One of the common recurring threads I see in the Ask a Master section is new dominants asking for general advice about being a "dominant". Unfortunately, these threads often go neglected, unanswered, or when answered, given very ambiguous answers. I image a lot of this comes from the large variety of viewpoints and opinions we have here regarding what exactly a "dominant" is.
It's not my goal to establish or attempt to establish a "One True Way", but I am hoping that myself and other male dominants can share some of the things they have learned via their own personal experiences and individual lifestyles and thus hopefully put something together that is beneficial in helping other people find where they do or do not stand in all of this.
Disclaimer #1 My primary and sole interest in WIITWD is the emotional and psychological experiences of a power based relationship. As such, what I write here is based on those experiences and those relationships. If your into power in the context of a "scene", what I write here might not be all that helpful.
Disclaimer #2 What I write is based solely on my personal experiences and I am going to make some generalizations based on those personal experiences. (I know how much the forums hate generalizations, but this thread is started with the intent of sharing experience). Your mileage may and probably will vary based on your own experiences and demographic of people you associate with.
Disclaimer #3 I am not trying to write this as someone who has Mastered any of what I am going to share. If God exists, then he certainly knows I haven't and I don't want him hurling lightning bolts, all pissed off, because I postured myself like I have.
Okay....so let's get started....
Get a handle on your sex drive. Women are basically a walking collection of fetish objects given to them by nature in order to charm, arouse, and attract the male of the species. The cleavage, ass, hair, skin, and eyes of feminine beauty have a powerful influence over the male and the desire and pursuit of such beauty has a well documented history of causing men to act in stupid, pathetic, and foolish ways.
Understanding the effect that the body of a women has on a man and getting a handle on that drive is incredibly important. Why? Because as a general rule, submissive women who are looking for a male authority figure in their intimate relationships DO NOT respect men who will allow their will to bend, be manipulated, and alter in order to get their dicks wet. If you willing to sell out your pride and dignity in order to chase pussy and "score", then your royally fucked.
Don't be like the other guys. You gotta be a bit more than that if you want to control a woman.
Treat them like human beings for fuck's sake!
They are not a sex toy!
They are not put here on this planet to suck your cock on the first night!
Their sole purpose of existence is not to wash your underwear!
Your do not have a divine right to their submission in the first 5 minutes of talking to them!
Your not special because you painted a "D" with a diamond around it on your shirt and boxers!
You are not the all knowing, all seeing, all powerful walking talking Billy Bad Ass of all women!
You are not your fucking car!
You are not your pair of khakis!
(Oops, sorry. That's supposed to be on the Fight Club thread)
But seriously...forget everything you read about slaves, submissives, and M/S relationships. Reality is that they are not going to do what you want them to do unless they want to do it for you and that fact of consent and autonomy is something you are going to have to deal with and respect.
Be assertive. Not timid or aggressive. Even though respect for their autonomy and right to consent is important, in my experiences, most submissive women are still looking for a guy who will assert control right off the bat and direct and handle how things are gonna go. It's possible to do that without being a rude, controlling asshole and it requires the art of being "assertive" and finding that happy medium between "Kneel, bitch!" and "Uh...excuse me, ma'am....pardon me, miss...could ya please....could ya suck my cock, please?"
"There's a new Chinese restaurant that just opened up. We should eat there. What do you think about that?"
"Well, I have work at 7 and you get out of class at 5 so let's meet for coffee at 6. How does that sound to you?"
Both show control and direction and leadership, but still are respectful of their opinion and consent. You don't have to be rude and overbearing to show how dominant you are.
People talk a lot about the "presence" or "aura" of dominance. Well, I've found that your vocal communication style is the most powerful way to express that dominant part of you and to be perceived as such. Once I got a handle on an assertive style of talking, it had a profound impact on my relations with submissive women.
It's not gonna happen overnight. Your not gonna get it all at once. Your not going to be controlling every part of their life in a week. It takes an investment in time and energy to develop the trust and security needed for them to relinquish control of certain aspects of their life to you.
Figure out what you want. Your wants, your needs, what you like, what you don't like, what you want control over, what you don't want, what's expected of her, what your standards are, what rituals and protocols you like and want, and on and on and on. It takes some time and experience to figure all that out and it changes constantly, but still....understanding who YOU are and what YOUR relationship is gonna entail is important. Having a solid foundation and being able to clearly communicate what being with you will entail and what will be expected makes things go a lot smoother.
Have faith in yourself. I say "faith" and not "confidence", because confidence takes a lifetime to develop. Depending on where you at in your life experience, you may have a lot or not a whole lot at all. In the absence of that, you going to have to do with just faith. If you don't believe that you can guide someone along this journey called "life" and make good decisions for yourself and them, nobody else is going to either.
Transparency isn't a right. It's earned. A lot of dominants, including myself, want transparency from their submissives. The complete honest truth with nothing held back. Some people seem to think this what they are entitled to and I find that to be pretty far from the truth. In my experiences, a lot of people lie and hold back things from their partners because they are afraid of how they are gonna react and not out of malice. Getting the honest truth every time from someone means proving that you can put on your big boy pants and take whatever it is they tell you without flipping your shit.
Communication skills Yeah, once again, communication, communication, communication. As someone who happens to have pretty shitty communication skills at times, I can personally attest that they are really important. You can find a whole host of books on Amazon.com on the subject and I suggest investing some money and doing a little research on just what being a "good communicator" is all about.
Dance to your own beat. Take advice from assholes like me with a little grain of salt. You might find some of this helpful, you might not, but all in all, nobody can tell you how to be "dominant". It's something unique and inside of you and how you express it and go about bringing it out is something only you can really figure out.
I consider domination without the toys to be just as much of an art as with the toys. Submission is just as much something internal as dominance is and the art is being able to create that safe and secure environment for them and being able to bring that part out of a person so they WANT to please you.
And it's a HARD art and you will FUCK IT UP. Sometimes the mistakes will be little and you'll get past them. Sometimes the mistake will be too great, that safety and security will come crashing down, and they won't look at you the same way ever again. If you care as much as I do, then when that does happen, it will SUCK and you will spend a lot of time kicking yourself in the ass. That's how the cards get dealt sometimes.
But even if you agree with me that it's an art, compatibility still plays a large part of it. For every 1 submissive you find that WANTS to please you, you'll find 4 more that don't dance to your beat. So all in all, in the end, you still gotta decide what kind of Man you are, what your character, virtues and vices are, and not apologize for not being someone else or doing it the same way someone else does.
This is just some things that have proved successful for me. I hope they provide some benefit and I look forward to seeing other dominants posting and sharing their own lessons and hard knocks.
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