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Advice for New Dominants - 8/28/2008 7:18:57 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
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Hey folks,

One of the common recurring threads I see in the Ask a Master section is new dominants asking for general advice about being a "dominant". Unfortunately, these threads often go neglected, unanswered, or when answered, given very ambiguous answers. I image a lot of this comes from the large variety of viewpoints and opinions we have here regarding what exactly a "dominant" is.

It's not my goal to establish or attempt to establish a "One True Way", but I am hoping that myself and other male dominants can share some of the things they have learned via their own personal experiences and individual lifestyles and thus hopefully put something together that is beneficial in helping other people find where they do or do not stand in all of this.

Disclaimer #1 My primary and sole interest in WIITWD is the emotional and psychological experiences of a power based relationship. As such, what I write here is based on those experiences and those relationships. If your into power in the context of a "scene", what I write here might not be all that helpful.

Disclaimer #2 What I write is based solely on my personal experiences and I am going to make some generalizations based on those personal experiences. (I know how much the forums hate generalizations, but this thread is started with the intent of sharing experience). Your mileage may and probably will vary based on your own experiences and demographic of people you associate with.

Disclaimer #3 I am not trying to write this as someone who has Mastered any of what I am going to share. If God exists, then he certainly knows I haven't and I don't want him hurling lightning bolts, all pissed off, because I postured myself like I have.

Okay....so let's get started....
 
Get a handle on your sex drive. Women are basically a walking collection of fetish objects given to them by nature in order to charm, arouse, and attract the male of the species. The cleavage, ass, hair, skin, and eyes of feminine beauty have a powerful influence over the male and the desire and pursuit of such beauty has a well documented history of causing men to act in stupid, pathetic, and foolish ways.

Understanding the effect that the body of a women has on a man and getting a handle on that drive is incredibly important. Why? Because as a general rule, submissive women who are looking for a male authority figure in their intimate relationships DO NOT respect men who will allow their will to bend, be manipulated, and alter in order to get their dicks wet. If you willing to sell out your pride and dignity in order to chase pussy and "score", then your royally fucked.

Don't be like the other guys. You gotta be a bit more than that if you want to control a woman.

Treat them like human beings for fuck's sake!
 
They are not a sex toy!
They are not put here on this planet to suck your cock on the first night!
Their sole purpose of existence is not to wash your underwear!
Your do not have a divine right to their submission in the first 5 minutes of talking to them!
Your not special because you painted a "D" with a diamond around it on your shirt and boxers!
You are not the all knowing, all seeing, all powerful walking talking Billy Bad Ass of all women!
You are not your fucking car!
You are not your pair of khakis!
(Oops, sorry. That's supposed to be on the Fight Club thread)
 
But seriously...forget everything you read about slaves, submissives, and M/S relationships. Reality is that they are not going to do what you want them to do unless they want to do it for you and that fact of consent and autonomy is something you are going to have to deal with and respect.

Be assertive. Not timid or aggressive. Even though respect for their autonomy and right to consent is important, in my experiences, most submissive women are still looking for a guy who will assert control right off the bat and direct and handle how things are gonna go. It's possible to do that without being a rude, controlling asshole and it requires the art of being "assertive" and finding that happy medium between "Kneel, bitch!" and "Uh...excuse me, ma'am....pardon me, miss...could ya please....could ya suck my cock, please?"

"There's a new Chinese restaurant that just opened up. We should eat there. What do you think about that?"

"Well, I have work at 7 and you get out of class at 5 so let's meet for coffee at 6. How does that sound to you?"

Both show control and direction and leadership, but still are respectful of their opinion and consent. You don't have to be rude and overbearing to show how dominant you are.

People talk a lot about the "presence" or "aura" of dominance. Well, I've found that your vocal communication style is the most powerful way to express that dominant part of you and to be perceived as such. Once I got a handle on an assertive style of talking, it had a profound impact on my relations with submissive women.

It's not gonna happen overnight. Your not gonna get it all at once. Your not going to be controlling every part of their life in a week. It takes an investment in time and energy to develop the trust and security needed for them to relinquish control of certain aspects of their life to you.

Figure out what you want. Your wants, your needs, what you like, what you don't like, what you want control over, what you don't want, what's expected of her, what your standards are, what rituals and protocols you like and want, and on and on and on. It takes some time and experience to figure all that out and it changes constantly, but still....understanding who YOU are and what YOUR relationship is gonna entail is important. Having a solid foundation and being able to clearly communicate what being with you will entail and what will be expected makes things go a lot smoother.

