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ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta

Training requires a commitment, so to speak to follow through various tasks. He is asked to build an altar not to worship so much as a daily point of focus. Now you’re thinking how can he so this with a family, right? An altar is simple a place in his home or office that he keeps fresh flowers and maybe a candle. Nothing metaphysical but a place he must look at daily and close his eyes to repeat (to himself) a short incantation. He is also given other task and taught various lessons in manners, massage, adoration, respect for women and even his diet. Mike has been overweight and not as healthy as he should be due to life’s stresses. He follows the lessons and he is also rewarded with the ability to safely and discreetly explore his fantasies in a cerebral and non-threatening capacity. He is asked to practice and perform simple acts of adoration for his wife. He can still feel the balance of being owned, his fantasy and yet it integrates with his existing lifestyle. Within a few months Mike feels better about himself and his relationship with his wife has become enhanced. Maybe not to the point where he can confess his submissive needs but in his daily actions.
 
I’ve seen positive results from this.

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ORIGINAL: hereyesruponyou

Have you thought how you will feel if the wife becomes aware and it has a negative impact at that point??? just curious

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ORIGINAL: earthycouple

I'd be cool with it if wifeypoo knew why she was getting all that cool attention and seeing his changes.  He, in my opinion, should have been honest with himself long ago. As it stands now, he might be honest to his submissive needs and wants but not to his wife.  How fair is he to her in lying, sneaking, and hiding?  No matter what the benefit to me, I'd be pissed when I caught my husband.

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ORIGINAL: earthycouple

I think I'd still be pissed about the whole not talking to me thing.  I would worry that discretion isn't always as discreet as it should be.  She could find out about you in a multitude of ways that would hurt her more (I'd think) than if he'd gone to her.

As for cheating....I did that when I was younger...teens very early 20's younger I mean.  Before I realized I could have a whole life of poly and be happy in it.  I never wanted to leave anyone over it.  I just wanted what I wanted and got it the wrong ways.  There was no getting it out of my system.  I'm poly.  That's who I am.  Today I am very honest in my poly.

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ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta

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ORIGINAL: earthycouple

I think I'd still be pissed about the whole not talking to me thing.  I would worry that discretion isn't always as discreet as it should be.  She could find out about you in a multitude of ways that would hurt her more (I'd think) than if he'd gone to her.

As for cheating....I did that when I was younger...teens very early 20's younger I mean.  Before I realized I could have a whole life of poly and be happy in it.  I never wanted to leave anyone over it.  I just wanted what I wanted and got it the wrong ways.  There was no getting it out of my system.  I'm poly.  That's who I am.  Today I am very honest in my poly.

You’re very lucky to have known and discovered your sexuality. The moral majority is taught that to shadow darkness on sex in general and our society breeds unhealthy views towards sex, especially kinky sex. Imagine when you were first embarking on your journey and how conflicted you felt feeling that what you were doing wasn’t right? I know I battled with it when I was younger and often thought about the white picket dream and abandoning my hidden fantasies because I thought they were wrong and would lead me down an inescapable path of ruin.

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ORIGINAL: earthycouple
Oh I abandoned for a bit too.  It was horrible.  I was the most miserable I've ever been which is why when I found my husband I made sure he knew who I am and what I need up front.  So I could remain upfront, faithful and still be me.  It works well for us...but there was a marriage where it wasn't like that.  I didn't cheat on him...wanted to, but our marriage ended for a variety of reasons...not because one of us wasn't faithful.  I came into my own about who I am, fully, around age 23...though I've been engaging in various forms of this lifestyle for about 13 years now.  It is only today (in the last 5 years) that I've finally totally come to terms with who I am, who I want to be and how to get there.

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ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Dianna, to play off of what earthycouple brought up, do you ever ask these men to tell their spouses? Do you encourage them to do that?

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ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta

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ORIGINAL: earthycouple
Oh I abandoned for a bit too.  It was horrible.  I was the most miserable I've ever been which is why when I found my husband I made sure he knew who I am and what I need up front.  So I could remain upfront, faithful and still be me.  It works well for us...but there was a marriage where it wasn't like that.  I didn't cheat on him...wanted to, but our marriage ended for a variety of reasons...not because one of us wasn't faithful.  I came into my own about who I am, fully, around age 23...though I've been engaging in various forms of this lifestyle for about 13 years now.  It is only today (in the last 5 years) that I've finally totally come to terms with who I am, who I want to be and how to get there.

You are a very courageous woman. I can tell from all of your post.
 
Lets say those “other” reasons didn’t happen and you couldn’t share them with him because you knew it risked your marriage. That generally you were happy with your life and partner but harbored fantasies. Would you have eventually risked it and told him or kept them to yourself never realizing them?

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ORIGINAL: chuckra

i have follewed this strain with much interest as i am one of those married men of whom Yyou Aall have been writing about. i may not provide any insights, but perhaps my story will shed some light on what motivates some of us.

First, let me say that if i had had the opportunity to know about BDSM several years ago before i was married i would not have chosen to walk the path i have walked. However, i always had the fantasies, but never the words to put to them to describe them (BDSM). After 25 years of marriage i discovered the words, talked to Oothers Wwho knew what i was talking about, and began dabbling in it. i knew i had found me. i had talked about these desires of mine with my wife early in my marriage, but she refused to accept or pursue them. In fact, a few years ago she discovered some of my toys and threw them away rather then seeing how she could use them to her advantage. She is very closed to anythinig other than tradition sex - which, by the way, we have not practiced for several years.

Relationships are too concoluted to explain them in a simple way. i was raised with the tradition of a committment is a committment. my marital relationship has, as i am sure many of you have guessed by now, been very stormy, very up and down. my wife is not an ogre, and really do not want to hurt her. Yet, if i do not pursue the BDSM in me, then i will be hurting myself.

This month i will be moving out of state and we will have a commuter marriage. i see this as a positive thing for our relationship. i do plan on pursuing my BDSM needs as i need them badly. i do believe that this will only help my relationship with my wife as my deep seeded need will be met. i have no intention or desire for a romantic relationship, yet i know i will be very close to the Mistress i will find to serve.

i have to finish quickly as i am in a library and my time has expired i will answer questions or give responses later - maybe even add more.

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ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Ok, here's a great lesson in never say never..........
 
Right now, I have a married male who has been a casual play partner a couple of times.  Let Me be very clear about two things.  The first of which is there is no sex involved.  Not even the strap on variety (yet) or any other sexual contact in any way.  The second is this is the only male who has ever been able to live up to My requirements concerning his wife being fully aware of his activities.  Yes, I talked to her, and even though she was a bit squeemish about the conversation, she acknowledged her husbands need for this and gave her consent.  She has every invitation to talk to Me, or ask any questions that she would like.  There is nothing to hide, and I've made it known that she can contact Me at anytime.
 
That being said, I don't think I would ever consider him My sub.  A well matched bottom for My kink, perhaps, but I don't forsee anything beyond that.  He is fully aware that I will still be searching for a submissive of My own, and in the meantime, he is just a play partner.  It fits Me, it fits him, and the wife has no objection.  I like to inflict pain and be served.  He enjoys receiving pain and serving.  It's a good Top/bottom fit.
 
Would I continue if I thought it would harm his marriage in any way?  No, I wouldn't, and in ways, I hope it brings benefits, such as described by Diana above.