RE: Sorry but sensitive about the subject of Abuse

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RE: Sorry but sensitive about the subject of Abuse - 6/29/2004 12:21:13 PM

ravenblade

Posts: 30
Joined: 6/20/2004
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First I want to clarify that I do not pair bdsm or D/s with abuse...what was scaring me is that I was sorting out the facts and I felt that what was a problem on someone whose not even a master was being condone..and I did not want to feel that I was the one making the mistake of mistaking one thing after another..

The problem I had was that I had thought I had sorted out what was an unhealthy and bad relationship and up till now figure, okay fine...I left what could have been a potentially deadly relationship....

He was not living the lifestyle that was completely cleared....at the same time..I had a right to defend not myself but someone else who might have read my thread and IS going through an abusive relationship that was being disguised as BDSM...Although I'm new to the lifestyle at the same time I had enough brains to listen to my instincts...No I didn't want to mention the abuse because I felt that on this board I could ask questions openly without having to go into my life history...

The last thing I care to dwell on was a complete for a nicer work...jerk...who attempted to do something that I was not going to let him go...However as someone new to the lifestyle and COMPLETELY unaware of what was involved...I needed to make sure that my first experience was not an overreaction...

The danger here is that had I not known what he was doing was abuse and read some of the later posts, I could easily assume I was in the wrong and returned and went..Oh Master I'm sorry take my life...Unfortuantely...my choice was strengthen and I'm a better and happier person for it...

It's nice to know that there is a possiblity somewhere in teh WAY FUTURE for a healthier BDSM relationship than what I had....

One thing..I'm armed with information I didn't have before because until I posted I honestly was completely clueless...the way I saw it...he could do what he done and for all I could have known then..it woudl be okay..

The problem is that I chose to arm myself with knowledge first so I DON'T get myself into an even more dangerous predicament..

I much rather let myself and other people who maybe in the same situation still have the opportunity to post on these boards then be one of those who right now could be in a hospital or worse...

No one was at fault....and I'm not trying to blame anyone or equate anything..

Reality...there are real people who really don't know anything about BDSM...and like them..I had no clue other than what the loser was telling me and he honestly had no clue..He was just making things off his head..

STRONG POINT to underlliine...He has NEVER participated in BDSM...Neither have I...You have two people participating with both not knowing what the lifestyle other than what pop culture shows it to be is abuot...He admitted in a drunken phone call (I've had to change my damn phone numbers to stop him calling me) that he had based BDSM on a tv show he saw....This is how stupid he is...

He assumed that it's okay to commit abuse and call it BDSM...this is how much of a jerkwad he was...This is the same guy who wants to be with two girls just because he saw it on tv.

I came here to learn...as they say knowledge is power...and there are jerks like him who don't bother to learn and that's the problem..they just call themselves Doms and then think it's okay to try and beat the hell out of some girl or guy.They don't talk about consent or agreements and they don't post on these boards.

I came here to talk with others so I can be with people who are serious about BDSM and the lifestyle and not with people who just try to find an excuse to land someone in the hospital and then walk away and go..oh we were just practicing BDSM.

That relationship is over because I would not voluntarily live my life with a vanilla who would do that with me and I sure as well will not with someone who I can't trust and have to finally scream police.

There are very susceptible people new to the lifestyle and this is their only source of information...I live in a small town and no where near a big city..I definetely don't think they would cover this in church....

So can we all please please just drop the subject or keep the topic onto how to deal with someone who isn't practicing BDSM..

You don't know me no more than I know you....and unless you are with me...it's difficult to define whining between maybe someone looking for real information and not just small talk.

I want to make sure that I'm not going to end up in a morgue...sorry..I love life too much..and I want to make sure that I don't have any misconceptions about BDSM so I dont end up with another jerk who may end me up in a morgue. This one almost got away with too much because he knew I was clueless...the moment he knew I was posting and askign questions ...he got pissed..really pissed..he particularly got pissed knowing I was trying to learn what was abuse and what was BDSM...I'm sorry..in my book..that's definetely a sign of someone not practicing BDSM.

I have no clue to this lifestyle and right now..I'm trying to just seperate the muck from real information....

(in reply to EStrict)

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Changing the subject - 6/29/2004 12:28:35 PM

ravenblade

Posts: 30
Joined: 6/20/2004
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Sigh...lol..talk about running things down to death...to change the subject..going to post a new topic that we can run into the ground...LOL..It's called..what are good books to suggest for newbies and the clueless??

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RE: Sorry but sensitive about the subject of Abuse - 6/29/2004 12:45:51 PM

EStrict

Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
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Hi Raven, You said:

quote:

No one was at fault....and I'm not trying to blame anyone or equate anything..

Well, I guess we will just have to disagree here,, I see both of you at fault, but then that is just the way it appears to me.

quote:

Reality...there are real people who really don't know anything about BDSM...and like them..I had no clue other than what the loser was telling me and he honestly had no clue..He was just making things off his head..

Again, you are blaming him here, and should.... but you must take equal blame. As you mentioned earlier, you are not 18, yet you entered a relationship type you have no experience with and did not take the time and effort to actually LEARN first. Go through this board. Safety is SCREAMED through out.

quote:

STRONG POINT to underlliine...He has NEVER participated in BDSM...Neither have I...You have two people participating with both not knowing what the lifestyle other than what pop culture shows it to be is abuot...He admitted in a drunken phone call (I've had to change my damn phone numbers to stop him calling me) that he had based BDSM on a tv show he saw....This is how stupid he is...

