Bobkgin
Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: xoxi
Bob, I agree that if the person you're with will not respect safe words then there's no point but I also would say that someone who would ignore agreed upon safewords is more than a "bad Top" but a pretty selfish and bad person in general. If not an assaulter or rapist...and I think that was the point of the OP.
I agree with you. If safewords have been negotiated, they should be respected.
quote:
And I'm not saying that I expect everyone to have made mistakes, I commend you for the thoroughness of your knowledge and training. But even you are not infallible. You're responsible and you're conscientious and that's why you've never made a mistake but only God is infallible. I definitely resect you for staying within your own limits and not trying something before you are 100% ready...but mistakes do happen and it's not always a sign of incapability.
I think you misunderstand me.
I'm not saying I'm infallible. I'm saying that I do not make mistakes that lead to the crisis situations where safewords would be used.
It does not seem to me to be a difficult expectation of a dom/me to check ropes and knots and whatever other gear is involved while in use, so as to ensure the sub/slave's safety throughout the experience.
Nor does it seem to me to be a difficult expectation of a dom/me to ask the sub/slave questions regarding his/her physical/mental well-being. If done frequently enough, and without an agenda to ignore any symptoms of a sub/slave's deterioriating cognitive processes, this is a reliable method for learning how a sub/slave responds to various stimuli.
Nor does it seem to me to be a difficult expectation of a dom/me to be patient in learning how a sub/slave responds. In other words, don't overwhelm the sub/slave with sensations such that neither the dom/me nor the sub/slave can figure out what is going on and what is causing what feeling.
Over time, with experience, the abilities and limits and body language and sounds of the sub/slave can be determined such that more complex activities can be investigated.
I've always thought of the safeword as something used in casual situations where two people don't know each other and have no intention of taking their time before getting involved.
The safeword replaces the research.
I consider that dangerous, as it essentially places the burden on the sub to utter the safeword. A dom/me can claim they went as far as they did because the sub/slave didn't use a safeword.
But if the sub/slave is suffering from deterioriating cognitive processes, he/she lacks the ability to realize their danger and/or the way out.
Especially true in the case of the new sub who has yet to burn into his/her memory the safeword, and starts yelling other words like "stop".
Again, the dom/me can claim he/she is doing no wrong.
Earlier in this thread it was stated that "oftentimes" people who use safewords end up in the hospital.
Assuming it is correct I think it is a stunning condemnation of those whose play is so irresponsible as to injure someone.
But it's a little late for a safeword if you've broken her neck.
I do not encourage people to do this casually, for that reason amongst others.
I encourage people to take their time, be patient, invest themselves in each other so no one need go to a hospital.
But there will always be people who prefer it casual, and people who will believe a safeword is a magic shield that protects them from harm, so anyone can dom/me them.
I don't believe that for one minute. Which is why none of my partners ever needed a safeword.
I take my time.
It's not the destination; it's the journey.
quote:
For example one of the first times I was getting face fucked he went so hard I threw up a bit. He was going slowly and everything since it was something newto me but obviously since the intention was NOT to make me throw up but just to make my eyes water - that was an error in his judgement. It doesn't make him a bad person and we pretty much laughed about it (although I was more embarrassed than he was) but I wouldn't say he was irresponsible for not knowing that one little centimeter farther would cause some serious gag reflex action. Not all 'mistakes' are horrible or life threatening and with some things you kind of have to feel around and test the waters when both people are new to it.
I think it fair to assume everyone has a gag reflex somewhere down there. Some have learned to suppress it, but I wouldn't assume this without a demonstration of her prowess.
When I taught my wife deep throat, I took a year to teach her to swallow four more inches than she could when she started. She went from four to eight inches without gagging.
We worked on it nearly every night, for weeks she would accept the same depth, then a half-inch more, and so on.
Patience works.
quote:
I totally see and understand your point and I even agree with the fact that a Top should always be conscientious and aware of the situation. But I really can't go so far as to say anyone is perfect.
I think we agree here.
But consider in the example above, your mouth full and vomit rising, when did you have the opportunity to utter a safeword?
< Message edited by Bobkgin -- 9/14/2007 12:04:25 PM >
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