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"Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 10:01:01 AM

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Joined: 6/20/2011
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Those words task me, they really do. Now, before I even start, allow me to disclaim: I've been in the lifestyle long enough to know how expensive it can get. As a sub and at most one half of a partnership, I'm willing to pay my fair share and defray associated travel, meeting and event, and play costs. The same goes for gifts, tokens of appreciation, and other odds and ends that would be present in any relationship, really. That's common courtesy.

Anyhow...moving on. By my observation, I've noticed three distinct types online who use that or similar language: scammers, professionals, and lifestylers who may be talking to new (or even veteran) submissives who don't understand associated costs and want it known they won't be bearing the entire financial burden of a D/s relationship or merely want to weed out undesirables.

Scammers are simply enough explained. Those people can go die in a fire. :)

Professionals I have no outstanding ethical issue with, and I have had friends and personal relations with professionals in the past (my first relationship was a pro who trained and kept me as a personal submissive). They provide a service to the community, and that's entirely fine. It's a valid way to phrase pay-to-play I suppose, especially in a more protocol-oriented BDSM context, but why beat around the bush?

The lifestylers who use that phraseology are the ones who task me. I'm sure I'm not the only lifestyler who's made the connection between "tribute" and the prior two groups, and to be honest if I see a profile that mentions tribute I think "scammer/pro" and move on, and I'm sure I've missed more than a few lifestylers for it. Is it truly necessary to list that, to explain something quality submissives already understand, or weed out people who likely aren't even reading profiles in the first place?

RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 11:15:43 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: errantgeek
Is it truly necessary to list that, to explain something quality submissives already understand, or weed out people who likely aren't even reading profiles in the first place?

Before I answer your question, I have one of my own.

These women that you claim are "lifestyle" and mention tribute in their profile....have you asked them why? Given that they're the target audience of this post, why not go to the source?

"Quality submissive"....how does one become such an individual? This also begs the question of what makes a "quality" dominant? Manners and etiquette aside, it has been my experience that many people...regardless of label...enter this "lifestyle" (gosh, I really don't care for that word) thinking there's some sort of rule or guide book that explains the great mystery that is d/s-bdsm-m/s. There isn't.
One of the wonderful things I discovered is that all those lessons in manners, etiquette and social graces I learned as a child/young adult are what's needed to be a productive member of society..."lifestyle" (please, someone give me a different word to use!) or otherwise.

That being said, not everyone had this sort of input, thanks to Emily Post and my very lady-like Granny, which means not everyone knows how to interact with others, be it online or otherwise.

What I'm getting at with all these words (it's like spinning class for my fingers) is yes, for some people it is necessary.

Hope that helped.

< Message edited by BonesFromAsh -- 6/21/2011 11:20:57 AM >

(in reply to errantgeek)

RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 11:43:26 AM

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I'm at a loss on this one. For the life of Me, I can't think of a single lifestyle only (meaning no pro dealings whatsoever) Domme that has "tribute required" on their profile. I'll be interested to watch this thread and see how it turns out.

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 11:52:54 AM

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quote:

For those who truly want to impress me, the perfect form of "tribute" is served warm, rich and in a coffee cup...

This is how I started a recent journal entry on my profile. It was in response to the payment demands and tribute complaints posted by so many on the other side.

I had one man contact me to say I must not be worth much if that's all I was asking for.

People are just funny.

(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 11:53:49 AM

SylvereApLeanan

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I vaguely recall someone here (I don't recall the name) who was a lifestyle domme saying she required a tribute. However, it wasn't a monetary tribute. She had a prospective sub go find her a rock of a very specific size and shape while he was out hiking or camping or something. It was sort of a test to see how serious he was and how well he followed instructions. It also served to make sure she was on his mind the whole time. I thought it was clever.

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(in reply to LadyPact)

RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 12:14:46 PM

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I realize that for the most part, it is men that are dealing with this issue and therefore we are coming from different places. You may wish to understand it, but why? Will understanding serve a purpose? I actually think it is a good thing that those that want money, for whatever reason, say so in their profile. It lets those that wish to have nothing to do with it, steer clear. Those that think there may be reasons for it, can ask the person involved.

I have had to make it clear on my profile I don't want their money... I want them and their time. I don't like being treated as if I am a domina for sale or to be offered anything other than self and time. It happens enough that I wish to make it clear. I also make it clear that we are self supporting because many think because I am disabled, that I want their money.

I don't see a way to answer your question though. You seem to be asking us why someone would explain something that quality submissives already know... other than what quality means to each person... most reading or not, that contact, don't get many things and therefore... I chose to make things clear that matter to me. If it isn't on my profile, it will soon be discussed if we get passed the profile and a couple emails. It saves a lot of time, even when they don't read because I can send them to read, but by then, they are most likely rejected for not reading it. lol I know... some can't win.

