Collarchat.com

Join Our Community		 Collarchat.com

Home  Login  Search 

RE: "Friends with Benefits"


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: "Friends with Benefits" Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 5:30:04 AM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		My definitions:  Fuck buddy = someone you call to fuck and only fuck; you don't care less what he thinks about your haircut or what book he's read lately.  Friends with benefits = someone you'll hang out with, enjoy the opinions of and screw too.  Casual one night stand = exactly as it sounds; meet, fuck, disappear.

I don't find sex to be the ultimate in committment to someone.  I grew up learning it that way and believed it... for a while.  When I was about 16 I was date raped; not once but many times by the same boyfriend and I hid it.  I married my rapist the day after I graduated from high school because I believed that the man I had sex with, I had to marry.  That was the most miserable time in my life...ever.  Nothing can compare to the various levels of abuse in that relationship.  I stayed married until he finally got the balls to physically harm me with brute force vs. taking me for sex (for which I just learned to lay down and keep my mouth shut).  When he "hit" me (it's a longer story than just "hit" me) I had a wake up call and got the hell out of there.

Why am I recounting this?  Because it was after that I realized sex was NOT what made a relationship.  Trust, love, compassion, faith etc. are the ingredients to an amazing committed partnership.  Sex is just part of the package.  I spent a lot of time with fuck buddies, friends with benefits and casual one night stands after that.  I had less self esteem after this relationship than I did as a kid in school and I took validation any place I could find it.  I look back and feel I am not only lucky to be disease free but alive as well. 

In my mind having a friend with benefits is a wonderful thing.  Go to a movie, shopping, dinner and home to fulfill needs that all typical and most atypical humans have; the need for sexual contact.  When you part ways you know you can do it all again any time you choose.  That's true empowerment...the ability to just enjoy what you have and not over analyze it.

I believe this is by no means a new concept I just think women are feeling more empowered to be who they want to be in life.  It is not about being Donna Reed or June Cleaver any more.  At one time a girl who slept with someone before marriage was a slut or a whore or easy.  Today these women are simply making a choice.  And more and more women are making the choice to enjoy what they were given at birth...sexual drive.

I have two female UM's and I wonder what I will teach them when they become that age.  Will I preach what my parents preached and hope they come out of it better than I did or will I tell them how to care for their bodies and do what feels right because sex is sex and commitment does not equal or equate to sex?  You guess...I already know the answer.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 5:37:01 AM   
spankmepink11


Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline 		When i was i full time parent, all the young ones at home, a "friends with benefits" relationship used to be the only relationship i was interested in.  I didn't want a string of one night stands,  but also didn't want to  continue to do without sex. (took almost 2 years to take the plunge).  But i've noticed, as eyes said, that men who seem to want them, seem to want it to be a one way street, and comepletely forgo the the "friend" part  
I'm not neccessarily interested in marriage per se,  however i do avoid "Fuck buddies" these days.  I  enjoy the whole fuck toy feeling...but...i have to know that i'm a cared for fuck toy.  I generally do not "scene" casually either, although there is the occasional exception to that.

(in reply to slaveish)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 5:45:42 AM   
shyinini


Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline 		I do have a male friend who I considered a friend with benefits.  He is now a friend.   He is a man who liked me for me, also we met under the "fuck buddy" method. As we began to IM more often, we found out more about each other and knew we were friends whether there was a benefit there or not. 

I personally do not equate fuck buddy with friends with benefits.
This man started as a fuck buddy --> friend with benefit --> now his friendship means more than just the sexual benefit.
 
My "fuck buddy" was just that, not a benefit of friendship.  I didnt like the guy personally.  We had nothing in common other than we were clean, it was convenient, and it filled a need.
When I no longer needed or wanted him as a fuck buddy, that is when all hell broke loose.
He harassed me, I was accused of decieving him....blah blah blah.  Apparently he was in love with me.  If that was love, then it just aint happening.
 
