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RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 6/28/2005 9:42:47 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

GentleLady,

I do wish some of the boys would help out here, but then, the boys on these forums are likely not the boys, for the most part, who do this sort of thing. So they are probably just as puzzled as We are! LOL
But it is a comfort to know that I am in such good company! And I do agree. It is an important first test for Me, and it is not that hard to pass!
Hi-hoe...hi-hoe...it's off to weed I go!
With a shovel and a pick, it's never quick! Hi-hoe...hi-hoe
(Spelling hoe as in the garden tool)

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 6/28/2005 9:45:54 PM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to GentleLady)

RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 6/28/2005 11:08:29 PM

Posts: 12
Joined: 5/4/2005
From: China
Status: offline

Greetings Mistress LadyAngelika

<10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression> is a very good material from which i learned a lot of ideas. i like to read it very much.

Thank You for posting.

getczz

< Message edited by getczz -- 6/28/2005 11:16:15 PM >

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 6/28/2005 11:14:52 PM

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

quote:

But the link to Your excellent post <10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression> doesn't work now. If possible, could You please post the great article again?

Here is a working link to the thread you mention

(in reply to getczz)

RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 6/28/2005 11:18:30 PM

Posts: 12
Joined: 5/4/2005
From: China
Status: offline

onceburned

i find it now. Thank you very much.

getczz

(in reply to onceburned)

RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 6/29/2005 4:34:00 AM

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: getczz

Greetings Mistress LadyAngelika

<10 Steps For Making A Good First Impression> is a very good material from which i learned a lot of ideas. i like to read it very much.

Thank You for posting.

getczz

Thank you getczz. I'm glad you found it helpful.
And for the record, it is simply LadyAngelika.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to getczz)

RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 6/29/2005 10:46:47 PM

Posts: 2895
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

quote:

ORIGINAL: GentleLady

I agree that those kinds of emails can be the hardest to respond to. What I do is to reply back asking for more specific details based on what they have said. For example I would ask what kinds of corporal punishment and how often. Was the punishment a regular thing or only when it was deserved? What did the submissive do to warrant punishment and how did it make him feel? I would also ask how the submissive sees himself submitting when he lives that far away and what he is hoping will happen.

The quality and depth of detail in the answers will tell Me something about how much real time has actually been experienced and what kind of real time interactions have taken place. It also should open up other areas of specific questions. Questions about how he has been trained can be more revealing then questions about what he has been trained to do.

Hope this helps some.
Gentle Lady

Thank you, GentleLady. This is pretty much what I do, tailoring the questions to the original email. So I am glad I am on the right track. But, this is also when I often never receive a reply, or I get something painfully brief and skirting the questions. That is when I begin to feel like I am pulling teeth to get a dialogue going. Sometimes I even don't get a reply, and then I get the same email from the same boy a few weeks later!
So maybe it is a matter of it just being too hard to formulate the thoughts and get them down in an email. I have spoken to boys who tell Me that it is a lot of trouble to email and they would rather get on the telephone and/or an IM chat program. For Me, IM chat is painful and difficult. I used to do it, and it was hard to keep on track and sit and wait for replies. Sometimes for 2 or 3 minutes. I often got the feeling I was one of several chat buddies at the given moment. And I couldn't deal with the amount of time that was sucked up with chatting. Also, it almost always turned into a "what would you do to me if..." type of chat. So I prefer to begin with a good email dialogue and then move to the telephone.
Probably cutting My own throat!
Boys? Any input here?

GoddessDustyGold,

I don't believe you're cutting your own throat by preferring to begin with an e-mail dialog, and then graduating to the telephone. Quite to the contrary, I think any worthy malesub would welcome such an opportunity!

E-mail exchange provides a malesub extra time to study and fully comprehend what the Lady is saying or asking for; and also the time to contemplate an intelligent and articulate response. It alleviates pressure by allowing him to put forth his best effort without shooting from the hip.

When e-mail is selected over e-chat, the malesub has a much better opportunity to make a favorable first impression. Gone are the potential pitfalls of tripping on his own nerves, needing to think quickly on his feet, possible numerous typing errors, possible tech problems such as getting locked-up or booted, becoming distracted from incoming messages from others, etc.

I realize that confidence is a sought-after quality, but most malesubs don't get too many of these opportunities, and may be prone to nervous distraction on e-chat.

