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How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 12:31:22 PM

newtothis55

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline

As my name says I am new to the lf. I am serious about wanting to explore my submissive feelings, etc, however I am scared about meeting a potential Dom/me. How long is a good time to communicate with someone before a meeting? I know there is no set time but I am trying to get a sense of things. I have someone writing me (total of 3 times now via this site), this time wanting explicit answers on a "online exercise" and asking again when we can meet.
I belive in feeling safe, I know nothing about this person beyond what he has said in his emails, and I do not believe 3 emails equals any kind of bond. Am I way out in space on this? I am 57 so I think maybe my age has something to do with how i feel on safety.
Anyone with any thoughts or suggestions , please please respond.
Thanks so much

Post #: 1

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 12:39:21 PM

Masternslave07

Posts: 203
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline

I never see the point in having a long drawn out online exchange before meeting. Unless this is a long distance thing, if you are interested, meet this person. Meet somewhere in public where there will be plenty of people around.
Just make sure that you are not forced or bullied into meeting. I am sensing the beginnings of that in your post.

_____________________________

You can lead a horse to water, but not a cow.

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Post #: 2

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 12:42:34 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

Welcome to BDSM and to Collarme. You're right to want to stay safe, it's very important. My #1 bit of advice is to go with your gut feeling. If EVER, at any point, talking to someone via email, chat, phone, or whatever creeps you out or you feel uncomfortable, you're probably right so trust your instincts. On the other hand, if you have a good feeling about someone after talking consistently, you're probably right on that as well. My rule of thumb is to move into instant messaging to get a better sense of their personality, then on to the phone (you can always block your number before calling) and then finally to meet in a public place. For me, I prefer doing all of this sooner than later because why waste time on someone just to find out when you meet in person that they are nothing like what you want? That DOES happen a lot so be prepared for it. Goodluck to you!

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to newtothis55)

Post #: 3

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 12:45:58 PM

MistressHolly71

Posts: 354
Joined: 7/4/2007
From: Southern Maryland
Status: offline

Don't let anyone rush you into meeting. I always send several emails back & forth then move to multiple phone calls. I wait until the person & I both feel ready. The first meeting should always be in public & I strongly recommend using safecalls.

(in reply to newtothis55)

Post #: 4

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 12:47:28 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

If you meet people at a party, how many of them will you have had even ONE internet chat with?

Reposted:
Once you have come to the point of deciding you WANT to meet offline, no more than two months.

Unless you're talking about someone off being deployed, there's no reason two financially stable, independent adults cannot plan and make a visit to eachother within two months. If you want to make it happen, you will.

Most people gloss over the fact that the first meeting is like a template for the relationship, at least the first stage of it. How hard it is to get together, how long it takes, what time you spent together, what you do DURING that time- that is a very good indicator of how the relationship will be overall. Specially if it's a long distance meeting. You should take that first meeting into serious account when deciding if this is what you want for your life in the long term.

Of course, I don't think anyone should make any serious commitments for the first six months of exploration anyway. But no one ever listens to that.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_963494/mpage_1/key_months/tm.htm#963595
How long before meeting?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_200507/mpage_2/key_months/tm.htm#209054
How soon is "rushed"?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to newtothis55)

Post #: 5

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 12:57:21 PM

bliss1

Posts: 497
Joined: 3/14/2007
Status: offline

My recommendations is also in public with safe calls. I always used a cell and if I were to say "I'm having a WONDERFUL time." would mean get your ass over here now. No sense taking a chance that you will set off a series of events that could lead to serious trouble. I always made sure the person I was calling understood my code words.

_____________________________

Witch before, during, and after my coffee.

(in reply to MistressHolly71)

Post #: 6

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 1:00:59 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

Personally, i would chat on IM for a few weeks and then at least a few phone calls before i trusted someone enough to meet in person. I also wouldn't agree to submit to them before meeting. JMHO

Hope it all works out for you.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to newtothis55)

Post #: 7

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 1:02:38 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

I always skew the results (and gladly so).

Most people I have met have felt comfortable meeting that day, if/when possible. It wasn't because of pressure I've put on, sometimes that pressure has come from the other party.

My current partner was a little different in that we're separated by 700 miles. I also wanted to take things EXTRA slow (for me). By the time I was certain that I 'needed' to meet her, that first weekend had come and gone, so that wasn't prudent. I then wanted to meet the following weekend (which would have been 11 days). She said no, possibly the week after that. Of course, I kept my options open and didn't say any more about it.