Have faith in yourself. I say "faith" and not "confidence", because confidence takes a lifetime to develop. Depending on where you at in your life experience, you may have a lot or not a whole lot at all. In the absence of that, you going to have to do with just faith. If you don't believe that you can guide someone along this journey called "life" and make good decisions for yourself and them, nobody else is going to either.

Transparency isn't a right. It's earned. A lot of dominants, including myself, want transparency from their submissives. The complete honest truth with nothing held back. Some people seem to think this what they are entitled to and I find that to be pretty far from the truth. In my experiences, a lot of people lie and hold back things from their partners because they are afraid of how they are gonna react and not out of malice. Getting the honest truth every time from someone means proving that you can put on your big boy pants and take whatever it is they tell you without flipping your shit.

Communication skills Yeah, once again, communication, communication, communication. As someone who happens to have pretty shitty communication skills at times, I can personally attest that they are really important. You can find a whole host of books on Amazon.com on the subject and I suggest investing some money and doing a little research on just what being a "good communicator" is all about.

Dance to your own beat. Take advice from assholes like me with a little grain of salt. You might find some of this helpful, you might not, but all in all, nobody can tell you how to be "dominant". It's something unique and inside of you and how you express it and go about bringing it out is something only you can really figure out.

I consider domination without the toys to be just as much of an art as with the toys. Submission is just as much something internal as dominance is and the art is being able to create that safe and secure environment for them and being able to bring that part out of a person so they WANT to please you.

And it's a HARD art and you will FUCK IT UP. Sometimes the mistakes will be little and you'll get past them. Sometimes the mistake will be too great, that safety and security will come crashing down, and they won't look at you the same way ever again. If you care as much as I do, then when that does happen, it will SUCK and you will spend a lot of time kicking yourself in the ass. That's how the cards get dealt sometimes.

But even if you agree with me that it's an art, compatibility still plays a large part of it. For every 1 submissive you find that WANTS to please you, you'll find 4 more that don't dance to your beat. So all in all, in the end, you still gotta decide what kind of Man you are, what your character, virtues and vices are, and not apologize for not being someone else or doing it the same way someone else does.

This is just some things that have proved successful for me. I hope they provide some benefit and I look forward to seeing other dominants posting and sharing their own lessons and hard knocks.




_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/28/2008 7:27:06 PM   
GreedyTop


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From: Savannah, GA
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wow, MR.... BRILLIANT post!!

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CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/28/2008 7:38:45 PM   
DarkSteven


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What Greedy said.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/28/2008 8:14:51 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Dang, MR!  Fabulous!

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[page 23 girl]



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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/28/2008 8:24:18 PM   
MstrssScarlet


Posts: 633
Joined: 6/3/2005
From: Indianapolis, Indiana
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MadRabbit, I've read some of your other postings and I generally agree with you.  This one is no exception!  Bravo!
Mistress Scarlet

_____________________________

"Say, that hurts a little bit" "And you don't like to be hurt do ya?" "I don't know...kinda fun sometimes if it's done in the right spirit."
Jean Harlow in The Beast of the City

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/28/2008 8:29:10 PM   
califsue


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Agree with the others...Brillant post and thank you for sharing.

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/28/2008 9:59:44 PM   
NuevaVida


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I can only echo the others here.  You should create a link to this and add it to your sig line.  This was really well done, MR, thank you.

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/29/2008 12:09:52 AM   
DomDolf


Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
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There are so many great nuggets of truth and reality here that it is a virtual gold mine. Great job MR, as all the others have said. All of the items should seriously be considered by anyone "just checking things out".

quote:



Dance to your own beat. Take advice from assholes like me with a little grain of salt. You might find some of this helpful, you might not, but all in all, nobody can tell you how to be "dominant". It's something unique and inside of you and how you express it and go about bringing it out is something only you can really figure out.

I consider domination without the toys to be just as much of an art as with the toys. Submission is just as much something internal as dominance is and the art is being able to create that safe and secure environment for them and being able to bring that part out of a person so they WANT to please you.

And it's a HARD art and you will FUCK IT UP. Sometimes the mistakes will be little and you'll get past them. Sometimes the mistake will be too great, that safety and security will come crashing down, and they won't look at you the same way ever again. If you care as much as I do, then when that does happen, it will SUCK and you will spend a lot of time kicking yourself in the ass. That's how the cards get dealt sometimes.

But even if you agree with me that it's an art, compatibility still plays a large part of it. For every 1 submissive you find that WANTS to please you, you'll find 4 more that don't dance to your beat. So all in all, in the end, you still gotta decide what kind of Man you are, what your character, virtues and vices are, and not apologize for not being someone else or doing it the same way someone else does.




