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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 12:45:41 PM

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I never said you shouldn't disclose you are married. I'm shocked you could make that assumption. We both know being married and poly are a deal breaker for many. It's why this info is in my profile even though I'm not really looking now.

If you want clarity, ask for it, but please don't make assumptions.

The OP was about casual dating though, not being married and poly. And having a different dating style from someone else is not a huge double standard. We don't all have to be exactly alike to still be honest and handle our relationships honorably.

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 12:50:25 PM

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quote:

Have the Dominant decide what they believe is relevant information or not.

He's not my Dominant - he's a guy I'm deciding if I want as a Dom.

quote:

I do a good deal of information-gathering before agreeing to meet anyone.

Ya, me too.

I expect him to be talking to other women and don't need this to be disclosed before or during the first date - but if he's married or living with someone, this should be in his profile or first message.

(in reply to FieryOpal)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 12:50:56 PM

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All this, assuming we're talking a quick coffee date:

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuddlyParrotGirl

Your assumptions about what someone you are meeting for coffee owes you are very disturbing. Normal human beings "withhold" all kinds of things when they first meet someone; and yes, personal medical information is part of that. No one owes you the information that they have an STD--or any other health issue--just because you are meeting for coffee. No one owes you an accounting of their personal lives and who else they are seeing on the first date. Even practically, it is obviously impossible to get to know someone very well based on one coffee date. Even if someone wanted to spill absolutely everything about themselves, there simply isn't time. Getting to know someone is a gradual process that happens over many meetings. Assuming that the person you are meeting should spill ALL information about themselves--or to be psychic enough to know exactly what YOU personally feel they "should" tell you--is crazy.

CRAZY.

P.S. What littlewonder said.

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 12:55:09 PM

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quote:

So. Question. Because I never thought about just blurting out on a first date " btw, I'm also talking with another gentlemen, and we have plans to meet later in the week"". You don't think that sounds kind of ...snotty? I would ALWAYS divulge the truth if asked, but I thought that just coming right out with it, unprompted.
I really respect the D types who have weighed in here. Wondering if I should change my MO.

MP will correct me if I'm wrong, but he doesn't seem to be coming from a dating perspective, like you and I are:

quote:

ORIGINAL: MisterP61

I am really trying to wrap My head around this double standard thing going on. First I want to say that no matter what it is NOT dating. A very specific reason is apparent when two people from opposite sides of the kneel set up a meeting. There are specific things that each individual wants or needs from this interaction. Seriously, if I don't tell the prospective sub/slave that I am married up front it is OK by your standards, because it is only "dating", right? If I don't tell them they are getting involved in a poly relationship, that's OK too, since it's only "dating". I am sorry, but any relationship that starts with things being withheld from the beginning is not one I want any part of. How can I trust that when this prospect enters My life that she will not try to get between My wife and I? In My eyes, I can't. I would rather know that there are others that are being considered besides Myself upfront, right away. I will agree to disagree, but I also want to point out that the women all seem to agree and the men don't. I will not stop having these discussions with everyone, but this one particular point I am adamant about not agreeing on.

(in reply to Blonderfluff)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 1:07:08 PM

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FR

I have to say, I'm with the guys on this one. When I was actively looking on the other side, and messaging multiple people, getting to know them, deciding if I even wanted to meet them, if things started to go beyond "I like climbing, how about you?" I felt dishonest not mentioning that I was talking to others too.

That was usually around the time that I was wanting to meet face to face. Mind you, I was a wee bit timid, so I took my time to get comfortable with the person I was messaging before meeting in public. Perhaps because of that, I felt more of a connection to them, and therefore felt they deserved to know the lay of the land.

Of course, I didn't go into details of the others, or say anything beyond, "btw, you're not the only person I'm talking to." I just felt that if I was willing to migrate the conversation to real life, they deserved to know what the reality was. It made sure we were on the same page.

Plus, if he had any problems with me talking to other guys, for whatever reason, we were soooo not compatible. I don't think I have a single close female friend outside of family.

So, to answer the op, everyone I've met from the other side knew I was talking to others before we met.

