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RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 7:42:46 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
She is damed if you do damed if you dont kinda thing and it is sucky that he is makeing it worse, so is her mom, but if this continues no matter who did what he is going to have one broken and hurting slave!!!

I don't like the situation myself. Can you tell me how, specifically, you think I'm making it worse and what exactly I could do in detail to improve things for us both?

I know you are disappointed...I totally understand. But ...as I said before...the ultimate thing to do is give her a call at the party, ask how she's doing, and let her know that everything is ok. Then simply let it go. I don't believe she is a doormat, I think she just got played by her mother, been there got the t-shirt, and as a daughter, not much you can do about it...but you could be a gentleman and make it easier on her.

This is really a minor thing, and if you blow up every little situation you are going to have a miserable life together. Save all this for something that is really a problem.

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RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 7:43:14 PM

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Can you call your cousin and explain the situation?

(in reply to akbarbarian)

RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 7:46:31 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
She is damed if you do damed if you dont kinda thing and it is sucky that he is makeing it worse, so is her mom, but if this continues no matter who did what he is going to have one broken and hurting slave!!!

I don't like the situation myself. Can you tell me how, specifically, you think I'm making it worse and what exactly I could do in detail to improve things for us both?

Ok it has become apparent that you feel there is no way you can go to both parties... Now you need to ask yourself which party is easier to get out of going to, which will have the least reprocutions for her and you.. I suspect you already know the answer to that one. The fact is you dont know this cousin yes it woud be nice to meet her and you WANT to go to her party, but be honest if you dont go what will happen?? you can call and tell her something came up which is the truth, I dont see that she would have a problem. On the other hand if she doesnt go to her grandfathers party there will be issues for her with her family.. I may be wrong maybe your cousin will give you a hard time, but since you have never met her and have no emotional strings with her as your slave has with her family i still dont see how not going to your cousins party will have that much of a negative effect. Why not call your cousin say you are sorry you cant go and maybe make a lunch date to meet her. You will get to actually talk with her on a lunch date while at a party I dont think you would get much time to really talk with her with all the others around aspecially with her beeing the guest of honor, really you would be going there to spend time with a bunch of strangers...

Just my thoughts.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

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RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 7:51:50 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian
On the fourth of July, she told me she had news which she wanted to tell me but could spoil the mood of the day she was afraid. We were walking on the sand in our bare feet, and I felt pretty comfortable that we could talk things out so I told her "Just preface what you are going to say with the assurance that regardless of whatever the situation might be, you'll happily do what I decide" and that would keep me from feeling uneasy about making any decision about it.

Before you even knew what the problem was, you made her promise what any good slave is required to promise... I mean... could she say anything but? This was a tough situation to start with.

I so understand how much you want to go to your cousins party... but I don't see how that is going to happen and if you brew about it... I sure wouldn't want to be in your apartment/house tonight! This so sucks.

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RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 9:00:27 PM

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While death can occur at any age, the chance increases with age. It is extremely likely that your cousin will have more parties you can attend than her grandfather will have for her to attend. Expecting her to put your needs before her grandfather isn't much different than a Dom expecting a mother to put his needs before the needs of her children. Relationships come and go, but family is forever. Just like death is forever.

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RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 9:05:33 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
Now you need to ask yourself which party is easier to get out of going to, which will have the least reprocutions for her and you.. I suspect you already know the answer to that one. On the other hand if she doesnt go to her grandfathers party there will be issues for her with her family.. I may be wrong maybe your cousin will give you a hard time, but since you have never met her and have no emotional strings with her as your slave has with her family i still dont see how not going to your cousins party will have that much of a negative effect.

I actually have met my cousin, but only once and only recently. What you are pointing out is true, that there are reprocussions or at least what sounds like guilt or threats to her not doing what her family wants. I don't think there should be reprocussions, and if there are, I think there are strings that ought to be cut. I'd like to see her have a relationship with her family where she doesn't have to do what they say, and they won't be offended or come down on her. I'd like to see her have more independance versus her family is what I'm getting at, and if she doesn't, well then it starts to look like a case where I can make plans as long as her family objects. Other people having veto rights versus your slave really sucks. I certainly haven't let my family come between me and someone I'm with, and I expect the same. Shouldn't I?

