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RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/28/2005 10:22:36 AM

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I look for submission in the eyes...I enjoy to see it from the knees...I see strength and courage in being so open and vulnerable. In reality there is the right fit for each of us based on who we are and not who we create ourselves to be to conform to the ideals of another.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/28/2005 11:01:28 AM

SadisticPrincess

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As usual, Akasha says it brilliantly. :)

My own method of dominance follows more of a military model.... The centurion that protects the queen, if you will. I want someone who can handle tasks, follow directions, and get the job done without my having to hover over him. Someone with the desire to please---and believe me, as service domme, I can tell if someone is just going through the motions!

I offer up the notion that the women who post on this forum are not typical of ALL femdoms. There are plenty of women who really enjoy feminization, objectification, humiliation, and all sorts of behaviors that are really suited to the kind of would be submissive that is not to my taste or needs. If you want your submissive to stand and stare at the floor until you tell him otherwise, well then it would hardly matter if he can speak eloquently.

I have felt for a long time that it's very difficult---if not impossible---for one person to fit into the "perfect sub" role for me, and I no longer expect it. I have a variety of needs, vanilla and bdsm, and just as I have many friends, I see no problem with having a variety of subs or playmates.

< Message edited by SadisticPrincess -- 7/28/2005 11:08:36 AM >

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/28/2005 2:04:26 PM

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Hi Femdoms !! Perhaps You will know somethink about my question
Is it safe to eat shit???

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/28/2005 2:08:43 PM

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Andreapol, you should ask that in the Health and Safety Forum, not this one.

(in reply to andreapol)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/28/2005 3:38:59 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pollux
if we believe and value what our Dominant sisters are telling us, it is our challenge (and a challenge it is) to sublimate our submissive and masochistic tendencies, to reserve them for when a Mistress is desiring to experience them, and in nearly every other situation to accord ourselves as confident, competent, happy-go-lucky nilla beans.

A person who submits to the world is a person that will be squashed flat - taken advantage of by every person in his life, even passing strangers. I do not think it is healthy to be a doormat for the world. Confident, competent, even happy-go-lucky... I think these are better approaches to life.

Reserving one's submission for a special relationship is sensible. The question is: "When to switch gears?" I think many male subs are too quick in wanting to leave the real world behind and to rush into a submissive relationship. Although that type of relationship may be the goal, reaching that goal requires negotiation. It requires the same interpersonal skills that men and women use in vanilla interactions.

quote:

What's amusing to me is that a woman who goes searching for a male submissive acts surprised (and apparently turned off) when she actually finds....a male submissive.

That she is 'turned off' by a guy that tries to rush a submissive relationship is not surprising to me. After all, guys have long complained about women who want to rush a relationship into commitment/marriage instead of 'just friends'.

It seems to me that pacing is important. Most guys just need to slow down and keep their submissive desires within themselves until their relationship with their potential domme is more developed. Start in the vanilla, real world and work your way into the special world of kink. Do not expect to just leap 0-60 into a D/s relationship. Although some couples prefer to do just that, don't expect it.

(in reply to pollux)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/28/2005 3:47:06 PM

SadisticPrincess

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I agree, Chris. I do like to play with potential subs after a few meetings, just to see how compatible we are that way, but the ones who are expecting the domme to just take over their entire life immediately........
Well, it doesn't even seem *sensible*.

I get mail all the time (ie at least weekly) from men whose first question is "Are you looking for a live-in?" Well, no, actually, I am not. I would never say "yes, come on down" to an utter stranger, and the fact that a stranger would ask it of me, shows that the person has no real concern for himself OR me. Those are the "submissives" who are just looking for someone interchangeable to fill a role. They are NOT looking for a real person.

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Ms Francine
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(in reply to onceburned)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/28/2005 4:09:05 PM

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I am an owned, controlled and grateful male sub. I fully understand that my female owner is superior to me. No confusion. Perhaps I can help. It's interesting how often males ask for "forced" bi or "forced" CD or "forced" this, that or another. No real sub needs or wants to be "forced". An order or direction from one's owner is all that is required. A real sub understands that submission is a wonderous state -- not one one in which the sub makes demands on the domme to somehow meet the the sub's "scene" expectations. I do what my owner tells me to do, and am happy to have an owner as demanding and as direct as She. If males understood that the sub's only function is to make the fem owner happy, things would be simpler. Most males have the idea that the domme is there to entertain the sub with convoluted halloween psychodrama fantasies. Wrong, children. My owner loves me and I love Her. I am her bitch. Not hard to understand. If males understood, fem doms would have far more proper partners.

Lady's (male) bitch

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/28/2005 7:12:46 PM

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Joined: 1/19/2004
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I have several slaves/submissives in My home/dungeon...for the most part...they cum and go....reasons are vast..I could write a book....and for the rest....availability is not met between both parties.....I'm am a Pro-Domme and Lifestyle Mistress...chemistry, as we all know, is also important....

