behaviour wise?" Never did I train him, I just sort of pointed out the options, and he ran with them.

It worked for us.

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 19

RE: What am I doing wrong? - 4/30/2007 8:55:12 AM

GeekyGirl

Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

It's just not something that works for me...I'm really impatient and I would get frustrated with him for not knowing the ropes (pun intended). I'm glad it worked out good for you guys...I just have this thing where I want him to have this wise and knowledgeable vibe to him that makes me feel like I'm being led by him.

Meh. It's my opinion the submissive teachs the owner regardless of their experience level. They aren't mind-readers and we have to show them our limits, what we can take in terms of pain and still be pleasured, what we can endure for them, what we just can't handle. They learn from us and we from them no matter what.

I see your point. I think maybe I got spoiled by my first Master. He was much older and I never really had to tell him anything..it was almost like he could read my mind. I never even gave him a list of hard limits or safe words..he could just "read" me very well, almost in a eery psychic kind of way!

I guess that now when I play with someone who doesn't read me like that, I feel disappointed.

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 20

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