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RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 9:13:33 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DrkJourney
the ultimate thing to do is give her a call at the party, ask how she's doing, and let her know that everything is ok. Then simply let it go. I don't believe she is a doormat, I think she just got played by her mother, been there got the t-shirt, and as a daughter, not much you can do about it...but you could be a gentleman and make it easier on her.

I told her rather than getting angry, I was going to look for answers to this situation as I am doing so right from the start I'm trying to make the best of things for both of us. As to there not being much you can do about it? As a son I sure can, and have. Why should it be any different as a daughter? Also, I try to make things easy on her when I see the option, but I don't want to make what I stand for a lie just to make it go down easier. "Oh being a slave is for when you're in the mood, tonight was fine, your mom just put you in a bad spot" is that really the thing to say? I'm in no mood to be a Master right now. It hurts and I feel wronged so I want to get her back, stew in my misery, drink, pig out, find people to pat me on the back and be sympathetic but what do I do? I ask MagiksSlave for advice because I don't want to miss any angles on understanding how to deal with this for the best results of all conserned. Now if that isn't brave considering her usual scathing remarks towards me I don't know what is. If I'm going to act like a Master when the going gets rough, shouldn't I expect the same from my slave?

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United we stand!
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RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 9:14:43 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

I'd like to see her have a relationship with her family where she doesn't have to do what they say, and they won't be offended or come down on her. I'd like to see her have more independance versus her family is what I'm getting at, and if she doesn't, well then it starts to look like a case where I can make plans as long as her family objects. Other people having veto rights versus your slave really sucks. I certainly haven't let my family come between me and someone I'm with, and I expect the same. Shouldn't I?

The relationship with my family coming second and my slavery (and Dom) coming first began when I married my Daddy and he became my family ... my new family. If we were only 4 months into a relationship ... then yes, my Grandfather would come first, and I would expect him to understand that ... as I am a human being before a submissive.

Being a real person means that I have real world *issues* that I need to tend to ... just as he does as well. Now that we are married, he always comes first and my family knows that and we (my family and I) have discussed it.

And one last thing ... communication ... something you hear a thousand times in D/s as well as the vanilla world. There seems a break down here, in a few ways. All I can hope is that it is a learning experience for you both. I know that I still have problems here and there where I could have been more specific, as could Daddy, as could the other people involved in the scenario. Life is one big learning experience. Use it to grow *winks*

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RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 9:17:35 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
Now you need to ask yourself which party is easier to get out of going to, which will have the least reprocutions for her and you.. I suspect you already know the answer to that one. On the other hand if she doesnt go to her grandfathers party there will be issues for her with her family.. I may be wrong maybe your cousin will give you a hard time, but since you have never met her and have no emotional strings with her as your slave has with her family i still dont see how not going to your cousins party will have that much of a negative effect.

I actually have met my cousin, but only once and only recently. What you are pointing out is true, that there are reprocussions or at least what sounds like guilt or threats to her not doing what her family wants. I don't think there should be reprocussions, and if there are, I think there are strings that ought to be cut. I'd like to see her have a relationship with her family where she doesn't have to do what they say, and they won't be offended or come down on her. I'd like to see her have more independance versus her family is what I'm getting at, and if she doesn't, well then it starts to look like a case where I can make plans as long as her family objects. Other people having veto rights versus your slave really sucks. I certainly haven't let my family come between me and someone I'm with, and I expect the same. Shouldn't I?

The truth is that even though it sucks, those of us who are close with our families or have strong ties do to a sertain extent need to listen to them when it comes to these things, aspeccialy subs many of whome have an incredible need to please everyone aspecialy their families, Honestly I dont think that you need to cut her ties to her family the truth is no matter what relationships you are in that other person is going to have power over her in some way, mostly because she wants to please them and a lot because well every person we have relationships with have some power even just a small amount. you want TOTAL power over her and honestly that isnt totaly possable with anyone, unless you cut them off from EVERYONE even to a sertain extent themselfs. Which it sounds like your fixing to do simply because you dont like the power her family has over her, the truth is you are trying to make it seem as like it is unhealthy so you have a reason to cut her off, but honestly I dont think (this is my opinion) it is unhealthy, yes they have power over her but that is just the reality of family, if you had Children they would have power over her as well. Just food for thought!!