Fuck buddy to me means someone conventient to fuck cause you both enjoy each others sexual activity, only cause there might or might not be anyone else.
 
Friend with benefit NOW has a different meaning for me.  It is using a potential good friend for a sexual benefit.  Like using a person.  I cant go there again or anymore.
 
 
Sir's property

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.


(in reply to themischievous1)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 5:58:11 AM   
SeeksOnlyOne


Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		there are days my fantasy perfect man is great in the bedroom, loves helping out with home improvement projects....with me the perfect tool/beer fetching wench, maybe a weekend in the mtns sometimes, come sit and watch a movie or go out for one, and always goes home to his place and leaves me alone at mine.....

some days he is a soulmate, with all the above, and i dream of laundering dirty socks and handing coffee to him as he leaves for work......

the reality is somewhere in between i am sure.....having been married my entire adult life, and just learning to live alone in the past 5 years, depending on me only for everything, and having found i adore no one elses mood defining my household when i come home.........before i lived with someone again, it would have to be better than the contentment i have found alone.......

will that ever exist? who the hell knows.  i dont have time to worry about it.

hows that for dancin all around an answer?

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to themischievous1)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 6:05:02 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I think ExSteele hit closest to the target.  I agree that it is more common now, rather than 30 years ago.  I believe that females were raised with a different mindset.  In other words, it was perfectly ok that males had a sex drive and went about satisfying that particular human need.  However, I don't think females were quite as liberated.  We were still brought up (in many cases) to think that sex was only something that was had in a committed relationship, or casual sex was only for the young.  While some were brought up a bit more open minded, being 38, I can tell you that it wasn't quite that way yet for everyone.
 
 

(in reply to shyinini)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 6:16:23 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		~fast reply~

i automatically block anyone who's only looking for a fuck buddy or "friends with benefits" type of relationship. i'm looking for more out of a friendship/relationship than screwing ..plus i want to my 2 daughters to grow up with wholesome values about love and relationships


_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 6:22:38 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		A few years ago the US army noted a problem with female personnel - many of them were taking a more 'male' approach to sex - being more keen, and more demanding, and much more overtly pleasure-seeking instead of showing proper 'female' attitudes.  It was later noted that that kind of behaviour was on the increase across society - as women became less economically dependent on men, and more physically confident, they tended to stop the more traditionally female methods of operating - smiling more, appeasing and pleasing more, etc.

So maybe this is part of that - women don't need a man 24/7 any more, so they just use them for the good bits and don't put up with the boring stuff.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 6:29:46 AM   
GhitaAmati


Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I always say the primary reason for not getting married is:  divorce.


Statistically speaking, the leading cause of divorce in this world is marriage.

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 6:49:25 AM   
octavia


Posts: 377
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline 		I tried the fwb thing.  funny though... I did it before I became educated about BDSM and my preferences...

I spent all kinds of time on the phone and on a few dates with this guy.  Things looked promising, he was attractive, secure, and a very smooth talker.  I had a lot of fun letting him think he was seducing me.  
I set it up to stay the night  after a date.. we had sex three times before I left the next AM.  I was sore as a whore and frankly, bored to tears.  Poor guy, he thought I got "wise" to him when he tried calling for bootie calls and I blew him off.  I didn't have the heart to tell him the lesson I learned that night is that even hours and hours of vanilla  sex is boring to me.  
I thought about setting out to find a new fwb once I figured out the whole D/s part of things, but then figured out that I am discriminating enough that I'm going to invest in any type of relationship i have, so seeking a purely sexual relationship with no other elements won't work for me, I would still invest, my partner just  prolly wouldn't.

(in reply to GhitaAmati)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 7:08:38 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

Friends with benefits... the vanilla equivalent of the collar of consideration?
 
John


_____________________________

MstrssPassion


(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 7:46:20 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: earthycouple

In my mind having a friend with benefits is a wonderful thing.  Go to a movie, shopping, dinner and home to fulfill needs that all typical and most atypical humans have; the need for sexual contact.  When you part ways you know you can do it all again any time you choose.  That's true empowerment...the ability to just enjoy what you have and not over analyze it.



