"i can't go through with it..."

Join Our Community

Collarchat.com

Home Login Search

"i can't go through with it..."

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> "i can't go through with it..."

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

"i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 5:50:52 PM

Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline

I have spent time with subs who have come to the realization who and that they are--then, the fear strikes terror and they cannot follow through with a real life encounter---have you faced this? Did you overcome? Did you retreat?

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 5:56:54 PM

Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline

lol it sounds like me to a large degree, but i'm not sure what degree you're speaking of. we talking "meet me for coffee" or "grab the rope"?

(in reply to LadyHathor)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 6:08:43 PM

Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline

we are talking whatever that first step is to reality.

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.

(in reply to hopelesslyInvo)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 6:13:21 PM

Posts: 231
Joined: 10/22/2005
From: South Dakota
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

I have spent time with subs who have come to the realization who and that they are--then, the fear strikes terror and they cannot follow through with a real life encounter---have you faced this? Did you overcome? Did you retreat?

I have run into this once or twice.. and in the end, it comes down to the sub being honest with themselves. and in the end, one of them refused to become honest with herself and ran off. the other sub, well let's just say... she was a scammer and was playing head games.
to me honesty is the most important aspect of anything, and if one cannot be honest with themselves, there is no way they can be honest with a Dom or Domme.
and yes i did try to help them thru the fear and the abject terror (as it was described to me) that they felt. but again.. it all came down to honesty

(in reply to LadyHathor)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 6:18:41 PM

Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline

well, what can you do, whip them for wasting your time? tempting, but oh well, better luck next time is what i thought. much happier with the way things turned out than i would have been with them.
PM

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!

(in reply to dincubus)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 6:23:31 PM

Posts: 1875
Joined: 9/19/2007
Status: offline

Lady Hathor,

I spent a good deal of time exploring this lifestyle online only, long before I found the courage to go to that next step. For me, that next step was to find a group and attend one of their munches. Unlike some of the other newcomers I have met who started out online, I didn't engage in any sort of relationships online, (other than a Mentor who was instrumental in my learning more about the lifestyle.) So as such I didn't run across the whole...meet me, no i can't, meet me, yes i will kind of thing.

kat

_____________________________

The human mind is like a TV set. When it goes blank, it's a good idea to turn off the sound.
-Anon.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NewcomersOK/

(in reply to LadyHathor)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 6:28:21 PM

Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline

I have faced this, in my earlier days of figuring out what submission meant to me. It usually meant that I was having some sort of feeling that something was a bit 'off' - that the Dom and I were not compatible in some way, even though I was too inexperienced to know exactly what that was. Now, knowing more about myself and what my desires are, I can look back and say that one Dom was too much of a sadist for me; another expected me to move too fast and didn't take my inexperience into consideration; another I found attractive in the physical sense, but we weren't compatible in other ways; another I had a weird feeling about, and liked him, but couldn't dismiss that odd feeling. Turns out he is listed as a switch now, and I think I was picking up on his desire for me to dominate him at some point in time.

It probably came off as fear to those Doms when I backed off, but often times it was more that something felt wrong to me to submit to that person, I just wasn't smart enough at the time to identify it. I see it as part of my journey, I suppose.

(in reply to LadyHathor)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 6:30:02 PM

Posts: 231
Joined: 10/22/2005
From: South Dakota
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PanthersMom

well, what can you do, whip them for wasting your time? tempting, but oh well, better luck next time is what i thought. much happier with the way things turned out than i would have been with them.
PM

very true and i have grown and learned from what i have found out.. i am just much more selective in things. and if things had not turned out the way they did, i would not be the person i am now and i would not be in the relationship i am in now. so all is right with the world.. and BTW PM i like your sig line...

here is mine: "Black Holes are where God divided by zero"

(in reply to PanthersMom)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 6:54:39 PM

Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline

one doesn't need to engage in any actions or relations to exist in or be aware of reality. even coming to terms that they're submissive, or whatever is implied, surely won't mean fear and doubt won't linger when faced with doing "aribtrary" things that are simply expected of them by others, or associated with and pressured, yet not by any means required. and i say arbitrary in the sense than being submissive and whole-heartedly knowing and accepting it doesn't mean you ever have to "submit".

i expect the reality is that some people simply feel "they are not ready", as is the case with myself on related issues. i do not feel like a coward or that i've made a wrong decision simply because i retreat, and when i do something, especially in the event i later feel it was not a good thing, i don't quite feel like i've "overcome" it.

"running off" doesn't mean someone isn't honest with themselves, if they ran away from you perhaps the reason doesn't lie on them alone if at all, and you cannot say the reason is they're only lying to themselves, as they are held with no obligations or stipulations of the sort to stay.

people shouldn't be so quick to judge, or look for "the cure for shyness", or say that a person who has fears and doubts deserves to be looked down on, and certainly not say that these people are not worth your time.

ask me to meet you for coffee, i'll surely "overcome" that fear, yet i'll probably be nervous as hell.
ask me to meet you in the "dungeon", and who knows if i'll accept, but it might only be smart to decline.

think of losing your virginity, and how people "do not feel like they're ready" at the same age, time, or situation. how many "overcome" their fear of it, only to regret it?

i know very little of the given situation, so i cannot give more accurate opinions at this point.

< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 3/4/2008 7:00:57 PM >

(in reply to LadyHathor)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 7:11:51 PM

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

I get it all the time offten, ALL TOO OFTEN, the net is a Fantasy world and reality is something they are not willing to allow themselves of rather they think we are sick and twisted and this is all a game to them.