(in reply to kalikshama)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 5:47:14 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

MP will correct me if I'm wrong, but he doesn't seem to be coming from a dating perspective, like you and I are:

This is correct. I am not going to be looking for a girlfriend, or a lover, or a confidant. I have LP. She is the woman I will grow old with. I will be looking for a submissive. If she is talking to other Dominants, that is fine. I just think I should know this up front. Anything less to Me is starting the possible dynamic on a shaky foundation. she would know up front and immediately that I am married to LadyPact, and She will not be in control of the girl, but it would still be a relationship where she would have to interact on a person to person level with Her.

_____________________________

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Though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore - Of Monsters and Men
What is the maximum effective range of an excuse? Zero meters!

(in reply to kalikshama)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 8:42:31 PM

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FR
Perhaps context is appropriate:

If someone is already in a committed relationship I think that should be disclosed before any meets with potential partners.

Ditto if you know you are someone who will need/want some version of non-monogamy.

There is a big difference however between being in a committed relationship and casually dating.
And if someone had the expectation of exclusivity based upon a cup of coffee, that would probably be a red flag for me.

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(in reply to MisterP61)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 9:55:24 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tallandsweet16

hi!

i have a question...if you are going to meet a potential Dominant or two for lunch...how up front or honest are you with them both about meeting with the other, if one or the other were to ask if you're considering other Dominants? i know in the beginning, it's just a friendly get-to-know-you type of little lunch or coffee meet up, nothing serious or whatnot.....but how does one handle it? i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, you know?

also, has anyone ever asked a potential Dominant to lunch? for instance...what if your *feel* like there *could* be a connection w/ someone who hasn't asked you to meet up yet....that's new territory for me...just don't want to handle it inappropriately.

thanks for your thoughts/advice!

Please someone show Me where in this post it states anything about casual dating? she is very specifically asking about meeting Dominants. The only thing that this implies is she is looking to start a D/s, M/s or any combination there of, relationship. So yes I would expect her to let Me know there are other D types she is also working with, or getting to know. Shows Me I better have My "A" game ready (yeah, should probably already have that game in the shoot, but there is always room for improvement). I really don't know how this became about casual dating, but then again I am quite literal in what I read, and I try to be in what I type.

_____________________________

Proudly married to the "Diva of Destruction" LadyPact
Though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore - Of Monsters and Men
What is the maximum effective range of an excuse? Zero meters!

(in reply to tallandsweet16)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 9:58:14 PM

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and there is he issue. We don't want you to be on your A game. We want you to be you, the person you are everyday. It's not a competition. This isn't basketball. It's coffee....that's it. Nothing else. It's not a date. It's not anything. It's just to say "ok, we met. I like how you look. You seem nice enough. Maybe you can give me a call and we can go out sometime".

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 10:10:33 PM

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Do you realize how easy that is to say? you are a submissive female. I am a Dominant, married, older, poly male. Do you really think they compare?

ETA It is not as easy for Me as it is for the female submissive. This is the point, so yes I do have to bring My "A" game. It is a matter of reality, not what should, would, could be. Not sure if that makes sense, but it is what it is.

< Message edited by MisterP61 -- 1/13/2014 10:12:38 PM >

_____________________________

Proudly married to the "Diva of Destruction" LadyPact
Though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore - Of Monsters and Men
What is the maximum effective range of an excuse? Zero meters!

(in reply to littlewonder)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 10:20:35 PM

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In general, I don't think you need to divulge a damn thing until after that first coffee meet. Because the odds are you're going to walk away from that meet not wanting to be in a relationship with them. So until you know that you do want to explore having a relationship and that they feel the same, there's no reason to divulge anything. Including your last name, where you live or work and your phone number.

Now, it's sensible to list mono/poly, married or single, std positive status etc in your profile simply because we all know these are hot buttons for many people.
Listing it means you don't waste time meeting people who are obviously incompatible with you.

But if this is important to you, then it is incumbent on you to offer it up and ask about it.

And anybody who said he was pretending to a persona that is not naturally him in order to talk me into a relationship, whether romantic or otherwise, is someone who is lying to me. Eventually you won't be able to keep pretending that you are someone you're not and at that point expect to hear some pretty harsh home truths before being dropped like a hot potato.

Female dominants can get away with more than males can, simply because there are so few of them vs male subs. A male dominant cannot pattern himself on a female and be very successful. Women have more choices and don't have to settle for someone they aren't that compatible with.

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(in reply to MisterP61)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/13/2014 11:10:32 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Female dominants can get away with more than males can, simply because there are so few of them vs male subs. A male dominant cannot pattern himself on a female and be very successful. Women have more choices and don't have to settle for someone they aren't that compatible with.

