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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 8:42:41 PM

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It is interesting that many men here are into the whole "I need to know who else I am up against" which seems a sign of insecurity.

While the women believe that all mature parties don't need to discuss it and to let things grow organically. It is not until a bunch of dates where you both are on the same page do you even discuss exclusivity.

This is not dishonesty, it is dating.

What is dishonest is hiding that you are already involved seriously, married, separated or poly.

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 9:38:32 PM

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"insecure" my Irish ass!

It's called "honesty".

The last time I checked, with-holding any part of the truth is less than honest; period.

I wonder how many would feel the same way about disclosure of STDs, right up front? I mean, why should anyone tell you before you're emotionally invested? It's not dishonest. Right? It's their business? Bullshit on a cracker!

Jeez-oh-petes! What the fuck ever happened to integrity?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 9:48:52 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

It is interesting that many men here are into the whole "I need to know who else I am up against" which seems a sign of insecurity.

While the women believe that all mature parties don't need to discuss it and to let things grow organically. It is not until a bunch of dates where you both are on the same page do you even discuss exclusivity.

This is not dishonesty, it is dating.

What is dishonest is hiding that you are already involved seriously, married, separated or poly.

Yes because god forbid us manly men of the planet manliness have feelings that could possibly get hurt in this. Only the woman are allowed to feel this, and would verbally flay any man who didn't disclose, since it is dating. Men shouldn't be getting emotionally attached to someone, not hurt because the truth was not told to us, because the other didn't tell us what common decency says should be put out there up front. Good to know we are just pieces of meat to be used to your own advantage, until you decide you don't want us around anymore.

Omission of the truth is still a lie. It is nothing more.

_____________________________

Proudly married to the "Diva of Destruction" LadyPact
Though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore - Of Monsters and Men
What is the maximum effective range of an excuse? Zero meters!

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 10:34:48 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

If you really enjoyed the coffee date and agreed to do something like a dinner or an afternoon hike or something, wouldn't you think that things were progressing nicely and possibly "going somewhere"? Wouldn't you like the opportunity to opt out of that "more involved" date, based upon the fact that there are others, looming on the horizon? Even if that isn't your choice, wouldn't you like to have all the information so you can make an informed decision?

When I met Master I assumed he was seeing others right up until he wanted me to be his slave. Even at that point I never asked him. It just grew naturally over time that we both only wanted to see each other. We never once talked about it. I never asked him.He never asked me. We grew organically without having to feel insecure about each other.

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Nothing has changed
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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 10:38:29 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

When I met Master I assumed he was seeing others right up until he wanted me to be his slave. Even at that point I never asked him. It just grew naturally over time that we both only wanted to see each other. We never once talked about it. I never asked him.He never asked me. We grew organically without having to feel insecure about each other.

Congratulations! You rolled the die and they didn't come up "Snake Eyes". Lucky you.

ETA: What's really hilarious is: I didn't say that a potential lady, dating others is a deal-breaker. I just want to know what the situation is, going into it.

I am and have been polyamorous for a long time. I just want to know the "lay of the land" before I decide to build a foundation.

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 1/12/2014 10:44:26 PM >

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 10:47:58 PM

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It's called old fashioned dating. We didn't have sex right away. We took time to go out on dates and get to know one another. That didn't mean I told him absolutely everything about myself on the first, second or even third date. He got little by little at each date, sharing what was needed to be shared at each date. He didn't know if I had stds over a simple cup of coffee. It wasn't like we were in a relationship or there were any emotions at that point involved, except maybe lust. But lust is just that....lust. Lust is not love. Lust is not a serious emotional connection. It's just a physical horniness. That's it. He didn't need to know anything about my daughter either or about who I was sleeping with or meeting for coffee. He didn't need to know my family is a houseful of nut cases. He didn't even need to know I'm a widow. He got what he needed at each respectful time. It's just common sense dating.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/12/2014 10:52:11 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

Congratulations! You rolled the die and they didn't come up "Snake Eyes". Lucky you.

ETA: What's really hilarious is: I didn't say that a potential lady, dating others is a deal-breaker. I just want to know what the situation is, going into it.

I am and have been polyamorous for a long time. I just want to know the "lay of the land" before I decide to build a foundation.

^^^^ This.

_____________________________

Proudly married to the "Diva of Destruction" LadyPact
Though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore - Of Monsters and Men
What is the maximum effective range of an excuse? Zero meters!

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 12:36:09 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MisterP61

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

It is interesting that many men here are into the whole "I need to know who else I am up against" which seems a sign of insecurity.

While the women believe that all mature parties don't need to discuss it and to let things grow organically. It is not until a bunch of dates where you both are on the same page do you even discuss exclusivity.

