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ProudSub - 6/23/2004 7:12:59 AM

Posts: 30
Joined: 6/20/2004
Status: offline

Thank you so much for the link...I had read it earlier and it reminded me of several things why my CPM is not really a CPM..

He wanted be to agree to let him do whatever he wanted without my consent...It was always what he wanted irregardless of how I felt.........There were NEVER safe words...I have screamed no to the point that I had to threaten to call the police before he stopped. When I would scream no, he would get mad at me and told me he could do whatever he want without having to be stopped...He finally did when I finally threaten to call the police and was serious about it.

This was clearly a guy who did not care to well..use common sense. He didn't bother to talk to other Doms, look at sites with me or try to learn more about the D/S relationship. Basically..he just made the rules up as he went along....Outside of D/S...this is someone who needs counselng.

When I talked to him, he said I had to "learn my place as a Slave" and that he was allowed to abuse me however he wanted without my objection....I have a problem with that...abuse is abuse irregardless the type of the relationship....

(in reply to ravenblade)

RE: ProudSub - 6/23/2004 9:12:57 AM

Posts: 765
Joined: 5/10/2004
From: New Castle, PA
Status: offline

this guy wouldnt happen to be moving to Pennsylvania for a new job would he? some of the things you said struck a resonant chord with the actions of another 'dom' that had been discussed on another thread. and this 'dom' was from Texas but moving to PA - just curious to know if possibly the same guy.

_____________________________

Apply Usual Caveats Here

An expert is somone who has made all the mistakes there are to be made

(in reply to ravenblade)

RE: Relax, ravenblade - 6/23/2004 3:00:17 PM

Posts: 22
Joined: 6/7/2004
From: Brampton, Ontario
Status: offline

Ravenblae

As I have read here...learn what you are about...what you want and then seek it. To thy own self be true......... Your true master is out there and yu need to seek him. A;so try adding to your profile what intersts you have and desire... Be patient and keep looking...... and get rid of the couch potatoe...:)

(in reply to January)

RE: Relax, ravenblade - 6/23/2004 3:12:16 PM

Posts: 30
Joined: 6/20/2004
Status: offline

CPM is mashed potatoes now...LOL

I'll spend tonight and concentrate on what to write in my profile/interests....Not sure if I'm ready for a D/S relationship yet...given well..haven't really had one...LOL....

I know that I am not ready to jump into one and want to learn as much as I can so I can fully understand what is and would be expected of me and vice versa.....

(in reply to IWantYou)

RE: Relax, ravenblade - 6/23/2004 3:15:32 PM

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

I'll spend tonight and concentrate on what to write in my profile/interests....Not sure if I'm ready for a D/S relationship yet...given well..haven't really had one...LOL....

I know that I am not ready to jump into one and want to learn as much as I can so I can fully understand what is and would be expected of me and vice versa.....

That sounds very wise to me ravenblade. I think you really need to figure out what you want before seeking another relationship.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to ravenblade)

RE: Relax, ravenblade - 6/23/2004 3:21:12 PM

Posts: 30
Joined: 6/20/2004
Status: offline

What is disappointing was that I had to be introduced to the lifestyle by someone who was just looking for an excuse to commit abuse not genuinely live the D/S lifestyle.

But at the same time...It was a blessing because if it was for the mashed potato, I wouldn't have discovered this part of myself....So we can say he actually did do something write however moronic he was....

I want the next relationship to be the real thing and not someone out looking for a way to be abusive and controlling....He had a serious of bad relationship and just the impressions I'm getting...I think he was looking for a way to get back at the women in his life...

(in reply to proudsub)

RE: Relax, ravenblade - 6/23/2004 6:27:03 PM

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I'll spend tonight and concentrate on what to write in my profile/interests....Not sure if I'm ready for a D/S relationship yet...given well..haven't really had one...LOL....

From the perspective of somebody who did statistical performance analysis on computer systems for a living, I would venture to mention that your sampling size (one) is rather small.

One CPM experience does not mean that all BDSM activities should be considered suspect. What I would recommend is you take some time to learn how this person lives their life before picking out floggers.

My opinion, could be wrong.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to ravenblade)

RE: Relax, ravenblade - 6/23/2004 6:28:33 PM

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Joined: 4/26/2004
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And before anybody asks...

Yes, I do teach women's full contact self-defense.