What you say is true about Dommes, along with unbridled male sub fever which makes them less selective. Oh wait -- This is true of horny males of every variety. I don't think I have a double standard when it comes to Dominants. All single, available women need to be cautious when dealing with men and have our guard up. While you guys are worried about getting your feelings hurt or trampled on, we gals risk getting physically hurt and assaulted, in addition to being played for a fool.

When it comes to dating and the steps leading up to developing a new liaison, M/F relationship dynamics are not the same in any sphere, and the same rules don't apply. Old-fashioned dating protocols were put in place for good reasons. One can choose not to adhere to them, but at one's own risk.

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(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/14/2014 4:03:23 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

In general, I don't think you need to divulge a damn thing until after that first coffee meet. Because the odds are you're going to walk away from that meet not wanting to be in a relationship with them. So until you know that you do want to explore having a relationship and that they feel the same, there's no reason to divulge anything. Including your last name, where you live or work and your phone number.

Now, it's sensible to list mono/poly, married or single, std positive status etc in your profile simply because we all know these are hot buttons for many people.
Listing it means you don't waste time meeting people who are obviously incompatible with you.

But if this is important to you, then it is incumbent on you to offer it up and ask about it.

And anybody who said he was pretending to a persona that is not naturally him in order to talk me into a relationship, whether romantic or otherwise, is someone who is lying to me. Eventually you won't be able to keep pretending that you are someone you're not and at that point expect to hear some pretty harsh home truths before being dropped like a hot potato.

Female dominants can get away with more than males can, simply because there are so few of them vs male subs. A male dominant cannot pattern himself on a female and be very successful. Women have more choices and don't have to settle for someone they aren't that compatible with.

I agree with 99% of what you said. I'm not sure mature women have more choices than men or don't have to settle for someone they aren't that compatible with.

Personalty, I’m not interested in a life companion or a romantic relationship. I make this clear to anyone I go out with. As respects bottoms and sub ladies I only play with women that clearly understand my intentions. I have no problem playing with other men's wives. Most women I have played with are married or in committed but not fulfilling relationships.

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/14/2014 4:17:06 AM

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Hey, I'm not interested in having sex with them. I make it clear on my profile I'm married, have a sub, won't have sex, and am looking for a more service based relationship.

Anyone meeting me knows this upfront, as they should.

Back when I was looking for a male dominant, the upfront factor was that I have a male sub that I have no intention of discarding.

Of course you're upfront about relationship deal breakers.

I think one of the issues we're dealing with here is that some meet online and spend weeks or even months in the getting to know process before they ever meet. So the first time they meet it is more than a coffee date.

If you meet someone within a few days or a couple weeks of meeting online, it's just coffee (or in my case tea). I've made zero commitment beyond, 'I am willing to meet you to see if we have real time rapport.'

I don't engage in any sort of relationship dynamic online beyond friendship. I don't think a potential sub needs to know that yes, I have more than one friend. That is assumed.

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/14/2014 4:44:58 AM

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Expectations often take you to natural, and incorrect, conclusions unless they are shared and understood.

I know what I want. If I'm given reason to expect, I probably will, but cautiously relative to familiarity.

If you want, and they don't, it's only as significant as either of you makes it out to be.

And the hardest part - other people have their own levels of comfort. If you think people "should" do or be something just because you would (or are), then you miss out on who they really are, what they really offer, and most pertinently, you lose out on the chance to discover a new perspective.

Limit yourself as you wish, but know that's what it is - limits that also extend to any other potential partners, and will ultimately play a hand in defining whatever relationship comes from it.

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/14/2014 4:49:14 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MisterP61

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

MP will correct me if I'm wrong, but he doesn't seem to be coming from a dating perspective, like you and I are:

This is correct. I am not going to be looking for a girlfriend, or a lover, or a confidant. I have LP. She is the woman I will grow old with. I will be looking for a submissive. If she is talking to other Dominants, that is fine. I just think I should know this up front. Anything less to Me is starting the possible dynamic on a shaky foundation. she would know up front and immediately that I am married to LadyPact, and She will not be in control of the girl, but it would still be a relationship where she would have to interact on a person to person level with Her.

