RE: what would you do

RE: what would you do (Full Version)

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texaskristy -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 5:41:38 AM)
I think you know the answer to this one. He is dishonest and not worth your time or anyone else's. For a good relationship, you need trust between you and the other party. If you can't trust your dom, how can you expect things to really work out between you? I would also say you hold yourself in too low a regard if you accept a knowingly dishonest dom. Believe in yourself and do what you know is right and based on your post, you know the right thing to do.

slaveluci -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 9:24:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evanesce It's not just the wife who stands to be hurt here. The sub is equally at risk. That's a good point and one you don't often see brought up as much. quote: Then, I discovered he was married. Many tears were shed on both sides before all was said and done. I cried every night for months - over the betrayal, over the loss, over my own inability to see what should have been right in front of my face. It's been almost eight years, and I'm happily married to the Kaptin now, yet there is still a small part of me that mourns that relationship Sorry to hear about your pain through that situation.....slave luci

slaveluci -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 9:31:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TinkerHell my disgust for the situation begins and ends with the lying. OK....that was my question. It's not that I can't think of reasons why people would get so angry at "cheaters." It's that I wanted to hear from the people who got so upset why THEY got upset. I can guess or assume but was simply curious as to what their individual reasons were. Yours is because it involves lying. Thanks for your input. quote: I think that we can put our heads together and come up with better examples of human nature at its worse... righteous indignation and condemnation are pretty low on the scale of the worst things that human beings are capable of. [8\|] That's debatable. I tend to believe that both of those mindsets can lead to some pretty terrible things.....luci

Stephann -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 9:35:59 AM)
Cough... Spanish Inquisition....hack... The Holocaust... cough... Ethnic Cleansing... Pardon me, I must have had something stuck in my throat. Stephan

cjenny -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 9:37:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster I think self-righteousness explains most of the loathsome things people do. People will steal if they think they can get away with it, and will usually kill if they feel they have to--but self-righteousness is necessary for the really large-scale deadly stuff. When people are convinced that they're right, head for cover. quote: ORIGINAL: TinkerHell quote: Also, you have to remember that something between two consenting adults is between two consenting adults, but cheating is between two consenting adults and some other adult who doesn't know what's going on. It's not comparable. Look, I'm also turned off by all the self-righteous condemnation; it's human nature at its worst. I think that we can put our heads together and come up with better examples of human nature at its worse... righteous indignation and condemnation are pretty low on the scale of the worst things that human beings are capable of. [8\|] I felt a bit off with the comments saying "go tell the wife" and I couldn't quite put my finger on it until I read your post LAM. It feels like there is an ulterior motive for telling her, sort of 'well he screwed me over & his wife should know. gee I will tell the wifey then I will feel all warm n fuzzy for being such a good person'. If the OP didn't tell the wife when their affair began then why would the submissive tell her now? Why should/would an outsider tell her? I don't mean that she doesn't deserve to know but there are so many pieces missing. She may well know already, she may NOT want to know. IMO I would tell the dom that his wife should be told by him, that the next affair he has could destroy the marriage etc. Some may consider him scum for dallying outside of his marriage sure, but we know nothing of him nor his life. The OP stated that the wife may very well know. Bypassing him and telling her directly smacks of revenge to me. The finishing off of the home wrecking scenario.

slaveluci -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 9:59:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Stephann Cough... Spanish Inquisition....hack... The Holocaust... cough... Ethnic Cleansing... Pardon me, I must have had something stuck in my throat. Stephan exactly, Stephan[;)].........luci

slavegirljoy -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 10:14:18 AM)
i don't think there's any point in telling the wife anything. Most likely, she already knows or at least suspects her husband has been (is being) unfaithful to her. There's usually a very strong gut feeling about it, at least it was in my case when i was married and suspected my husband was having affairs behind my back. He was. i found him naked with a married woman (also naked) in her apartment 2 floors up from ours. i also found love letters to him from another woman. It was a deal-breaker for me, to find out he had been going behind my back. The trust was gone. The marriage was over, for me. i just think giving the other sub a friendly "heads up" email about this man would only be fair to her. i wish someone had told me the truth about a man i got involved with many years ago. It would have saved me from going through some negative stuff that i would have rather not gone through. He was a professional fireman (a profession that i have a great deal of respect for) and he worked on the NIH campus, where i worked. i could see his firehouse from my office window. He didn't ask me for my phone number, instead he gave me his. He also invited me to come by the firehouse sometime to have a tour. i did and i met the guys he worked with. i figured he must be on the level, since he was bringing me around the people who would know if he was married. A couple of months later i started to have strong suspicions and i found out that he was married and had 2 young children. He had no apologies for his actions when i called him on it. He couldn't care less how his actions had made me feel or how it might be affecting his wife, marriage, or family. It wasn't a good feeling to find out that i had been had. i hate liars. ------------ slave joy Owned property of Master David "..and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." -- F. Nietzsche

