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RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/4/2007 3:58:16 AM

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quote:

How to tell the difference? From experience, if he comes over and doesn't expect you to blow him, fuck him, titillate him,. if he is around just to kick back and talk and enjoy your company, if he doesn't leave less than an hour hour after getting off when you do have sex, then he's interested in the whole of you. If the only time you see him is when he has his fingers up your skirt and his tongue down your throat, well then that makes him a fuck buddy.

harhar, how about if he has his tongue up your skirt and his fingers down your throat, and you are both in walmart?

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RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/4/2007 4:12:02 AM

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To put it bluntly, I am not capable of monogamy. The times I’ve tried were abysmal failures. In addition, I have no interest in celibacy.
I’ve come to accept that at my core I’m a loner who likes to connect with people but on a limited time basis.
My solution has been that I have several dominants in my life. They all know that I play with others and they also have other submissives they see. It works well for me!
Perhaps it is a character flaw that monogamy only frustrates me and makes me unhappy. What I know for sure is that the variety affords me enrichment and contentment. I consider each of them a friend and the fact they are a part of my life is certainly beneficial to all of us.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
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(in reply to domiguy)

RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/4/2007 4:47:51 AM

dvart

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Friendship is a very flexible kind of thing. You can have a very close friend who you don't see very often, but the committment can be lifelong. Friendship can increase and decrease in intensity according to circumstances and nobody sees a problem. Friendships are usually much more realistic and accepting than affairs of the heart. A good friendship can pretty much survive anything.
Once sex becomes involved things seem to get much less flexible and often less honest. We seem to have the need to define what is going on much more. So it is a "one night stand", "casual affair", "life committment".
If "Friends with benefits" means grounding sex in a meaningful friendship, then I am all for it. But most women I have met have been very reluctant to have a sexual relationship based on friendship. Strange, since friendship is a better indicator of compatibility than romantic love.
I have recently started rewatching Dawsons Creek and I think it deals quite beautifully with these kinds of issues, especially of course Joey's relationship with Dawson.

(in reply to themischievous1)

RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/4/2007 6:51:37 AM

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"Friends with benefits" is nothing new, not even the phrase. My mom was using it to describe certain of her male friends in 1975!

Not everyone is wired for a 'friends with benefits' relationship, but for those that separate sex from commitment, I feel that it can be a valuable option. People who are focusing on a career, school, or simply working on personal issues don't lose the need for physical intimacy. The world is full of kinky people and vanilla alike who have had rebound relationships that were driven by this. A 'friend with benefits' relationship can meet a person's needs for intimacy and still allow that person the time and mental/emotional space to focus on the primary personal goal. However, these relationships also require a deep level of honesty with oneself and the 'friend'. It should be clear to both exactly what the relationship is and what the boundaries are for both. Most of 'benefits' aspects of these relarionships are understood to be temporary and in my opinion, if the relationship starts to move towards one of those boundaries, then it is time to decide if the 'benefits' aspect of the friendship should expire. Allowing things to progress until one party is pressing against a boundary will most likely cause the loss of not only the benefits, but the friendship as well.

In spite of progress, the double standard applied to sex outside of a 'committed relationship' is still alive and well, especially here in America's Heartland. The guys having casual sex are still 'studs' and the girls are still 'sluts' (in the derogatory sense). Occasionally a male will be called a 'slut puppy', but I've never heard it said with anything other than the same bawdy good humor a Gorean man uses when calling a kajira a slut and it is generally taken the same way as it is by those kajira, earning a grin and a satisfied "thank you". It's better than it used to be, but from what I observe around me, it's still way short of anything approaching social equity where I live. Then again, by the Taliban's standards, an American Amish woman dresses like a slut, so it all ends up being relative anyway.

Collectively, human beings have a long way to go before we stop judging ourselves and others based on our sexuality. I doubt we will ever get there. But just as perfection can never be reached, in striving for the unobtainable goal, some truly inspiring moments of excellance can be achieved and celebrated along the way. May we all have many many moments of shining excellance on our own personal journey toward sexual perfection.

As always, this is my opinion, based on my understanding and experiences. ymmv

NChaka's amicia, who will be searching for those moments of excellence in one more week.

