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Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 12:20:59 PM

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Are you not considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community?What makes you a part of the community -- attending munches and play parties? If you never attend any of these things, are you still a member of the BDSM community?

Do people ever mix their communities? If you have a close set of friends that are from a hobby group of some sort, do you tell them about your bdsm community friends and vice versa?

If you had a wedding, could all your friends from all communities attend together, or do you keep them separate?

Is the BDSM community your main circle of friends and support? What about online community? How many communities do you consider yourself a part of, and how accepting are they?

Akasha

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 12:26:04 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Are you not considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community?

No.

quote:

What makes you a part of the community -- attending munches and play parties? If you never attend any of these things, are you still a member of the BDSM community?

I'd say regular attendance at bdsm specific related events.

I'd say if you don't go to anything or go very rarely, it's up to you how you define yourself and whether you are in the community or not.

quote:

Do people ever mix their communities? If you have a close set of friends that are from a hobby group of some sort, do you tell them about your bdsm community friends and vice versa?

I do, and I know others who do, but for the most part it's kept very separate, I even know people who gave themselves two weddings because they couldn't feel free to mix the groups.

quote:

If you had a wedding, could all your friends from all communities attend together, or do you keep them separate?

Ha, I wrote that part before I read this part. For me, I have them all together.

quote:

Is the BDSM community your main circle of friends and support?

No.

quote:

What about online community?

No, it's my main source of debate and discussion.

quote:

How many communities do you consider yourself a part of, and how accepting are they?

Akasha

To varying degrees, about 20 I'd say.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 5/18/2007 12:44:29 PM >

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 12:35:32 PM

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Nope, I'm not a lifestyler, and haven't been to the local BDSM group in over a year. I'm part of a community, but not that community.

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 12:36:30 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Are you not considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community?

I imagine for some this is true.

My first submissive introduced me to almost every community in southern California circa 2000. With a few exceptions, I found myself getting very bored at most munches and many of the play parties (when I was not playing with my submissive) because many of the people...

a) Had very little to talk about outside of the lifestyle.

b) Had houses I would worry about sticking to things in. I am not anal retentive, but to have a party and leave out two day old pizza boxes and empty beer bottles with dust on the piano just seemed odd to me.

The major exception to the munches I went to in the South Bay, Inland Empire, Burbank, Orange County, and San Diego was the one held for the Lair DeSade at the Sportsman's Lodge up in North Hollywood. Classy event. Interesting people to talk to. Was fun.

quote:

What makes you a part of the community -- attending munches and play parties? If you never attend any of these things, are you still a member of the BDSM community?

I think Chevy Chase said it best when responding to Ted Knight's question about how he measures himself with other golfers:

"By height."

I dont care what criteria people use to define their membership in the BDSM community as long as they dont inflict their preconceptions on me.

quote:

Do people ever mix their communities? If you have a close set of friends that are from a hobby group of some sort, do you tell them about your bdsm community friends and vice versa?

I found that I did not make all that many close friends in the community. I wanted to talk about chaos theory, travel, or philosophy and they generally wanted to talk about what kind of flogger to use. On the other hand, I was only actively doing this for a year or so.

Hope this helps,

Sinergy

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 12:37:31 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Faramir

Nope, I'm not a lifestyler, and haven't been to the local BDSM group in over a year. I'm part of a community, but not that community.

What communities are you a part of? Are their dynamics different than the bdsm community?
Is collarme a community?

Akasha

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 12:38:11 PM

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quote:

Are you not considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community?What makes you a part of the community -- attending munches and play parties? If you never attend any of these things, are you still a member of the BDSM community?

I attend events and for me, that doesn't make me any more part of the community than if I didn't. I do not consider myself a lifestyler simply that BDSM is part of what and who I already am. The community is so splintered, I do not see there being a specific BDSM community, so I just see people who attend events and who I may and may not deal or converse with.

quote:

Do people ever mix their communities? If you have a close set of friends that are from a hobby group of some sort, do you tell them about your bdsm community friends and vice versa?

Yes. Yes and I would and do, if the moment arose. I do not hide who I am and what I do, but I don't walk into an area and anounce, 'I participate in BDSM activities' anymore than I would immediately walk in and say 'I am synasthesic' - it just is brought up as it is appropriate.

quote:

If you had a wedding, could all your friends from all communities attend together, or do you keep them separate?

Attend together. I prefere to not have those who are not tolerant of others in my circle of friends, so if they cannot exist together at the same event/time if they were supporting my wedding should we have one, then they really aren;t what I would call friends.

quote:

Is the BDSM community your main circle of friends and support? What about online community? How many communities do you consider yourself a part of, and how accepting are they?