This is not dishonesty, it is dating.

What is dishonest is hiding that you are already involved seriously, married, separated or poly.

Yes because god forbid us manly men of the planet manliness have feelings that could possibly get hurt in this. Only the woman are allowed to feel this, and would verbally flay any man who didn't disclose, since it is dating. Men shouldn't be getting emotionally attached to someone, not hurt because the truth was not told to us, because the other didn't tell us what common decency says should be put out there up front. Good to know we are just pieces of meat to be used to your own advantage, until you decide you don't want us around anymore.

Omission of the truth is still a lie. It is nothing more.

You are missing my points.

I don't condone lying or dishonesty.

In response to the actual OP, I believe that it is not important on a FIRST DATE to discuss your other prospects.

I never do and if a man tells me he is speaking to 3 other women, I lose interest.

I don't see where a stranger needs to know my business.

You may missed my post where I said after a few dates, when the chemistry is established, then you can share this stuff.

Before that connection is established my only duty is to be a good date.

(in reply to MisterP61)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 12:41:10 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

It's called old fashioned dating. We didn't have sex right away. We took time to go out on dates and get to know one another. That didn't mean I told him absolutely everything about myself on the first, second or even third date. He got little by little at each date, sharing what was needed to be shared at each date. He didn't know if I had stds over a simple cup of coffee. It wasn't like we were in a relationship or there were any emotions at that point involved, except maybe lust. But lust is just that....lust. Lust is not love. Lust is not a serious emotional connection. It's just a physical horniness. That's it. He didn't need to know anything about my daughter either or about who I was sleeping with or meeting for coffee. He didn't need to know my family is a houseful of nut cases. He didn't even need to know I'm a widow. He got what he needed at each respectful time. It's just common sense dating.

This. Why is this such a difficult concept to grasp? Perhaps because you are all discussing meeting from online?

All my relationships, including my marriage were met off line. Maybe that is why getting to know you slowly makes sense to me.

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 4:22:38 AM

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At a first meeting, I would never ask if he was talking with others. I always assume he is. I also wouldn't volunteer information about other men I am talking to.

If he ASKS? I would simply say yes. If he makes a big deal of it, he just made my choice easier. If he smiles or shrugs and lets it go? Ah, then I have a better idea of his confidence level. I'd never lie. But I wouldn't come right out and announce it on a first meet.

Also. I'm the type that if that first meet goes really well I'm pretty much going to stop any ongoing conversations with others while I figure out if this man is a good fit for me. It's just easier to concentrate on one potential partner at a time.

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to sexyred1)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 5:12:35 AM

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hmmm...!!! i love the discussion/debate this little post has started! i really enjoy reading everyone's view points...here's what i'm going to take away, and what i think will work for MYSELF:
1. i will not ask the gentleman if he is entertaining other subs, nor will i disclose that i'm visiting/meeting other men for lunch/coffee...i agree, on a first date it's rather irrelevant and i'm not insecure and don't want to come across that way by asking.
2. if i am directly asked if i am visiting with other men, i will certainly answer truthfully, and i will simply say "yes." and leave it at that.
3. i will not ask the other gentleman i'm interested in getting to know better for a lunch/coffee date. i feel as though i've already been very honest and up front with him, so if there's any interest in meeting in person on his part, he'll take the initiative and ask me. and plus, that fits my "vanilla" personality to a T...i'd never ask a man on a date in the vanilla world, so i won't do it here. :)

thanks so much everybody! it should be a fun/interesting week meeting new friends.

:)

< Message edited by tallandsweet16 -- 1/13/2014 5:30:59 AM >

(in reply to CuddlyParrotGirl)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 5:15:20 AM

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I've enjoyed this discussion/debate quite a bit, also. It's allowed me to identify people for what they really are. It's also helped me to discern, based upon my own understanding of what "honesty" is, those with whom I no longer choose to interact with or pay attention to.

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 6:12:35 AM

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FR: There are different dating styles. Where one person might want to focus on one person, others (I would be one) find that sort of extreme focus so early on in a relationship to be inappropriate. It smacks of insecurity and puts way too much pressure on both parties to 'be the one.'

When a woman says a man 'comes on too strong too early' I believe this is what they're talking about.

Although I am a strong believer in honesty in all phases of the getting to know process, a person doesn't have to answer a question just b/c someone asked it. I've found the phrase 'I'm not comfortable answering that question at this point' to be quite handy.

All of the above is certainly dependent on how long the two have been talking and getting to know one another before they meet.

I like to meet someone pretty quickly, say a week or two. Others might wait a couple months or more. I think it also depends on chemistry. When I met Himself we were so compatible I broke my rule about not dating long distance. And I'm very glad I did.

