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fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/3/2007 8:58:47 PM

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Joined: 9/3/2007
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I'm new to this site, and have been a switch for about 2 yrs. I have man that is my sub and lately he's been very very bad. I never have had trouble dominating him, but physical violence tends to hold me back. The thing is that I'm a lot larger than my sub is and I am afraid that my anger towards him might make me lose control and I'll seriously hurt him. Does anyone have any advice for me? He's been lying to me and I know I can get him to come clean with me. I hope this doesn't sound stupid. thanks!

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/3/2007 9:02:39 PM

e01n

Posts: 1472
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Dishonesty is unacceptable in so many ways to me.

Get rid of his lying ass by whatever means necessary.

Can't be more to the point than that. BTW - welcome to the boards.

(in reply to princessjenjen)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/3/2007 9:06:00 PM

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thank you for the quick response. I kinda figured I'd hear that. But the thing is, I want to really teach him to respect me and obey me, and to be honest with me. I have this need in me that tells me to make him pay for hurting me and I enjoy that emensely. Can I teach him, or am I being dumb?

(in reply to e01n)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/3/2007 9:34:46 PM

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Joined: 8/31/2007
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If I understand correctly, you're afraid that due to your size advantage, you might injure him if you lose control.

One of the first things my fiance taught me is that anger has NO place in a scene - and punishment is a scene. A dominant must maintain full control of their emotions. This is how very bad things happen.

You must get this anger out of your system before you can properly deal with him. If you favor direct confrontation, then tell him you believe he's a liar and have no desire to play with him at this time. I repeat - do NOT go into any kind of scene while that anger is festering.

Once you are in control, then it's proper to discipline him. I'm certain people far more experienced than I can advise you there if you want. If he is not used to being punished physically, then you need to be mindful of his limits.

Perhaps a little confession will help you make up your mind. Fairly early in our relationship and just as I began experimenting with BDSM I did something to hurt my fiance. She was more in pain than angry. I came over to apologize and we discussed what happened. At the time she told me a friend had suggested she punish me - it surprised me, but I told her if that's what she'd needed I'd let her. At the time she dismissed it. The wound was too fresh.

A few days later we were talking and it came up again. She replied she was considering how many strokes were appropriate. Again we discussed the matter and agreed on what would do what she wanted: Bring closure to the matter for both of us, discourage a repeat....not that that was likely, and yet not be so severe that it would damage what we were trying to build together.

Certainly negotiation is probably inappropriate in your situation, but the point I want to emphasize is she didn't make any hasty decisions and waited for her emotions to still.

She also took into account what she knew of my limits. Up to that point she'd only lightly, playfully swatted me with her weapon of choice - a paddle. In fact I could tell she was holding back and had mildly complained once.

She didn't hold back this time. It was QUITE painful, and I took no pleasure from it other than perhaps an emotional release that this resolved the matter. However she made sure the response was appropriate to what she hoped to accomplish. If she'd lost control, it would have taken very little to reduce me to a gibbering mess, and not much more to injure.

Think about what you want to accomplish. Think about what you know of him. Make a rational decision on what's appropriate. Make sure you're in control of yourself. THEN deal with him.

(in reply to princessjenjen)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/3/2007 10:58:08 PM

e01n

Posts: 1472
Status: offline

quote:

I have this need in me that tells me to make him pay for hurting me and I enjoy that emensely. Can I teach him, or am I being dumb?

You know the story about the scorpion and the toad by the side of the river? The one that ends with "You knew I was a scorpion..."?

At least, the scorpion was honest with himself and others. This guy isn't. As such, you can't count on him to obey, much less to learn.

Kick him to the curb and flirt with the nice boys on the boards...

And have fun! Can't forget the having fun! It's the best revenge of all!

(in reply to CatKnight)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/4/2007 10:49:41 AM

Aine

Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CatKnight

If I understand correctly, you're afraid that due to your size advantage, you might injure him if you lose control.

One of the first things my fiance taught me is that anger has NO place in a scene - and punishment is a scene. A dominant must maintain full control of their emotions. This is how very bad things happen.

You must get this anger out of your system before you can properly deal with him. If you favor direct confrontation, then tell him you believe he's a liar and have no desire to play with him at this time. I repeat - do NOT go into any kind of scene while that anger is festering.

Once you are in control, then it's proper to discipline him. I'm certain people far more experienced than I can advise you there if you want. If he is not used to being punished physically, then you need to be mindful of his limits.

Perhaps a little confession will help you make up your mind. Fairly early in our relationship and just as I began experimenting with BDSM I did something to hurt my fiance. She was more in pain than angry. I came over to apologize and we discussed what happened. At the time she told me a friend had suggested she punish me - it surprised me, but I told her if that's what she'd needed I'd let her. At the time she dismissed it. The wound was too fresh.