If you decide to graduate a malesub to phone chats, he's already had the privilege and opportunity of knowing you fairly well. He should be relaxed and eager to speak on the phone with you by then.

And as GentleLady suggests, if a malesub isn't even willing to communicate initially with you on your terms, it's highly unlikely that he will serve you well down the road anyway.

subfever

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 6/29/2005 10:55:48 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

quote:

If you decide to graduate a malesub to phone chats, he's already had the privilege and opportunity of knowing you fairly well. He should be relaxed and eager to speak on the phone with you by then.

I enjoyed our long conversation, too! *W*
I am so pleased to see you on the boards here, and I know that you will learn even more than you already know, and add much to our conversations and debates.
Welcome, sweetie!

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to subfever)

RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 6/29/2005 11:44:24 PM

Posts: 2895
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

GentleLady,

I do wish some of the boys would help out here, but then, the boys on these forums are likely not the boys, for the most part, who do this sort of thing. So they are probably just as puzzled as We are! LOL
But it is a comfort to know that I am in such good company! And I do agree. It is an important first test for Me, and it is not that hard to pass!
Hi-hoe...hi-hoe...it's off to weed I go!
With a shovel and a pick, it's never quick! Hi-hoe...hi-hoe
(Spelling hoe as in the garden tool)

Hmm... It's a nice thought, but I'm not so sure that all the boys here are innocent of these sorts of things! I must admit that most of my initial e-mails written to Dommes have gone unanswered in the past. I actually left this site here in disgust not all too long ago for this very reason.

I always felt that my e-mails were polite, and reasonably: intelligent, articulate, and expressive. I also consciously avoided coming across as self-centered/serving. Consequently, I often wondered why I didn't even receive at least polite "no thank you" replies in return for my efforts.

However, this has been an interesting thread to follow. Many of the Ladies have expressed valuable food for thought. Akasha brought up something that has made me second-guess my prior methods. It's possible that I've proceeded too cautiously in the past, and in so doing, projected a submissive posture. My lack of direct questions regarding their personal interests may have made me appear as though I wasn't very interested in them as people. This isn't true, of course, but perception often overshadows truth... especially in the often sleazy world of the internet.

I'll never really know for sure, since I foolishly failed to keep copies of any of those e-mails, and my memory is less than photographic. But at least I've now learned to keep copies of future e-mails sent to prospective Dommes! ...

This is a good thread, and I thank all the Ladies for their valuable input! Hopefully I won't need to return to it with examples of future e-mails that didn't work! ...

subfever

< Message edited by subfever -- 6/29/2005 11:46:15 PM >

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 6/30/2005 5:11:51 AM

sudja

Posts: 155
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fulfillherdesire

More times than I can count on two hands, I have written long emails telling all about myself. I have not included a laundry list of kinks. I include a nice non-penis pic when I have the option to attach a pic. I am not hard on the eyes, I have a great career; will be finishing a degree in 2006. I have skills (I used to be in construction). I can cook gourmet. All these things I try to do right, Spend hours writing nice articulate letters that show my intelligence, and still I get no answers. Many times I start a dialogue and it last maybe I or two letters then nothing.

So I will keep on trying. There is one Lady in this thread that I tried to start communication with, to no avail. I will keep trying. Maybe I just need to write longer letters. But...it gets very discouraging and trying. So many pros and fakes so little time......j

Look at the bright side - if they don't have it in them to respond to an effort like that, even with a polity "no thank you," they aren't worthy of your service.

sudja

(in reply to fulfillherdesire)

RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 6/30/2005 6:42:52 AM

Oumae

Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline

Its so nice to see some taking in what they read here and learning from it...just wish more would take the time.

Oumae

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to subfever)

RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 7/1/2005 4:43:35 PM

faithfulsub2cuck

Posts: 5
Joined: 3/23/2005
From: East Tennessee
Status: offline

Mistress`s and subs alike,
I know the emails of people like me are very frustrating and even annoying. I have been there done that and still do that. I am 37 and live in east TN my R/T experience is limited and have never been into the lifestyle 24/7 like most subs and Dommes. I do and have always felt i was submissive but, never understood it til way along in years. I have reached points to where i throw my hands in the air and say "To hell with it" and then find myself searching again in a few days. Its a deep urge to serve to be trained as a womans toy to be at her beck and call and then to do her commands. I do seek this but, have no starting point of reference to rely own, no serious training and no one to teach me the "rules of the road" and usually end up getting run over. I do admit to being old to start learning things like this and also know its hard to teach a dog new tricks so to speak. I do know my heart and desire is there it just needs "help" comming along. I do apologize for my ignorance and know i am...but, the first learning steps come from a Domme accepting the task of training a sub, its sort of like buying your first car, you cant buy a car without good credit, and cant get credit without buying something lol its a catch 21, and if you do find someone willing they want money and thats usuallyy it. Thats not for me but, for some it is and they are ok with that. Now, if i am being trained by a Mistress anything she needs it is my duty to supply her with it. Some people just cant buy the training as i am nin this shape at the moment. I am sorry for any aggravation i have caused in the past,but, sometimes you do get frustrated as a sub, and just start sending emails to anyone who will answer. its a desperate thing you want to much just to please someone and you have an idea who this someone is...til you get to a point where you just dont care if she will train you. I am not standing here saying its ok to do these things, its just desperation makes you do stupid things sometimes :)

bye fornow Ladies and subs

sub frank

(in reply to MissXtacee)

RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 7/1/2005 6:07:52 PM

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

Frank, have you attended any of the munches or events in East Tennessee? These can be a nice way of establishing credit - you get your face known, and develop a reputation for being a decent guy. Perhaps you will meet a partner or perhaps a bit of networking is needed (the old "friend of a friend" deal).

You might be interested in checking out
East Tennessee BDSM

or
East Tennessee Submissive Discussion Group
(although if it is anything like the sub group in my area you might wind up being the only guy)

or
The Smoky Mountain Power Exchange
SMPEX email list

Frank, have you attended any of munches before?

< Message edited by onceburned -- 7/1/2005 6:08:50 PM >

(in reply to faithfulsub2cuck)

RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 7/1/2005 6:46:03 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

faithfulsub2cuck,
There is nothing wrong with being new. And I do know that it is frustrating for a boy who is new to the idea or even practice of being a submissive to a Lady to get that all important experience. I suspect that it is much easier for Us Ladies (I know it was for Me) as I had no lack of boys, experienced and inexperienced, who were more than eager to let Me practice new skills on their bodies.
And I have met loads of boys who are very experienced in the sense that they have participated in many activites and they find them sexually exciting. But they can't give themselves up to a Lady and her whims unless there is something in it for them. They are willing to do many things until they get their rocks off and then they are content to go away until the next time they are horny.
I have not received an email from you, nor would I expect to, as you are many states away. But, I believe, the first priority of a boy is to be honest with himself as to what it is that draws him to this lifestyle in the first place. Is it the kink? Most often it is.
First I would look at your nic. Then I notice that you do list cuckolding as one of your interests. That would turn Me away immediately, because My initial impression is that this is a big priority with you. And I am no longer into cuckolding. Then I also read your profile, and I see that it is all about the kink. What your limits are and how you are inexperienced but want to learn. There is really nothing about why you wish to find a Lady to serve. There is a bit of humor regarding the special skills, and that did make Me smile.
Jasmyn has one of the best tag lines I have ever seen.
"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place."
Are you ready to do that? Are you ready to show complete availability (within normal reason, of course) to a Lady who may decide to take you on? Can you be there when She wants you to be there? Can She call you in the middle of the night because She needs something? How ready are you? Are you ready to learn the mundane day to day life activities that a boy needs to do, and be happy doing them? Washing the car? Running errands? Doing the ironing? Or is it all about what you may get in return? I don't see that willingness in your profile. I do see a wish to learn and get experience. So if your emails are similar to your profile, in that it is all about what you want to learn in the way of kink, and what your limits are, in the way of kink, then it is about the kink. It is not about a relationship. I know it is hard to convey that in a profile and in an email, but you must try.
And have you gone to any local munches or play parties?
I can only tell you that I wish for a boy or boys who are happy in service to Me. And most of them seem to be more into the dynamic of housechores for strap-on time. Or a lot of hard limits regarding CBT or or other kinds of sensual pain. So, on the one hand I get alot of , "whatever the Mistress wants"...on the other hand I get alot of unreasonable expectations and demands (yes, demands) on what the boy wants. It just doesn't work for Me that way.
I wish you much luck, and I am sure you will find your Lady, eventually.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to faithfulsub2cuck)

