RE: How to tell a true Master?

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RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 12:03:24 PM

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He walks softly and carries a big stick? LOL...sorry....the bottom line is there is noway to tell for sure...

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RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 12:33:15 PM

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I don't know if there is an answer to what makes one a "true" Master (or Dom).

However, I've found a few things that help me to determine if someone is going to be a GOOD Master (or Dom) for me. I will refer to Masters and Doms in the male sense, as that has been my only experience.

1 - They don't focus just on sex. Domination isn't always sexual (though that's a major bonus). Any man, regardless of whether he's a Dom, sub, switch, chimpanzee, etc., is interested in sex. Most "good" (IMO) Masters and Doms, however, are interested in the mind of the person that He is interested in. As one Dom once told me -- "Sex is easy to get; submissives are not."

2 - "Good" (IMO) Masters/Doms move a bit more slowly than your horny, get-me-off-online average male. The latter want to go straight to Yahoo, ask you for endless pictures, and...talk mostly about sex. The former generally ask more mundane questions and show their intellectual side before showing their libido.

3 - "Good" (IMO) Masters/Doms aren't ordering you around online. "Take off your panties and put them around your neck" isn't and order that most self-respecting subs will follow from someone online. And most "good" (IMO) Masters/Doms already know that submission is usually earned, and not just given blindly because someone grants themselves the moniker of Master or Dom.

There may be more indications, just based on my own personal criteria, but those are a few that always stand out for me when I'm chatting with a self-professed Master/Dom online.

And these are also only my own personal opinions. I'm sure that some will disagree.

(in reply to hammernhoney)

RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 12:42:28 PM

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Hi xoxi.

Not to pick on you, just some thoughts.

ORIGINAL: xoxi

Fast Reply:

You know, I do think there is such thing as a 'true Dom'. Unfortunately they come in infinite varieties, but I think it's important to differentiate between a 'true' or 'actual' Dom/me, and an abuser. Unfortunately there are plenty of people (men and women) who are attracted to this lifestyle because it lets them justify their abusive tendencies.

While I agree with you in theory, I think the nomenclature is poor. About 95% of the time I hear the word 'true' and 'Dom' (or sub, switch, master, slave, etc) the rest of what follows generally lacks in both substance and style. When we refer to someone as being a dominant, we're decidedly not talking about an abuser or predator. Certainly there are dominant abusers and predators, but when referring to such, we usually just say 'asshole.'

A few things that a 'true Dom/me' should do are:

*Respect your safe word/limits. There's a difference between pushing limits and violating them. If you're into light spanking, and the Dom/me does things that are painful to you, and you use the safeword but they don't stop (or even punish you for using the safeword) they're more likely an abuser than a Dom/me.

When such are part of the dynamic. I don't make use of safe words in my relationships. I find them poor substitutes for real communication, and stigmatize the interaction. Lots of conversations related to safewords are in progress elsewhere on this board though.

*Move at your pace. I'm not going to say a true Dom/me won't just talk about sex, because there are quite a few respectable people both Dom/me and sub who are looking for casual partners. But if someone starts asking about your experiences, your fantasies, etc. and you specifically tell them you're not comfortable with the conversation, and ask if you can talk about more mundane things for now, and they respond by getting mean or insulting you, it's a bad sign.

Yup. Completely agree.

*They won't cheat on you and justify it by saying they are a Dom/me. Polyamory, non-monogamy, and swinging are totally cool, but they are things that should be discussed and agreed on. If you are in a committed relationship, and find out s/he is sleeping with someone else, and when you bring it up they reply "Well I'm the Dom/me, I can do what I want," you can basically translate that into them saying "I'm a complete jerk and will do whatever I want." Then it's up to you if you really want to stay with them.

Also spot on. The issue isn't what people desire, but rather how we go about satisfying those desires.

I'm sure there are other things, but these three are the first that come into my mind. They are all things a 'true Dom/me" would do...as well as any respectable person. The only "non-true Dom/me" types I can think of are the sociopaths and abusers who think that BDSM will give them a certain amount of camoflage to make their tendencies more acceptable.

Yep. Again, I don't think they're best described as 'non-true' dominants; 'sociopath' and 'abuser' seems more appropriate.

That being said, if any of the things on that list is a fetish of yours....hey that's the exception that proves the rule ;) Some people like being cuckolded, and have a 'cheating on me fetish' but the biggest thing is consent. A true Dom/me will get consent. A rapist, cheater, or abuser won't bother.