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to akbarbarian)

RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 9:29:03 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
Now you need to ask yourself which party is easier to get out of going to, which will have the least reprocutions for her and you.. I suspect you already know the answer to that one. On the other hand if she doesnt go to her grandfathers party there will be issues for her with her family.. I may be wrong maybe your cousin will give you a hard time, but since you have never met her and have no emotional strings with her as your slave has with her family i still dont see how not going to your cousins party will have that much of a negative effect.

I actually have met my cousin, but only once and only recently. What you are pointing out is true, that there are reprocussions or at least what sounds like guilt or threats to her not doing what her family wants. I don't think there should be reprocussions, and if there are, I think there are strings that ought to be cut. I'd like to see her have a relationship with her family where she doesn't have to do what they say, and they won't be offended or come down on her. I'd like to see her have more independance versus her family is what I'm getting at, and if she doesn't, well then it starts to look like a case where I can make plans as long as her family objects. Other people having veto rights versus your slave really sucks. I certainly haven't let my family come between me and someone I'm with, and I expect the same. Shouldn't I?

The truth is that even though it sucks, those of us who are close with our families or have strong ties do to a sertain extent need to listen to them when it comes to these things, aspeccialy subs many of whome have an incredible need to please everyone aspecialy their families, Honestly I dont think that you need to cut her ties to her family the truth is no matter what relationships you are in that other person is going to have power over her in some way, mostly because she wants to please them and a lot because well every person we have relationships with have some power even just a small amount. you want TOTAL power over her and honestly that isnt totaly possable with anyone, unless you cut them off from EVERYONE even to a sertain extent themselfs. Which it sounds like your fixing to do simply because you dont like the power her family has over her, the truth is you are trying to make it seem as like it is unhealthy so you have a reason to cut her off, but honestly I dont think (this is my opinion) it is unhealthy, yes they have power over her but that is just the reality of family, if you had Children they would have power over her as well. Just food for thought!!

Magik's slave

Well shoot, people get a good deal with me then. I don't have to clear anything with my family. So, how long before someone grows up to the point where they have an adult relationship with their family? I have a bit of a problem with this situation clearly...

I'm not looking for her to cut ties, only to be more independant of thought and action. Even when her ex calls her and he's distressed about somthing, she wants to go running. I have the same view there. I'm fine with her being friends with her ex, but I don't like the form the relationship takes.

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Out and proud as a dominant male
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RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 9:31:13 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian
Yes, since the relationship with my cousin is new and we were invited to meet her family and friends, it's embarrassing to say the very least. I also can't go because it's in an area she's familiar with driving, and I'm not. See, I normally drive a pretty new car but since it's in the shop I have an old junker I'm driving and the GPS goes with the new car. I also find it harder to navigate the roads at night. Additionally, I lived most of my life until 2007 in a town that has no freeways and is on an island so this sort of driving is all new for me. I really need that GPS crutch if I'm going to go anywhere adventurous and new to me. So it turns out both of us aren't going, and she knows that.

I was trying to form a serious and sensitive response....right up until I got to this part. I'm sorry, but you are acting like a 12 year old throwing a hissy fit because you didn't get your way. Life happens sometimes and we all have to be flexible. If your party was really that important to you, you would have gotten in that junky old car and braved the busy streets.

Family is an important thing, and if you plan on being with this girl in the long term I would suggest that you find a comfort zone to operate within where her family is concerned. If her family see you putting her in difficult situations where she has to decide between them and you they are going to wind up viewing you as a controlling asshole and that isn't going to help your relationship.

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RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 9:36:53 PM

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Let's step back a moment and look at what I was asking to begin with, or rephrase it.
1) Is this a breakdown of the M/s dynamic?
2) Is discipline indicated?
3) If discipline is indicated, what kind?

I think by talking about how we're all human beings with family (and ooooh it's a RELATIONSHIP and we all have these FEELINGS) sidesteps the issue that this is a serious M/s dymanic at stake. If the military calls you to service, do you go party with your old grandpa? The urgency of my needs versus hers isn't even the point to me here, it's accountability and dependability at stake.

