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Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/18/2014 7:46:48 PM

Me94

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I'm pretty new to the scene, but I've known a really long time that I'm submissive. I can't imagine living another way. But I have concerns. I'm a really strong Christian. My faith comes first. I know submissiveness isn't a sin, but sex before marriage is. Most Doms out there (and my current one) want sex before marriage. Heck, mine doesn't even want marriage or a family. I do, eventually. I'm so torn. Do I just say goodbye to him (who I really care about), or do I turn my back on my faith? There doesn't seem to be a good compromise.

RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/18/2014 8:00:44 PM

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You have to do what's best for you in the end.

It sounds like this guy's needs aren't compatible with yours, and these are some important needs to consider.

(in reply to Me94)

RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/18/2014 8:14:06 PM

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You cannot expect to change him, no matter how much you love him. I can just about guarantee that there are dominant men out there whose desires mesh with yours. The *compromise* is that you make a choice as to what you want to do to be true to yourself. Being submissive doesn't mean giving up your values.

(in reply to RockaRolla)

RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/18/2014 8:15:12 PM

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~FRing it~

Is what he wants honestly meshing with what you want, OP? If yes, by all means carry on. If not, don't sacrifice your faith and your morals for someone else. You have to be able to live in your own skin. Which means MORE to you...your faith or your man?

(in reply to RockaRolla)

RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/18/2014 8:21:49 PM

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I would go with living your faith. People come and go, but your faith travels with you until you die. Besides most often if you take a break, the love of your life will find you, while your not even searching

(in reply to Me94)

RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/18/2014 8:41:44 PM

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Ultimately, we must all choose wisely when it comes to our own sanity. My advice to you would be you must value yourself and find a man who values you as well. If that means cutting someone loose that you care about, so be it. We must all live with the choices we make.

(in reply to slaveoubliette)

RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/18/2014 9:08:44 PM

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Date men of your faith with whom you share traditional values. Explain to them that you want a Head of Household lifestyle. Google that and you'll discover that this is pretty common with Christians.

There's no reason to limit your dating to guys who already have the label dominant. Find someone who is dominant to you, and explain the label to him.

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RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/18/2014 10:44:45 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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Des' advice is good here. If you hold very traditional Christian values, you should have no problem finding someone to share them that wants to be the boss of the household.

But seriously, no, don't compromise your morals and faith for this guy. Over the years this will cause resentment. And I'm sure if you truly believe sex outside marriage is a sin, you're going to continue to feel that way even if you leave the church and you will be miserable. You are young. He is doing you a favour by telling you he does not want the life you want. Walk away.

P.S. Are you both male? Is gay marriage an option where you live and is it accepted by your branch of the church? Because if not, that brings up a whole much bigger round of issues.

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RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/18/2014 10:48:37 PM

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You know it cannot work long term. Why stay?

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/18/2014 11:43:07 PM

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Not to be a jerk or anything, but it does not sound like your partner (Dom) is right for you at all.

Sorry, but I really don't know how else to say it to you.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/19/2014 12:08:31 AM

Hotch

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Same advice as everyone else. Find someone who is compatible with your values. There's no way I could make a relationship work with a Christian, so I can't imagine how you'd resolve these issues with your partner.

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RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/20/2014 4:44:19 AM

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I agree with the others, the two of you are not compatible and in very significant areas of a relationship.

If you turn your back on your faith and your values about sex, can you be content, happy and at peace within yourself without being guilt ridden that will most likely cause you other relationship issues? Can you live without any resentments towards him or towards yourself for going against your faith?

Him not wanting marriage or a family but you do, those are not things a couple can compromise on. Marriage and/or having kids is something IMO both partners should be on the same page with, especially whether or not to have children.

Caring about someone, loving someone isn't enough to make and keep a relationship a good, strong, healthy relationship.

Being that you're a strong Christian, maybe talk to your clergyperson about it.

IHH

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(in reply to Me94)

RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/20/2014 7:24:59 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: InHisHeart
....
Him not wanting marriage or a family but you do, those are not things a couple can compromise on. Marriage and/or having kids is something IMO both partners should be on the same page with, especially whether or not to have children.
....

Why would you be willing to settle for less than what you would settle for in a vanilla relationship? If you're even considering this HUGE of a compromise with a steady partner, I'd hate to see what else you're compromising on or will end up compromising yourself for.

You're only 20, sweetie. At your age, there will be so many people entering your life that you could easily lose count. You might think you're in love with your Dom, but if he doesn't share your values, you are putting yourself in a no-win situation. There are tons of single Christian men seeking a submissive wife. Don't let your lustful, carnal nature rule your life of faith.

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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
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(in reply to InHisHeart)

RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/20/2014 4:10:22 PM

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To the OP, before we answer the concerns we first need to clarify the concern(s) and look at what Jesus actually says in the Gospels, the only books in which he speaks.

1) "Sex before Marriage is a Sin".

I've not read anything in the Gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John that says sex before Marriage is a sin. When I read of Jesus discussing sex, he is discussing lusting after a woman and in the original Greek the Gospel references to "woman" are actually "wife". So, Jesus is discussing lusting after another's wife which fits within the ten Commandments prohibition against adultery.

