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ORIGINAL: themischievous1

"Friends with Benefits"

 

I'm sure it has always been around. It's just that its name is being bandied about a lot more and I'm sure a lot of us have already tried it with various success rates, whether willingly or unwillingly. It used to also go by the name of "fuck buddy."

 

Do you think more women are beginning to desire, accept, or even tolerate this type of arrangement, more than they used to say twenty years ago? Why does it seem as if this kind of thing is becoming the norm now?(certainly for men at least, or am I wrong about that and women are embracing this idea too?) Is everyone becoming seriously jaded to real intimacy and commitment?

 

What I see occurring is that few are willing to make a marital commitment anymore, even though they seem to be willing to embrace the idea of a long term relationship and living together. When the tough times hit though, most aren't making their LTR's last, are they? I'm also wondering how any kind of serious D/s, M/s, or other lifestyle dynamics can develop the necessary trust to survive, much less possibly exist 24/7 in a friends with benefits type of arrangement.

 

I've always likened this kind of "relationship" to a very casual arrangement for sexual gratification purposes and convenience. It seems more and more though that many people will tell you they want a long term relationship when they really only intend to be your fuck buddy or a friend with benefits. So how do you tell the difference between those who are on the level and are seeking something more meaningful and those who just want the casual? Often it seems that if you start into the playing, scening, and various other intimate sexual activities that you've already started on the path toward the friends with benefits relationship. And if not, what makes it more meaningful and permanent for you so that it doesn't turn into this?

quote:

ORIGINAL: themischievous1

"I'm sure it has always been around. It's just that its name is being bandied about a lot more and I'm sure a lot of us have already tried it with various success rates, whether willingly or unwillingly. It used to also go by the name of "fuck buddy."

 
Do you think more women are beginning to desire, accept, or even tolerate this type of arrangement, more than they used to say twenty years ago? Why does it seem as if this kind of thing is becoming the norm now?"

 

quote:

What I see occurring is that few are willing to make a marital commitment anymore, even though they seem to be willing to embrace the idea of a long term relationship and living together. When the tough times hit though, most aren't making their LTR's last, are they? I'm also wondering how any kind of serious D/s, M/s, or other lifestyle dynamics can develop the necessary trust to survive, much less possibly exist 24/7 in a friends with benefits type of arrangement. 

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ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross


I had someone email me today saying that my partner was just a friend with benefits and that I was just so young and didn't know better.  Of course she blocked any reply.  It felt good to feel young again :) 

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ORIGINAL: LightHeartedMaam

I, personally, don't care what the "new morality" is doing.  I set my own priorities and expectations.  If you want a family, marriage first.  I think there is a stage people go through in their teens, 20's and 30's.  When you begin your mid-40's and on, you start to think about some kind of permanency.  The fuck buddies of the past are long gone.

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ORIGINAL: LadyPact
 I believe that females were raised with a different mindset.  In other words, it was perfectly ok that males had a sex drive and went about satisfying that particular human need.  However, I don't think females were quite as liberated.  We were still brought up (in many cases) to think that sex was only something that was had in a committed relationship, or casual sex was only for the young.  While some were brought up a bit more open minded, being 38, I can tell you that it wasn't quite that way yet for everyone.

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ORIGINAL: KatyLied

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Maybe divorced women are less eager to remarry than they used to be. There must be some hard numbers about whether there are fewer second marriages now than in the past.

Yeah, I would love to see some stats on that stuff, as well as stats on the success of second marriages (after the kids have left the house).  I know in talking to people who have failed second marriages, it was mainly because of finances and/or disagreement over child rearing and dealing with stepkids.  These are people who went in with every intention of making their second marriage work.  This is why I know that the best intentions don't mean too much.  I know I sound cynical, but that's me.

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ORIGINAL: KatyLied

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Maybe women are also less inclined to get married than they used to be; but I have to say, I haven't seen that.

I'm curious about your sampling.  Is this coming from the never-married woman or the divorced woman?  As a divorced woman, I have no interest in a second marriage.  Second marriages have worse statistical outcomes than first marriages.  I always say the primary reason for not getting married is:  divorce.  I would love to have a longterm monogamous relationship, without making it a legal contract (marriage).  For me it does not make sense to marry at this point.  Of course things could always change, but I don't see myself as someone who's going to take the huge leap (take a huge chance) into a second marriage, not when things are pretty good as is.

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ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Why do you have to get married to have a permanent relationship?

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ORIGINAL: LightHeartedMaam

I, personally, don't care what the "new morality" is doing.  I set my own priorities and expectations.  If you want a family, marriage first.  I think there is a stage people go through in their teens, 20's and 30's.  When you begin your mid-40's and on, you start to think about some kind of permanency.  The fuck buddies of the past are long gone.

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ORIGINAL: Petronius

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ORIGINAL: LadyPact
 I believe that females were raised with a different mindset.  In other words, it was perfectly ok that males had a sex drive and went about satisfying that particular human need.  However, I don't think females were quite as liberated.  We were still brought up (in many cases) to think that sex was only something that was had in a committed relationship, or casual sex was only for the young.  While some were brought up a bit more open minded, being 38, I can tell you that it wasn't quite that way yet for everyone.

I have a different recollection from that period. Mine is that the major group calling certain women "sluts" were other women with an anti-sexual mindset. The same women did not believe it was somehow "OK" for men to engage in sexual activity. They had quite hostile terms for those men as well.

Despite claims of some society-wide "double standard" I never really saw it. What I observed was a group, largely of women, who had a distaste for sex, an overall hostile view to both men and women who engaged in it, and who attacked a fabled well-established "double standard" that existed mainly in their fantasies.

(And yes, there was a male analog to the women. Those were the men who routinely and loudly proclaimed "all women are whores." But that is a different topic.)

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ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

I just can't do casual sex. Lord knows i've tried in my day...it just makes me feel really bad...almost sick to my stomach. I am zero good at "sport fucking".....thats just me...i realize others can and do enjoy it...

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ORIGINAL: LightHeartedMaam

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ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

Why do you have to get married to have a permanent relationship?

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ORIGINAL: LightHeartedMaam

I, personally, don't care what the "new morality" is doing.  I set my own priorities and expectations.  If you want a family, marriage first.  I think there is a stage people go through in their teens, 20's and 30's.  When you begin your mid-40's and on, you start to think about some kind of permanency.  The fuck buddies of the past are long gone.

Please re-read the portion of my post I have highlighted in red.

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ORIGINAL: sublimelysensual
The only comment that really bothered me in the OP was this one:
 

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What I see occurring is that few are willing to make a marital commitment anymore, even though they seem to be willing to embrace the idea of a long term relationship and living together. When the tough times hit though, most aren't making their LTR's last, are they? I'm also wondering how any kind of serious D/s, M/s, or other lifestyle dynamics can develop the necessary trust to survive, much less possibly exist 24/7 in a friends with benefits type of arrangement. 

I don't view two people in a long term relationship, living together, sharing life, as a "friends with benefits" arrangement. I personally find it insulting to insinuate that unless a couple is married (ie, have a legal document saying they're together), they can't possibly be as committed to each other, or trusting of each other as a married couple are. I've met people in LTR's that are much more successful in their relationship than people with a marriage license, and vice-versa. As for tough times hitting, look at the divorce rate..those people are making it stick? What matters isn't a 2 hr ceremony and a piece of paper, it's the commitment the people involved have to each other.  Anyway..just my two cents, as always....
 
-a