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CatKnight -> RE: Beaten to a pulp? (9/7/2007 10:53:31 AM)
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You're getting some good advice here. From the tone of your post I'm going to guess that this happened to you. I'm also going to guess you're relatively new on scene (like me!) since the advice you're getting is fairly basic. If you've done all this, I apologize in advance.
Breaking: I'm not too crazy with your top already if he's using that term. (Note the different term: top/bottom and dom/sub are two different things, and a D/s situation is not necessarily master/slave.) No, the more I think about this 'breaking' really bugs me.
It's alright to train a sub, certainly. Submission requires a certain mindset that, even if you might have the tendency for, needs some fine tuning. However that takes time and patience. Trust must be allowed time to build up. Only once there's basic trust will someone even be able to learn from 'correction.' Immediately taking someone past what they can endure is .. silly.
When my fiance topped me (now I usually lead), she started slowly, introducing new ideas and new stimuli at light intensity, then a little harder and so forth. That's how (at least for us) I built trust with her in this lifestyle/format, and probably just as useful it helped her start pinning down where my physical limits (how many strokes I can take before it REALLY hurts, that kind of thing) are.
Setting the Scene: *I* didn't realize this until I talked with her last night, and there are probably tops out there who don't do this - but unless the top is trying to surprise you (which can be lots of fun), there's nothing wrong with negotiating the scene itself. This is an excellent time to communicate your needs and wants. "You can do what you want, just hold me afterwards," or "I've always wondered what it'd feel like to be ravaged" are perfectly legitimate requests.
Limits: YOU set those. Not him. It is your body. This is a consensual activity - a reason I really don't like this 'breaking' crap. You are choosing to submit to someone to get certain stimuli, and in exchange he gets certain stimuli. You decide if there's somewhere you're not ready to go or don't want to.
I'll give you a simple example. I have a hard (non-negotiable) limit on breath-control/manipulation, as top or bottom. Simply put I'm an asthmatic. I know what it feels like to nearly choke out and I never want to feel that again, nor do I want to watch someone I care for go through it. Therefore extreme mummification, noosing, strangling, drowning...no. I have the authority and right as a human being to say No. Submitting to someone, short of some extreme examples that require advanced negotiation, does not change that.
If you don't want your tail beaten to a pulp, you have every right to say no. The top may decide he doesn't want to play anymore, but he does NOT have the right to say 'tough.'
Safewords: Central to the idea of consensuality for me is safewords. I know for a fact there are many doms who don't like to use them. I suppose that's fair enough if the sub agrees, but I consider it dangerous.
A safeword can be as simple as "No!" "Stop!" but sometimes you might be in a scene where you're using those words - for example if he's pretending to rape you. Therefore the two agree on a word that's unlikely to be used in normal play, and what it means.
Safewords must be respected. Even if the top suspects it's being abused - safewords must be respected. They can always renegotiate later.
The fairly universal safeword - 'Red' in my play - calls for an immediate halt and go straight to aftercare. It implies that there is a physical, emotional or mental emergency, that the top has just wandered off-limits (such as my breath control thingy), or you have reached your limit of what you can stand at this time.
As an example closer to your compliant, if my fiance tops she might use a riding crop on me. It's not a hard limit, so she has my consent. However if she thinks thirty or forty strokes might be amusing, she's forgotten I'm new to this and don't have the endurance. 30-40 with a crop would be far, far beyond the point where I'd find it remotely interesting at this stage in my experience, so unless I've agreed to undergo correction then I have a right to withdraw my consent and ask her to stop.
It is possible before a scene (or before a relationship) to voluntarily withdraw your right to say 'no' at a given time I suppose, but I wouldn't even consider it until you're VERY comfortable with your top and trust them implicitly.
Trust: And that brings us back to my most important bone to pick with this situation. Are any of the following true?
1. You established a limit on how much pain you're prepared for and he ignored it.
2. You used a safeword and he ignored it.
3. In absence of a safeword, while no doubt crying/writhing you begged him to stop/said No and he ignored it.
Unless specifically agreed upon before the scene or relationship started. ("I can do what I want to you, and you will like it.") then this is a critical breach of trust. Do not go back to him. If you were...inexperienced...enough to accept his collar, return it now.
In exchange for the power buzz, right to set the scene and so forth, the top assumes responsibility for much of the bottom's well being. The bottom has her safeword, but the top should be watching to see if she's had enough. It is most certainly the top's responsibility to help the bottom explore their wants and needs, find their limits, and then respect them.
Trust is everything in any relationship, but especially here. I don't mean to frighten you, but I want to be absolutely clear here. When you consent to be tied down you are putting yourself in mortal danger.
It can be a lot of fun to just yield to another human being and let them have you, but you need to know they're going to watch out for you. If you bottom for the wrong person you CAN end up maimed, brutalized and even killed. It's happened.
If you can't trust this person, then get the bloody hell out of there. There are plenty of people out there who will be happy to top/Dom you without taking you to extremes you're not ready for.
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