In particular I found the highlighted items, probably from epiphanies I've had over the years, very good information that I wish I had when I first started. Honestly, my maturity level back then would have had me doubting some of this. I would have learned the hard lessons anyway. The "great" mistakes were definitely a required experience for me. The hardest lesson I've had to learn is that my pride, I have lots of it, needed to be tempered and not allow me to think that I would not make huge mistakes. Life has taught me that I will make mistakes, thankfully there are a limited number of grandiose mistakes that *I* am likely to fall prone too if not constantly aware of. Those areas will be different for each of us. Something that each of us has to be aware of and work diligently at avoiding falling over the edge of those cliffs unique to each of us.

Self- Self-awareness, self-respect, self-discipline, self-control, self-worth and self-esteem all begin with you. All of these are very important to your life and how others view you. I am going to place emphasis on self-awareness because without this many of the puzzles in your life will be missing pieces that are critical. Without it you will not be able to look at what you have done or not done to influence any given situation and subsequent outcome in a meaningful manner.

Selfish- Selfish may work well in a scene and in some superficial manner, but when a submissive or slave chooses their Master it is with expectations that THEIR needs will be addressed and respected in whatever way the two of you can uniquely and effectively do so, with all aspects considered.

Perfection- We have all made mistakes and will continue to do so. Perfection is a goal that should not ever go away. It cannot and will not be achieved. Do you best in everything you do and expect good to great overall results in those efforts.

Persistence- I am not finding the right words for this but essentially what I want to convey is... So many people give up quickly on important things. Things that important to their growth. They also give up on others when they don't understand them. Be persistent in things you believe in. If you fail to be persistent you will not reach all your tough goals. After a while you will fail to set tough goals. How many people do you *really* respect that have not achieved meaningful goals that tested their resolve? Use your faith, that MR spoke of, and never give up on the tough goals. They bring the most satisfaction and will do wonders in building confidence.

I may write more later.

Dolf

(in reply to NuevaVida)
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/29/2008 1:49:08 AM   
robertolapiedra


Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline
Hello MadRabbit. Great post!

May I add something? : Have fun! BDSM is an anachronism for sinful, blissful kinky ''fun''.

I find that after a while this gets neglected a little to a lot. I am not only talking about sexual fun,
but just plain ordinary (but vital) fun also. RL.
                                 

(in reply to MadRabbit)
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/29/2008 3:41:26 AM   
silkncarol


Posts: 318
Status: offline
What a great post....thank you MadRabbit and others for sharing your thoughts. 

I feel like i've been allowed a peek in the "Dom Handbook" <laugh>


_____________________________

We attract hearts by the qualities we display. We retain them by the qualities we possess.

Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/29/2008 7:27:38 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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I think you lost a lot of readers on the treat them like humans one.  Didn't you know that subs are an entirely separate subspecies with radically different needs, wants, and motivational triggers than the vanilla human population?

On a more serous note, I would've put in boldface right under Figure out what you want...  Figure out what THEY want.  Not that it's very politically correct to care what your sub wants, but hey, it might work for someone.

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/29/2008 7:45:05 AM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

"There's a new Chinese restaurant that just opened up. We should eat there. What do you think about that?"

"Well, I have work at 7 and you get out of class at 5 so let's meet for coffee at 6. How does that sound to you?"

Both show control and direction and leadership, but still are respectful of their opinion and consent. You don't have to be rude and overbearing to show how dominant you are.


I guess it would depend on the female.
Once i get consent and she agrees to be mine. I may ask her what she feels about things but i never seek consent again.

All in all, very good post.


_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/29/2008 7:54:04 AM   
colouredin


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thats a really great post permission to direct all people with future interest to it, I especially like the part about language I gotta agree that its often very under-rated that its where a lot of the Dominant charisma comes from, people often ham it up with obsenity or believe that what they say isnt important and simply to rule with fear which so isnt how it works for me anyways.

_____________________________

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There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/29/2008 5:31:23 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
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Thank you for the compliments and I am glad that all of you enjoyed it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomDolf


Thanks for the very sincere and good advice. I'm a bit sad this thread didn't get more contributions from other dominants, but the "Ask a Master" section seems to be getting more and more vacant.

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
I think you lost a lot of readers on the treat them like humans one.  Didn't you know that subs are an entirely separate subspecies with radically different needs, wants, and motivational triggers than the vanilla human population?


While it might seem like a bit of a "duh" to a level-headed and down to earth guy like yourself, unfortanely, 95% of men who decide they want to Own a woman instantly fall through a rip in time and space and enter an alternate reality and dimension where all their interactions with women de-evolve to a primate level. Some make it out of Wonderland, some don't.