cjenny -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 10:17:14 AM)
I do agree that a heads up to the potential new submissive could be a positive thing. She may or may not believe it especially coming from someone who just 'broke up' with him but it could help. <hijack> slavegirljoy? Are you at MJ bychance?

taintedgypsy -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 10:48:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster Isn't it obvious? It's because they've been cheated on. Also, you have to remember that something between two consenting adults is between two consenting adults, but cheating is between two consenting adults and some other adult who doesn't know what's going on. It's not comparable. Look, I'm also turned off by all the self-righteous condemnation; it's human nature at its worst. But you can at least understood why people feel the way they do. quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci There's nothing I can list here that someone won't defend as totally fine between consenting adults....unless perhaps it happens to be "cheating" and then the low-down, dirty dog, pond scum sunzabitches need to be schooled on just how to act[;)]. Why is that and just what is it about cheating that makes people so angry and self-righteous when none of the other acts discussed here seem to have the same effect? As always it is a pleasure to read your posts Lordandmaster, however I would like to add to this one. Married or not married ... we are talking about a committed relationship between two people with plans of life long goals, the sort of relationship with thoughts of growing old together ect. not just some casual fling, Mr/Mrs Right not the Mr/Mrs Rightnow ... We all have barriers and boundries that get thicker and harder to breach as they get closer to the centre of who we are. Friends get so far in ... family get so far in and really close friends get really deep in but for the majority of people it is that life long partner that we let into the centre, that we allow to see our weaknesses, we trust with our deep secrets ... that we share our day to day lives with; and it is this trust that is broken, abused and leads to hurt and anger. I also feel that it is not just the memories of such a betrayal but the fear of it that brings out the anger and self-righteous condemnation. For many people it is the ultimate betrayal. That this "Life Partner" could do such a thing is inconcievable, it is not so much the lies, the adultery, or even that you become this non-conscenting third party. It is a shattering of dreams, of future plans, of trust, it leaves behind grief for all that is lost, as well as feelings of rejection, of being duped, a fool and damages the ability to trust again ... even to the point of being emotional crippled. I feel that alot of this anger and self-rightous condemation come mainly from a deep seated fear that it could happen to you personally or worse that it could happen to you ... again! For those that come from a loss that involved years together and/or a family it can be a memory of such pain that the mere mention of it causes an emotional reaction of extreme proportions. Just my thoughts and my perspective ...

slaveluci -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 12:18:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: taintedgypsy I feel that alot of this anger and self-rightous condemation come mainly from a deep seated fear that it could happen to you personally or worse that it could happen to you ... again! For those that come from a loss that involved years together and/or a family it can be a memory of such pain that the mere mention of it causes an emotional reaction of extreme proportions. Just my thoughts and my perspective ... Thank you, taintedgypsy, for yet another sensible (and kind[;)]) answer to my question........luci

texancutie -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 12:54:32 PM)
Great post slaveluci! Will read what follows...lol. I am not expecting a whole lot though. But thank you for posting!

NControlofU -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 12:55:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cjenny <hijack> slavegirljoy? Are you at MJ bychance? joy is my slave. Not sure what MJ is.

texancutie -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 1:06:10 PM)
That was a very good statement that summed up things so well.

NControlofU -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 1:12:12 PM)
quote: Anytime a thread involves someone being involved with a married partner (whose spouse is unaware), the insults begin flying and there's very little dissent. It's as if the worst thing one can be is an adulterer. That's the key, the "unaware" part. No problem if the spouse is aware and agrees to it. There are plenty of "open marriages" where one or both spouses agree to the other or both being able to have sexual relations with other partners, usually within certain conditions but sometimes unconditional screwing around is fine. The problem with the situation described in this case is that there is a wife at home who seems to have no idea that her husband is getting extra friendly with other women. Why shouldn't she be able to decide whether she wants an open marriage or not? There are plenty of things worse than being an adulterer, such as being a liar. If his wife doesn't know about his extramarital activities, he's not being honest with her and isn't giving her the opportunity to decide whether this is the kind of marriage she wants to be in or not. Wouldn't you want to have that information so you could decide if that's what you want or not?