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RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 12:19:50 PM

stef

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quote:

ORIGINAL: errantgeek

Those words task me, they really do.

They shouldn't.

When someone goes to the effort to show that they are probably incompatible right from the onset, you should be thankful rather than vexed.

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RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 12:19:50 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

I vaguely recall someone here (I don't recall the name) who was a lifestyle domme saying she required a tribute. However, it wasn't a monetary tribute. She had a prospective sub go find her a rock of a very specific size and shape while he was out hiking or camping or something. It was sort of a test to see how serious he was and how well he followed instructions. It also served to make sure she was on his mind the whole time. I thought it was clever.

LOL... I have a rock fetish and might have said something like that. I don't think I did, but it does sound like me in ways. The rocks people have brought me have said a lot. I just got one that had a heart shape within it. They knew I would love it and it is beside me now... I know how they feel about me! That is a great tribute!

I would like to know who said that as well, but I am not going through all my post to see if it was me! lol

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No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 12:39:31 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
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It was over a year ago. I know that much. Other than that, I got nothin. I tried searching but couldn't find it.

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"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to Lockit)

RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 12:40:20 PM

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Joined: 6/20/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BonesFromAshBefore I answer your question, I have one of my own.

[...]

Hope that helped.

Ah, I should probably clarify some of my points...I was still a teensy bit miffed about an experience this morning and in rant mode a bit more than "wants to actually discuss this point" mode.

What I meant by "quality" is the desire to explore and participate in a D/s relationship, and not just for kinky sex, NSA play, illicit activities, work out personal issues (as a sole purpose) or an income. In my opinion, it's an issue of mindset: D/s as an end in itself rather than a means to other ends. There's nothing inherently wrong in any of those things, and there is a time, place, and people for that. It's poor phrasing, I admit.

For me, tribute has specific financial connotations (pay <X> amount, or purchase <Y> for the Dominant) and implies payment for service rendered. You mentioned coffee, and another poster (SylvereApLeanan) mentioned finding a rock during a camping trip -- personally, I wouldn't remotely consider that a tribute, a task or service maybe or plain common courtesy/friendliness. Others will disagree, and maybe the problem is that my definition of tribute (which I've developed after years of browsing online D/s personals) opposed to task or service is far too narrow.

I actually had a Domina a few months ago who after a lengthy e-mail exchange said tribute was required without elaborating, I called her out on it and she expected...me to pay for dinner if we met. I don't mean to step on any toes here...but, well, no shit. That's pretty much standard operating procedure for a date or meeting; why go out of your way to label it a tribute? It was a preliminary meeting and interview anyway, so there wouldn't even be play. There were other issues and red flags with her and I ended contact for other reasons, but I'm still boggled by the choice of phraseology.

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)

RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 12:58:56 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: errantgeek

Ah, I should probably clarify some of my points...I was still a teensy bit miffed about an experience this morning and in rant mode a bit more than "wants to actually discuss this point" mode.

It's always good to take a step back and focus before coming here and posting a rant. That way you can say what you mean and mean what you say.

quote:

What I meant by "quality" is the desire to explore and participate in a D/s relationship, and not just for kinky sex, NSA play, illicit activities, work out personal issues (as a sole purpose) or an income. In my opinion, it's an issue of mindset: D/s as an end in itself rather than a means to other ends. There's nothing inherently wrong in any of those things, and there is a time, place, and people for that. It's poor phrasing, I admit.

Poor phrasing, but also kind of narrow. Not everyone is wanting to "eplore and participate in a d/s relationship"....it may be your preference, I know it's mine, but it's not the same for everyone.

quote:

For me, tribute has specific financial connotations (pay <X> amount, or purchase <Y> for the Dominant) and implies payment for service rendered. You mentioned coffee, and another poster (SylvereApLeanan) mentioned finding a rock during a camping trip -- personally, I wouldn't remotely consider that a tribute, a task or service maybe or plain common courtesy/friendliness. Others will disagree, and maybe the problem is that my definition of tribute (which I've developed after years of browsing online D/s personals) opposed to task or service is far too narrow.

I think it's because of the online bdsm thingy that the word "tribute" has developed such a negative connotation. I'm also sorry to say that what you might consider "common courtesy" really isn't as common as it could or should be.

quote:

I actually had a Domina a few months ago who after a lengthy e-mail exchange said tribute was required without elaborating, I called her out on it and she expected...me to pay for dinner if we met. I don't mean to step on any toes here...but, well, no shit. That's pretty much standard operating procedure for a date or meeting; why go out of your way to label it a tribute? It was a preliminary meeting and interview anyway, so there wouldn't even be play. There were other issues and red flags with her and I ended contact for other reasons, but I'm still boggled by the choice of phraseology.

