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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/24/2007 9:49:49 PM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

In other words, you feel I am mistaken and driven by unrealistic, naive ideals when expecting a higher standard of principle and behavior from a Dominant individual in the lifestyle?

Uh yeah. Seen it, done it, got the T shirt.

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/24/2007 11:49:38 PM

Kinkypupper

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Its exactly lake a school yard, with no rules and less sence.

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/24/2007 11:51:48 PM

Jhin

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Joined: 11/19/2006
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quote:

In other words, you feel I am mistaken and driven by unrealistic, naive ideals when expecting a higher standard of principle and behavior from a Dominant individual in the lifestyle?

Higher standard of Principle?

wait when did a standard of principle come into play? shouldn't we get THAT first?

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 3:04:15 AM

Jayxkes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tr8nmyholes

Just a quick question about what is deemed appropriate behavior between Doms/Masters and whethere there is any type of etiquette that is commonly observed or expected.

Just that which would be applied in any social setting.

quote:

I am brand-spanking-new to CM and actually did meet a local Dom for coffee last night. He is new to CM himself, but certainly not to the lifestyle of BDSM. Let's also say that coffee was not the only thing that was served up hot last night.

Today, I receive emails from a Dom whom I have never communicated with before, warning me to stay away from the Dom I met in person last night. When requesting that he substantiate his 'friendly warning' and allegation, he simply failed to respond further. So, I am left with the impression that I am looking at a petty case of bad-mouthing someone that he did not even know.

This happens alot online, regardless of the type of site it is on, vanilla, bdsm, photography etc. etc. etc.
Whatever is said and however it's phrased, it's an offer of advice. If it has been qualified then consider it and either accept it or dismiss it.

There is no rule book that everyone into BDSM lives by! Dominants do not have to pass some exam before they become doms. Though you will find people who would have us all believe that there are strict rules that everyone abides by. Believe that at your peril!
People into BDSM are simply that, PEOPLE who happen to be into BDSM. We display the same strengths and frailties as any other group.

quote:

How common and how acceptable is this type of bad-mouthing behavior amongst Doms/Masters on CM?

Personally, I found it rather reminiscant of the highschool yard.

There's no way of knowing how common it is. In my experience, very few find bad mouthing acceptable, though it is more acceptable when it is actually advice based on fact.

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 5:54:51 AM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeart

Sorry if I've missed something in this thread, but it seems to me that the whole question would not have arisen had you acted with correct etiquette in the first place. The second Dom only found out about the one you were meeting because you named him in your Journal and in another part of this forum, if I've understood what you said correctly. You say you are "out" so that's not a problem. But it IS a problem. You don't know the other person's circumstances, and it is indiscrete to post like that without their prior permission (I don't know the exact circumstances, so if I'm wrong in my interpretation I apologise)

In BDSM you can never be too discrete - and that's etiquette whether you are Master or sub

:))
LH

Yeah... but that's ok.. because we in the lifestyle only expect Dominants to live to a higher standard... and not lowly submissives

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 6:51:33 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PAcpllooking

Yes there is an etiquette that should be followed.
If he is alone Dom to Dom its the typical handshake thing.
If he is with a sub::
First off do not extend a hand or attempt to touch or talk to another Doms Sub. Talk to the Dom and let his sub react to you. The sub may be under restrictions and you may get them introuble if you make such a gesture and she responds. In some cases even is you touch them without them letting you they can be in trouble.
Never communicate directly with his sub without permission
Respect how he treats his sub no matter how he does
Dont ask the sub for anything unless it is offered by the Dom
Respect the fact that the sub may not look you in the eye
Focus on the dynamic between them and respect it
Always err on the side of conservatisim when not sure how to interact with a Doms sub.
I have seen Doms bad mouth other Doms, hell I have been on the receiving side of that and your right it is highschool stuff and to me a sign of weakness. If he has to bad mouth someone in the hopes of bagging a sub then he must not be very secure.

It seems like today it is more a social event and everyone just hugs and kisses all over the place. My slave is under strict orders not to let anyone touch her or to look into another Doms eye unless I approve it. That also means other subs touching her also.

William

I've heard of couples having that protocol in place and I really wish they just had a big sign around the subs neck saying "don't touch me" because when you are in a social situation general social protocols dictate saying hi to someone and shaking their hand.

So if you are going to have your sub act anti social based on your orders and expect everyone to know it, some sort of sign would be nice.

C~

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 7:25:46 AM

tr8nmyholes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

FUCK YEAH!!! Why should one expect some sort of Higher Standard of Principle and Behavior from a Dominant and not a submissive.

