"BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attraction"

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"BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attractio... - 1/8/2008 9:53:59 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

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Is there are difference? Have you ever been in a BDSM relationship with someone whom you would have never even considered for a 'nilla relationship? Do you look for different things in a 'nilla partner than you do in a BDSM one?

Can someone make themselves more "BDSM attractive" in ways that do not automatically make them more "Vanilla attractive"?

Discuss.

I will put my thoughts in a subsequent post.

Taggard

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 9:59:42 AM

RCdc

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There is no need for a comparrison nor difference just for these two boxes. All relationships are different, it is not limited to BDSM or so called vanilla.

the.dark.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 10:04:04 AM

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Looking back I see no difference in what I was attracted to.

Before M/s I always was attracted to take charge aggressive in nature older people and in M/s the exact same thing.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 10:05:23 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
There is no need for a comparrison nor difference just for these two boxes. All relationships are different, it is not limited to BDSM or so called vanilla.

You may choose not to make distinctions between BDSM and vanilla, but there are those who do...and it is from them that I am looking for input.

What I am trying to explore is the idea that someone can be attractive to someone who enjoys power exchange, but unattractive outside the that area. Can a person's technique or training or something else make them attractive to people who enjoy power exchange in a way s/he is not attractive to those who do not?

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A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 10:09:21 AM

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quote:

Is there are difference?

No; not in my opinion.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 10:12:10 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Is there are difference? Have you ever been in a BDSM relationship with someone whom you would have never even considered for a 'nilla relationship?

Most definitely.

quote:

Do you look for different things in a 'nilla partner than you do in a BDSM one?

Yup

quote:

Can someone make themselves more "BDSM attractive" in ways that do not automatically make them more "Vanilla attractive"?

Yup

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 10:16:58 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Can someone make themselves more "BDSM attractive" in ways that do not automatically make them more "Vanilla attractive"?

I think what makes us attractive to other people is a healthy self-esteem which is expressed through our words and deeds in everyday life. I daresay that any improvement in our self-esteem is going to make us more attractive to BDSMers and vanillas alike.

I don't believe we can separate the catagories because, with a few rare exceptions, we all live in a vanilla world, and must interact almost daily with friends, relatives, co-workers and neighbors who are not into WIITWD. I think most women on this site want a man who she can envision interacting successfully with the "general population", as well as being competent at whatever D/s and BDSM activities that she has in mind.

Edited to add: After reading the OP's second post, i wanted to add that surely one can ignore a partner's incompatibility for a while, if the objective is a short-term play partnership. However, sooner or later, that incompatibility will create tensions in the relationship. The longer the relationship lasts, the larger those differences grow.

< Message edited by AFlyInYourWeb -- 1/8/2008 10:23:53 AM >

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 10:17:14 AM

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I have Ms relationships that have a BDSM component, not "BDSM relationships". That being clarified...

Yes, I've had Ms relationships with people I wouldn't otherwise have a dating relationship with. I know many who work this way, in particular the Ms couples who's sexual orientation are opposites. I know lots of gay male Masters and lesbian or het female slave couples. I'm open to all sexual orienations in my house.

Master Fire

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 10:18:03 AM

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For me, it is tricky because I have such a dominate personality in the vanilla world that any guy I have attracted is afraid to make me angry!!!!!! My last relationship was my first real lifestyle one and I have to say I got more joy and understand and eventually love from it than any vanilla relationship I have ever had.
It seems for me that only Dominant males can handle me ;-) and apparently it takes a real man for that job!

(in reply to Aileen1968)

RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 10:22:21 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

quote:

Can someone make themselves more "BDSM attractive" in ways that do not automatically make them more "Vanilla attractive"?

Yup

Can you provide an example?

In another thread, someone made a comment along the lines of "how easily you can find a BDSM partner is in direct relation to how easily you get non BDSM sex". Is this true?

Taggard

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(in reply to Aileen1968)

RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 10:25:13 AM

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Nope, any one I've been involved with have been attractive to me in one way or another. Yes. I look for compatitability of kinks and compatibility in interests of play parties and munches and lifestyle events. Someone who had no interest in public play, or munches or events, w*ouldn't get past the intital stages while someone who did would.

I've discovered I need some level of kink in my life, not want, need to be happy so a completely non kinky person aka vanilla would not really have a hells chance of me considering them, unless they so impressed me I'd litterally know that not accepting them would ruin my life make me regret it and stuff.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Is there are difference? Have you ever been in a BDSM relationship with someone whom you would have never even considered for a 'nilla relationship? Do you look for different things in a 'nilla partner than you do in a BDSM one?

Can someone make themselves more "BDSM attractive" in ways that do not automatically make them more "Vanilla attractive"?

Discuss.

I will put my thoughts in a subsequent post.

Taggard

< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 1/8/2008 10:30:35 AM >

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 10:56:09 AM

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I've never been in a vanilla relationship, so I can't really answer. I don't think I'll ever be in one. However, if I was, I would still look for a great deal of the same things.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 11:01:17 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Is there are difference? Have you ever been in a BDSM relationship with someone whom you would have never even considered for a 'nilla relationship?