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to dvart)

RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/4/2007 7:17:47 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

~fast reply~

i automatically block anyone who's only looking for a fuck buddy or "friends with benefits" type of relationship. i'm looking for more out of a friendship/relationship than screwing ..plus i want to my 2 daughters to grow up with wholesome values about love and relationships

I had to send a quick reply to this statement. My children have never met my friend, any time I'm with him, it is out of town and my children are not involved.

My older um is a very well adjusted teen who has only started to form romantic ties and is very level headed when it comes to sex. He knows the responsibilites that come with the physical action and we have spoke often of the emotional aspects from both sides. It also helps that there is a 10 year age gap between um's so the older one knows EXACTLY what having a child around does to one's life.

~Psy

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(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/4/2007 7:27:21 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LightHeartedMaam

I, personally, don't care what the "new morality" is doing. I set my own priorities and expectations. If you want a family, marriage first. I think there is a stage people go through in their teens, 20's and 30's. When you begin your mid-40's and on, you start to think about some kind of permanency. The fuck buddies of the past are long gone.

Had the marriage and the ums already. Now I've started my 40's and I want for ME. Sometimes I just want sex, without the commitment, without the dirty socks on the floor, without the toilet seat left up.
Like the song says, "I want a lover who won't drive me crazy, one that knows the meaning of 'Hey hit the highway' "

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Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
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(in reply to LightHeartedMaam)

RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/4/2007 7:33:33 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: spankmepink11

When i was i full time parent, all the young ones at home, a "friends with benefits" relationship used to be the only relationship i was interested in. I didn't want a string of one night stands, but also didn't want to continue to do without sex. (took almost 2 years to take the plunge). But i've noticed, as eyes said, that men who seem to want them, seem to want it to be a one way street, and comepletely forgo the the "friend" part
I'm not neccessarily interested in marriage per se, however i do avoid "Fuck buddies" these days. I enjoy the whole fuck toy feeling...but...i have to know that i'm a cared for fuck toy. I generally do not "scene" casually either, although there is the occasional exception to that.

Its funny...I first started out with my friend as playing. Then it was playing with sex. Somehow, right after that, it turned into some kind of friendship; One that has us laughing and sharing sorrows/annoyances, phone sex, holding hands, singing and silliness. Sometimes there is sex and sometimes there is just us together.
So maybe he isn't a friend with benefits, maybe he is a fucktoy with friendship? Do we need a new definition or just laugh at the way things work out?
Either way, I have let him know that I'm glad the two of us are friends.

~Psy

< Message edited by PsyVamp -- 7/4/2007 7:34:18 AM >

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to spankmepink11)

RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/4/2007 7:43:55 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: themischievous1

What I see occurring is that few are willing to make a marital commitment anymore, even though they seem to be willing to embrace the idea of a long term relationship and living together. When the tough times hit though, most aren't making their LTR's last, are they? I'm also wondering how any kind of serious D/s, M/s, or other lifestyle dynamics can develop the necessary trust to survive, much less possibly exist 24/7 in a friends with benefits type of arrangement.

I've always likened this kind of "relationship" to a very casual arrangement for sexual gratification purposes and convenience. It seems more and more though that many people will tell you they want a long term relationship when they really only intend to be your fuck buddy or a friend with benefits. So how do you tell the difference between those who are on the level and are seeking something more meaningful and those who just want the casual? Often it seems that if you start into the playing, scening, and various other intimate sexual activities that you've already started on the path toward the friends with benefits relationship. And if not, what makes it more meaningful and permanent for you so that it doesn't turn into this?

I'm starting to think that relationship training needs to be done in school before they turn you loose into the real world.

Figure out what YOU are worth. Do you see yourself more than a booty call? If so, make your boundaries. If someone wants YOU.. not just your bottom half, they will appreciate knowing what the "key to your door" to get to know you is.

Make them wait until YOU are ready. You have the pussy, hence the power. If they want it, they play by YOUR rules.

Remember, today's party girl, those that get passed around will age. Today's "slut" is tomorrow's used up, wizzeled old cat lady.

