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RE: Deal Breakers - 8/8/2006 6:59:00 PM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

Some like lying, half-truths, drugs, and poor personal higene pretty easy to list. There are, however, a couple subtle things, like a undermining my self-confidence, eatting away at me emotionally that i'm not sure i'd immediately see coming, but i certainly hope so. i've worked really hard on my self-image, and i pray i'd be strong and alert enough, but it a worry for me now. A quick example -- just before my separation i landed the absolutely perfect job for me, and i truly love it, my boss and everyone i worked with. i was the exec. secretary for the director of a computer school (long since defunt now). These people were just great, very supportive, but i can remember saying thing like "i'm no good at computers, and i'm terrible at math"..lol. Finally one of the instructors had had enough of me cutting myself down. He asked me who had done such a "number on me", and i admit i was lost for an answer. He pointed out to me that i was the school's sr. secretary, not an each job, and...i did his payroll, so would i please stop saying i was lousy in math. i realized he had a point..lol. When i thought back, i knew that it was my ex who constantly told me those things, and after a number of years i believed him. Now, i pray like hell i'm strong enough i'd not only see that happening, but do something about it too.

Cheers, ya'll..

jimini

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to bigdaninwi)

Post #: 41

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/8/2006 7:01:12 PM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyRed

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I have enjoyed the posts so far and many of them mention things that I consider to be character strengths, but what about the structure of the relationship? Poly/Open/Monogamy, M/s or D/s... Is a particular type of relationship a deal breaker?

Poly or Open would be a dealbreaker for a serious relationship for me. I don't share well.

This goes double for me... I wonder if it's in the redhead gene.

I absolutely do NOT share my man with anyone in a serious fashion. Flirting is one thing, but I will not tolerate poly. I think it goes back to not knowing that I was "sharing" my ex-husband years ago with his co-worker till I caught them. That left a terrible scar on me and it is not even an option in a relationship that I am in now...

_____________________________

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(in reply to SexyRed)

Post #: 42

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/8/2006 7:11:18 PM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

`fast reply to no one in particular~
Poly isn't a deal breaker for me because i am very open about not being poly; therefore, there would be no deal to break. i simply don't go there, period. Deal breakers for me are: men who hate women and use BDSM as an excuse; liars (or as kyra very eloquently put it...a broken trust that is unmendable) and those with many secrets.

< Message edited by angelic -- 8/8/2006 7:27:47 PM >

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

Post #: 43

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/8/2006 7:22:51 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

THAT is why; we are going to have talks about the eggs you serve me when I have breakfast........because I fear you..........

Ron

Fear not the eggs!! Eggs are your friend.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 44

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/8/2006 7:45:12 PM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

Abuse of any kind, not honoring my limits or safewords, deceit, breaking ones word, inconsistency, abandonment, drug use and (alcohol use - consistently to extremes), unreasonable expectations (ie: setting me up to fail), insincerity, any out of control behavior.

Trying to think of some not already posted - with few exceptions i tend to agree with those already posted as well.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 45

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/8/2006 8:10:03 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

I feel the scope of what many have mentioned covers a lot to me as deal breakers..but to repeat what many have said...poly or sharing of any kind ,me or the Dominant...alcoholism...abusiveness of any form...threatening me with loss of collar as a way to keep me in line..and lying to a certain extent...Tempting

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 46

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/8/2006 8:38:44 PM

Dollbecky

Posts: 197
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline

My dealbreakers are Jealously, Lack of self control(drugs, rage etc) Stupidity (being homophobic, racist, cruelty to kids/animals etc)Goreans (no offense inttended its a personal choice) Hip Hop fans and those who cant understand the the fact Im a S/M switch but a D/s Domme...