Most definitely.

quote:

Do you look for different things in a 'nilla partner than you do in a BDSM one?

Yup

quote:

Can someone make themselves more "BDSM attractive" in ways that do not automatically make them more "Vanilla attractive"?

Yup

Aileen answered for me!

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 11:03:37 AM

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well it was technically a vanilla relationship cause we were too young to know there was anything else out there ( and no internet yet) but we had nothing in common but the great sex when he could wrestle me down for it. but i would have never actually dated him! LOL

(in reply to LaTigresse)

RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 11:17:35 AM

RCdc

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That isn't what I said and you have not seen the point of my answer - restricting it to BDSM and vanilla - because you could ask the question about anything and still come up with the same answer, which would be of course. Regardless of whether BDSM or not. But being a whizz with a whip doesn't make any difference to the question or whether its a job position or whether a person has brown or red hair. Its all down to personal choice. You only have to see people drooling over a singer or actor to get the answer.

You asked, I answered. It doesn't matter whether I split them or not, answers still the same, regardless of the relationship. Any relationship.

the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 1/8/2008 11:18:58 AM >

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 11:39:55 AM

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Initially, my husband and I used to scene but after we were married we realized that the areas of mutual interests were very small compared to what I wanted and needed after I dealt with some past issues in therapy and was becoming more of the real TammyJo.

However, I, we, take our vows very seriously and sex/kink was never the defining trait for our marriage -- mutual life goals were to be honest and those have not changed. From the beginning we knew we would not be monogamous for example so that was left out of our vows.

For a husband I wanted someone who was a full partner, someone who could value the family unit over himself, and yeah, over me too if need be.

That is not what I want from a slave. From a slave I need to be the first priority. Not the family and not him/her but me. I'll worry about him/her and the family and he/she will follow my led on those issues.

I know a lot of people see the roles of spouse and slave/sub as very close and even get married.

I'm not one of those people. I might marry my slave for legal protections for us both but he would never me a husband in my mind or eyes or heart.

One is not better or better loved or better valued in my heart though legally the husband comes first.

In many ways I actually feel closer to my slave than my husband but I love them both not equally but differently.

I'm sure a lot of folks will read that and think I'm a bitch -- whatever, think as you will, we are a happy and positive family regardless.

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(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 12:04:18 PM

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Ideally, one selects ones partner on the basis of mutual interests - hard to say where the line is: if I have a "vanilla" partner who's into kinky sex, including PE play, where is the line between that and a "lifestyler"? As far as I can see, it's mainly the difference between getting in through the front door or the back, if you'll forgive the double entendre.

I do have an interest in kink, and I expect any long term partner is going to have to share my interests - I've tried compromising and it didn't work out for me, I can work with just about anything but an emotional/psychological straightjacket, it makes me... claustrophobic.

So yeah, I definitely do evaluate potential partners in terms of my needs, which happens to include kink, otherwise I'm going to end up compromising myself - settling for a trunctuated version of my entire being - again.

Been there, done that, not interested in going back.

< Message edited by Amaros -- 1/8/2008 12:09:02 PM >

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 12:24:32 PM

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One of my old problems used to be that I would attract a female dominant, and after a short amount of time she would then want me as her boyfriend without any desire to actually dominate me. If it happened once or twice, it would have been amusing, but at one period in my life it happened CONSTANTLY. So I then started pursuing vanilla relationships with non-bdsm women who then started to gain a desire for bdsm because they discovered it was a part of my life. And then they'd go big time into bdsm and have so much fun with it that they'd leave me behind and start going after anything that moved in the bdsm world. A couple of known pro dommes got their start that way through me and managed to become "friends" with me.

So, not really sure how to offer any information in this thread other than to say I just play it by ear now because I've never been able to figure out how to make things work. I think I'm just along for the ride.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 12:28:40 PM

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I don't do vanilla relationships. No point. I can be physically attracted to a woman, but if she is not a domina, forget it.

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RE: "BDSM Attraction" vs. "Vanilla Attra... - 1/8/2008 12:41:04 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Is there are difference? Have you ever been in a BDSM relationship with someone whom you would have never even considered for a 'nilla relationship? Do you look for different things in a 'nilla partner than you do in a BDSM one?

Can someone make themselves more "BDSM attractive" in ways that do not automatically make them more "Vanilla attractive"?

Discuss.

I will put my thoughts in a subsequent post.

Taggard

My favorite Dom was somewhat what I would look for in vanilla but there are a million things that would have caused a vanilla relationship between us to crash and burn. It was our negotiation and my deferrence to Him that kept our relationship so hot and compatible D/s-wise. Vanilla-wise, He was not my type in that He was too picky for me on daily things. He micro-managed and I'm too laid back for that, however in D/s, this matched up perfectly. I voiced my opinion and He would compromise, but vanilla-wise, He wouldn't have been compromising ENOUGH for me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

In another thread, someone made a comment along the lines of "how easily you can find a BDSM partner is in direct relation to how easily you get non BDSM sex". Is this true?

Taggard

I disagree. I can get a little vanilla sex anytime. I'm much pickier about the personality of my Doms. MUCH MUCH pickier.

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