That Friday night (Day 10), I got the email.... What did you say you were doing tomorrow?

Packed, drove, done. We've come a long way since then. In half an hour I'm driving to the airport to fly instead of drive.

Jeff

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

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Post #: 8

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 1:09:03 PM

DarkDaddyZ

Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline

A basic meeting if there's interest should happen when both parties feel they are ready. That could be a year, 2 days, six months whatever. While there are elements of power exchange that may need time I think sometimes we think there's a guide on just basic things we do as people. We are lifestylers second, people first.
Follow your gut :)

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 9

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 1:11:11 PM

Najakcharmer

Posts: 2121
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline

The general answer for me is that if I want to connect with someone, then we should be meeting for coffee in pretty short order. I don't do any kind of online play or long drawn out Internet bullshit. I meet people casually looking for friendship and intelligent conversation, and if that works, then it's possible we might get around to playing or dating. That's the order I like to do things in, so a real life meeting for me is strictly casual and sociable, and really no big deal.

Obviously the meeting is also in public, and if I get any sense that they're creepy or have some kind of agenda beyond friendly socializing, I'm out of there and that's the end of my time wasting. But I'll generally venture a few minutes at a coffee shop on anyone who seems intelligent and interesting, whether or not they are of a gender or sexual orientation I have any personal interest in.

(in reply to newtothis55)

Post #: 10

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 3:53:05 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Once you have come to the point of deciding you WANT to meet offline, no more than two months.

What she said!

Thanks for the welcome back! Doesn't look like much has changed!

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 11

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 4:41:32 PM

LadyIce

Posts: 406
Joined: 7/4/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: newtothis55

As my name says I am new to the lf. I am serious about wanting to explore my submissive feelings, etc, however I am scared about meeting a potential Dom/me. How long is a good time to communicate with someone before a meeting? I know there is no set time but I am trying to get a sense of things. I have someone writing me (total of 3 times now via this site), this time wanting explicit answers on a "online exercise" and asking again when we can meet.
I belive in feeling safe, I know nothing about this person beyond what he has said in his emails, and I do not believe 3 emails equals any kind of bond. Am I way out in space on this? I am 57 so I think maybe my age has something to do with how i feel on safety.
Anyone with any thoughts or suggestions , please please respond.
Thanks so much

Hello new to this.
There is no set time or way to go about meeting someone that you meet online.
That said, I think you should meet when you are comfortable meeting them.
Always meet in a public place that you feel safe in, like a restaurant.
I would also plan on paying for your own meal.
Tell several people where you are going, and if you really feel ill at ease, there is no
law stating you can't bring a friend with you.
I also want a home phone number and an address prior to meeting real time.
I also talk to the person a few weeks and exchange current photos prior to meeting.
Go with your instincts and good luck!

< Message edited by LadyIce -- 7/6/2007 4:42:28 PM >

(in reply to newtothis55)

Post #: 12

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 4:44:19 PM

LadyHeart

Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I am also of the "meet as soon as possible" school of thought. Safely in a public place, sure. But life's too short to waste mucking round with people who aren't what they seem, and the only way to check that out is to meet for real. It shows that they are serious, not just playing internet games.

One thing I would say - the nic you have chosen is bound to attract trolls. It screams: I'm naive, I dont know what I'm doing. Fortunately you have life experience on your side, but think about dumping that nic

:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 13

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 4:45:26 PM

ocilla

Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

What she says is how I operate. Meet pretty quickly - reduces wasted energy and time and keeps my wild imagination in check.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Najakcharmer

The general answer for me is that if I want to connect with someone, then we should be meeting for coffee in pretty short order. I don't do any kind of online play or long drawn out Internet bullshit. I meet people casually looking for friendship and intelligent conversation, and if that works, then it's possible we might get around to playing or dating. That's the order I like to do things in, so a real life meeting for me is strictly casual and sociable, and really no big deal.

Obviously the meeting is also in public, and if I get any sense that they're creepy or have some kind of agenda beyond friendly socializing, I'm out of there and that's the end of my time wasting. But I'll generally venture a few minutes at a coffee shop on anyone who seems intelligent and interesting, whether or not they are of a gender or sexual orientation I have any personal interest in.

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to Najakcharmer)

Post #: 14

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 6:19:53 PM

LadyPaige

Posts: 187
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I don't care for stilted e-mails with people I've never met. Initially I tend to only use e-mail to screen interests, age, location and attitude, then move on to meeting as soon as possible before I get them all mixed up with the others who keep e-mailing me.