GoddessDustyGold - 7/1/2005 7:58:40 PM

faithfulsub2cuck

Posts: 5
Joined: 3/23/2005
From: East Tennessee
Status: offline

Goddess Dusty Gold,
I really liked and needed the feedback you have taken the time to write to me. I didnt really understand what was wrong with the name and profile,but, will look into changing it immediately. I would like to say about the name is yes, cuckolding is a big thing with me. My recent bouts with cancer has left me just fine but with several medications...it has also made sex very difficult.... and it serves me fine to do without it. In the instance of Kink,i do suppose alot of the unexplored parts of this lifestyle does excite me by being the unknown and sometimes the unknown is just as exciting as sex could ever be. I am scared at times,scared to death about what all being submissive means.I think to myself, "what am i thinking" :) but, in all my vanilla relationships in the past...i have always put the female needs above my own even when i didnt know what BDSM was or what it was about. I did not mean to sound desperate,but, again deep down i proably am..... i am not getting youhger and i fear time is of the essence. I did not write the intrests as a means of what i need it was more of info thing, Many of the intrests have not even been a part of past submissions to a Mistress, some have. I have never had sex of any kind with any of them. Its all been about her. I guess , and not sure this is right or wrong.... I have to be with a real mistress who will teach and push me into that unknown,until i actually am a sub to a Mistress around the clock or on her schedule not mine...I will never know just what i am inside...does this make sense?? I hope so, it is hard to bring into the open and even harder to find the words to say it. :) All your words are taken to heart Ma`am and I will try and do better in the future. It was really good advice and thats all alot of beginners need :) Thank You !! And thanks To You as well OnceBurned for the links and the advice as well!!

bye all 4 now

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

RE: GoddessDustyGold - 7/2/2005 1:49:28 AM

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: faithfulsub2cuck
I did not mean to sound desperate,but, again deep down i proably am..... i am not getting youhger and i fear time is of the essence.

When I was in my mid-30s I was plagued by a feeling that life was passing me by - that I was missing out of life by not being involved with BDSM. I had a sense that if I didn't get involved right away that I would become middle aged, and thus unattractive as a BDSM virgin.

I'm ten years older now and no longer plagued by those fears. There are plenty of women in their forties who are willing to consider a newbie. Attitude is more important than experience to many dommes.

(in reply to faithfulsub2cuck)

RE: GoddessDustyGold - 7/2/2005 7:41:13 PM

Posts: 72
Joined: 10/28/2004
Status: offline

One of "the boys" here. First, thanks to everyone who has contributed to a very informative and instructive thread. A couple of comments from a "long time interest, real time newbie":

I think AAkasha hit on something with her theory. I think once a dialogue is started a lot of subs go into a sort of submissive pose, trying to answer what is asked without rambling or diverging into other areas that were not asked. I would imagine it is very rarely a lack of interest in having a further conversation with a domme. I think providing some questions to stimulate further explanation or elaboration is a very good way to go, I'm puzzled and sorry that some of you have not gotten further responses when you've done this.

Second, I'd like to agree that e-mail is a good way to start out. Personally I think I communicate best in written form, online chat and IMing usually drives me a bit crazy as well, for the same reasons as pointed out earlier. And even though a sub does well in some written or IM or chat communications I imagine most will still be a bit nervous when that first phone conversation occurs. Will she like my voice? Will she have an accent that will make it difficult for me to understand her? Will I say "um" too many times and lose her interest? ....

Also, I think most subs, well, many, list or post their interests less out of a "i can't WAIT until you do this to me" way than as information and a way of establishing common ground or lack thereof. For instance, GoddessDustyGold was immediately less interested when she read "cuckolding" in Frank's profile so this would have potentially saved them both some time if they had first encountered each other by browsing profiles or via a direct e-mail from him.

I have also learned some things in my profile that were poor, uneducated choices and now I know about them and why they seemed like a good idea but perhaps weren't. So thank you all for that, I'll go make adjustments.

Finally, Frank, I'd like to say "Hang in there". I'm also late into entering into this, later than you, and have had many of the same worries and fears. I've been lucky - more lucky than I knew before reading this thread - in that I've found someone to play with me occasionally and mentor me, and it has been wonderful, that feeling of getting to serve someone who appreciates and make them happy, plus that feeling of *belonging* to someone, even if only for a while. We met outside of Collarme, then did some e-mails, progressed to a munch or two and then phone calls, and then some dates and meetings at BDSM events. She is poly and very busy so I don't get to see her as often as I/we might like but the time in between gives me some time for reflection, examination, and more growth than I was expecting when I went into this. Anyway, take the advice above, get into the local community and start knowing others and becoming known, best of luck, and I hope it works out as well for you as it has been working for me.