Again...SOP isn't the same for everyone. I've met men who refused to pay for a cup of coffee...after all, as the d-type, I should be treating them...or so they say. Everyone has their own way of seeing things...back to that idea of no rule or guide book...and the only answer is communication. You were right to question the woman your mentioned.

Maybe you could start a thread with positive ideas for male subs on topics like this. One that would give them ideas and advice on how to become "quality". That might be more constructive than trying to understand something that really doesn't matter...in the grand scheme of things. Just a thought.

< Message edited by BonesFromAsh -- 6/21/2011 1:05:19 PM >

(in reply to errantgeek)

RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 1:00:39 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: errantgeek

is far too narrow.

I actually had a Domina a few months ago who after a lengthy e-mail exchange said tribute was required without elaborating, I called her out on it and she expected...me to pay for dinner if we met. I don't mean to step on any toes here...but, well, no shit. That's pretty much standard operating procedure for a date or meeting; why go out of your way to label it a tribute? It was a preliminary meeting and interview anyway, so there wouldn't even be play. There were other issues and red flags with her and I ended contact for other reasons, but I'm still boggled by the choice of phraseology.

Really? check around the boards, and enjoy the savage arguments about why women should have to pay their own way!! Price of feminism and all, yanno!

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RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 1:01:27 PM

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I thought a warning up front would be nice.

errantgeek, I wanted you to know I just perved your photos and you have a great butt.

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(in reply to errantgeek)

RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 1:06:08 PM

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Well, I think the problem you have here is that because you are a good person who thinks sharing expenses is normal, I can tell you that most of the so called subs do not think so. I'm not kidding you, I had several guys email me about a fetish, I explained that I have no personal interest to play with them, nor is the fetish one I share but I have a bit of experience in it, so if they have technical questions and safety concerns, I would answer. Guess what happened? Most of them kept on telling me what they want me to do to them, what items of clothing I have to get, which spurs, where to meet them (yeah I'll travel halfway across the country and pay for a hotel room for a fetish that doesn't interest me), I usually got rid of them when I said "Well, since it's all about you and your desires (some told me how I have to show my "enjoyment" as it is important for them - gotta laugh about that one) the tribute for it would be..." Most went into a terrible huff and yup, they disappeared (RESULT)! Telling them I am not interested, just didn't stop them!

I know several women here who traveled to meet somebody and were stood up, repeatedly, so some had the idea to verify that it is a real person is having a nominal amount sent through a webpage where you gotta link a bank account, it wasn't much something like $5, peanuts really, but as far as I understood unless you had bank accounts in different names you could only be signed up once. They expected that some guys had several identities on CM and just played them. You should have heard the uproar from some "subs"...

You know personally about 90% of the subs on CM I wouldn't meet, not even for a coffee, in fact I would go out of my way to not meet them. Look around, the dommes are always at fault, the guys don't need to use their brains, they want their itches scratched and the dommes should bend over backwards to do that, if they don't do it right, they are wrong, if they want to be pushed harder than the domme is comfy with, oh then the dommes are fakes and not real, if they push them too hard, the dommes are irresponsible... To be honest, those guys can go and dominate themselves, why would I waste my time on them when I can meet somebody IRL who hasn't got all those pretensions and is a bit more grounded in reality.

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(in reply to errantgeek)

RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 1:08:08 PM

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"Tribute required"? Nah, just take me out to Hot Topic and let me spend your next few paychecks there and we'll call it good, kthnx..

And yes, coffee. There should definitely be coffee. *nods*

ETA: re: LadyC's post just above me -

< Message edited by SorceressJ -- 6/21/2011 1:09:45 PM >

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RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 1:16:36 PM

poise

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

It was over a year ago. I know that much. Other than that, I got nothin. I tried searching but couldn't find it.

That was posted by the lovely LaTigresse.

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RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 1:21:48 PM

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Her comment is the one, poise. Yet, she doesn't even have the word "tribute" on her profile.

ETA - Yeah, it gave Me an excuse to perv her.

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 6/21/2011 1:22:19 PM >

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to poise)

RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 1:23:30 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
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quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

It was over a year ago. I know that much. Other than that, I got nothin. I tried searching but couldn't find it.

That was posted by the lovely LaTigresse.

Hot damn, you're good!

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to poise)

RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 1:24:20 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

It was over a year ago. I know that much. Other than that, I got nothin. I tried searching but couldn't find it.

That was posted by the lovely LaTigresse.

Oh good! Thank you! I was looking around. Went through many threads and in one post alone I said the word rock 19 times. Half a thread hijack was about me and rocks and gifts of rocks. People ask what I want and half the time I say a rock. You can see maybe why I thought it might be me?

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to poise)

RE: "Tribute required" - 6/21/2011 1:29:41 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

I used to have some rocks you'd love, Lockit. I collected them during a trip through Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, and the Dakotas. A couple of them have fossils in them. If I find them, I'll have to remember to send you one.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to Lockit)

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