The party doesn't last, people, You get what you ask for.

edited to add an old saying. "A stiff dick has no conscience".

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 7/4/2007 7:46:18 AM >

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RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/4/2007 8:49:02 AM

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quote:

Remember, today's party girl, those that get passed around will age. Today's "slut" is tomorrow's used up, wizzeled old cat lady.

LOL, I’m already fairly ‘wizzled up’ and most definitely a cat lady but right now I’m having fun.

quote:

The party doesn't last, people, You get what you ask for.

In my dotage I plan to keep myself warm with an electric blanket and memories of the good times.

quote:

A stiff dick has no conscience".

I find this to be an unfair generalization. It may be true sometimes but certainly not all the time.

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(in reply to LotusSong)

RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/4/2007 9:58:37 AM

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Oh, and a wet cunt does?

What pure, revolting sexism.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

"A stiff dick has no conscience".

(in reply to LotusSong)

RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/4/2007 10:03:25 AM

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quote:
A stiff dick has no conscience".

I find this to be an unfair generalization. It may be true sometimes but certainly not all the time.

Not to worry.. there's another saying - "No one is ugly after 2 AM" (at least that's what the guys say)

and LAM ... I've never let my privates override my good sense.

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 7/4/2007 10:09:12 AM >

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to catize)

RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/4/2007 11:11:17 AM

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I find your arguments here full of clichés and rather dogmatic. Monogamy is no guarantee for women OR men that they won’t be discarded or disrespected or end up feeling used.

quote:

I've never let my privates override my good sense.

I’m sure there are many men here who could assert the same.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to LotusSong)

RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/4/2007 11:55:54 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

quote:
A stiff dick has no conscience".

I find this to be an unfair generalization. It may be true sometimes but certainly not all the time.

Not to worry.. there's another saying - "No one is ugly after 2 AM" (at least that's what the guys say)

and LAM ... I've never let my privates override my good sense.

Yes, but I would let your privates override my good sense.

I have always applauded those that had the stomach to "go ugly early."....Thereby insuring that the stiff dick or moistened gash will not go unfulfilled.

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RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/4/2007 3:16:52 PM

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I've been lucky enough to have several "FWB's" during my life. The level of intamacy is not something you can just pass off as trivial. It's great knowing you have someone in your life who enjoys having sex with you, and you with them. In Europe, they seem to be a little more comfortable with these sorts of arrangements than we are here in the Bible-addled USA. Only instead of calling them "Friends With Benefits" they label them what they truly are: lovers.

When searching for a long term commitment (and I think that is something we ALL do) it's best, in my opinion, not to be working from within a "starvation economy." Rather like the old saying that you shouldn't go grocery shopping while hungry. By having at least some modicum of satisfaction, some reassurance that your are desireable, and a good "catch," you can make better choices for long term.

Strange though... women are always telling me that sex and love are two different things to them. Yet, if this were true, wouldn't "FWB's" be MORE common than they are? Or maybe that's just the dark ages social programming messing things up again. Men have been enjoying having a wider range of potential relationships than women have had, traditionally speaking. Men can have a wife, a mistress, a lover, hire a whore or have a one night stand on a business trip. Women, until recently, were expected to have far less variety in their lives. Personally, I think that the "sexual revolution" of the late 50's and early 60's is finally maturing into something worthwhile... a more open sexual paradigm, but one that stresses communication and responsibility. To me, this is a vast improvement!

(in reply to Aubre)

RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/5/2007 12:16:07 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

I find your arguments here full of clichés and rather dogmatic. Monogamy is no guarantee for women OR men that they won’t be discarded or disrespected or end up feeling used.

My point is.. you are treated the way you expect. So many people go into a relationship with the attitude that it all ends eventually so live for the day or night or until you get tired of it all. What a defeatist attitude. But then if you fuck up, you can always say "I knew that".
.
It seems people don't even try to cultivate a relationships anymore, This is were D'S is comforting. It's like playing house. You be the Daddy (Dom) and I'll be the Mommy (submissive). It's a nice little package where everyone knows what to do and if one drops the ball you can "You didn't play fair! I'm outta here"

I don't get upset by other's opinions for I am secure in mine and I know, time will tell. (oops! another cliché!!) LOL!