Paige

(in reply to ocilla)

Post #: 15

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 6:25:25 PM

imthatacheyouhav

Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline

I am all for meeting as soon as possible..."dating" is a great way to get to know someone...but remember THIS....:You are "A" submissive...You are not "his" submissive....not unless, and until, You have BOTH talked and decided thats is Your path.

_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to LadyPaige)

Post #: 16

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 6:26:05 PM

mp072004

Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

I don't think you need to have a bond in order to meet. You need to basically meet the criteria of one another and feel like there is some mutual compatibility. (If you haven't already, it's good to define some clear, somewhat quantifiable criteria for what you want. For me, one criterion is polyamorous or poly-friendly--I have multiple partners, and thus if you're not okay with that, you're not the playmate for me.) I start to schedule a meeting happens when I've learned enough (as defined by me, which is pretty minimal, since I've got those quantifiable criteria, but, naturally you get to define 'enough' your own way) to think that this person and I might be compatible, and that it would at least be worth my time to meet him or her to ascertain a few more things.

Meetings, by the way, should take place in public, well-populated spaces that are at least somewhat familiar to you. Moderately alternative places are often good, but not necessary--just don't set your meeting at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant. Meetings for meals or tea/coffee are often good choices, but they're not the only options--if you're both somewhat active in the BDSM community where you are, you might find that you're both interested in attending a class or munch, which could be a good meeting place.

You shouldn't agree to submit before you meet in person. You might be inclined to defer to your prospective partner somewhat, or to be solicitous and try to arrange things for his or her convenience--that's a personality trait I've observed in some submissives, even before a proper relationship commences, and not a horrible one, as long as it's not exaggerated. If you're not behaving any more deferentially or obediently than you would with a vanilla date, you're likely okay.

(in reply to newtothis55)

Post #: 17

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 6:42:42 PM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Most people gloss over the fact that the first meeting is like a template for the relationship, at least the first stage of it. How hard it is to get together, how long it takes, what time you spent together, what you do DURING that time- that is a very good indicator of how the relationship will be overall. Specially if it's a long distance meeting. You should take that first meeting into serious account when deciding if this is what you want for your life in the long term.

So what does it mean if you fly up to Boston to have coffee with someone and find yourself getting a hotel room two hours later, spending three days together, and they are so hungry when you leave that they immediately fly down for a week with you, and you find yourself flying back and forth every weekend because no matter what you do you just can't get enough?

Jeez--I need to go back to the Starbucks at Govt. Center and find out what the hell they put in the mocha latte grandes.

_____________________________

True masters, true subs and slaves, X many years in the lifestyle, Old Guard this and High Protocol that--it's like a convention of D&D nerds were allowed to have sex once, and they decided to make a religion out of it.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 18

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 6:55:15 PM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

Personally, i prefer to get a 'feel' for a person o/l before i would even consider meeting in person. my reasoning however, is much different than what i think your reasoning is.

As a person new to this i think you should meet when you feel comfortable to do so. It sounds to me that 3 emails is not enough for you... that is ok. When you do meet, i strongly suggest you have safety precautions in order. Meet in a public place and make sure your people know where you are and that you are meeting someone for the first time (you do not have to go into detail) and how long you anticipate the meeting to last.. plan to call them either on your way home or when you get home. Safety should be your first concern.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to newtothis55)

Post #: 19

RE: How to know when its time to meet - 7/6/2007 8:51:17 PM

slaverosebeauty

Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: newtothis55
How long is a good time to communicate with someone before a meeting?

MJ an I have known eachother for over 3 years and we finally met last month, we figured we had been friends for this long and that something 'might' be there so why not, so we met. -- After that long of knowing eachother we met in a public place, greeted eachother with a BIG hug and talked. What happened next, well, thats on my lj blog {giggles} and history.

Normally, I chat, email, and talk on the phone with someone for at LEAST 2 weeks; I prefer quality chats, emails and IMs to quantity. If after a few days you feel you know someone enough to meet them for coffee or a drink, thats cool, just make sure you meet in a PUBLIC place.

quote:

..... I do not believe 3 emails equals any kind of bond. Am I way out in space on this?

I have met men after 3 emails before and one or two conversations. I met them at a Starbucks close to where I live, and made sure that they left first, I also let my best friend know where I was and who I was with. One of those times, I ended up being with the man for about 6 weeks. The other few times met after a few emails, nothing happened, nbd. It's life, hit and miss. You live, you learn and you move on.

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"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to newtothis55)

Post #: 20

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