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BitaTruble -> Feelings of worthlessness (9/7/2007 1:37:48 PM)
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This is pretty dark, definitely disgusting and so hard to write that I'm already crying and I haven't started yet. Don't put too much stock into that .. I'm menopausal and I shared something last night with a rather remarkable woman and it's effecting me more than I had supposed it would so, you know, I woke up crying. ::shrugs:: No biggie.
Some you come to this thing we do from a very bad place. This is for you guys. The ones who aren't really there. The ones who are hanging by a thread. Maybe you're afraid to let anyone know it. Maybe you just sit up in the rafters and read and wonder if anyone else feels like you do. Ever felt like you do. Maybe you the ones who know that some form of attention, any attention, is better than non-existance and by doing the most vile, the most disgusting, the most degrading activities, you are, at least, doing them for someone else and, by god, for those brief moments, you matter. Even if all your actions do is provide interludes of entertainment for the cruelest of humans, they are still more than you ever have been or ever could be. There's no one lower. No one who matters less. The worst of humanity is miles above you.
Yeah. I get it. I really, really get it and yeah, I'm talking, specifically, to you.
I existed on water & one can a day of dog food as my only source of nourishment for 7 solid days because I refused to eat a fresh tomato. I'm allergic and break out into hives, so this was designed to humble me and get me over my vanity. (btw: it worked) This was to teach me to be grateful for what I'm allowed.
The first day, it took me over three and a half hours to get it down. On day three, even though I was getting acclimated to the taste, my stomach, literally, recoiled at the thought of eating it again and I vomited after the first bite. Thank god I had so little in me because I was forced to eat that, too, 'for wasting'. I cried. Fuck, I cried and cried and cried and yet, I'm the one who allowed it to go on. I'm the one who never said no. I'm the one who made the choice and I'm the one who had so little self-esteem that if someone treated me like an absolute piece of shit, I adored them for it because it was, still, ultimately another human who 'saw' me. I did exist in their eyes. I might not have had a speck of value.. but I was here, damn it. That meant something. Back then, any hand hold a lifeline.
I fucked up (I fucked up a lot, but then he put me into positions designed to make me fuck up as well) another time and god damn bastard gave me a choice of eating his shit or eating more dog food.
I choose the dog food. I can't fucking believe it. I sat there and made a choice to eat dog food as if I only had those two choices. Eat shit or eat dog food. I didn't even see that I had the choice to say, you know what, man, you're a sick muther fucker and I'm so done with this.
Gods, why couldn't I see that back then? In retrospect I know why .. being blinded by darkness is absolute. You can be blinded by the light and yet pass a hand in front and you can block it out. That just not available when you are so steeped in blackness. There aren't shadows in blackness .. there's just.. well, nothing.
Eventually, there came a time when eating shit wasn't a choice. Well, in my mind there were no choices except to do or die so, you know, whatever. That man put me through some crazy ass shit, torture, literally, and other shit, a lot of it involving the general public who were mostly unaware except for some truckers who go up and down The Bayshore and I did it all and after the dog food, I did it all without question. And the harder he drove me, the more he humilated me, the more pain he inflicted on my body and mind, the worse I felt.
A bad place. Really, really bad. The worst thing of it all, though .. that sorta shit made me so fucking hot. I mean, bounce off the walls, someone, something, please fuck me 'cuz I'm going to fucking die if I don't get something shoved up my cunt and, of course, because I wanted that so desperately, it just never happened. One orgasm in three years. That's it. Just one. He was old and impotent long before I ever met him and that sort of thing didn't interest him and I was the wrong fucking gender to boot. I don't know why he let me cum that one time. It was actually fairly early on, so maybe it was out of pity although I never saw him bestow even a microsecond of compassion on anyone.
Anyway, ugh, fuck.
Sorry.. need a break.
Okay, so I'm not here to tell you that you have value. I'm not here to offer you pity or even compassion if you're in that bad place. I'm just here to say that I've been there myself and now I'm not. I'm just here to say, you're not the only one. When you're steeped in absolute darkness, you can't hear, can't see, can't even feel, maybe the knowledge that someone, once, was in that room, too, can help. Maybe just knowing that there is someone else out there who, if nothing else, sorta understands .. maybe that's just enough of a pin prick of light so that when you're ready to crawl out of the blackness, you'll have a direction to go.
You know, if you do all the shit I did and it comes from a healthy place, then this isn't directed at you. You already know your value. It's for the other ones. The ones who've misplaced their own humanity. Okay?
Celeste
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