Best to all
Mistress Nona of New Jersey

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/28/2005 7:47:03 PM

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Joined: 12/26/2004
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[/quote]

Another reason I'd add for why I don't connect with some of the subs is they expect the Domme to do all the work... personally I like a man who uses his initiative, for example... suggest a date somewhere, ask if I'd like to go...not sit waiting for me to do it all.

Oumae

[/quote]

Yes I agree Completly with this one!! I've met a few subs who sit around waiting for Me to email or call them. Never initiating a call just to say hello, or I'm thinking of you. They seem to think that just because they are submissive that means they can just sit back and wait for someone else to do all the work in building the relationship. submission should NOT equal laziness, or lack of initiative.

I've heard a LOT of subs say that they didnt do anything because they didn't want to overstep their bounds, or seem pushy. Well I suppose that could be a catch 22 of sorts. But in My opinion it always best to show initiative and a desire to serve...the Dominant will let you know if She thinks you are getting out of place.

_____________________________

Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda

(in reply to Oumae)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/28/2005 10:51:39 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KCAttitude

Yes I agree Completly with this one!! I've met a few subs who sit around waiting for Me to email or call them. Never initiating a call just to say hello, or I'm thinking of you. They seem to think that just because they are submissive that means they can just sit back and wait for someone else to do all the work in building the relationship. submission should NOT equal laziness, or lack of initiative.

I've heard a LOT of subs say that they didnt do anything because they didn't want to overstep their bounds, or seem pushy. Well I suppose that could be a catch 22 of sorts. But in My opinion it always best to show initiative and a desire to serve...the Dominant will let you know if She thinks you are getting out of place.

ARG!!!! I'm going throught this right now. The current favorite potential (of the two that we are talking to) has our phone numbers and has had for a month or two. He hasn't called us yet

It's getting to be a waiting game. I have told him more than once that he is welcome to call when he can't be at his computer, but still ... no call. I'm sure that he's waiting for me to call him, but I've done everything short of demand that he call to see if he will take the initiative. He does message if we are both online, and he's been known to leave offline messages for me, but still ...

(in reply to KCAttitude)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/28/2005 11:03:33 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes
The current favorite potential (of the two that we are talking to) has our phone numbers and has had for a month or two. He hasn't called us yet It's getting to be a waiting game. I have told him more than once that he is welcome to call when he can't be at his computer, but still ... no call. I'm sure that he's waiting for me to call him, but I've done everything short of demand that he call to see if he will take the initiative.

He has had your number for a month or 2 and you're still waiting for him to call?
I would say this is a case of he's not that "into you", and leave him alone... Sounds like he offered what he couldn't deliver (don't you think?) which is very common online problem.. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/28/2005 11:09:32 PM

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I don't think it's that - I know that his computer blew up for awhile (which is where he has our number stored, of course) ... and then he lost his voice.

At this point though, I don't know if he just doesn't have the guts to do it or what. He is coming down to Indy in 2 weeks, and we are planning to get together to at least meet, so it's not like he's copping out entirely ... maybe he just hates phones and doesn't want to tell us (we have friends like that - it's not unheard of).

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/28/2005 11:56:42 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes
I don't think it's that - I know that his computer blew up for awhile (which is where he has our number stored, of course) ... and then he lost his voice.

we are planning to get together to at least meet, so it's not like he's copping out entirely ... maybe he just hates phones and doesn't want to tell us (we have friends like that - it's not unheard of).

You said that you all have chat online since giving him the number, so I wouldn't have predicted the above mentioned problems.
If he doesn't call within the next 2 weeks, I'll be shocked if he does show up to meet when he gets there, so please feel free to come back and shock me when he actually shows up, and I'll apologize for being a tad on cynical side.

M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/29/2005 12:02:52 AM

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We have chatted online since then - often, in fact. Honestly, I had forgotten that we had given him our phone number until I found his in my phone book on my phone LOL so I don't know if he remembered it until a few days ago when I reminded him (which would be when he was sick and had no voice - at least, according to him).

I know that the chances are low, but he has to come for work anyway, so I know he'll be within 30 min of us instead of 3+ hours away, so hopefully he'll get his act together and show.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/29/2005 8:03:29 AM

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Joined: 7/26/2005
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quote:

We could turn this around and ask the same thing.
*Be honest with yourselves and be honest with us. You're really not looking for a FemDom, are you? What you're looking for is an attractive, sexy lady who'll give you kinky sex.*

**edited to add: I look forward to reading your profile when it is approved. Welcome to collarme and to the boards.

I hope you saw my later post where I changed that statement -- I admit that this one was carelessly worded. And I also understand that for some people here, this dynamic goes well beyond what takes place in the bedroom.