Yep.

A big reason I take issue with the 'true' verses 'non-true' or 'twue' Dominant issues, are that it allows people to paint others in a light that suggests they are on par with rapists or abusers, for no other reason than they don't have matching tastes. "I true dominant would never play without safewords." I had a submissive throw that at me once a few years back. She might as well have just said the word monster; that's what she clearly meant. I understand that my style may appear monstrous; I'm fine with that. But in every relationship, consent is the biggest issue for me. I mentioned RACK a little earlier today; that everyone understands that what we're doing is risky, and that we're all consenting to it really is the only serious requirements for someone to be 'true.'

Stephan

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(in reply to xoxi)

RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 1:37:00 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExquisiteFeline

i realize all ppl are different, and each Dom has their own personality but...
What are the immediate indications that one would be communicating with a true Dom?
What is the definitive nature of a Dom?
Does a Dom ever have trouble communicating their truth?
If a sub asks a direct question should they expect a direct answer?

put a pea under their mattress.. and ... oh wait that is for a princess.... put a piece of shit under their mattress and .....

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RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 1:59:29 PM

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A true Master wears a special medal that he got from Master's graduate school.

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RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 2:35:02 PM

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I just look for a truly wonderful person. There are experienced Dom, there are sadistic Doms, there are nurturing Doms, there's an endless list but in my mind if there was such a thing as a "true Dom" he would be someone who did not need any rules laid out as to why he is such. The first time i ever felt submissive to a man he was not in anyway a part of the lifestyle, had no experience and did not care to be a part of it. He still inspired my submission like no one ever had before. It was who he was, his presence and i guess his natural alpha personality that drew me to him.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that if you are asking for red flags, things to warn you of abusers then you need only listen to your gut. If it gives you a weird feeling don't ignore it. Ask yourself, if this man was not calling himself a Dominant would i be trying to ignore this weird feeling? If you're asking for signs of someone who will make a good Dom then like everyone has said it depends on the qualities that in your mind make a good Dom. Find someone who inspires your submission, not because of all the fancy tricks they have up their sleeves but because of who they are as a person.

Just my 2 cents

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(in reply to IrishMist)

RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 2:39:28 PM

xoxi

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Stephann:

I've actually never used safewords in any of my relationships either. We never agreed on one although I was confident that if I said the word 'safeword' he would have stopped. However I'm starting to think they're a good idea, even if they are never used, just in case. And a non-verbal safeword seems ten times more important in case someone is gagged, because sometimes people get caught up in the moment and don't realize the other person can't breathe, or got a charley horse in their leg, or feels like their bone is about to pop out of its socket...especially if the other person can't talk. It's hard to distinguish an "I'm in serious pain" whimper from a "holy shit I am injured" whimper.

Also I said that a true Dom/me would respect your safewords. Ultimately it's up to the sub whether or not they feel comfortable using or not using them. Personally I don't use them because I'm not much into scening, or s/m play, or anything else that would separate 'kink' from 'real life' so using a safe word for me during sex would seem as ridiculous as using one in an arguement over whose turn it is to do the dishes. The bottom line is if you have them, a true Dom will respect your right to use them. Even if that means he doesn't play with you because he disagrees with whether or not to use them.

I can see your point that abusers are abusers and not Doms. But lots of times they masquerade as Doms, which is why I consider them "not true Doms" or "fake Doms" - basically someone who does certain actions that a Dom might do but for very different reasons.

Anyway, I'm with you 100% that the biggest issue is consent. If we're simply disagreeing on terminology I can totally live with that.

< Message edited by xoxi -- 9/3/2007 2:44:14 PM >

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RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 2:59:17 PM

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Hello, folks,

**warning - Gorean humor (yes, that *IS* a bit of an oxymoron) ahead!**

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExquisiteFeline
What are the immediate indications that one would be communicating with a true Dom?

His keyboard NEVER disobeys him! NO typos! (Note: "true Dom" aka "KBDom" as in a person who has successfully dominated their keyboard!)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExquisiteFeline
What is the definitive nature of a Dom?

The dominant man next to me says it's all in the beady little eyes. Since HE's the dominant, I'm of course going to go with what HE says!
*smiles into his beady little eyes*

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExquisiteFeline
Does a Dom ever have trouble communicating their truth?