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RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 9:41:02 PM

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Well it is apparent that she isnt at the point that you are, fact is you are older by a few years so it makes sence you are at different points. You cant expect her to change over night only to help lead her in a better direction, but this is a situation that no matter how Domly you are or how much you try to controll her she is going to resist and it is going to cause friction for you to try and pull power over it and tell her what to do. It will drive her away and you dont want that, show as much understanding as you can and eventualy she may get to where you are, maybe she wont she is a different person then you, I know at 23 I am in the same boat as your slave, my family is very importent to me and they have a lot of power over me, but lucky for me Master knows that power and is understanding of it and he has NEVER made me choose beetween him and them, Only one time has he ever told me to go against something my family wanted me to do and that was because doing so was not in my best interesnt and I didnt want to do it but was gunna because they wanted me to, the thing was I was in the middle of finals getting no sleep and SOOO stressed out he was pulling me off the walls every night and my mom wanted me to go to work with her (she owns her own busyness) I told her no because I needed to sleep some and couldnt get up to early to go to work with her and I couldnt lose the study time eather! but she was guilting me and I was about to crack untill Master ordered me not to go and because I really didnt want to go it made it much easier for me to stick to my no, but that is such an extreme sercomstance. he ordered me because he knew I didnt want to go and that in the long run it would be ok and my Mom would understand, and she did.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to akbarbarian)

RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 9:51:27 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeart
If she is naturally submissive, then it is likely that she is not "selectively" submissive. Many submissives find it hard to say "no" especially to people who exert authority and influence over them. Part of your task as a Master is to help her to work her way through precisely such situations as these, to help her to work out priorities, and to trust your judgement as well.

This is a very good point. I hadn't considered that maybe she is just a pushover to people in general. Unselective submissive is how I personally define doormat. My mom is like that. I don't want that. When you try to please everyone at once, you do a less than half assed job for all conserned and just wind up stressed yourself. Thumbs down to that. Any ideas on what can be done to keep someone from being unselectively submissive, or, can anything be done?

time practice. as the two of you are still relatively new, and she needs to be accustomed to submitting to YOU. one thing i would offer as a point to think about is talking to her about the relationship you have, and that YOU/the relationship need(s) to come first.

she may not have thought about things from that angle. if you two were married (just as an example, not saying you should be) would her mother have been able to guilt her? or would she have been able to say "we've made unbreakable plans"? or "i need to check and see what plans are in the works" before committing?

i know these sort of things dont generally cross the mind, but since this happened, it needs to be discussed....for both your sakes, and for the relationship.

perhaps sitting down when you are both calm, and making plans for such emergencies is a good idea....along with your suggesting strategies for her dealing with pushy people.

i still struggle with saying no. fortunately, Sir has given me blanket permission to say no and put him as the excuse whenever i need to. that has helped me immensely.

kitten, who knows that no is the hardest thing she can say....

(in reply to akbarbarian)

RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 9:55:23 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

Let's step back a moment and look at what I was asking to begin with, or rephrase it.
1) Is this a breakdown of the M/s dynamic?
2) Is discipline indicated?
3) If discipline is indicated, what kind?

I think by talking about how we're all human beings with family (and ooooh it's a RELATIONSHIP and we all have these FEELINGS) sidesteps the issue that this is a serious M/s dymanic at stake. If the military calls you to service, do you go party with your old grandpa? The urgency of my needs versus hers isn't even the point to me here, it's accountability and dependability at stake.

1) I dont know what you mean
2) no discapline isnt the question here communication and understanding are
3) see number 2

And that comparision to the army well that is rather assinighn!! Im sorry but beeing called by the army to seave is WAY different then you demanding her to go to your party instead of her grandfathers.. And acountabilty.. come on when she agreed to do as you said she didnt have all the info so her disistion wasnt one she could keep once she found out all the info, why make her pay for her mothers transgretion!!

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to akbarbarian)

RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 9:57:44 PM

Posts: 4294
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From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian
so I told her "Just preface what you are going to say with the assurance that regardless of whatever the situation might be, you'll happily do what I decide" and that would keep me from feeling uneasy about making any decision about it. So she said that

You told her to say this and she did. Problem is, she apparently didn't really mean it. Instead of putting statements in her mouth, perhaps honest communication would work better. You say you didn't want to "feel uneasy" about making a decision so you just tell her to repeat the phrase you fed her. She just did as told. Things got off on the wrong foot, in my eyes, right here because you asked her to make a promise to "happily do what" you decide BEFORE you ever decided anything. How could she know whether or not she could "happily" do it? Therefore, she made a promise she apparently couldn't keep because that's what she saw was expected of her.

quote:

though on the 4th she made her promise about it to me to obey happily whichever option I chose

See above.

quote:

She says her family has been telling her she'd better attend because her grandpa is old and it's unclear how many birthdays he has left. She used to live with her grandpa before moving in with me two months ago. Her family lives around an hour away

