WinsomeDefiance
Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
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I admit there are a few things I'd like to say to Sophie and will dispense with the "I admits" to do so:
There was a time when I was in an abusive relationship. I can say with all honest sincerity, that if I hadn't left my husband when I did, I would not be alive today. There is no doubt in my mind, that he would have killed me, and perhaps our children as well.
I hope that you find whatever strength you need to do what is best for yourself and your children. I know it isn't easy.
When I left my husband, I left behind my family home that had been my parents, my church, my neighborhood and friends. I had 4 children ages 3 weeks, 7, 9 and 11. My husband had sabotaged my car, so I didn't have a vehicle. He kept a tight reign on our finances, even to the point of checking receipts to make sure I didn't write any checks for over the amount (He didn't want me to have any money on hand.) My husband didn't want me to work, so I had quit my job to be a stay at home mother and wife. To sum it up, I left him with 4 kids, no job, no money, no car. As an aside, the day I left my husband, all four of my children also came down with chicken pox (sighs).
It was terrifying, because my whole life had been centered around pleasing my husband and keeping him happy. It wasn't easy. I don't think I would have found the strength to leave him for myself; but his abuse had escalated so quickly and so badly that to teach me and the children a lesson, he killed our family dog. He beat our little Domino over the head with a mallet, left Domino's dead body under the children's swingset, then took the children out there to show them, telling them "if they didn't straighten up, they were next. " Then he told me he was going to take the kids and leave me, but before he did he was going to bash my head in too. He meant it.
I lived in fear for me and my children's safety for a long time after I left him. Every time someone knocked on the door, or I heard a sound outside I'd panic, afraid it was him. That fear has never really gone away. My heart still stops every time the doorbell rings, and I still feel feel that urge to run away to some place new and safe when I've been living somewhere for too long (what feels like too long). Sadly, that panic won't go away. For example, I've been negotiating the purchase of a home, but because of these fears that I have (yes even 14 years later) I have been procrastinating to the point the house may very well get sold out from under me. I've already turned in my 60 day notice, and I have to find somewhere to live by June 1. If I don't close this deal in time, it is doubtful that I'll be able to find a new home and close on it in time to not be homeless. Rationally, I very badly want my own home, but the need to keep on the move to feel safe is a very strong compulsion to overcome.
I don't normally talk about this. It isn't something that I find easy to discuss. It took me 2 years of counceling to even broach the topic. I loved my husband. He and my children were my entire world, and I had never wanted to be anything more than his wife and mother to my children. No, I don't normally talk about the past, but I hope that you'll stop and think about how you want to live your life and maybe you'll come to the decision that you don't want to continue to be hurt by someone you care about. I would hate for anyone to go through such senseless tragedy.
Perhaps you feel like your situation isn't anywhere near as bad - but you know what, as bad as it did get for me, he never broke any of my bones.
Most domestic abuse escalates. If he's already breaking bones, I can't even imagine what your life will be like when the abuse gets worse.
This is all I will say on the matter, except that I hope the best for you.
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RE: I Admit It I........ - 
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