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
On a more serous note, I would've put in boldface right under Figure out what you want...  Figure out what THEY want.  Not that it's very politically correct to care what your sub wants, but hey, it might work for someone.


That's a really good point. Thanks for adding that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys
Once i get consent and she agrees to be mine. I may ask her what she feels about things but i never seek consent again.


I work under similiar guidelines once I have developed some history with a girl and things are a bit more serious, but unfortanely when your still getting to know one another, being aware of some basic boundaries and respecting them is a good idea. You only get to make a first impression once.

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin
permission to direct all people with future interest to it


I won't want it any other way.



_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to DomDolf)
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/29/2008 5:44:28 PM   
Racquelle


Posts: 600
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527  Figure out what you want...  Figure out what THEY want.  Not that it's very politically correct to care what your sub wants, but hey, it might work for someone.
Subs that don't get what they want don't stay.  We sometimes like to talk big about what heartless, cruel, uncaring masters we are, and how our subs just have to do what we want...but in the end, our subs are consenting adults who seek something very specific as well, and if we don't do it for them, then they don't stick around.

This thing we do is playing at turning fantasy into reality.  Very few of us would actually wish to keep a captured, non-consenting slave, and few of us wish to actually brutalize and damage other human beings.  What makes this work is that we know we are all agreeing to take part, and want to play how we play. 

I have often felt that if someone in the BDSM world can't step back and see what they do as at least one part ridiculous spectacle (and be able to laugh a little), they are taking it far too seriously, and robbing themselves of a great deal of enjoyment.

(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/29/2008 5:45:58 PM   
subsong


Posts: 77
Joined: 9/22/2005
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 Damn !!   You ought to teach a required class for all new Doms - and I'd be eagerly waiting to meet the graduates ... 

(in reply to MadRabbit)
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/29/2008 6:03:27 PM   
ViciousCycle


Posts: 8
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Status: offline
When something is well written; most men don't feel the need to bravo and back pat. I feel that far too much is emulated in the characachure of dominance, than the actual self evolution of it. I prefer no toys...minimal pain, and creation of a positive space to feel successful. Finding the depths of pure naked energy is about interplay. Self control and the not being dick guided says a lot. Once the orgasms subside...what is it based upon and where does it linger from that moment? Who are each of you in one another's eyes? Who are you when apart? Those are the quieter issues that I like to explore.  We all evolve and mature...at oleast we should. But then again that's who I am and what my path calls for.

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/29/2008 6:04:01 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Racquelle

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527  Figure out what you want...  Figure out what THEY want.  Not that it's very politically correct to care what your sub wants, but hey, it might work for someone.
Subs that don't get what they want don't stay.  We sometimes like to talk big about what heartless, cruel, uncaring masters we are, and how our subs just have to do what we want...but in the end, our subs are consenting adults who seek something very specific as well, and if we don't do it for them, then they don't stick around.

This thing we do is playing at turning fantasy into reality.  Very few of us would actually wish to keep a captured, non-consenting slave, and few of us wish to actually brutalize and damage other human beings.  What makes this work is that we know we are all agreeing to take part, and want to play how we play. 

I have often felt that if someone in the BDSM world can't step back and see what they do as at least one part ridiculous spectacle (and be able to laugh a little), they are taking it far too seriously, and robbing themselves of a great deal of enjoyment.



Thanks for posting this, because it shows a different way of looking at relationships and a different style.

I can't personally agree with the bolded part, because I find my power based relations to be very much grounded in reality and fueled by very realistic feelings and desires that are fulfilled by both people. There is no fantasy element involved.

But that is just what makes us different and not necessarily right or wrong in how we go about things.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Racquelle)
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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/29/2008 8:56:58 PM   
DomDolf


Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline
I'm not surprised at the lack of involvement from other dominants. I'm sure there are varying reasons. I would like to see more too. I had an email group of over 600 Ds participants and it was pretty much the same, this was nearly ten years ago. Those that are willing to share and feel they have something to contribute will. Those that do not feel they have anything to contribute won't say anything. Sometimes silence on these forums means that someone did a good job. Often when I saw some of these people in person they would say things relating to a topic that I wish they had posted. If I asked why they hadn't they often felt their addition was not important. They were incorrect in my opinion. I am sure plenty of people are getting something positive from this thread.

Dolf

< Message edited by DomDolf -- 8/29/2008 9:21:11 PM >

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RE: Advice for New Dominants - 8/30/2008 7:18:11 AM   
IrishMist


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Nicely done MR; I am sincerely impressed.

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