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 47

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/8/2006 8:57:59 PM

behindmirrors

Posts: 340
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline

My dealbreakers are so much like many said here:
- Dishonesty.
- Addiction (drugs, alcohol...I'm okay with smoking, though, because I'd be a hypocrite otherwise).
- Abuse in any way (verbal, emotional, physical or sexual). [Note, this is different from consentual practices within a BDSM context.]
- Taking pleasure in causing harm to any creature "below you".
- Unable to learn from others and grow as a person/ unwilling to better oneself.
- Extracirricular sexual activity in which I am not made aware of nor give my consent for. (Hehe, I'm another one of those redheads who does not like to share!)
- Does not take care of themselves.
- Uses my past to hurt me in my present.
- Not ambitious in some way.
- Expects me to take complete control.

It's amazing I actually found someone who meets all of those requirements, haha.

(in reply to Dollbecky)

Post #: 48

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/8/2006 10:11:53 PM

skeeter4700

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline

1. Trying to use any toy that needs 220 volts service.

2. Making me listen to rap music.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 49

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/9/2006 4:50:33 PM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

Deal breakers, i thought i had one in poly and needing monogomy. I was wrong with the right Dom and i have Him now i can learn to live with anything except perhaps my exmother in law now that would be a deal breaker lol.

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"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 50

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/10/2006 7:59:24 PM

BuxomGoddess714

Posts: 91
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: So.California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DelRey

when you lift her skirt and "she" isn't, but is sporting wood,,,,,,, that would be a deal breaker....

(Crying Game surprise)

Now THAT would be f'ing hot....

but I'm a serious pervert ;)

(in reply to DelRey)

Post #: 51

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/11/2006 8:16:16 AM

hizgeorgiapeach

Posts: 1672
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I have enjoyed the posts so far and many of them mention things that I consider to be character strengths, but what about the structure of the relationship? Poly/Open/Monogamy, M/s or D/s... Is a particular type of relationship a deal breaker?

All of the apparantly "usual" stuff would be considered deal breakers for me - lying, cheating, a penchant for blatantly illegal activities of the felony inducing sort, abusive behavior. The one that has always been Hugest for me has been those who Knowingly put me into lose lose (catch 22) situations. And ghods help 'em if they put me into a no win and then tell me that I put myself there. The biggie for me these days, though, is Double Standards - he can, I can't; he will, I'm not allowed to.

I don't do ms/ds relationships any more, so any sort of power exchange outside of SM scening is an automatic deal breaker now. I don't do Poly in a Commited Relationship - I don't share. If we are Together, then we are Together - get it out of your system Before asking me to commit. (Must be that Redhead thing rearing again - cause I finally went back to my natural color, and it aint the blond that shows up in my profile photos!) I do allow Open relationships in as much as not bitching about them dating more than just me if I'm dating more than just them - but that one goes back to the "Double Standard" dealbreaker - I won't allow them to be open if they expect me to be monogamous.

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

(in reply to BuxomGoddess714)

Post #: 52

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/11/2006 10:28:28 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

Deal Breakers for me would be physical abuse, alcohol or drug addicting habits, someone who had to have me play with under 18 or anim**ls, or someone who does not keep their word and be honest. I feel to follow someone elses path other than my own I'd have to respect the path they were on and be able to believe them to be truthful, compassionate, firm, structured and fair.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 53

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/11/2006 2:17:30 PM

WhipTheHip

Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline

> Except schizophrenia. Been there, ate the t-shirt, sold the ex for scrap.

I have extreme sympathy for people with schzophrenia. It is a horrible
disease. I managed a low rent hotel on Miami Beach. I often preferred
renting to people with severe mental health problems than many other
types attracted to low rent hotels. I had a guest by the name of Thomas
Powe. He was one of the nicest people I ever met in my entire life. He
was always friendly, in good spirits, congenial, willing to help anyone,
honest, and intelligent. I lived at this hotel, and we became good friends.
He taught me how to play touranment chess and Scrabble. He became
my best friend. We used hang out together all the time. He was
quite a different kind of person than the type my hotel normally attracted.
He had been a Miami-Dade School teacher. After we had been
very good friends for five yeas, I learned he suffered from schizophrenia.
He was the sanest person I have ever met in my life. He was taking
"prolixin" to manage his condition. He was the last person in the
world I ever would have suspected of having some mental illness.
He told me without medication he would quickly become a raving
lunatic with paranoid delusions. And medication would turn him
sane in less than one hour.

