quote:

ORIGINAL: TheIronHorse

I put much effort into responding to your original post.  I'm all for free exchange of thought. Several femsubs have stepped forward with their experiences and we've yet to get to the crux of the matter with you. 

Malesubs are notorious for disguising troll posts as legitimate content.   This thread had a lot of potential, its wandered too far off course to come back around again. 

TIH

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheIronHorse

I put much effort into responding to your original post.  I'm all for free exchange of thought. Several femsubs have stepped forward with their experiences and we've yet to get to the crux of the matter with you. 

Malesubs are notorious for disguising troll posts as legitimate content.   This thread had a lot of potential, its wandered too far off course to come back around again. 

TIH

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

For us, it depends on if we feel the issue is hindering the boy in some way. 

For example - I have a history of sexual assault (as the victim, not as the perp), and I have flashbacks from time to time.  I spend a lot of time trying to move past it.  I probably should have/should go to counseling, but so far haven't.  My last flashback was almost 2 years ago, and I'm hoping that it really was my last.  I haven't had any scenes that would push me, but I do spend a lot of time talking about it with Holly, and I am open and honest about my past with all potentials, so that they know in advance what to do if I have a flashback (usually, it's move out of range until I've started to come back ... last boy got thrown across the room *oops*).  I work on it constantly because the flashbacks interfere with my life.  I don't like that, so I want to get past it.

With a situation like yours, there would be much discussion, reflection, and more discussion.  If Holly and I determined that some pain play might help, then we will move slowly in that direction (and for those who want to shout about "you aren't a professional" - I do have some training, I work with enough psych patients that I'm pretty sure I qualify as a psych nurse at this point, and I'm smart enough to know when to not push issues and leave it to a full professional).  It might remain something that we only talk about - and if it's not something that interferes with life, then we might not even do that. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

Not all Dommes are into pain play - but I believe after conversations in the past that you are not interested in poly ... that actually hurts your chances as much as not being into pain.  As I said before, we have rob if one of us feels the need to flog or spank, so our second boy doesn't need to be into pain.  If we only had one boy though, that would be a problem. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure

Buried and forgotten is not a healthy solution.  Hungry dogs in the basement just get hungrier, ya know.

Did you read my two responses about how I (who experienced sexual, verbal, physical and religious abuse as a child) have found that engaging in pain play with sensitive, caring dominants has led to healing and letting go of my pain?  The sense I'm getting from you is that in pursuit of your bury & forget non-solution, you would rather just make rules about limits and avoid areas of discomfort instead of carefully venturing into places which could lead to freedom and healing. 

And you avoid exploring poly citing your jealousy issues as a reason instead of looking into if there might be some growth and healing to be found through engaging in respectful and sensitive people who are poly. 

It's all about how you perceive yourself--walking wounded, or someone who sincerely wants to be whole and free of past traumas.

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81


Now, here's where the problem lies: Some relationships have a nice dose of S/M play involved in it. Something like this could very well cause that relationship to grind to a halt. But on the flip side, if this is known beforehand, then that could/would stop the relationship from forming to begin with, negating the need to deal with it later on.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81


Now, here's where the problem lies: Some relationships have a nice dose of S/M play involved in it. Something like this could very well cause that relationship to grind to a halt. But on the flip side, if this is known beforehand, then that could/would stop the relationship from forming to begin with, negating the need to deal with it later on.

And then there are people like me that involve very light SM or none in my interactions.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SunnyTawse

I consider myself a sadist, and yet sm isn't really what it's about for me--it's about the control and the power. So I don't really care if a submissive doesn't do pain play as long as he demonstrates submission. I adore service, and that's one way a submissive can demonstrate submission.

My primary criteria are chemistry, compatability in terms of goals and ethics, and emotional transparency.

Sunny Tawse
Archon of Rings
http://AthenorLodge.com

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

If a submissive went through something traumatic in their childhood (lets say physical abuse), and as a result, doesn't do well with pain, would that make you not consider them? Or would you try and work with them on it?
 
Just curious.
 
Thank you in advance for your replies.
 
V.

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

I don't follow - what do you mean by "emotional transparency" ?

quote:

ORIGINAL: SunnyTawse

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

I don't follow - what do you mean by "emotional transparency" ?

I mean someone who reacts naturally, who reveals themselves emotionally. I want to know what they're feeling about what's happening, what they're afraid of, what they hope for... I don't want someone who's manipulative, who thinks carefully about all the possible consequences of saying this or that, or who tries to give me a response they think I want.

Sunny

http://AthenorLodge.com

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81
I see..

You don't that would be a little awkward though, not wanting them to think about the consequences of what they might say... that could cause a lot of problems down the road.. no?

I'm not trying to be disrespectful or anything, but, if i spoke before I thought out what i wanted to say at my job, I'd probably be at the unemployment office by now ....

Sincerely,

V.

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

I would never consider a submissive with this problem because pain is a major turn on for me. In another situation, if a submissive had some odd trauma in his childhood that left him afraid of clothespins or rope I would either avoid the trigger or IF THEY WANTED work with them on desensitization. Someone who knows they have any type of special circumstances like this needs to be VERY clear with a prospective Dominant about the problem. Very firm limits need to be established to protect the area of trauma. It also needs to be discussed that some things that seem innocent, like a gentle, playful slap on the cheek, may cause a bad reaction when you're already feeling vulnerable (scenes are just great for causing vulnerability) and set up a "contingency plan" to deal with flashbacks or strong negative feelings.

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

If a submissive went through something traumatic in their childhood (lets say physical abuse), and as a result, doesn't do well with pain, would that make you not consider them? Or would you try and work with them on it?
 
Just curious.
 
Thank you in advance for your replies.
 
V.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LeatherBentOne

Regarding the S/m aspect........I moved slowly to build trust. Things like showing her a toy and getting a response to it, verbal or body language, then letting her smell and kiss it but no touching my toys ever, explaining my feelings and uses for said toy, detailed negotiating (  esp. how many hits and their intensity) and consenting to use of toy (starting with mainly sensual play rather than pain play and gradually upping the anti).  Remember, its easy to break trust and difficult to gain it, esp if you had trust and broke it by rushing or disregarding sub's background.

Patience and baby steps are your best friends here, and no she's not damaged goods.  If you see her as such, beware you not cause her any more harm.  She is a person, firstly.