Yes, I was a computer engineer from 1981 to 2002.

And yes, I make more money driving a tractor in a big circle down in the harbor, so I
stopped looking for another computer gig.

Enjoy your evening!

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to Sinergy)

CPM - 6/25/2004 5:59:27 AM

Posts: 205
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Utah
Status: offline

It may indeed be true that you and your Master are mismatched and all the earlier sentiments are true.

However it could also be you have what is called "subbie fever".

Subbie fever is a slang term that refers to someone just discovering their submission/masochism who wants all their fantasies. desires and curiosities lived out RIGHT NOW! Instead of actually submitting they tend to take a "Dominate me like this!" stance.

This can be very frustrating for an inexperienced Dom/me as no matter what they do...the sub DEMANDS more. Constant criticism and demands for performance can suck all the fun out of play and the Dom/me can lose the desire to play with that sub. Afterall a scene is supposed to be fun for both parties, not just the sub. (Or vice versa)

Therefore I pose the following question for you to think about: Are you submitting to his needs and desires, or are you trying to force/bait him into meeting yours?

Ms Sandi

_____________________________

"The Masochist desires to experience stronger sensations, but desires that it should be inflicted with Love. The Sadist desires to inflict stronger sensations, but desires that it should be felt as Love" Havelock Ellis The Project Gutenberg

(in reply to Sinergy)

RE: CPM - 6/25/2004 7:56:20 AM

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

Sandi,

Great observation, I was thinking the same thing, but didn't know how to put it out there.

raven,

obviously I'm in no position to contridict what you say about your former owner/lover/whateverhewas but if I had a nickle for every time I heard an angry submissive call her former owner 'abusive' and rant about how the lifestyle is about love and mutual respect, etc etc, I would have enough to buy my own live slave from the black market (not that I would.)

Abuse IS wrong. Identifying abuse IS important. A dominant who doesn't meet 100% of his subs needs 100% of the time is not necessarily abusive, though! If he feels that an M/s relationship consists of his 'right' to treat you in whatever fashion he wishes - then that's his take on it. If you don't like the terms he sets - you don't have to play by them. If you agree to his terms, and then later cry foul because you got hurt, knowing full well that he said there were 'no limits' then you have only yourself to blame for this error in judgement. This doesn't make him a bad Dom per se, nor you a bad sub/slave - its one of those things that comes with experience. This is why communication before the relationship/collar/committment is absolutely vital. In any event, it sounds like you've taken your bumps on the chin so to speak, and instead of dwelling on the events that took place, moving on a little slower might be the way to go here.

Best of luck, and please take my comments at the value they are offered - as just my opinion, nothing more or less.

Stephan

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to UtahGoddess)

RE: Have outgrown - 6/25/2004 10:28:11 AM

Posts: 127
Joined: 4/28/2004
From: Delaware
Status: offline

Sure it would be easy to let a 'real true' master teach it to you......but what good would that do?

Do your OWN research, search your OWN soul......put the hard work into it before you end up really hurt.

The isn't necessarily on the job training.....first you must do your own 'training' to hopefully realize where you even fit.

I'm a little confused about something you said earlier in the thread.....

quote:

I know that I'm very strong willed and I've begged him on my hands and knees many times to break me so I can serve him but he seemed to get the thrill for a few minutes then loses interest....It really becomes disappointing when I find myself dominating him instead..

quote:

When I began my service with him it was with high hopes that he will punish and pleasure me and teach me how to be a good slave.....

Break you how? he cannot make you what you do not wish to become. And interestingly enough, it seems to be all about you. "I want him to break me, I want him to punish me, I want him to pleasure me" and on and on.....I saw not one thing about what you do for him....how you make his life easier....only how you make demands...and threats.

Though I don't know him, it seems any attempt he made to dominate you was met with the "controlling abuse" card.

Sounds like it's really time for you to stop and think things through....to see if this lifestyle is even for you....before you run headlong into it....

indi

(in reply to ravenblade)

RE: Disappointed with Couch Potato Master - 6/25/2004 10:49:57 AM

Posts: 203
Joined: 3/23/2004
Status: offline

Not surprisingly, I've seen this sort of thing a lot. I think a lot of people talk a lot in fantasy mode, convinced they are what they think they are, but when it comes time to actually producing, they refuse to admit to themselves that they are not what they purport to be.