I read the whole post by Earthycouple but it was this one paragraph that I wish to comment on...

I too was raised with the sentiment that good girls don't & sex before marriage is bad. I was on my own before nearly 2 yrs before I experimented with sex the first time because of this. I made bad choices because I was overly curious... the biggest bad choice was my first marriage & then my second.

It wasn't until my second divorce that I decided to free myself of those lingering sentiments of sex = commitment = marriage & I went out on dates for just fun. I didn't go buck wild but I was focused on finding a great sexual partner that I could be comfortable with & not go down that path where the "I do" was the goal.

I found a wonderful FWB. We maintained a great friendship with regular get-togethers for about 10 yrs. I would occasionally explore relationship possibilities with others from time to time but I felt no need to satisfy those primal urges with others since they were completely satisfied with a trusted partner. This gave me the ability to focus on those important factors that often take a back burner because of those primal urges (love, compassion, compatibility outside of the bedroom) I even introduced him to some lifestyle parties. For him, I provided him with a consistent partner to attend so many of those "couples" events he always felt awkward at previously.We also enjoyed trail biking, diving & dancing so it wasn't all just sex... yet sex was typically pre or post these activities <wink>

This relationship helped me to overcome so many of the barriers that old school morals & god fearing religious practices had placed upon me. It was very empowering & I know for a fact that if I had not had this person in my life I would not be as confident & secure in my sexuality (& so much more) as I am today.

I still keep in touch & he always tell me that he is up for a visit anytime... <veg>

I have 2 girls myself, one is 18 the other 16. I have handled this subject completely differently than the way it was handled with me. They have decided to abstain not because of the dreaded good vs bad crap that was shoved down my throat. My conversations have been about health risks, pros & cons of promiscuity, the natural biological urges brought forth by hormones & self respect. Right now we have made an agreement that they will not engage in sex until we learn more about HPV & the vaccination that is being offered.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion


(in reply to earthycouple)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 8:44:05 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		FR

I think it's much more that women are allowing themselves to be fully sexual beings without all the stigma attached to it.  And that modern society no longer requires a group like structure for individuals to survive, so the need to form a commitment and have lots of babies is gone- and finally social culture is catching up to that.

And of course as Aquatic mentioned, reliable birth control is a serious addition.

I had someone email me today saying that my partner was just a friend with benefits and that I was just so young and didn't know better.  Of course she blocked any reply.  It felt good to feel young again :) 



_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 8:57:24 AM   
taintedgypsy


Posts: 228
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline 		I think there is a time and a place for FWB and the old "fuck Buddy, as well as the one night stand and the committed relationship. I have had FWB that worked well and ended when they or I found someone speacial, but we stayed friends and on occassion took up where we left off when we were both single again. I have had the fuck  buddy that was just a breathing sex toy basically and one in particular that only new my nickname and had no way of contacting me ... sex on tap. I also had no problem with going out hunting and having the proverbial one night stand ... I had an itch I scratched it.
My um is 19 and came to stay with me for a month and actually made one of my work mates her FWB, it was a little akward at first (took some adjustment in my thinking) but I decided there was  nothing wrong with it ... it hurt no one and she is her own woman.

I can go back over 2 decades and remember many friends having the same outlook I did, and many were jaded with the whole relationship thing. I do not beleive we were quite as up front and open about it as the young women of today but it was certainly still not an uncommon practice 2 decades ago.

I have never been married ... never really found anyone worth that sort of commitment. I also think that the regard for marriage as a life long comitment is a thing of the past, not many still look at it with such value or regard. Unfortunately I do, I would not consider marriage with anyone that I was not able to see a viable old age with, this is why I have never married.

I think like all things ... what ever rocks your boat and does not hurt others is really only your business.

Just my opinon and in complete respect of the opinon of others.