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 9:57:14 AM

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I am really trying to wrap My head around this double standard thing going on. First I want to say that no matter what it is NOT dating. A very specific reason is apparent when two people from opposite sides of the kneel set up a meeting. There are specific things that each individual wants or needs from this interaction. Seriously, if I don't tell the prospective sub/slave that I am married up front it is OK by your standards, because it is only "dating", right? If I don't tell them they are getting involved in a poly relationship, that's OK too, since it's only "dating". I am sorry, but any relationship that starts with things being withheld from the beginning is not one I want any part of. How can I trust that when this prospect enters My life that she will not try to get between My wife and I? In My eyes, I can't. I would rather know that there are others that are being considered besides Myself upfront, right away. I will agree to disagree, but I also want to point out that the women all seem to agree and the men don't. I will not stop having these discussions with everyone, but this one particular point I am adamant about not agreeing on.

_____________________________

Proudly married to the "Diva of Destruction" LadyPact
Though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore - Of Monsters and Men
What is the maximum effective range of an excuse? Zero meters!

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 9:59:18 AM

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Yes, people should disclose if they are married, the earlier the better, like in their profile. However, the fact that one is casually dating does not need to be disclosed before or during the first meet.

(in reply to MisterP61)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 10:02:08 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Yes, people should disclose if they are married, the earlier the better, like in their profile. However, the fact that one is casually dating does not need to be disclosed before or during the first meet.

Sorry. No. They are both the same thing and either both are OK or neither is. FTR I am for both being disclosed.

_____________________________

Proudly married to the "Diva of Destruction" LadyPact
Though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore - Of Monsters and Men
What is the maximum effective range of an excuse? Zero meters!

(in reply to kalikshama)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 10:11:51 AM

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When I met my man a year ago this month, I was also dating someone who I had just realized had a major drinking problem. After my second date with Guy 2, I told Guy 1 I didn't want to see him anymore.

This is very different than a marriage.

(in reply to MisterP61)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 12:29:48 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tallandsweet16
....
has anyone ever asked a potential Dominant to lunch?....

Although I am on the other side of the fence and am perfectly fine with being assertive and taking a direct approach (instead of dancing around in circles), as a woman I prefer to be pursued. I won't do the pursuing beyond fanning the flames of romance. Just because a man is submissive, this does not mean we have done a role reversal. I still expect him to act like a man, and a man who wants something intensely enough will pursue the object (Subject) of his desires.

Let your wants, needs and desires be made known no matter where you fall on the D/s spectrum.

The somewhat short answer is:
- If you're a man, always do the asking out or put forth suggestions for the lady to consider.
- If you're the woman, clearly define your relationship preferences and boundaries (whether NSA/FWB or poly is an option [as in seeking a play partner], you expect to be dated and want an LTR, whether you'll do coffee or drinks [not advisable for a female sub on an initial meet & greet], or hold a gentleman to the minimum standard of a lunch date meeting.)

I wouldn't make the first move with a Dom--he is, after all, a Dominant male. Not unless you're testing the D/s water temperature.

I would like to add that I lean more towards DaddySatyr's and MisterP61's philosophy on full disclosure, which has nothing to do with egotistical insecurities. Have the Dominant decide what they believe is relevant information or not. I do a good deal of information-gathering before agreeing to meet anyone. As a courtesy, I offer or preface with my own vita when I ask questions of a very private nature. If someone chooses not to discuss something until a later date or point in time, then he (or she) can say so, unless it's a deal-breaker topic of conversation. STDs are a deal breaker. Being married or involved with someone else is a deal breaker. Having bisexual tendencies, even if they've never been acted upon, is a deal breaker with me. Mismatched Hard Limits are deal breakers. There is no further "getting-to-know-you-better-after-we've-met" insofar as these areas are concerned.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 12:33:50 PM

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Casual dating and marriage, are by no means, the same thing. Generally, there is no implied or spoken commitment with casual dating.

(in reply to kalikshama)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 12:37:42 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MisterP61

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Yes, people should disclose if they are married, the earlier the better, like in their profile. However, the fact that one is casually dating does not need to be disclosed before or during the first meet.

Sorry. No. They are both the same thing and either both are OK or neither is. FTR I am for both being disclosed.

So. Question. Because I never thought about just blurting out on a first date " btw, I'm also talking with another gentlemen, and we have plans to meet later in the week"". You don't think that sounds kind of ...snotty? I would ALWAYS divulge the truth if asked, but I thought that just coming right out with it, unprompted.
I really respect the D types who have weighed in here. Wondering if I should change my MO.

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to MisterP61)

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