I've seen this thing from submissives as well. I remember a long time ago before a previous Mistress decided to take ownership over me, she grew so frustrated at submissives who claimed to be much more submissive than they really were. They were pursuing fantasies of what they perceived submission to be, and reality had a hard time fitting in with the fantasy life. When she finally realized this (and this was a woman who was not new to the lifestyle by ANY stretch of the imagination), she noticed I had always been there doing what I was told and what I anticipated she would want rather than play games to achieve some "other" dynamic. That was why she took ownership of me at that time.

I can see this happening with a dominant individual as well. I remember one of my female submissive friends was always trying to get me to top her (it was kind of a running joke between us for a long time), and when she finally manipulated me enough into doing it, I would have to admit that it was a lot funnier than sexual, sensual or D/s-related. She said it was great, but I had such a hard time participating as a dominant in this situation until I realized it wasn't a relationship we were building here but a moment of enjoyment, so it worked out so much better. If I had been some guy who was pretending to be dominant because I was going to orchestrate a relationship, it would have been a miserable experience for that poor woman. Instead, it was fun for her, and I got my "service" rocks off while she got her "slavery" rocks off (for lack of better terminology).

_____________________________

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...
...teach a man to fish, he steals your fishing hole and then charges you for the fish.

(in reply to ravenblade)

RE: Disappointed with Couch Potato Master - 6/25/2004 6:16:34 PM

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

Hello,

I had a thought on this topic. While this posting was about a valid topic of discussion, I personally would have preferred to see it without the "I blah" and the perjorative term Couch Potato Master.

Lets say that hypothetically the relationships is patched up and I happen to meet this person in real life. He/She/It will be forever linked in my brain to the term Couch Potato Master.

It shows a lot of disrespect to put other people down without giving them the opportunity to respond, imho.

Just me, could be wrong.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to sarbonn)

RE: Disappointed with Couch Potato Master - 6/29/2004 8:34:05 AM

Posts: 30
Joined: 6/20/2004
Status: offline

Trust me, no fantasy here. It was pure abuse. I was not allowed to contact my family and told to cut off all contact...and without giving out much personal detail; there was complete disregard to my safety.

There was no consensual agreements in anything.

It was abuse not fantasy.

The biggest mistake in any lifestyle is to allow the abuser credit. You're right..maybe this isn't a lifestyle for me if domestic violence is allowed. If that is the case with this lifestyle than I don't want to be a part of it or this board and will discontinue my membership. I came here to learn the true meaning of BDSM...but if domestic abuse is part of it..then I will not be a part of it..It's like saying if you're married, the husband has a right to beat the wife and it's her fault.Abuse is abuse no matter what when it's not consensual and what happen wasn't consensual or a D/S relationship.

I guess if a wife or woman gets beaten than it's her fault and she should just take it??

I would be very very stupid to not be careful of going into any relationship without care and thought...Domestic Violence is a reality and something that Sinergy I think if you would be aware of...No matter what the lifestyle is ...there are predators everywhere...

The CPM portrayed himself to be a caring person but in reality behind closed doors it wasn't...Yes I found myself dominating him but then he woudl become angry and turn it against me. It was not a healthy relationship.

This man has never had a BDSM relationship. Do you know what it's like to be threaten with legal action if you told anyone what had happen to you..Is this what a normal BDSM relationship is like??

If being in BDSM is to be in constant fear than no thank you..you're right..I don't need to be in this lifestyle...

I came here to learn the truth of what BDSM was like..but if this is the truth..than I don't want a part in it...I don't condone abuse on any level, either to myself or others when it's non-consensual.

BDSM or not...bottom line I"m a human being and I'm trusting this person with my body and my life so yeah..I think I will be a little defensive if the relationship will hurt myself and this case a few others...for those who know me...they know what I mean.

If that means I will be better of being a DOM then hell yeah...I am not in the mood to become an abuse statistic. It would be an irreversible mistake abuse for BDSM.

I'm thirty years old..not 18, and I may be new but I think if something is wrong....It would be logically to find out...

Too many abuse victims continued to be abused because of misinformation and in this lifestyle it is VERY easy to confuse the two....From what I read in the links of what is abuse and what is BDSM...what he was doing is not BDSM most of the time...A fine line was crossed.

Although he sought reconciliation part of the terms of reconcilation was that I wanted to know what is really BDSM and what wasn't and nothing he said was BDSM.