Like all old people, I tolerate the young.

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 7/5/2007 12:17:14 PM >

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
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RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/5/2007 12:28:37 PM

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I am with catize on this one. Even my best efforts at monogomy left me feeling I was lacking.
I've been very lucky - and even have my ex's end up the best of friends.
My question is this - WHO decided that this group of animals had to be one on one?
If you find it - my hats off to you.
BUT stop saying that those of us who are not happy in this arrangement are off, lacking, twisted, immoral, the list goes on. Isn't it like saying my kink is better than yours??

If it works for us - get off our ass.

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(in reply to LotusSong)

RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/5/2007 1:01:34 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Petronius

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I believe that females were raised with a different mindset. In other words, it was perfectly ok that males had a sex drive and went about satisfying that particular human need. However, I don't think females were quite as liberated. We were still brought up (in many cases) to think that sex was only something that was had in a committed relationship, or casual sex was only for the young. While some were brought up a bit more open minded, being 38, I can tell you that it wasn't quite that way yet for everyone.

I have a different recollection from that period. Mine is that the major group calling certain women "sluts" were other women with an anti-sexual mindset. The same women did not believe it was somehow "OK" for men to engage in sexual activity. They had quite hostile terms for those men as well.

Despite claims of some society-wide "double standard" I never really saw it. What I observed was a group, largely of women, who had a distaste for sex, an overall hostile view to both men and women who engaged in it, and who attacked a fabled well-established "double standard" that existed mainly in their fantasies.

(And yes, there was a male analog to the women. Those were the men who routinely and loudly proclaimed "all women are whores." But that is a different topic.)

Of course you didn't catch either side of the double edged sword (what many refer to as the exteme ends of the practice of sexuality..... either prude or slut) because you are a man. Very few men have an experience to recall from their past of being scorned specifically for having sex. They were usually the 'lockerroom heros' while the female partners they were with the night before were suddenly the scurge of the earth.

(in reply to Petronius)

RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/5/2007 1:08:37 PM

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I don't think nay of my ftf''s ever felt poorly afterwards...They were big girls and knew the exact context of our relationship...It was always really upfront and we were freinds hanging out..If not involved in primary relationships we were going to weddings and shit like that...There was never a discussion about wanting more...Or that anyone felt the least bit ashamed or degraded by their actions...It was cool.

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RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/5/2007 2:36:46 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: bliss1

BUT stop saying that those of us who are not happy in this arrangement are off, lacking, twisted, immoral, the list goes on. Isn't it like saying my kink is better than yours??

If it works for us - get off our ass.

Would you please highlight the portion of my posts where I state this? Please be specific. (touchy.. Touchy!! sorry if my posts hit a nerve, you guys)

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Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

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RE: "Friends with Benefits" - 7/5/2007 4:18:24 PM

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Joined: 3/7/2006
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quote:

My point is.. you are treated the way you expect. So many people go into a relationship with the attitude that it all ends eventually so live for the day or night or until you get tired of it all. What a defeatist attitude. But then if you fuck up, you can always say "I knew that".
.
It seems people don't even try to cultivate a relationships anymore, This is were D'S is comforting. It's like playing house. You be the Daddy (Dom) and I'll be the Mommy (submissive). It's a nice little package where everyone knows what to do and if one drops the ball you can "You didn't play fair! I'm outta here

I would hazard a guess that monogamous relationships occur at the same percentage whether vanilla or D/s.

I’m done trying to make monogamy work for me and I am much happier for it.
I like men; I just can’t live with them. That was true even back when I was vanilla.

I choose to live alone; I like my own space and my own company. Therefore, I have chosen my D/s partners based on the fact they will not intrude on my life.
Whether you believe it or not, I like things just the way they are.

I expect them to treat me like a good friend, and they do. I expect them to treat me with respect, and they do. And I am glad when they arrive, and just as thrilled when they go home because I have my own space back.

I’m not quite sure what you find objectionable about the fact I have, after all these years, accepted the truth about myself.
A ‘defeatist attitude’ would be if I kept trying to be what I am not.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to LotusSong)

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