I learned that many people with severe mental health issues can
be very sucessfully treated with medication. People who suffer
severe mental health problems, whose thinking is greatly
impaired by their condition should not be held resonsible for
their actions.

Best regards,
Michael

(in reply to Inhibitor)

Post #: 54

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/11/2006 2:25:31 PM

kisshou

Posts: 2425
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

A deal breaker is before begging collar and for me that would be someone who uses illegal drugs or someone with an alcohol problem. Someone with a bad temper who yells and hits in anger.

(in reply to WhipTheHip)

Post #: 55

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/11/2006 2:29:59 PM

WhipTheHip

Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline

Half-truths are a deal breaker? I rarely if ever met a person in my life
who has NEVER told an outright lie at some point in their adult life.
It is an interrogation technique to ask a suspect if they ever lie. If
they say, "No," you let them know, you just trapped them in a lie.

(in reply to WhipTheHip)

Post #: 56

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/11/2006 2:44:05 PM

WhipTheHip

Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline

> Trying to use any toy that needs 220 volts service

I use toys that need 220v service. Mine are safer and less painful
than most 110v toys.

> Making me listen to rap music.

Now that is a hard limit.

(in reply to WhipTheHip)

Post #: 57

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/11/2006 3:39:59 PM

Piece

Posts: 11
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

I have quite a few deal breakers...

- serious criminal record
- alcohol/drug abuse
- incompatible religions
-dishonesty
-true polyamory (playing with others is ok..having another long term partner is not
-true abuse (kind of an abstract term, but I know what it means to me)
-children (If he has kids or wants some in the future, I'm not interested)

In addition, there are five things I will not give up:

1)my family
2)my close friends
3)my job
4)my home
5)my pets

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 58

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/11/2006 6:50:58 PM

BuxomGoddess714

Posts: 91
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: So.California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

Half-truths are a deal breaker? I rarely if ever met a person in my life
who has NEVER told an outright lie at some point in their adult life.
It is an interrogation technique to ask a suspect if they ever lie. If
they say, "No," you let them know, you just trapped them in a lie.

Pretty sad commentary.... YES, Deal Breaker. Of course everyone has lied. When they were a child and to people who do not f'ing matter. Grow up, people. Lies are for the IRS, when you are late for work and when You dont want to have dinner with your mother in law. NOT Your partner. Sick world W/we live in where people think it is OK to lie to your partner. I'd rather be alone then be with a MF Lying piece of shit. If Y/you can't trust Your partner, they have GOT to be kicked to the curb. WOW. That makes me want to go puke. Very disgusting. I dont want to even look at this kids profile, but it looks young. This generation is corrupt and evil.

(in reply to WhipTheHip)

Post #: 59

RE: Deal Breakers - 8/11/2006 7:18:12 PM

Inhibitor

Posts: 73
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

Sentimental story about own experience with schizophrenia goes here.

Best regards,
Michael

If I had wanted to make a broad, sweeping, condescending, and intolerant statement about the illness or mental complications in general, I'd have done exactly that. All I'm sayin' is it's not something I'm willing to deal with in a romantic or otherwise very close relationship. Not everyone with schizophrenia will behave as my ex did, sure, but regardless, I feel that I've had my time with that, and I'm done. It's a judgement of *me* and my needs, not a judgement of the afflicted (or blessed, as it may be ;P).

And the ex was extremely bright. And rather kind most of the time.

Edit: on second thought, this sounds pretty defensive. Eh, I guess the whole experience got under my skin.

< Message edited by Inhibitor -- 8/11/2006 7:22:53 PM >

_____________________________

Omni solum forti Patria est.

(in reply to WhipTheHip)

Post #: 60

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