No the BDSM community isn't my main circle of friends, but there are people in my main circle of friends who participate in BDSM activities and the 'community'. Online, I also have friends who do and do not. I do not necessarily consider myself part of any community other than those who are my friends. I have hobbies, I have things I do - but it's all just part of who I am - not what a specific thing is.

I do not belong to anything or anyone other than Darcy.

Peace and Rapture

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 12:42:17 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

What communities are you a part of? Are their dynamics different than the bdsm community?
Is collarme a community?

Akasha

Forgive me Akasha - I know you directed this to Faramir, but I could not resist answering that a community is a coolection of likeminded people who pull together and share a government - therefore, I would not dare suggest that BDSM nor CM is a community - merely a clique.

Peace

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 12:45:07 PM

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These are wonderful questions!

I think each individual has to make their own decisions whether they consider themselves a part of the "community." I've met some kinky/fetish-y ppl who simply don't want anything to do with attending events, etc...and don't consider themselves a part of this community, so-called...But I am speaking of ppl who have been involved with the local community in the past but felt for whatever reasons that they no longer wanted to affiliate.

I personally affiliate myself with the leather lifestyle community, only b/c that is the POV I feel most comfortable with and best suited to...even though it is historically a gay male lifestyle pov...(maybe I was a gay man in a past life).

I've told some of my "vanilla" friends about my lifestyle choices and they have been extremely supportive. One friend I told only recently, who I knew would never reject me, said simply, "somehow I'm just not surprised." Well, he wasn't surprised either when I came out to him as bi... But others of my vanilla friends, I just would not share this info with, as some I am not as close to and some are quite conservative. And some I just don't trust with the information.

If I had a wedding, I would invite friends from all groups of friends, but the ceremony wold be strictly vanilla. However, if I had a collaring ceremony, I would invite my lifestyle and lifestyle tolerant friends...but I would not necessarily expect my lifestyle tolerant friends to necessarily understand or feel comfortable with what might transpire. I would explain this to them and let them know I would respect it if they declined my invitation. But, and my friends know this about me, if they accepted the invite, they would be expected to attend and leave all judgment back at their homes.

MNN

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 12:45:14 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Are you not considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community?What makes you a part of the community -- attending munches and play parties? If you never attend any of these things, are you still a member of the BDSM community? I believe you are a lifestyler if you live the life, even in the privacy of your own home. you are a part of the community if you contribute to the community (even passively).

Do people ever mix their communities? If you have a close set of friends that are from a hobby group of some sort, do you tell them about your bdsm community friends and vice versa? I do mix my communities. I am a gamer geek and while my gamer friends are not bdsm people they know about me. I don't like hiding who I am from those I care for.

If you had a wedding, could all your friends from all communities attend together, or do you keep them separate? My wedding had all of my friends...from all communities...lmao..I'll never forget when MorTis walked into the room and my mother in law to be's mouth dropped to the floor...Don't know who MorTis is? Google Rigger MorTis (he's my rope god!!!) and you'll see why this 75 year old woman was so shocked... (by the way, she's the one person we don't tell about my lifestyle)

Is the BDSM community your main circle of friends and support? What about online community? How many communities do you consider yourself a part of, and how accepting are they? Hm....no, I don't think I have a main circle of friends. I like my online community but really, even though I love these boards and such, until I meet someone in person....friend is a stretch for me. Close aquaintance is more accurate. I can't say I have more than a few communities...my gamer buds are VERY accepting of who I am.

Akasha

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 12:48:18 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Are you not considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community?What makes you a part of the community -- attending munches and play parties? If you never attend any of these things, are you still a member of the BDSM community?

Do people ever mix their communities? If you have a close set of friends that are from a hobby group of some sort, do you tell them about your bdsm community friends and vice versa?

If you had a wedding, could all your friends from all communities attend together, or do you keep them separate?

Is the BDSM community your main circle of friends and support? What about online community? How many communities do you consider yourself a part of, and how accepting are they?

Akasha

i have often been asked by Doms "how long have you been in the lifestyle?"

i never know how to answer this; i have known about D/s for a couple of years; have dated a lot of Dominant Men, one for several months, but have not acquired much experience.

i continue to hear conflicting things about the local BDSM group here, but i continue to try and find S/someone to go with to see for myself. So far, no joy, but that could change tomorrow.

If i do attend meetings and play parties of my local BDSM group, does that make me a better submissive? IMO, the answer is "no". It might be a way to meet nice P/pl and make new F/friends, and it might be nice to try and gain experience by attending seminars or play parties. In the end though, i seek a highly intimate and unique relationship, and the only way i really want to play is the way that pleases Him.