(in reply to onceburned)

RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 7/2/2005 8:24:48 PM

faithfulsub2cuck

Posts: 5
Joined: 3/23/2005
From: East Tennessee
Status: offline

SWPUNO,
Thank you for the post, it makes sense to me (your words) I have placed alot of Intests in profile emails etc as information. I admit they are in some cases exciting to me,but, i when writing them had no intention of release or sexual gratification in them or in serving. I knew my pleasure would derive from hers...and her allowance of my physical pleasure is up to her. If you list a limit...are you not saying I am intrested in everything else??? I was trying to be informational, but, doing it a "my needs" ind of way. I have recieved help and suggestions here that will greatly help improve my communication skills to better relay my service orientated intrests. I have done many of the things that most subs and Dommes have tried or made a daily occurance in thier relationship,but, was telling people these things to let them know I am willing to learn or at least try them before making a limit up front. I do have to say...the people i have met and talked with here at collarchat... are absolutely wonderful, they have been helpful and downright nice to me about it. Thank you all very much. I have been afraid to come to the chat or to the posts, for fear i would look stupid lol seems to happen alot these days :) But, have actually learned alot in just the 2 days since my 1st post :) Thanks again !!

frank

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 7/3/2005 6:55:52 PM

Posts: 474
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

OK, I am new here and I have my profile filled out and have been as honest as I can be. I am an admitted switch that leans towards being Dom, and I feel great about being upfront about this. However, I will still approach a Master or Mistress because I feel that I can still learn more. I have stated this in emails to Doms before and in profiles at other sites. I do get a lot of replies. I learn best by doing and experiencing things both to others and by doing those action unto others. With each woman that is my sub I gain more experience. A woman may be my sub but that means I commit to her not just on a physical level but on a psychological level as well. I will fix my sub good meals, give them massages, and promote their healthy state of mind. In short I will love them, I am a romantic dom.

I keep my emails very short and honest when contacting a Dom. If they respond I give more detailed answers to their questions and open up more about myself. But also keep in mind, I am shy to a certain degree, anyone that has met me may attest to this. I have also been in the security field a long time where I share little details about myself, and hence I am always suspicious about people I have never met face to face. In the end I really believe a Master/Dom or Mistress/Domme has the right to expect a little more information upon an initial contact, and a right to still more in responses. I think this is mainly because we started out knowing nothing, and we learned sometimes through good and bad experiences everything that we know.

Be honest and more detailed when you contact a Dom or Domme. Shine above the rest who email us. I have been here less than a week and have gotten only "I'm a sub wanna play?" a few times in my emails. I send back a need more info comment.

Now I feel as I should shut my mouth because sooner or later my foot will land there. Thank you for your time Mistresses, I appreciate being allowed to reply here.

(in reply to GentleLady)

RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 7/8/2005 7:00:57 AM

Posts: 44
Joined: 12/11/2004
Status: offline

kissmike,
i like your post...........how well i know how tiresome it is writing to brick walls. The worst is the ones who ask for photos and all and you get no response. You see that they got the e-mail and you wait for a response to it and nothing. It is probbaly just a guy whacking off on the other end. If Collarme was smart they would start policing that kind of stuff. My alt subscription just ran out and I did not renew because i ran itno the same problems there. Collarme is free obviously but i still wonder how much is fake. So far out of about 35 people i have e-mailed, only 5 have responded and almost all of them were subs i was just chatting with as friends. i would like to say thank you to those Domme, Dom or otherwise who at least have the common curtesy to reply.
kimmy

(in reply to kissmike)

RE: Wondering why your e-mails are not getting responde... - 7/8/2005 7:10:19 AM

Posts: 44
Joined: 12/11/2004
Status: offline

Toria,
It would seem to me that being on a board like Collarme would indicate that you are 'looking'. Sure there are those that say they are not anylong and thats fine. The problem with what you are saying is that what is 'interesting and worth answering' is obviously your opinion and not others. Maybe they thought they were writing something worthwhile and inetersting. It just didn't meet your criteria. IN the end, why not just try being a curtious human being and sending a quick 'sorry not interested' e-mail back. Surely even the laziest of people could do that much.
kimmy

(in reply to MissToria)

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