Is this guilting her into coming? Sure. Does this happen often in families? Absolutely. The facts are the facts. He is old and he may NOT have another birthday to share with her. If she doesn't go, she may regret that for years to come. I can certainly understand her position. I don't know why you didn't go with her, frankly. From some of your other posts here, it really seems like you were more interested in "saving face" with this new-found kin of yours than in doing what may have been best for both your slave and you (insofar as doing the right thing in her family's eyes). Making her choose between their desires and yours may not work out real well for you at this early juncture in your relationship. Just a thought.......slave luci

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RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 9:59:41 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

Well it is apparent that she isnt at the point that you are, fact is you are older by a few years so it makes sence you are at different points. You cant expect her to change over night only to help lead her in a better direction, but this is a situation that no matter how Domly you are or how much you try to controll her she is going to resist and it is going to cause friction for you to try and pull power over it and tell her what to do. It will drive her away and you dont want that, show as much understanding as you can and eventualy she may get to where you are, maybe she wont she is a different person then you, I know at 23 I am in the same boat as your slave, my family is very importent to me and they have a lot of power over me, but lucky for me Master knows that power and is understanding of it and he has NEVER made me choose beetween him and them, Only one time has he ever told me to go against something my family wanted me to do and that was because doing so was not in my best interesnt and I didnt want to do it but was gunna because they wanted me to, the thing was I was in the middle of finals getting no sleep and SOOO stressed out he was pulling me off the walls every night and my mom wanted me to go to work with her (she owns her own busyness) I told her no because I needed to sleep some and couldnt get up to early to go to work with her and I couldnt lose the study time eather! but she was guilting me and I was about to crack untill Master ordered me not to go and because I really didnt want to go it made it much easier for me to stick to my no, but that is such an extreme sercomstance. he ordered me because he knew I didnt want to go and that in the long run it would be ok and my Mom would understand, and she did.

Magik's slave

Yeah that sucks, sorry to hear you're under pressure like that. One thing I've seen in D/s, is people thrive by having someone to "order" them to do what they really want to do to begin with they just need to not have to feel like the blame is landing on them. Like "forced feminization" being men who want to play at being fem but don't want to feel guilty so they get ordered to do what they really want to. Well if my slave is answering to too many people, maybe I need to talk to her about it and see how she's handling it and how it's affecting her. Obviously it now affects us both, and she can't do what I want her to if she can't do it period. I have no problems being blamed "Do it and tell them it's my fault" is fine with me.

Answers turn up in the darndest places, thanks Magiks

Oh and the FYI, is I don't tend to discipline until those pesky feelings are talked out and understood and cared for, but it still seems important for consistancy to provide rules and consequences outside of the emotional ones. As the dominant party, I feel I have the responsibility to provide consistancy and stability. Rules that change from day to day, and sometimes breaking one gets you in trouble, sometimes it doesn't, well I don't think that would be responsible of me. So I do want to nurture her and help her deal with things, but at the same time if my rules aren't followed that also must be dealt with.

The emotional stuff, I've gotten some clues for. Any thoughts on what the discipline warranted might be? I haven't written the 10,000 page book of Charles's law to look up what the appropriate remedy for this crime is, but for one idea I was thinking of making her copy this thread by hand and then reading it out loud to me. The other thought is to confisticate her car keys in order to ground her for a time (week maybe). She is between jobs, so it's not like it would be a hardship right now.

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United we stand!
Also:Not a service top!
Heretic of Gor

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 10:03:35 PM

Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

Let's step back a moment and look at what I was asking to begin with, or rephrase it.
1) Is this a breakdown of the M/s dynamic?
2) Is discipline indicated?
3) If discipline is indicated, what kind?

I think by talking about how we're all human beings with family (and ooooh it's a RELATIONSHIP and we all have these FEELINGS) sidesteps the issue that this is a serious M/s dymanic at stake. If the military calls you to service, do you go party with your old grandpa? The urgency of my needs versus hers isn't even the point to me here, it's accountability and dependability at stake.

Here's something to ponder.

Scenario One: Let's say in three months' time her grandfather dies, and she didn't go to his last birthday party because of you - how is she going to feel about you then? What will it do to her feelings of self worth? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to work out that she'll feel like crap and blame you.