As for my online community, the only difference btw my online F/friends and my real time F/friends is proximity. The trust and warmth has been well-demonstrated, and i treasure my online F/friends just as i do any other F/friend.

i left Florida a few years ago and it seems unlikely i'll be able to return for a visit anytime soon. The distance has done nothing to change the F/friendships that grew up while i was there.

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 12:54:26 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Are you not considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community?

I'd say no... but then I also don't really care what the "community" thinks either.

quote:

What makes you a part of the community -- attending munches and play parties?

Dunno... don't really consider myself a part of said community... more like the occasional visitor .oO(to the asylum)

quote:

If you never attend any of these things, are you still a member of the BDSM community?

Why would I want to be?

quote:

Do people ever mix their communities? If you have a close set of friends that are from a hobby group of some sort, do you tell them about your bdsm community friends and vice versa?

People probably do, and some probably don't, and others sometimes do and sometimes don't... I think that covers it. Me personally, some aspects of my life overlap into other areas, and sometimes not... I go with what seems prudent at the time... and that changes.

quote:

If you had a wedding, could all your friends from all communities attend together, or do you keep them separate?

Well first you'd have to convince me to get married... LOL

quote:

Is the BDSM community your main circle of friends and support?

Not even a close second.

quote:

What about online community?

More so than offline contacts, I know more people here and have more discussions... but its still not even a close second, not even a close third in fact.

quote:

How many communities do you consider yourself a part of, and how accepting are they?

Well I have citizenship in three countries, does that count?

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 1:01:37 PM

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"love, honor, and obey" I mean how much more kinky can you get? You do after all place a circle around her to bind her to you. Most if not all the symbology we bring to collaring comes from the Christian marriage ceremony.

My dad wanted to bring a woman to my dungeon after I gave him a tour, my mom knows I am kinky, I have done photo shoots at work, and my friends know what I am into. I don't get graphic but they do get it.

As for friends, I have a wide circle of friends of all stripes, many Republicans who haven't yet reformed, quite a few tree hugging liberals, people with all sorts of interests and perspectives.

As for our "community" some places I guess have more of one. Sacramento has several groups, most trying to out closed mind each other and full of power tripping/ego tripping nitwits (no, I don't mean you two!). That used to be an accurate description of me but I have grown a bit, not much but enough to not tear someone a new ass at one of the last events I went to.

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 2:29:31 PM

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i was part of a community i was even part of a poly family,
and all that was taken away now i live when if you are part of the life you hide in closet, As for my poly family it was easy to throw me away and belive the lies of another
oh well life goes on right

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 2:32:52 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

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i've made attempts to become part of my local community, even attended a coupld of munches. but, as far as getting to and from munches, that is a very difficult thing. i have asked on the Yahoo groups about transportation assistance, but no takers.

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 2:47:19 PM

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I am a member of a local submissives group but have yet to be at a munch or play party, too shy to go on my own and I'm not sure how my friend feels about it not ready to ask him about it though he knows and approves of my meetings. My closest friends know what I am and the daylight group at my second job knows too my main job does not and I want it to stay that way, I got enough questions when the boss found out I wasn't Christian. Well, without knowing it I did have lifestylers at my wedding, one gave me away in fact, he's my bestest friend we just had never discussed sexual issues until this summer when he went on a complete honesty kick. My main online community is paranormal this is way down the list.

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 2:53:10 PM

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Despite my issues with it, being part of a group for a while is a highly rewarding experience and can seriously open your mind and broaden your horizons in very healthy ways.

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 3:01:56 PM

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i considered myself very big in the community when i was stationed in Camp Lejeune, now that i have moved down to Louisiana, i just haven't got my hands dirty yet. lol i agree with the guys that say that a lifestyler is what you make of it. i consider myself a lifestyler, but i don't get involved in the community, not saying i wouldn't i just fell i don't have alot in common with any of the people. you know this is a very confusing and touchy subject. lol

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 3:04:24 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Are you not considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community?

No.

So because we don't have a very active community where I am and I can't travel down to the bigger city to attend stuff down there very often I guess that means I'm not "really" into BDSM then??

That doesn't really seem fair. Who says you are only a "lifestyler" if you regularly attend parties and munches?? There are so many places that for one, people are not very "out" or that there is no where to go to conglomerate and commune together.

What about people that practice a full and happy BDSM relationship but have no desire to attend functions and deal with all the political bullshit that goes along with being apart of a orgainzed group?? Or they feel that what they do is an expression of love or commitment that is just shared between them and have no desire to go out and show off to everyone else in the area? Does that mean they are not really "lifestylers" either?

