Kalista07
Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007 Status: offline
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Persephonee and others.... i apologize if my words came across as harsh or judgemental or whatever.... The reality for me is when i say something like this outloud to another person it's because i need help. Not always because i want help, but absolutely what i need. Sadly, i've had those thoughts, feelings, desire what ever You want to call them since i've been here. It's not something i'm proud of.........and yet on the other hand, this is the longest period of my life that i've gone without hating myself, wanting to kill myself, or somehow physically harming myself (cutting, burning, etc.) i greatly detest when someone is accused of attention seeking when they express their struggles with a certain issue.......... The reality for me is four years ago this august i took 29 pills that were designed to slow down my heart... (uhm...okay one was designed to slow it down...my thought was that 29 would stop it).... i layed on the couch and said outloud, "okay god.....here i come." No note......No explanation......No nothing.... Imagine my rage when i woke up still living......So, then i took my big book (of Alcoholics Anonymous) out to the car in the garage and turned it on...... i had no intention of coming back. i was done...gone... It was over....i had given life my best and sadly it had won. Imagine my shock then when i woke up 36 1/2 hours later (by my friend who was looking for me) on the garage floor. i spent 33 days in the hospital. 8 or 9 of those days were in intensive care... i will never forget the look on my dad's face. While that was one of the most horrific things i ever went through, it was also a very VERY big awakening for me. It became very clear to me that i touched so many peoples lives...And i had the next three weeks to spend doing wonderfully fun things like.....oohhh learning how to walk again, etc. Damn...i have no idea what on earth possessed me to post all of this.... bah... The point of my post is that i do understand what it feels like when it truly really seriously feels like everything would be at least a little less sucky if you were dead.... But, as someone who has lived with many many many people believing what happened was somehow some kind of allergic reaction to the pills.............it's really not worth it. Kali
< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 3/17/2009 6:41:06 PM >
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“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.” ~~Sweedish Proverb
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