Jesus focused on adultery and self gratified abuse. Pre-marital sex is not adultery and Dom's do not abuse. Dom's who incorporate BDSM practices are not doing this just for themselves. Otherwise there would be no one to dom. So Dom's don't abuse. Abusers abuse.

2) He is not looking for marriage.

Well, most men don't admit they are looking for a wife, many are letting that happen when it does. It happens after they fall in love and I suggest to you that most men don't admit they are looking for love, many are letting that also happen when it does.

So, if you re-read the Gospels and focus on what Jesus is focused on, adultery with wives and abuse mostly of children, there is nothing un-Christian in being a sexual submissive if that is your desire nor is there anything wrong or in conflict with your desires in this man at this early stage of your relationship.

< Message edited by Arturas -- 6/20/2014 4:16:56 PM >

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RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/20/2014 4:23:04 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

2) He is not looking for marriage.

Well, most men don't admit they are looking for a wife, many are letting that happen when it does. It happens after they fall in love and I suggest to you that most men don't admit they are looking for love, many are letting that also happen when it does.

Are you suggesting that she should not take what he has said to her about not wanting a wife or family seriously? While I grant to you that *some* people go through life "letting the chips fall where they may", IMO, it is a horrible thing to go into a relationship believing that you can change another person's views or that somehow they will change themselves. It is a recipe for heartache.

To the OP...this man has told you point blank that he does not want to be married. While there is a chance that he will change his mind, IMO, your best course of action is to find someone whose values mesh with yours from the outset. Although there is no guarantee that *any* relationship will work out, my best advice to you is not to put yourself behind the 8 ball from the outset. As others have said here, there are many men who might not self-label as "dominant", but who may be quite what you're looking for.

(in reply to Arturas)

RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/20/2014 4:50:31 PM

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quote:

Are you suggesting that she should not take what he has said to her about not wanting a wife or family seriously?

Yes. I really, really did from a man's perspective knowing full well that relationships change desires and a man's desire changes as the relationship grows. Let me tell you a super secret about men. They don't know what they want when it comes to marriage and kids, for certain. One day we will be for it and one day not. But, as the relationship develops our desires solidify and are influenced by our love for her and our caring about her desires. We become one and so do are interests. Or they don't and we split and go our way but nothing ventured nothing gained. So if she cares about him, and she says she does, then I will not advise her to turn her back on him for the reason you focus on.

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RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/20/2014 4:59:11 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

Are you suggesting that she should not take what he has said to her about not wanting a wife or family seriously?

Yes. I really, really did from a man's perspective knowing full well that relationships change desires and a man's desire changes as the relationship grows. Let me tell you a super secret about men. They don't know what they want when it comes to marriage and kids, for certain. One day we will be for it and one day not. But, as the relationship develops our desires solidify and are influenced by our love for her and our caring about her desires. We become one and so do are interests. Or they don't and we split and go our way but nothing ventured nothing gained. So if she cares about him, and she says she does, then I will not advise her to turn her back on him for the reason you focus on.

So, in summary she is good, do not worry, he is good and she cares about him and I suspect is it not one-way so I will bless this relationship and if he abuses her then we will get all excited and pissed an ready to kick his ass and turn her from him, but not before.

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(in reply to Arturas)

RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/20/2014 5:10:30 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

Let me tell you a super secret about men. They don't know what they want when it comes to marriage and kids, for certain.

Can you tell me where that is in the Handbook so I can have it for future reference?

*sarcasm off*

I have spent much time with the new man in my life discussing this very issue. (As it relates to him, not to "all men".) What kind of fool would *I* be if I entered into this relationship thinking that I could change his views on these things, even though he has stated them outright? Which is not to say that they won't ever change...people are certainly entitled to change their minds as circumstances warrant. There are enough unknowns that we have to deal with in relationships. To ignore when someone says that something is a clear "yes" or "no"? IMO, that's just foolishness, and a recipe for disaster.

(in reply to Arturas)

RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/20/2014 6:01:31 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

Let me tell you a super secret about men. They don't know what they want when it comes to marriage and kids, for certain. One day we will be for it and one day not.

You can speak for ALL men?

My former Dom/Husband knew he wanted marriage and kids, he didn't have any questions in his mind or doubts about it. It was one of the first things we talked about and he was never on the fence about it. If he didn't want kids, it would have been a deal-breaker for me. I wouldn't have stayed with someone with the hopes he might change his mind some day and then years down the road find out he meant what he said. If I didn't want kids, it would have been a deal-breaker for him also.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to Arturas)

RE: Conflicted - PLEASE help! - 6/20/2014 6:18:07 PM

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~FRing it~

Frankly I think it's a HUGE mistake to not listen to the person when they tell you flat out they are not interested in marriage or family AND their desire for sex outside of marriage conflicts with one's own moral code. It's an even bigger mistake to piss away your life or sell out your faith in the hopes that MAYBE one day he MIGHT change his mind

(in reply to InHisHeart)

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