I'm just trying to understand why you have to be out in the public eye to be considered to be part of the lifestyle.

I do agree that if you don't attend things then you are not a member of the local community but that is totally different then being a lifestyle BDSM participant.

< Message edited by akisha -- 5/18/2007 3:05:36 PM >

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 3:08:34 PM

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quote:

Are you not considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community?

That question is phrased like a deposition question.

We're part of many communities. Some with life, some with style; a few with both.

quote:

What makes you a part of the community -- attending munches and play parties?

When you go to a public or open invitation munch or a club when you pay to enter you are an attendee. If you are an invited guess to a play party, especially at someone's house you can say you are part of that particular 'community'. Think of it this way, if you go to a baseball game and sit in the stands are you part of the baseball players 'community'? You may have a common interest in the game, and the people sitting next to you, but the commonality is limited to being a spectator, at least in that context.

quote:

If you never attend any of these things, are you still a member of the BDSM community?

Sure you are. Get a like-minded group of people, even one people, and you have your own community.

quote:

Do people ever mix their communities?

Depends on the community. Rarely, if ever, have I been part of a community having an event and the topic of discussion is limited to any one subject.

quote:

If you have a close set of friends that are from a hobby group of some sort, do you tell them about your bdsm community friends and vice versa?

All the time, if for no other reason I love watching their reaction. It has a lot to do with how inquisitive a member of one community is about another I may be affiliated. When it comes to this lifestyle and you see or hear a hint that generates a question; our creed is; "Don't ask if you are prepared to get an honest answer." Like the answer and want to know more and expect to get a tour of the dungeon.

quote:

If you had a wedding, could all your friends from all communities attend together, or do you keep them separate?

Did it - Done it. Our wedding guests included people from this community, members of CM for that matter, along with our families, and the minister who married us was the husband of my bookkeeper. Nobody had restricted assess to the other.

quote:

Is the BDSM community your main circle of friends and support?

Main? No - we have no "main". Our friends come from all walks of life, and we have enjoyed many cross over social settings.

quote:

What about online community?

"On-line" + "community" = Mutually exclusive. On-line is a tool to add to an existing community or to get involved and add another. Relying on what you see and read on-line to determine the merits of a community or an individual is a great way to be soured on any community. Fraud is too rampant. It's too easy to get sucked into someone else's rationalized world.

quote:

How many communities do you consider yourself a part of, and how accepting are they?

Never counted them, and can't even say that many can be defined as communities. The acceptance issue is a matter of perspective. Of course any 'community' I consider myself a member, I'd report is "accepting". Some we tried, and didn't like and left, I'd cite the reason as being that they weren't "accepting".

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RE: Are you part of the "community"? - 5/18/2007 3:14:58 PM

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From: Charleston, WV
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Are you not considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community?

To me, how you live your life defines whether or not you are lifestyle. I'd say that you're missing out if you're not active in at least your local community, though.

quote:

What makes you a part of the community -- attending munches and play parties?

Interaction with other people of like mind. Hopefully, that interaction is positive.

quote:

If you never attend any of these things, are you still a member of the BDSM community?

No. By my definition above, I feel that you have to interact in some way order to be a member of a community.

quote:

Do people ever mix their communities? If you have a close set of friends that are from a hobby group of some sort, do you tell them about your bdsm community friends and vice versa?

I have told some of my outside spiritual friends that I'm a Master in a Master/slave relationship, but not many. I've also told some other people, as it became relavant. I also was very frank about my modern primative spiritual components as well as my prefered relationship dynamics when applying to the Metaphysics program I am in. However, all that didn't seem relevant when applying to the Mech. Eng. program I'm also in.

quote:

If you had a wedding, could all your friends from all communities attend together, or do you keep them separate?

I don't see why they couldn't. Our seperate bio families would and there's no requirement that THEY like each other, so why not chosen family?

quote:

Is the BDSM community your main circle of friends and support?

No, the spiritual Master/slave community is my main circle and source of support. BDSM is a small part of the whole.

quote:

What about online community?

I do feel I'm part of the CM community, but not on the same level as with my real time community. I do enjoy this community, though!

quote:

How many communities do you consider yourself a part of, and how accepting are they?

Ummm....bio family, work, chosen family and spiritual. My mom's family and my brother know and accept, my dad's side doesn't know simply because I don't interact with them much. Only a few at work know and they only know a tiny bit; it's not relavant to the job. All of my chosen family know...if they're going to be a part of my family, they HAVE to accept me. Some of my spiritual friends know, but most of them are also lifestyle, so there's not many to tell.

Master Fire

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