A few days later we were talking and it came up again. She replied she was considering how many strokes were appropriate. Again we discussed the matter and agreed on what would do what she wanted: Bring closure to the matter for both of us, discourage a repeat....not that that was likely, and yet not be so severe that it would damage what we were trying to build together.

Certainly negotiation is probably inappropriate in your situation, but the point I want to emphasize is she didn't make any hasty decisions and waited for her emotions to still.

She also took into account what she knew of my limits. Up to that point she'd only lightly, playfully swatted me with her weapon of choice - a paddle. In fact I could tell she was holding back and had mildly complained once.

She didn't hold back this time. It was QUITE painful, and I took no pleasure from it other than perhaps an emotional release that this resolved the matter. However she made sure the response was appropriate to what she hoped to accomplish. If she'd lost control, it would have taken very little to reduce me to a gibbering mess, and not much more to injure.

Think about what you want to accomplish. Think about what you know of him. Make a rational decision on what's appropriate. Make sure you're in control of yourself. THEN deal with him.

I completely agree with CatKnight. Albeit new to things, he has a damned good head on his shoulders and has been listening to some damned good advice. And his fiance is experienced and seems to be well rounded as well.

Do not do it in your anger, wait upon it. Although I do agree that it seems your sub seems lacking in something worth saving. Doing something in anger and fearing in losing control is NOT good. Take that as a queue to walk away for a bit and get your emotions under control. I'm not sure a physical punishment is going to correct something like lying. Especially since it sounds like it's an ongoing thing.

_____________________________

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(in reply to CatKnight)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/4/2007 10:56:19 AM

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Joined: 8/5/2007
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Lying is never acceptable. In fact it is one of the most severe offenses one can committ in a relationship. I agree do not punish while angry. But when you do, don't hold back. Punishment should be feared by your sub. To me, the real punishment starts when the tears are flowing. Punishment should hurt and it should hurt a great deal. Enough so that your sub has no desire to repeat the offense.

Schedule it a week in advance and do not miss the date.

(in reply to Aine)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/4/2007 11:10:28 AM

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Joined: 4/25/2006
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"that anger has NO place in a scene" I disagree with this statement. Anger can be a lot of fun in a scene, but it is not for everyone. Just My opinion.
LordVelvet

(in reply to Joyful007)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/4/2007 11:10:58 AM

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quote:

But the thing is, I want to really teach him to respect me and obey me, and to be honest with me.

I think most people would find that angry punishments and out of control reactions tend to lessen respect, not enhance it, so you are wise to want to avoid that outcome.

Becoming upset with the sub is one thing, acting on that emotion is another.... time is your friend, develop a rational punishment and administer it calmly, as the one in control.

(in reply to Joyful007)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/4/2007 4:38:06 PM

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Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
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Ditto what most have said.

Work your relationship problems out first. You obviously have no proof that he's lying, or you wouldn't be trying to think of ways to force it out of him. Confront him with your issues, deal with it like adults, and move past it. When y'all have reconciled and life is normal again, then happy flogging.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to Alumbrado)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/4/2007 5:10:15 PM

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Joined: 8/31/2007
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Thanks, Aine.

I find myself agreeing with Joyful, even as I shiver at their response. e01n and Joyful are right - lying is a severe matter in any relationship. In this kind of thing it's even more so, since trust is so damned important.

Perhaps while deciding what is appropriate, your first question should be what you want out of this relationship. If this man is just a 'boitoy' .... then don't trouble yourself. Dismiss him or however you want to do it.

If you're looking for something long term, then this needs to end...but only if and when you're absolutely sure. Stephan is absolutely right here - you don't have all the facts or you wouldn't be considering forcing a confession. If you punish him and he's either innocent or this deception is easily explainable and not what you're imagining....then the trust and respect in your relationship is GONE. Possibly the only thing worse than an overreaction (as Alumbrado warns) is to overreact to nothing.

Still, punishing on suspicion is done and not out of the question. Just make sure...once you're calm...that the known facts still weigh heavily in your favor.

Should you decide to proceed, and this relationship is worth saving, the next question is where you want the relationship to head. If you're establishing yourself as the domme and making this part of your lifestyle and relationship....I agree with Joyful. Lying is a severe transgression. Be in control....then ensure that whenever he thinks of lying again, his tail gets an unpleasant tingle.

If you're hoping for something more equal - a partnership where you happen to top more often than not for example - then physical punishment might not be the best answer.... but this lying thing is an even more severe issue, a relationship breaker.