SHIT..... polite behavior looks good on anyone.. rude behavior looks bad on anyone.

Exactly my point! It is not from submissives that I see rude behavior and name-calling of other submissives, but it is name-calling of other Doms and rude behaviors that I do see from Doms.

So from that perspective, between the Doms/Masters and subs/slaves that I have met here, the subs/slaves win by a huge margin when it comes to courtesy, manners, respect and etiquette.

Thank you for fortifying my point!

< Message edited by tr8nmyholes -- 7/25/2007 7:33:00 AM >

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 7:31:57 AM

tr8nmyholes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeart

Sorry if I've missed something in this thread, but it seems to me that the whole question would not have arisen had you acted with correct etiquette in the first place. The second Dom only found out about the one you were meeting because you named him in your Journal and in another part of this forum, if I've understood what you said correctly. You say you are "out" so that's not a problem. But it IS a problem. You don't know the other person's circumstances, and it is indiscrete to post like that without their prior permission (I don't know the exact circumstances, so if I'm wrong in my interpretation I apologise)

In BDSM you can never be too discrete - and that's etiquette whether you are Master or sub

Your points would be very well taken if they included the entire context of the situation.

1) I never was as indiscrete as to even divulge the name of the Master in question.
2) I only began asking this question after said Master failed to substantiate his allegations and claims. Hence, he conducted a drive-by slanderous act without having the intellectual or testicular fortitude of backing up his claims.

I also do appreciate your post, since you are clearly stating, and the others that are backing your opinion are verifying, that there is and expectation of etiquette in this venue from at least a protion of its participants!

(in reply to LadyHeart)

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 8:12:46 AM

PAcpllooking

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Any decent relationship in which a master puts social restrictions on a slave also ensures that other parties are informed of such restrictions- thus avoiding the other person feeling involved in a dynamic they did not consent to and avoiding awkwardness for the slave as well. It's usually best to just hang a sign around their neck.

I dont agree. I believe it is everyones responsiblity to understand that in this lifestyle there may be restrictions placed on someone and until you are sure what the restrictions are you respect the other persons space. As far as informing everyone, ever go to a large event where there may be hundreds of people you dont know? Kind of hard to inform everyone. As far as hanging a sign around her neck, that sounds to me like a flippant remark. If people today would be respectful and understand that there are such things as restrictions and respects anothers Doms postion in their relationship then they should not invade someones space.

To the OP, realize that these rules are pretty much NOT at all how people act except in very small groups of people who are all informed and desiring of such rules. 99% of the time, we act just like any vanilla group does and the same manners and etiquette should be obeyed.

And that is my point on the lifestyle today, people act like it is a vanilla setting when at the same time they profess they dont live a vanilla lifestyle. I feel this is why so many are confused, cant find partners, get harrassed by Doms who act like jerks and get frustrated with it all. Like I said in my orignal post, UNTIL you get to know someone you should be respectful of how other people act and dont assume.

To William, does she just always look down then to make sure she doesn't look at a switch? Is she not allowed to go to work where not making eye contact would be a problem? What about family members? Do you have to ask if they are a dominant before you give permission?

Once again, as I said, when we are at an event or a party where we do not know the people she is under these restrictions. Why is it when ever someone outlines something someone takes it to the extreme? Of course not, to all your examples. Why? Because first off we do not advertise our lifestyle to those outside the lifestyle and lets be real honest here and based in reality. she couldnt function in the outside world now could she?
Once we know people and they are ok in my eyes I will lift restrictions as I see fit.

William

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 8:15:34 AM

PAcpllooking

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John

P.S. - It's quite common for folks to hug people they know, and to make others feel welcome. I sincerely hope you did not misconstrue anything like that.
[/quote]

No no at all. Once we know someone its fine. Its strangers that I am talking about.
William

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 8:17:18 AM

PAcpllooking

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I do not doubt that somewhere there is a real time group that has these protocols. But I'm sure not aware of them.

So I'm curious as to where you got them?

John

Hi John

Where I got what?

William

[/quote]

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 8:45:20 AM

Wildfleurs

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PAcpllooking

And that is my point on the lifestyle today, people act like it is a vanilla setting when at the same time they profess they dont live a vanilla lifestyle. I feel this is why so many are confused, cant find partners, get harrassed by Doms who act like jerks and get frustrated with it all. Like I said in my orignal post, UNTIL you get to know someone you should be respectful of how other people act and dont assume.

I don't live a lifestyle, I live my life with my owner not with every single person that I say hello to at a BDSM event. So for all purposes I relate to people as I was raised to by my mother (I noticed on this thread that I'm not the only person that was made to read Emily Post apparently) with every single person on the planet except for my owner (or the occasional person that he tells me to relate to a particular way), and I don't expect anything other than basic (vanilla) politeness and I don't give anything more than basic (vanilla) politeness.