This is where I think we women who have weighed in, saying we would keep our other conversations with potential partners to ourselves, and those who would want full disclosure, are differing.
I am looking for a relationship that encompasses a D/s dynamic WITHIN a full romantic relationship. In this, I do believe is IS dating in the initial stages for me. I am not seeking merely a Dominant. I am seeking a man that is Dominant, a gentleman, a goofball, a hard worker. I am a woman. I am also a submissive, a creative mind, a hard worker, and at times, a dork. Lol. I am looking for someone to meld my life with, and become a full life partner. It is going to take many more components than just his being Dom, and compatible for me to know that He is a potential life partner. I AM looking for a lover, a confidant and someone to grow old with.

MP, ( forgive me, I did not go through the whole thread to see who else) and others are saying "I am looking for a strictly M/s D/s dynamic" Yes, personality and wants/needs/desires are important in this as well. But for them, it is NOT dating, per se.
Chances are, the women that MrP will be meeting already know this, they have discussed it, and are in enough agreement to meet.
It's a subtle difference, I think, but one that does make our first coffee date have a slightly different meaning.

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/14/2014 4:57:32 AM

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You may if you like date ten men and up to seven women at once. And you don't NEED and PROBABLY SHOULDN'T tell any of them anything about any of the others. Unless drama is missing in your life.

Of course, if you decide to get serious with any of them, that is when you are obliged to let the others down as easy as you can. You made the mess. Don't make everyone else clean it up for you. I mean, you like these people, right?

ETA : Domly attitudes are cute and all, but don't let that affect any important decisions.

< Message edited by FrostedFlake -- 1/14/2014 5:00:19 AM >

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/14/2014 5:11:04 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FrostedFlake

You may if you like date ten men and up to seven women at once. And you don't NEED and PROBABLY SHOULDN'T tell any of them anything about any of the others. Unless drama is missing in your life.

Of course, if you decide to get serious with any of them, that is when you are obliged to let the others down as easy as you can. You made the mess. Don't make everyone else clean it up for you. I mean, you like these people, right?

ETA : Domly attitudes are cute and all, but don't let that affect any important decisions.

This is true. But. I WOULDN'T date more than one gentleman at a time. I WOULD meet several men for coffee before I decide to actually begin dating one of them. Or none of them. I am also assuming they would be doing the same.

Now. When I am having coffee with someone? They have 100% of my attention. I wouldn't want him to bring up any others in conversation. This is about US meeting each other face to face the first time. So, I wouldn't bring up any others I have spoken with.
If anyone actually asks, I think the other should answer briefly, and honestly. I just wouldn't ask. It doesn't matter that early on.

< Message edited by Blonderfluff -- 1/14/2014 5:12:13 AM >

_____________________________

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/14/2014 5:24:56 AM

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I agree 100%[ /color]

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RE: ...how up front are you about this??.. - 1/14/2014 5:37:05 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MisterP61

quote:

ORIGINAL: tallandsweet16

hi!

i have a question...if you are going to meet a potential Dominant or two for lunch...how up front or honest are you with them both about meeting with the other, if one or the other were to ask if you're considering other Dominants? i know in the beginning, it's just a friendly get-to-know-you type of little lunch or coffee meet up, nothing serious or whatnot.....but how does one handle it? i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, you know?

also, has anyone ever asked a potential Dominant to lunch? for instance...what if your *feel* like there *could* be a connection w/ someone who hasn't asked you to meet up yet....that's new territory for me...just don't want to handle it inappropriately.

thanks for your thoughts/advice!

Please someone show Me where in this post it states anything about casual dating? she is very specifically asking about meeting Dominants. The only thing that this implies is she is looking to start a D/s, M/s or any combination there of, relationship. So yes I would expect her to let Me know there are other D types she is also working with, or getting to know. Shows Me I better have My "A" game ready (yeah, should probably already have that game in the shoot, but there is always room for improvement). I really don't know how this became about casual dating, but then again I am quite literal in what I read, and I try to be in what I type.

I am not understanding how meeting a potential dominant is any different than any initial date.
There can be a tremendous difference between online and real time chemistry and until one meets in person you are all strangers to each other.

I understand that you feel you have to bring your A game, but the tricky part of that is do you also have the expectation that she will show her goods (so to speak) as a submissive?

I used to do that.
However, since choosing to be in this relationship with [my] Master I have come to value the 'specialness' of specificity.

So do you want to be with someone who is submissive with anyone or do you want to be with someone that you inspire that in?

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to MisterP61)

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