I came here to make sure I was NOT getting myself into an ABUSIVE relationship. BDSM that is fine...but I am not going to let myself be mislead and permanetly or irrepairably harm by thinking ABUSE is BDSM.

< Message edited by ravenblade -- 6/29/2004 8:57:29 AM >

(in reply to Sinergy)

RE: CPM - 6/29/2004 9:07:11 AM

Posts: 30
Joined: 6/20/2004
Status: offline

Voltare,
I deeply appreciate your post ..it meant a lot!! Unfortunately there was never any agreement or communication...It was basically getting to the point I felt like a punching bag....and part of his ability to get away with it was my lack of knowledge of what BDSM was and wasn't...To be honest...I had no idea what was going on or what he wanted...

This was a man who didn't want to learn with me or talk to me...It was whatever mood he was in that was what it was. I could be rich for whenever I would dominant him only to pay for it later....It doesn't say much when a relationship resorts to walking on eggshells..Course I found out with good reason when he use my cellphone talking to a girl he swore to his family and friends was stalking him and after I caught him , he spent the rest of the time trying to explain how she got my cellphone which only him and my family had.

After he left the nasty (and it wasn't a nice nasty but a I will hurt you if you ever talk to anyone nasty).

We need to be very very careful that we are not condoing the actions of someone who is just plain abusive rather than living the lifestyle..there is a fine line and there are real abuse victims even among the BDSM who are allowing themselves and their lives being endangered because we are quick to judge others as an angry sub/dom/slave who is trying to just get back.

For all we know..there may be an abuse victim lurking in our boards right now...The way I see it...if it's not consensual to have the dickens beat out of you..that's not BDSM..that's abuse...

(in reply to Voltare)

Sorry but sensitive about the subject of Abuse - 6/29/2004 9:20:37 AM

Posts: 30
Joined: 6/20/2004
Status: offline

As much as I want a DOM to spank and tease and own me....I get hurt or someone I know gets hurt in connection...No more BDSM...it's all call the police and I get protective of either me or another fellow slave/sub being hurt in the process..At the sign of blood or real abuse, I'm not going to sit back and be all Ms.Submissive...and the tigar in me WILL come out and protect first and ask questions later..

I'm looking for a DOM with brains not an excuse to hurt and abuse...There are men and women out there that are like that...with this CPM..you know what..I much rather be wrong about him and still able to post here another day then to be right and in a hospital...

I want to make absolutely sure that what is going on is NOT ABUSE. If it is..I will file charges. If it isn't then hey...I had a loser who was just playing the scene and wasn't serious...

However I may not be lucky the next time so I need to make sure I KNOW what is going on...That's why no relationships, No DOMS, NO Slaves...nothing...I have a close friend whom I am helping who just got out of a domestic abuse situation...Neither she nor I have ever been in the BDSM scene...I care for her like a sister....but it would be hypocritical that I let myself get abused.

I'm sorry but I'm just very sensitive and passionate about the subject.

BTW..is there anyway to get rid of this thread...Lol..I am so tired of hearing about CPM...And if not can we talk about something else like what makes a good D/S relationship...CPM is officially MASH POTATOES. Like I told him...I respect myself too much to be a punching bag...if he pursues it...then it has to be consensual and no secret and I reinforce my right to use my baseball bat if I have to protect myself that way...

(in reply to ravenblade)

RE: Sorry but sensitive about the subject of Abuse - 6/29/2004 11:59:36 AM

Posts: 205
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Utah
Status: offline

raven,

You keep repeating "There is a fine line between BDSM and abuse." I cannot disagree more. It is not a small incidental act that swings the pendulum from BDSM to abuse. The line is not small....it is a chasm.

BDSM/Ds is (or should be) about mutual consent and betterment. The basic mantra repeated by/to it's participants are "safe, sane and consensual". Our relationships are based in mutual trust, mutual respect and mutual responsibility. Both partners (or more) are focussed on the betterment of themselves, each other and the union as a whole. The physical acts we perform on each other are intended to either bring pleasure or to correct unwanted behavior. But even with punishment, the intention is to make the sub better....not break them.

Abuse on the other hand is selfish, irresponsible temper tantrums by someone who is not in control of themselves. An abuser controls (badly) their environment from a place of fear. They systematically destroy their victim's self esteem, safety net (friends, family, etc), pride, dignity, etc......all the while selling the idea it is the victim's fault. There is no purpose or plan to the violence and psychological abuse except to create a desperate dependence in the victim for the abuser.