And BTW... no confusion, fustration, or inability to find my place with my owner for me.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 9:15:27 AM

KatyLied

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quote:

In my eyes, a Dom/Master is in a position of dictating respect not becuase they call themselves such, but because of their innate 'honorable' behavior that stems from hlding themselves to higher principles and standards

What? Where did you get this idea?

oops, in reply to the op, btw

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 9:48:04 AM

Emperor1956

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Was anyone else bothered by the OP's naming someone in her journal the day after her wonderful experience? I guess this is part of the new TMI, and once again, I'm just a bit too old and staid to be hip. But I sort of liked it in the old days, when there was mystery in the world, or if not mystery, at least I didn't have to confront the sexual cavorting, or bodily functions or medical histories of complete strangers.

Someone should post, in large neon letters: "ITS NOT ALWAYS ALL ABOUT YOU"

E.

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"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 10:04:17 AM

chellekitty

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FR to the OP...
you did infact tell the whole collarme community who you had coffe or whatever with and how it made you feel, in the previously mentioned post on the Introduction Board...i would have sent this to you in a private email but your profile seems not to be able to be found...

and as you seem to be looking for it...heres a clue...dominants are human and make mistakes, engage in jealous behavior and once in a while do something knowingly outright rude, heck the might even one day come across one or two who will tell you that they did and will do it again in the future...i have been honored to know a few and they have my respect...not because of a station in life but because they are honest and trustworthy...

chelle

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 10:06:31 AM

chellekitty

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

Someone should post, in large neon letters: "ITS NOT ALWAYS ALL ABOUT YOU"

but myyyyy Daddy did say its alllllll about me and the rest of the people who don't know that can piss off (ok so i added the second half but he would have if i hadn't put the gag back in his mouth)....(silly sarcasm...since the tone doesn't get applied to typed words)

chelle

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 10:23:37 AM

KatyLied

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tmi, overshare, whatever you want to call it, I consider it lacking in appropriate boundaries.

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 12:37:46 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tr8nmyholes

Exactly my point! It is not from submissives that I see rude behavior and name-calling of other submissives, but it is name-calling of other Doms and rude behaviors that I do see from Doms.

Give it two weeks on CM. Subs are just as badly behaved. Subs/slaves just generally tend to hide it behind cattyness. You've got your "I'm more submissive than you" kind, the "You aren't really a slave" kind, the "I suffer so much that I'm a twuer slave" kind. People in the lifestyle are just that -people. Some are nicer than others. Ignore the bad apples and make friends where you can, just the same as you would with any other group of people.

quote:

So from that perspective, between the Doms/Masters and subs/slaves that I have met here, the subs/slaves win by a huge margin when it comes to courtesy, manners, respect and etiquette.

Like I said... give it time. You'll see through the fake manners. I'm not in any way saying that all the subs/slaves are rude - just that we aren't any better than the dominants.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 7/25/2007 12:38:28 PM >

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 12:40:43 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tr8nmyholes

I also do appreciate your post, since you are clearly stating, and the others that are backing your opinion are verifying, that there is and expectation of etiquette in this venue from at least a protion of its participants!

It's etiquette because it's needed, not because it's polite. Don't know if anyone's told you but being outted can really fuck up your life. It's like keeping your hands off the dancers in a strip joint. The rule is there for a practical purpose, not to show respect.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

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RE: "Etiquette" between Masters (?) - 7/25/2007 12:40:54 PM

PAcpllooking

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Its interesting that this thread was about etiquette between Masters adn when I post what is the etiquette I am pretty much told in so many words that I am restrictive and should hang a sign around my slaves neck. There were a few Emily Posts mentions and a lot of vanilla referalls.
This is not a vanilla site and this is not a vanilla thread. What I outlined is what anyone should at leasat understand so that if they get into a situation where a sub doesnt act like a vanilla person when meeting someone then they need to respect the other persons reaction or non reaction as the case may be.
We all have to be open minded and understand that just because you may think one way doesnt mean everyone else does. We all should respect others way of doing things.
If you think its ok to hug, kiss, shake hands or anything else thats fine with me just dont be offended if someone else doesnt respond to you in the same manner adn dont force what you think is ok on someone else.
Just remember that this was a thread on Etiquette between Masters and quite frankly subs or slaves dont understand a lot of what goes on between Masters in certain settings just like no matter how good a Master is we dont know all the little nuiances that go on between subs.

William

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