Again, if someone (and this applies to you both) doesn't know anything about what they are doing, and *you* agree to play with them or attempt a more serious relationship, then you ARE to blame. Accept it or not, but it's a fact from my point of view.

And again, if you don't want to think about it, stop reading. But honestly, this string is great , because after over 3 pages of things like *I wonder if I should just become a dominant*, and eventually *it wasn't BDSM it was abuse*,, it teaches the most basic and valuable lesson. It doesn't matter if you are 18 or 30,,, if you are NEW to BDSM, take the time to *learn* before jumping into a physical relationship.

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

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RE: Sorry but sensitive about the subject of Abuse - 6/29/2004 1:03:51 PM

ravenblade

Posts: 30
Joined: 6/20/2004
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Not in the mood to try and discuss abuse with someone who hasn't been in or known someone in an abusive relationship.

This is too much blame the victim as well as the abuser..too many people haven been involved in abusive relationships and stayed for one reason another...

so basically...l to anyone who is or have been in an abusive relationship and reading this

Abuse is not your fault...Don't let anyone think it's your fault....You did nothing wrong..It's okay to speak out and to be strong no matter what....Don't think it's okay for what the abuser did....When you leave the relationship you have done the right thing and it was not your fault being in the relationship

Abusers do not wear big yellow signs saying I'm an abuser...it's slow and its subtle..in my case...I saw enough warning signs to get out before it was too late

Isolation is slow and subtle...

Don't listen to people who say it's an easy thing to leave an abusive relationship because they do not know what it's like..the hardest thing is knowing that you can and then doing...

I thought he was justified in not wanting to have any contact with my family or friends....I was helping a good friend of mine who was in abusive relationship and I didn't want to be battered like her...

Bruises and black eyes do not make a woman....

I could have been like her and so many other woman

What happen was not and will never be my fault...I will not accept blame because I did nothing wrong...and anyone who condones abuse and say that the victim is at fault has a serious problem or is abusive themself

If you are an abuse victim and you're reading this...realize you are NOT at Fault and you ARE NOT TO BLAME...Get ouf of the relationship...No ONE deserves to be treated less than what they are....

Get help and go to the police....

Do not think you were wrong or are wrong...

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RE: Disappointed with Couch Potato Master - 6/29/2004 1:47:21 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

Hello,

Sometimes things (which includes relationships) just do not work.

Attempting to place blame, to me, is a complete waste of time. I would suggest the only
thing to do is to end it and move on, then examine it to determine what can be done different
next time.

Just me, could be wrong.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

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RE: Sorry but sensitive about the subject of Abuse - 6/29/2004 1:47:21 PM

EStrict

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Joined: 1/11/2004
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Hi Raven,

You know,, I could quote things and go through your post on issue by issue *but* since I never said one thing you are try to pawn off on me, it would be pointless.

What I will say is if you want to speak with someone who understands abuse, I am sorry to say you have found them. Just because you don't like my views on it doesn't mean I do not know what I am talking about. Trust me, I have *rescued* more than one person *including* myself from abusive relationships.

There is NO WHERE in any of my posts that I condone abuse. But the more you write, the more I wonder. How can you say:

"Abusers do not wear big yellow signs saying I'm an abuser...it's slow and its subtle..in my case...I saw enough warning signs to get out before it was too late

Isolation is slow and subtle... "

Yet say you have *no blame* in the matter. Granted, I don't blame you for the abuse, but I don't understand why some one would get into a relationship without knowing anything about the other person *especially* a BDSM one and not be willing to accept at least part of the blame for things being so bad. Had you taken the time to get to know the man, and learn he knew NOTHING about the lifestyle, had dangerous misconceptions, and still got involved, then I would say you were 80% to blame. You didn't do that. But, you still entered a relationship with someone you didn't take the time to actually get to know, which in my book makes you partially responsible for the failure of the relationship.

I am not surprised you want this thread done. If you could step back, read EVERYTHING you wrote, and be honest in the way it looks, you might see what others do. So you know, there is NOTHING wrong to admitting you were wrong in getting into this at all without learning enough about each other. But to try to blame him 100% (or worse yet to say there is no one to blame as you did above), makes me wonder if you really learned enough from this experience to not repeat it in the future.

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

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RE: Sorry but sensitive about the subject of Abuse - 6/29/2004 2:45:31 PM

ModeratorThree

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I think this entire thread equates to this, if you don't kow how to swim you don't jump in the ocean.

When you are trying to learn about something .... you learn.

Try reading awhile and stop placeing blame. You were both at fault IMO.

Him for misleading, you for allowing yourself to be led. Stand up, take responsability and move on.

BDSM is not abuse.

And to mention the two in the same sentance to me is simply an uneducated evaluation of the lifestyle.

I am sorry you have had trouble, but you are not blameless here. No matter what you want to call it. You dove in without a swimsuit or life jacket.

Educate yourself then decide if this is for you or not.

This thread has gone as far as it is going to go so I am locking it for now. If anyone has valid reasons for it to be unlocked, other than to add your own .02¢ shoot me an email and I will consider it.

I think it should stay as there are some valid points in it.

Mod3

** on a side note what amazes me is that this CPM went from doing nothing, to being borderline abusive to being abusive, I am sorry I don't hold much stock in the validity of this thread, but I do think there is some great advice for those that may find themselves in a situation, again only my opinion.**

< Message edited by ModeratorThree -- 6/29/2004 2:51:01 PM >

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