If we go with what I eventually said, though:

"What you're looking for is an attractive, sexy lady who's tolerant and indulgent of your kinks."

You know, I'm having a very hard time finding anything disagreeable about that. A few posts later, Akasha provided some more food for thought re: "tolerant and indulgent", so if I could go one more step and say:

"What you're looking for is an attractive, sexy lady who's tolerant and enthusiastic about your kinks."

I'd say, well, yeah. That pretty much sums it up.

(Thanks for the welcome, btw)

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/29/2005 8:11:58 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: onceburned

Since you identify as submissive, do you really see yourself as incompetent? I am guessing not - - from the tone of your message you certainly doen't seem to lack confidence.

No, I don't see myself as incompetent, but you could probably make a good argument that I might've been projecting my own insecurities when I chose those three qualities "out of the air".

I'm not sure I identify as a submissive (at least not completely), but it is a closer fit for me than the other two choices I have here, which are male dominant and male switch. I've had some more submissive vanilla partners who asked me to do some top-like things to them, so I suppose technically I could've chosen male switch, but it's more of a learned role for me, not something I'm naturally incined towards.

I actually try not to "identify" as anything. I know I have certain kinks/fantasies/fetishes/needs, and that these occasionally mesh with women who profess an interest in female domination, and that's really all I can say.

(in reply to onceburned)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/29/2005 8:16:34 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TiNeedsHouseboy

Before addressing your remark below, I gotta ask: Out of all possible user names that you might have selected, why have you opted to use "Pollux" as your login name? Interesting choice.... and a refreshing change from the spate of sexual innuendo.

Thanks for the compliment -- it's actually a long story. It's a reference to several things.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TiNeedsHouseboy

I'm wondering if you're confusing the notion of libido (the sexually charged energizing river that drives every aspect of humans' core beings because it's inherent to our life instincts) with sex and horniness.

~ Ti ~

It's possible I am.

(in reply to TiNeedsHouseboy)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/29/2005 8:21:31 AM

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AAkasha:

Thanks for the long & thoughtful post. I don't really disagree with anything you've said, so I'm left to wonder if I've been clear in communicating my thoughts.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkashsa

But do you see a difference between a man who "has a submissive personality" and a man who "has a desire to submit"? There are men who enjoy submission on a certain level, but are not submissive in their daily life, or in their interactions with women. They are not passive, and they are not just looking for a woman to do all the work from a courting, flirting, sexuality standpoint. There is nothing about them that would make you think they are submissive.

Of course I see a difference. You're describing what I referred to in my analogy as the difference between a "blueberry" and a "strawberry".

quote:

A lot of these men are out in the dating world, getting together with *vanilla* women and bringing out their femdom side. A self confident man with an assertive, self-aware attitude and a great ability to read people tends to find women who may not be "dominant" -- but she's keen on the idea once she gets the drift. He is the type of guy that dates women who are demanding in all areas of their life, are adventurous, have a high appetite for sex and trying new things. I've met a few of these subs, and unlike the usual story you hear of dating woes and inability to ever meet a femdom or any woman for that matter, he has a track record of "getting" women interested in BDSM in his relationships and it takes off for them. And, this is really all they want; they don't want a 24/7 TPE relationship anyway, they want a woman who is their equal, but also is a femdom.

When these types of subs go into the BDSM dating pool they don't have as much trouble because their type is in high demand. They tend to be more selective about their femdom partners, also.

That's all fine as far as it goes, and I have no doubt this is happening, and that you know some of these guys, but I would assert you're not really describing a male submissive, at least not the sort who's likely to be reading your post. You're describing desirable vanilla men with a kinky side. That said, it's not really a mystery that desirable men tend to get what they want, and that desirable women tend to get what *they* want, is it?

Re: the rest of your post, would it be wrong to say that you dominate vanilla guys because you like to, but dominate self-ID'd subs because you have to?

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/29/2005 8:47:32 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

Again, we are not looking for vanilla men - I would be able to live with that, but Holly wouldn't, and therefore, that can't be what we are looking for. And if we were looking for a "vanilla man who's tolerant and indulgent of [our] kinks" we could have had that ages ago.

Peace... I was generalizing -- I know there are a lot of different people here with different desires and qualities they're searching for in a partner.

I'm glad you've found someone and that the relationship is working for everyone.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/29/2005 8:59:50 AM

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It seems that finding a decent male partner is not really the issue. Finding the partner for an individual person is more the issue. I have been called a player before because I get to know someone but when we meet I wont simply be owned. I think a relationship D/s or nilla has many of the same dynamics. There has to be chemistry, a foundation, values and compatibility. If you are missing things in a relationship then it falls apart. I do not want to be divorce so I am careful in falling in love. I know who I am and that the lifestlye is part of me.

If i date nilla then it would not work out long term. If I know sought an owner then that is a lot easier to obtain then finding a partner..

(in reply to AAkasha)

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