In that case you need to deal with it as adults....let him know you suspect he's lying, lay out your proof, and let him raise a defense. If it's clear he's playing games, tell him if he lies again you will end this relationship....and follow through. Life is too short for games and there are enough honest men out there who would happily give who they are to try to make you happy.

(in reply to Stephann)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/4/2007 5:19:48 PM

innocentdarkness

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Joined: 10/13/2005
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Obviously not knowing that the lie consisted of.... Is it possible he is "lying" to get a reaction from you? To test you... find out what you'd do? Does he crave more punishment than you currently give him? Maybe he is trying to get some trust issues in his own head defined.

I agree with those that recommended talking about it first, and dumping him if you find out he's just a pathological liar.

_____________________________

...close your eyes, let your mind go... just breathe.

(in reply to CatKnight)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/4/2007 6:26:52 PM

YesMistressIrish

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Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline

All the above advice looked really good to me.

IMO:
Anger can be fun, as long as it is totally in control.

I like to wait till the logic sets in, and all reaction is past.

Then, the punishment fits the crime and I get to release that energy, amends have been made, and we can move on.

re: Lying. Any lies are the biggest offense, in my book.

We always had these 2 basic rules in our home:
1) Any lying would get the worst puishment possible,
and,
2) No whining.

best of luck to princessjenjen, and e01n... Ok to use your fun quote? I really liked it. Simple, but says it all.

Irish

(in reply to innocentdarkness)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/4/2007 7:08:38 PM

e01n

Posts: 1472
Status: offline

re: using my sig - no. I translated that one, so unless you can say what the original was... There's a better one for you in yr mail, though...

and YMI is often a good source of sense... well, except for stealing sig.lines...

(in reply to YesMistressIrish)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/4/2007 7:54:14 PM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

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Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
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pardon the hijack - e01n, i believe she wanted to borrow your quote regarding 'fun', not your sig line.

princess,

Lies are vicious little creatures that one should not tolerate. By this I do not mean punish for them, I mean, get rid of the culprit.

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(in reply to e01n)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/4/2007 8:00:18 PM

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: princessjenjen

I'm new to this site, and have been a switch for about 2 yrs. I have man that is my sub and lately he's been very very bad. I never have had trouble dominating him, but physical violence tends to hold me back. The thing is that I'm a lot larger than my sub is and I am afraid that my anger towards him might make me lose control and I'll seriously hurt him. Does anyone have any advice for me? He's been lying to me and I know I can get him to come clean with me. I hope this doesn't sound stupid. thanks!

The first rule of thumb is to NEVER session in anger. Get your emotions under control first.
Address the issue. Tell him how it is affecting you and why. Have a punishment YOU feel would be appropriate in mind. (at least that is how I handle it)

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to princessjenjen)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/4/2007 8:12:24 PM

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I hear interrogation with dental picks applied to the collarbone is rather effective in making someone come clean.

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Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to LotusSong)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/4/2007 8:59:49 PM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline

Hurting me in anger is hot. I won't break. But hurting him to find out of he's lying to you? Now sure how that makes any sense. If you know something for a fact lay it on the table. If not, ask. It doesn't seem to me that punishment should be used as a short cut for normal human interaction and relationship skills.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to princessjenjen)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/5/2007 12:37:23 AM

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Joined: 8/30/2007
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Can one who lies enough to hurt you, be forced into learning to be honest with you?

My submissive wouldn't be submissive to me unless he already respected me and I wouldn't allow any submission unless I knew the submission was coming from the right place. If I had to force his submission, honesty and respect, I wouldn't be his mistress!

I guess it boils down to this: Do you want a healthy relatiohnship with this person or your submissive or do you want to play dominant any way it comes about without a relationship? If you want a relationship with dominance, I would think you need a healthier start than this.

I hope it goes well...

(in reply to arayofsunshine55)

RE: fairly new domme wanting to punish - 9/5/2007 5:39:53 AM

e01n

Posts: 1472
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evanesce:I hear interrogation with dental picks applied to the collarbone is rather effective in making someone come clean.

That's been my experience...

Most effective, though, has been to simply and carefully set out 2 gallons of bleach, 4 razor blades, 2 sewing needles, a box of cigar matches, a spool of fishing line and a bottle of habanero hot sauce... For some reason, people start talking pretty freely by the time you get to the last item.

Still say give up and move on. And have fun...

(Sorry for the earlier confusion and hijack: I rarely think of myself as quotable, and it's rare that I have things worth saying again.)

< Message edited by e01n -- 9/5/2007 5:41:50 AM >

(in reply to Evanesce)

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