_____________________________

..."Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass ... It is about learning to dance in the rain."

Equal Opportunity Slut (Yeah ... best of both worlds lol)

warm smiles to all

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 9:44:31 AM   
Lewcifer


Posts: 126
Joined: 5/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

What I see occurring is that few are willing to make a marital commitment anymore, even though they seem to be willing to embrace the idea of a long term relationship and living together. When the tough times hit though, most aren't making their LTR's last, are they? I'm also wondering how any kind of serious D/s, M/s, or other lifestyle dynamics can develop the necessary trust to survive, much less possibly exist 24/7 in a friends with benefits type of arrangement.


It's My impression that younger couples (18-24 for a rough range) are still committing for the wrong reasons - they're quick to build a relationship based on sex, and to marry for the same reason.  When that interest naturally begins to wane or taper down (ie, the novelty effect), so does the relationship.  Even if it doesn't taper down, the day-to-day realities of actually living with each other become unpleasant side-effects and the relationship deteriorates.

Another thing I'm noticing is that these same younger couples tend to get caught in what I call the fairy tale effect... being young and naive, they tend to internalize the romantic processes laid forth before them in romance books and on television.  They really do go into it believing that love conquers all only to find out the hard way how important money really is when it comes to a comfortable survival in this world.  So many tend to not have any career plans or even realistic life goals that a comfortable existence never becomes possible, and as a result they struggle day-to-day.  Since the biggest stress on any relationship are money issues (statistically proven, I might add), where do you think that leaves them?

Another thing W/we tend to do when looking at issues is not step back far enough to look at the big picture and put things into their proper perspective.  For example, a member of my local BDSM club made a statement that we (as a society) tend to break and disregard more laws now than we did in medieval times.  A quick search revealed that there were much fewer laws in medieval times than there are now.  In reality, we break a lesser percentage of laws now than we did in the past!  It's all about perception, and not allowing what appear to be blatant facts blind you toward uncovering further truth.



< Message edited by Lewcifer -- 7/3/2007 9:46:58 AM >

(in reply to themischievous1)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 9:58:51 AM   
Lewcifer


Posts: 126
Joined: 5/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: spankmepink11
I  enjoy the whole fuck toy feeling...but...i have to know that i'm a cared for fuck toy.  I generally do not "scene" casually either, although there is the occasional exception to that.


Amen!  My sentiments exactly, even back in the days of My wild youth.

(in reply to spankmepink11)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 10:10:03 AM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		I just can't do casual sex. Lord knows i've tried in my day...it just makes me feel really bad...almost sick to my stomach. I am zero good at "sport fucking".....thats just me...i realize others can and do enjoy it...

_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to Lewcifer)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 10:10:53 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		That's a good point.  I was thinking of never-married women, who still seem as determined as ever to land a husband.  Every time I've talked to an unmarried woman who has put off marriage, it's always come out, sooner or later, that it represented a compromise on her part, and in her ideal world she would have been married by now.

Maybe divorced women are less eager to remarry than they used to be.  There must be some hard numbers about whether there are fewer second marriages now than in the past.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

Maybe women are also less inclined to get married than they used to be; but I have to say, I haven't seen that.


I'm curious about your sampling.  Is this coming from the never-married woman or the divorced woman?  As a divorced woman, I have no interest in a second marriage.  Second marriages have worse statistical outcomes than first marriages.  I always say the primary reason for not getting married is:  divorce.  I would love to have a longterm monogamous relationship, without making it a legal contract (marriage).  For me it does not make sense to marry at this point.  Of course things could always change, but I don't see myself as someone who's going to take the huge leap (take a huge chance) into a second marriage, not when things are pretty good as is.

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 10:28:34 AM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: themischievous1
Do you think more women are beginning to desire, accept, or even tolerate this type of arrangement, more than they used to say twenty years ago?
 