BDSM is NOT abuse.

Abuse is NOT BDSM.

It upsets me greatly to hear them equated. You are sounding off as though the lifestyle is the reason "why" you were abused. As if it is somehow the communitie's fault or responsibility. The reality is... you picked a partner that, regardless of his justification, was an out of control, emotionally immature, bully. You decided to remain in that relationship for whatever reason you decided to do so.....for however long you stayed.
With all the atrocities you have listed ...... you had to know it was abuse, regardless of what he told you it was.

I do not support or advocate abuse of any kind. If someone reading this is in an abusive relationship.....LEAVE. (Whatever it costs you to be free, it's worth it.) But do not preach to me that my lifestyle teaches and condones abuse or that I am somehow responsible for your condition ...... as you could not be further from the truth.

I hope you are safe and away from this person and that the scars you carry fade quickly. But I advise you to put off persuing D/s or BDSM until you have worked through the psychological damage done to you. If your sense of worth and self respect are left damaged, you will be unable to judge clearly when limits have been violated......and thus may repeat this cycle with the next partner.

Take some time to rediscover yourself. Regain your balance and security. Learn to love you. Please don't try to fix this with another relationship.

Good luck

Ms Sandi

_____________________________

"The Masochist desires to experience stronger sensations, but desires that it should be inflicted with Love. The Sadist desires to inflict stronger sensations, but desires that it should be felt as Love" Havelock Ellis The Project Gutenberg

(in reply to ravenblade)

RE: Sorry but sensitive about the subject of Abuse - 6/29/2004 12:00:25 PM

Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

hi Raven,

As far as *getting rid* of the string, why? It isn't a bad string and might help someone else. If you don't want to hear any more, or think about it anymore, then don't. Honestly though, I have debated enough and decided to comment on a small part of things you said, basically using this line:

quote:

I'm thirty years old..not 18, and I may be new but I think if something is wrong....It would be logically to find out...

You are correct, it is not only logical, it is safest, to *find out*. And since you aren't 18 any more, you know that you *chose* to start and to stay for the time you were there... that there was no gun to your head.

I have stayed out of this topic for the simple reason we are only hearing one side of the story. When the string started, you didn't speak of abuse, only of hating that he *caused* you to have to be the dominant in the situation. I have to admit, I can't figure out how you can both be the dominant AND unable to do things like contact your family.

I do not condone abuse. I also feel people should take responsibility for their own actions. Unless he had locks on the phones, kept you chained in the house. and didn't allow you near the computer, you had ways to contact people. You didn't seem to respect him as the dominant, and you have taken the dominant role for yourself at times . So,,,, doesn't that mean you are at least in part responsible for things that happened? If he was an abuser, where you not an enabler?

I admit it, I didn't respond because I get to frustrated with people who *seem* (and if this is not you, I apologize, just my perception) to want to totally blame the other party. Especially since you said you are new. So it wasn't long term mental abuse that made you feel you *deserved* mistreatment and it was all you were *worthy* of (the kind of treatment that turned a friend into a meth addict). But even she knows that she is as much at fault as her husband/dealer/abuser in the simple fact that she chooses the *easy* route of staying rather than the more difficult one of leaving.

It is clear you have gotten to the point that you are willing (and did) leave. So leave it behind you. Including the bitterness and anger. To dwell on them indefinitely will in time turn you bitter and angry, and leaves you less open to the possibility of a new and better relationship.

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to ravenblade)

RE: Sorry but sensitive about the subject of Abuse - 6/29/2004 12:02:14 PM

Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

::laughing:: I see we think a like Sandi.... And even post about the same time :)

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to UtahGoddess)

RE: Sorry but sensitive about the subject of Abuse - 6/29/2004 12:12:37 PM

Posts: 205
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Utah
Status: offline

Sandy,

I see the last few posts struck the same chord in both of us. Well, I am glad I am not the sole flamebait for the evening! <laffs>

Ms Sandi

<lacing my flame retardent corset>

_____________________________

"The Masochist desires to experience stronger sensations, but desires that it should be inflicted with Love. The Sadist desires to inflict stronger sensations, but desires that it should be felt as Love" Havelock Ellis The Project Gutenberg

(in reply to EStrict)

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