texancutie -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 1:24:08 PM)
Don't forget the Scarlet Letter! Maybe everyone that has made this kind of mistake should go around wearing the letter A sewn onto all their clothing....then we can get around to punishing them as well. Forget understanding. kindness, and forgiveness, let's just stew about how horrible it is, and what awful people they are. Actually , sometimes the spouse really does not want to know, because they usually have a good idea already. And that other sub is again a grown woman. She has to have an idea when she can't make contact with this guy whenever she would like. Life is hard and not a garden party where we are drinking champagne all day. Sometimes we learn our most important lessons from life's moments of despair and unhappiness.

slaveluci -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 1:26:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NControlofU That's the key, the "unaware" part. That's what most folks who are answering my question are saying. quote: There are plenty of things worse than being an adulterer, such as being a liar. If his wife doesn't know about his extramarital activities, he's not being honest with her and isn't giving her the opportunity to decide whether this is the kind of marriage she wants to be in or not. Wouldn't you want to have that information so you could decide if that's what you want or not? Yes I would. I have been in a marriage where infidelity occurred so it's not like I don't understand what everyone finds upsetting about cheating. What made me curious is just HOW angry some people get. Even having been in an adulterous marriage, I can talk about infidelity with a certain level of calm. It seems like whenever any thread comes up that involves cheating, it elicits a level of anger and venom I don't usually see on threads about other topics. Thus, rather than assuming I know why everyone would feel so upset about the topic, I simply asked them. My reasons may not be their reasons. Everyone seems to be saying it's all about the lack of honesty and consent. Makes sense.......slave luci

slavegirljoy -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 1:40:52 PM)
Hi cjenny, By MJ, do you mean My-Journal? If so, then the answer is yes. i have my online journal there? Did you want to ask me something about it or were you just curious if my journal was there? (This is an answer to side question asked in a slight hijacking on this thread. Sorry for the inconvenience and interruption.) ------------ slave joy Owned property of Master David "..and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." -- F. Nietzsche

ELUSIVE1 -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 1:48:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cjenny I do agree that a heads up to the potential new submissive could be a positive thing. She may or may not believe it especially coming from someone who just 'broke up' with him but it could help. <hijack> slavegirljoy? Are you at MJ bychance? ok...first there was no 'ulterior motive' yes I sent her an email letting her know that he is married...and included my cell phone number...and no the conversation did not sound like 'first wive's club'...I am not angry or bitter--I look at this as merely lesson learned...the den mother in me was afraid she was a new-wide-eyed naive sub that was driving in from TN to meet her prince charming...but after talking with her I know that was never the case..and I made a new friend....as for his wife---well she is his responsibility to be honest with or not--I am not even attemptingto contact her....

AquaticSub -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 1:54:13 PM)
I, personally, think you shouldn't have been messing with him in the first place if you knew. I still call that "home-wrecker" behavior. Obviously, you share no more blame than him. But no, I don't think lying to her is right. She should be allow to make an informed decision as who she has sex with. But so should his wife and if he is sleeping with you (who could have all sorts of STDs for all his wife knows), then she isn't being allowed to make an informed decision either. So really... I don't think either of the lies is worse then the other. One just involves you actively lying.

slavegirljoy -> RE: what would you do (6/18/2007 2:20:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci It seems like whenever any thread comes up that involves cheating, it elicits a level of anger and venom I don't usually see on threads about other topics. i think this is such a gut-wrenching, emotional issue for so many because, finding out that the person you married is cheating on you, feels like you're getting a knife in the heart and a kick in the crotch by the very person you trusted and believed in enough to promise to "honor and .....etc.....whatever vows you made". A lot of people have invested a number of years with and emotional energy on the person they marry before they exchange those vows and think they know them and trust them. Then, when, behind your back, the man you married goes out and trashes those vows and leaves you sitting at home with the kids and the dishes and the TV, it's a huge blow to all that you hoped for and believed in when you decided to say "I do" to this man. It's so disrespectful and breaks the bond of trust so completely. For people who get married without the expectation or desire for honesty and trust and fidelity, it's a different matter and it might not even bother them what the other spouse does. ------------ slave joy Owned property of Master David "..and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." -- F. Nietzsche

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