No, possibly, maybe. I don't desire, accept or tolerate that. Then again, I am me and I have standards as to what I find acceptable and not acceptable in any sort of relationship.
 
quote:

Why does it seem as if this kind of thing is becoming the norm now?(certainly for men at least, or am I wrong about that and women are embracing this idea too?) Is everyone becoming seriously jaded to real intimacy and commitment?
 
Because people are lazy and don't want to put effort into a meaningfull relationship; careers are taking the forefront and not so much healthy relationships. Men who engage in that stuff, are generally refered to as 'players' at least in my book they fall into a  sub-catagory of player. More like, commitment phobic or immature. Women are following the guys bad lead; this is one time when playing follow the leader is a bad idea.  
 
quote:

When the tough times hit though, most aren't making their LTR's last, are they? I'm also wondering how any kind of serious D/s, M/s, or other lifestyle dynamics can develop the necessary trust to survive, much less possibly exist 24/7 in a friends with benefits type of arrangement.
 
My LDR is lasting, its been hard at times, but, we are making it work, it takes effort and a desire to make it work. MJ an I have been friends for years, we have taken the next step in our friendship; its not 'friends with benefits' its what has evolved from being friends for this long, we are in the beginning stages of a relationship, we have goals and we know where we are and what we each want, luckyaly for us, those goals and desires are on the same path; 'friends with benefits' sounds cheap to me, like a NSA [no strings attached] relationship.
 
quote:

I've always likened this kind of "relationship" to a very casual arrangement for sexual gratification purposes and convenience. It seems more and more though that many people will tell you they want a long term relationship when they really only intend to be your fuck buddy or a friend with benefits.
 
Just because something is convient, doesn't mean its right or healthy. The people I have been in relationships with want LTRs and not fuck-buddies or friends with benefits; you know that after talking to someone. If I think they want nsa or to be fuck buddies, I'm gone. I'm don't have the patience for that bs, so I leave those people to others who want the same.
 
quote:

So how do you tell the difference between those who are on the level and are seeking something more meaningful and those who just want the casual?
 
Communication, communication, communication.
 
quote:

Often it seems that if you start into the playing, scening, and various other intimate sexual activities that you've already started on the path toward the friends with benefits relationship. And if not, what makes it more meaningful and permanent for you so that it doesn't turn into this?
 
I won't let it. When I meet someone, I go into it with the same mentality as I do a vanilla or lifestyle meeting, I may have a friend at the end of it, if something 'more' is there then great, we see what happens. MJ an I are friends, I consider Him one of my closest friends, I have for years; now, we have taken a step into something more, its not just about sex or about playign and scenening, if it was, we would not put as much effort into things as we have; you don't put effort into a play or fuck buddy.
 
MJ an I work on our relationship, we may be at the beginning of a romantic relationship, yet to call us 'fuck buiddies' or 'friends with benefits' is way off, those both inply casual and for convience; considering that their is a 3 hr drive between us, and the grapevine, its not what I would construde as causal. Casual is like a bootycall. This is most definatly NOT that.


_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to themischievous1)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 10:44:30 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Maybe divorced women are less eager to remarry than they used to be. There must be some hard numbers about whether there are fewer second marriages now than in the past.


Yeah, I would love to see some stats on that stuff, as well as stats on the success of second marriages (after the kids have left the house).  I know in talking to people who have failed second marriages, it was mainly because of finances and/or disagreement over child rearing and dealing with stepkids.  These are people who went in with every intention of making their second marriage work.  This is why I know that the best intentions don't mean too much.  I know I sound cynical, but that's me.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/3/2007 11:14:02 AM   
Lewcifer


Posts: 126
Joined: 5/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
I know in talking to people who have failed second marriages, it was mainly because of finances and/or disagreement over child rearing and dealing with stepkids.  These are people who went in with every intention of making their second marriage work.  This is why I know that the best intentions don't mean too much.  I know I sound cynical, but that's me.


you don't sound cynical.  you do sound knowledgeable.  See My post here (#34) for further details.

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: "Friends with Benefits" Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2024
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

1.016