Only if his keyboard loses power! ;-D

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExquisiteFeline
If a sub asks a direct question should they expect a direct answer?

Only if the Dom has not made 'direct answers' a 'hard limit'.

Ok...enough humor...

All of these things you must figure out for yourself, ExquisiteFeline. The first, & most important step is to decide what you believe to be the correct answer to all of this.

"This above all: to thine own self be true."~Shakespeare

~Kimveri

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(in reply to ExquisiteFeline)

RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 2:59:23 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExquisiteFeline
i realize all ppl are different, and each Dom has their own personality but...
What are the immediate indications that one would be communicating with a true Dom?
What is the definitive nature of a Dom?
Does a Dom ever have trouble communicating their truth?
If a sub asks a direct question should they expect a direct answer?

As many have already said it's not an easy task. We are all human with different expectations and standards. If someone is an honorable person they may be an honorable Dominant as well. If your gut is telling you otherwise, trust it.

I think every human being has, at some times, trouble communicating effectively.

If I ask a direct question of my Dominant partner then I expect a direct answer just as I would give him a direct answer to a direct question.

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RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 3:07:37 PM

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My old joke is that you aren't a "true" anything until you've been told by at least five people that you are NOT a "true" one.

Every person you would label as "true" another dozen would label as a useless pathetic asshole. Every person you would label as a useless pathetic asshole has at least a dozen people who adore them.

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RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 3:16:29 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin

I don't know that I buy into your paradigm of a "true master". There are inexperienced masters, and experienced masters, and wannabe masters.

Using a text-based medium, they can all appear alike in many ways, especially when dealing with an intelligent individual.

Certainly a master should answer all questions directly. But any intelligent individual will do that, whether what they say is true or not.

The only real way I know to test the veracity of a master is to make yourself available to him to see how he handles the responsibility in real life. Obviously this comes with considerable risk if you've chosen poorly.

All the other text-based tests are fallible, for an intelligent individual will not be inconsistent, will not overstate himself, will seem perfectly normal. It is not until you are bound up helpless that the truth will be revealed.

As for the stupid ones, they are much easier to detect (assuming you are more intelligent than they are).

BDSM is not for the faint-hearted or the irresponsible.

So this is what not buying into the paradigm of a "true" master looks like?

Because you seem to have given some methods to discover an "untrue" one.

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RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 3:32:40 PM

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We all have the same birthmark....A red capital letter "D" ....It's located on all of our taints.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 9/3/2007 3:33:34 PM >

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RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 3:35:11 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

We all have the same birthmark....A red capital letter "D" ....It's located on all of our taints.

Dont be fooled by the underwear with the big red capital "D" on both cheeks. Its not the same.

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Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

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RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 3:36:06 PM

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What's a taint?

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RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 3:48:56 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25
What's a taint?

The slang term for perineum.

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RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 3:54:45 PM

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To expound just a hair, LA's correct but it means taint pussy and taint ass (it aint=taint).
Right in between is the perineum.

Moving right along now...

< Message edited by SumterDom -- 9/3/2007 3:56:12 PM >

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RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 3:56:06 PM

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Well, f**k me. I never heard that term before.

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RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 4:00:24 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

Well, f**k me. ....

well.. if you insist... I think I can arrange a few tainted fellows to do this for you

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RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 4:16:24 PM

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Were it up to me, I'd simply eliminate the concept of "true Dominant" (as well as "true submissive", "true Master", etc.) from the vocabulary of every single user of this site and all in the community. It's tiresome and misguided. If what a Dominant does with you is acceptable to you both, you are both having your needs fulfilled, and neither of you are being harmed, then that is as "true" as you need be. No outside, "objective" standards needed.

Every time I see a profile or email demanding - and yes, it's most often a demand - that I be a "true Dominant" or somesuch, I just shake my head sadly and head on to the next bit of email.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

RE: How to tell a true Master? - 9/3/2007 4:17:29 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

We all have the same birthmark....A red capital letter "D" ....It's located on all of our taints.

Dont be fooled by the underwear with the big red capital "D" on both cheeks. Its not the same.

So many imposters out here....Subs beware....Of course there is the story of the fake fellow who had a "D" tattooed on his left butt cheek and a "M" tatted on the right one....So when he bent over it spelled 'DOM"...Sorry, couldn't help myself.

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