Scenario Two: The situations are reversed. You miss your grandfather's last birthday party because she needed the use of your car. How would that make her look in your eyes? (Hint - would you think better or worse of someone who put you in that situation?)

Scenario Three: You swallow your disapppointment, take a deep breath, and talk to her like an adult. The conversation goes something like this: I'm feeling really disappointed about what happened. It shows us that we've got some things to sort out around how our D/s dynamic works when D/s conflicts with Life. What do we need to do here to make this right?

Which of those scenes reads best to you? To compare this situation with military call ups is stretching it - but even the military allows compassionate leave.

:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to akbarbarian)

RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 10:05:25 PM

Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian
so I told her "Just preface what you are going to say with the assurance that regardless of whatever the situation might be, you'll happily do what I decide" and that would keep me from feeling uneasy about making any decision about it. So she said that

You told her to say this and she did. Problem is, she apparently didn't really mean it. Instead of putting statements in her mouth, perhaps honest communication would work better. You say you didn't want to "feel uneasy" about making a decision so you just tell her to repeat the phrase you fed her. She just did as told. Things got off on the wrong foot, in my eyes, right here because you asked her to make a promise to "happily do what" you decide BEFORE you ever decided anything. How could she know whether or not she could "happily" do it? Therefore, she made a promise she apparently couldn't keep because that's what she saw was expected of her.

quote:

though on the 4th she made her promise about it to me to obey happily whichever option I chose

See above.

quote:

She says her family has been telling her she'd better attend because her grandpa is old and it's unclear how many birthdays he has left. She used to live with her grandpa before moving in with me two months ago. Her family lives around an hour away

Is this guilting her into coming? Sure. Does this happen often in families? Absolutely. The facts are the facts. He is old and he may NOT have another birthday to share with her. If she doesn't go, she may regret that for years to come. I can certainly understand her position. I don't know why you didn't go with her, frankly. From some of your other posts here, it really seems like you were more interested in "saving face" with this new-found kin of yours than in doing what may have been best for both your slave and you (insofar as doing the right thing in her family's eyes). Making her choose between their desires and yours may not work out real well for you at this early juncture in your relationship. Just a thought.......slave luci

I wasn't invited to her grandpa's party. Your point about communication style is good however. I am fully willing to throw out any details about what I wanted her to do, because it's M/s, that shouldn't matter. I wanted her to collect some pet rocks for me. That's my perrogative. Even if I invited her to overstate her obedience, it shouldn't be very overstatable due to the fact that she's expected to obey regardless. When I talked about it, the point I made wasn't whether she would obey it was whether she would do it happily and without whining about my decision. I never thought she would disobey at any point.

_____________________________

Out and proud as a dominant male
United we stand!
Also:Not a service top!
Heretic of Gor

(in reply to slaveluci)

RE: Being loyal to your word - 7/7/2007 10:07:55 PM

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

Let's step back a moment and look at what I was asking to begin with, or rephrase it.
1) Is this a breakdown of the M/s dynamic?
2) Is discipline indicated?
3) If discipline is indicated, what kind?

I think by talking about how we're all human beings with family (and ooooh it's a RELATIONSHIP and we all have these FEELINGS) sidesteps the issue that this is a serious M/s dymanic at stake. If the military calls you to service, do you go party with your old grandpa? The urgency of my needs versus hers isn't even the point to me here, it's accountability and dependability at stake.

1. in my opinion, no. she was going on information she was given by her mother, and was told she would have plenty of time.

2. i dont know about discipline. seriously. do the two of you need to have a long discussion about priorities, and where your place should be in her life? yes. does she need some adjustment in her coping skills when she is decived/misled by her family, and that leads to displeasing you/breaking promises? yes.

3. if there is punishment to be meted out, perhaps an essay on how she needs to respond to her family? or what she should do when she's deliberately given misinformation that leads her to displeasing you?

yes its a relationship. its just not a vanilla one. the M/s colors every last bit of it, and that is what is offended at this point.

believe me, i DO understand. i'm in much the same situation, but my family difficulties are my husband and not a mother. wolf knows i'm with Sir. he's happy i'm happy....as long as it doesnt affect him ANY at all. and that includes him seeing any evidence of Sir's presence in my life.

kitten, who bites her tongue a lot, and blithely ignores a lot of the idiocy which comes from her husband's mouth, because he knows he's loved as much as Sir is....

(in reply to akbarbarian)

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