I wish there was a ID Card we could require them to carry that way they could give us thier ID Number and we could verify that they are in fact legit before wasting our time.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to hopelesslyInvo)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 7:16:19 PM

Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline

"Nothing worth having in life will come easy, but just because it is hard does not mean it is worth having"

it's as if your signature was made for this thread~

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 7:16:44 PM

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

Most doms I have been fine with meeting following though, there is one though I find myself extremely attracted to... but his intensity seems to throw me off terribly , and I do accept that part of the problem has to do with compatibility so even though I feel a strong magnetic pull toward him I can't bring myself to meet with him.especially if there is still the expectation of an ongoing relationship.

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to dincubus)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 7:19:12 PM

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

When I first considered the idea that I might be a slave, I balked. It felt like too much responsibility and too intense of a situation for me. Eventually however, I realized it simply was what it was and there's no denying it.

That's how I tend to be about most things- I'm too self-aware and too stubborn about denying who I am to allow fear to stand in the way.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Maya2001)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 7:32:19 PM

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

No matter how much anxiety I might fabricate in my head, I'm not one to back down. Sure, I've been terrified of the desires rattling around inside my head. I have always looked to my (potential) partners to ground me. If they aren't willing to help me, then they are probably aren't for me anyway.

Meeting people is hard for me, although with practice it has gotten so so so much easier. With the first person I met off the internet...I went to the location early, then called his cellphone because I was so freaking nervous. I stood in the corner (purposely not looking out for him), listening to him talk to me, trying to relax, until he actually found me. Yes, I am a dork. It really really helped me not die of a heart attack during the first meeting.

If someone is dealing with facing their fears or fantasies or a mingling of both, I would recommend baby steps. To me calling someone's cell and talking to them to calm you down before they meet you face to face even if they are in the same building is slightly crazy, but not THAT outlandish of a request.

You are allowed to build up to things. I think people just panic and lose perspective. It doesn't help that people throw around terms like players fakes wannabes not twue trolls etc etc in the face of those who come around a little bit slower than they do.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to LadyHathor)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 7:38:40 PM

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

I used to get really mad about being stood up. I was assuming that the other party had either been leading me on and I'd beem duped or that they weren't "man enough" to suck it up and tell me they changed their minds. But, after many years of observing behavior, especially that of het sub males in the South, I began to understand their fear. It still miffs me because it wastes my time, but I rarely think they stood me up because of some lacking on my part. I now understand that it's not about me at all; they react the way they do in reaction only to themselves.

So, now I see that if they're not ready to accept themselves, they are, in no way, ready for a relationship with me. I cannot force them to be comfortable with who they are any more than I can force them to submit. This is one reason why I'm much more inclined to pursue a man I've met in the scene in public rather than online. If he's out in public, he's got some level of self development completed. he's got to be comfortable with being out, too, since I'm out on a national level. Those two things make the pool of available male s-types pretty small. Add in all the qualities I want and we're talking about a very long search.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to LadyHathor)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 8:17:29 PM

Posts: 40
Joined: 5/14/2005
Status: offline

I've had this happen with a new sub who had never been into BDSM before. Because of some intense discussions, she developed, or merely expressed, an interest in spanking and bondage. She wasn't afraid of being hurt, but often wondered if her wanting to be spanked made her bad. When we met to play for the first time, she was very skittish.

All I did was sit her down and talk to her for a very long time. It was explained that being spanked was not exactly a rare desire, and that if it felt good, what was the harm? I think what finally convinced her to play was her trust in my discretion. She new that no matter what happend, she trusted me to never mention it, or hold it against her. Over time she really enjoyed our time together...until she moved away... Now she's married, and I have NEVER even hinted at our play, though she did say that she missed our playtime together.

(in reply to LadyHathor)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 8:17:42 PM

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

There was fear, but it was always in the form of "Oh no, i'm going to screw this up!"

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 8:21:08 PM

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Sure. It's a waste of my time, and it's annoying, but in the end, if someone isn't ready, there's nothing you can do to make them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

I have spent time with subs who have come to the realization who and that they are--then, the fear strikes terror and they cannot follow through with a real life encounter---have you faced this?

(in reply to LadyHathor)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 8:24:48 PM

Posts: 144
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline

from a submissive view, i have had this happen many times to me. it hurts for a while and the thought of them comes to mind once in a while... but you have to pick up and move on somehow.

i wil never understand why people play with emotions and have to wonder if this hurts Men as much as it does women?

i wish you well...

_____________________________

"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." -Malcolm Forbes

(in reply to LadyHathor)

RE: "i can't go through with it..." - 3/4/2008 8:25:37 PM

Posts: 590
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline

I speak from the depths of not quite three months of experience. It has taken me this time to figure out who and what I am. I "tried on" a few different "identities" before settling on "SAM." I met some Doms online and corresponded, chatted, and talked on the phone. I did meet a couple of them in person. I never stood anyone up, but I did stop relationships from continuing because I realized that I did not fit their perceptions of what their sub should be and do. I did try to end things politely, although in some cases they took it badly.

_____________________________

Bethical
Beat me, strike me, take away my reindeer! I'll never tell! -- Walt Kelly, Pogo Possum
I yam what I yam - Popeye

http://www.myspace.com/bethical_wheels

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> "i can't go through with it..."

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2024

Terms of Service

0.078