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ORIGINAL: plsownme
I get to know someone but when we meet I wont simply be owned. I think a relationship D/s or nilla has many of the same dynamics. There has to be chemistry, a foundation, values and compatibility. If you are missing things in a relationship then it falls apart. I do not want to be divorce so I am careful in falling in love.

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ORIGINAL: pollux

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A lot of these men are out in the dating world, getting together with *vanilla* women and bringing out their femdom side. A self confident man with an assertive, self-aware attitude and a great ability to read people tends to find women who may not be "dominant" -- but she's keen on the idea once she gets the drift. He is the type of guy that dates women who are demanding in all areas of their life, are adventurous, have a high appetite for sex and trying new things. I've met a few of these subs, and unlike the usual story you hear of dating woes and inability to ever meet a femdom or any woman for that matter, he has a track record of "getting" women interested in BDSM in his relationships and it takes off for them. And, this is really all they want; they don't want a 24/7 TPE relationship anyway, they want a woman who is their equal, but also is a femdom.

When these types of subs go into the BDSM dating pool they don't have as much trouble because their type is in high demand. They tend to be more selective about their femdom partners, also.

That's all fine as far as it goes, and I have no doubt this is happening, and that you know some of these guys, but I would assert you're not really describing a male submissive, at least not the sort who's likely to be reading your post. You're describing desirable vanilla men with a kinky side. That said, it's not really a mystery that desirable men tend to get what they want, and that desirable women tend to get what *they* want, is it?

Re: the rest of your post, would it be wrong to say that you dominate vanilla guys because you like to, but dominate self-ID'd subs because you have to?

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ORIGINAL: pollux

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We could turn this around and ask the same thing.
*Be honest with yourselves and be honest with us. You're really not looking for a FemDom, are you? What you're looking for is an attractive, sexy lady who'll give you kinky sex.*

**edited to add: I look forward to reading your profile when it is approved. Welcome to collarme and to the boards.

I hope you saw my later post where I changed that statement -- I admit that this one was carelessly worded. And I also understand that for some people here, this dynamic goes well beyond what takes place in the bedroom.

If we go with what I eventually said, though:

"What you're looking for is an attractive, sexy lady who's tolerant and indulgent of your kinks."

You know, I'm having a very hard time finding anything disagreeable about that. A few posts later, Akasha provided some more food for thought re: "tolerant and indulgent", so if I could go one more step and say:

"What you're looking for is an attractive, sexy lady who's tolerant and enthusiastic about your kinks."

I'd say, well, yeah. That pretty much sums it up.

(Thanks for the welcome, btw)

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ORIGINAL: AAkasha

We might be having a problem with semantics. What do you think is a "self ID'd submissive man" vs. "A vanilla man with a kinky side"? This are the definitions I would use:

1. A vanilla man with a kinky side -- he's not into BDSM or submission per se, but open minded and willing to try anything. As far as submission goes, he could take it or leave it.

2. A self ID'd submissive man -- he's interested in submission, but not necessarily in being 'submissive' in his relationships with women at all times. He is happy operating as a normal couple on the outside, but has an intense need to fulfill his submissive desires regularly and if that did not happen, he'd be unhappy.

3. A TPE submissive man -- he is submissive by nature and wants to yield to the woman in his relationship in many areas, not just sporadic sensuality or sexuality. He likes to be told what to do, and enjoys service submission -- or simply doing anything that makes her happy -- he must fill this need on a daily basis.

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Regarding your question regarding if I dominate vanilla men because I like to or submisisve men because I have to -- well, I don't "have" to dominate anyone, so I'm not sure what you mean.

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...it is not just "something fun to do" but a compelling, passionate, intense *drive* or *need* almost that can't be ignored.

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ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

Yes, I did see that. And now I see your profile. Nice pic, by the way.

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I can actually understand some of what you are trying to point out, even though I disagree with you. From reading this particular thread it might appear that many of Us are seeking what you would perceive to be a vanilla man with kink. But it goes much deeper than that, at least for Me. And that is also part of the objection that has been raised here. Boys do think that We are different somehow from other Women. We are in certain aspects, but We are, first and foremost, Women. Just because We are Dommes, does not mean that all bets are off, and that no courtship, or committment is necessary. We are not machines doling out Domination according to your fantasies. We are whole people, with interests and activities and families, and friends.
I am seeking TPE. And that is what is difficult to find. There are many boys who think they want it, or are what I call " the runaways", meaning they are looking for the escape hatch from real life.
I have had boys who offer to be waiting for Me when I get home from My long, tiring day at work, so they can rub My feet. No, thank you.
I have had boys who offer Me a place in "their home" because they can't or won't relocate, but they promise to take care of Me. No, thank you.
I have had boys who offer their bodies, and even say they will do some house chores, but they will pay their share of the rent. That makes him a roomate - not a slave boy. No, thank you.
Total means total. I am in charge. I do want someone who can use his head, and acclimate himself to Me, and want nothing more than to make Me happy, submit to My will on a daily basis and this satisfies them in a deep way that many do not understand. Me...Me...Me! Not any Domina who is willing to throw a crumb your way. Me. If that turns into a deeply "in love" relationship that evolves into a marriage, I am not opposed. I am not looking for it, or counting on it, though. I can have a good and loving relationship with a boy that never becomes "romantic" in that sense. A lot of boys can't handle that. The ones that can are doormats with no self-esteem or they project themselves that way because they think that is what is going to get them a Mistress. Somewhere, in between all this, is the boy for Me. Real Time or Online, I will eventually find Mine.

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I have looked at your profile and I am glad you are including the possiblity of a Pro-Domina to assist you into this lifestyle. But you are fixated on the sexual aspects (nothing wrong with that), and less on the possibility of a relationship or an actual wish to submit other than to the kink, for the time the scene lasts. That's okay. Just remember that you are not going to get very far with many Lifestyle Domina's, if that is all you are interested in.

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ORIGINAL: pollux

And in the end, that's really the only point I was trying to make with my first post.

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Regarding your question regarding if I dominate vanilla men because I like to or submisisve men because I have to -- well, I don't "have" to dominate anyone, so I'm not sure what you mean.

Sorry for the confusion. Let me say it a different way. You said before:

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...it is not just "something fun to do" but a compelling, passionate, intense *drive* or *need* almost that can't be ignored.

You've just described something that you HAVE to do. Not to pay the bills, not because an authority figure tells you to, but because of a compulsion -- something inside. Now, by your own admission, vanilla guys can't really feed that, so you need to play with subs in order to have the experience you crave. But it seems from what you've said elsewhere, if your vanilla partner(s) *could* get to the level of play that you're seeking, you probably wouldn't seek out play with subs. Since you can't get there with the vanilla guys, though, you get there with subs.

That's all I was saying.

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But a truly sub man, still has to function in the real world, where subness by a man is not tolerated.

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ORIGINAL: onceburned

So the question is one of how does he get to the point of being in that special relationship.

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ORIGINAL: pollux



A little while later, on the same board, a retired and very famous pro Domme engaged in a fascinating discussion with a guy there on the subject of dating a Domme, and the nature of Female Dominant/male sub relationships. Her point -- and I was very reluctant to see things this way at first, but more and more I'm convinced she's right -- is that BDSM can be kind of a "dark laboratory" for the slow transformation of the soul. The sides of ourselves that we share in BDSM settings are not always pretty, and they are not always sides that can be -- or SHOULD be -- shared with loved ones. But for some of us, they're sides of ourselves that we need to explore and examine consciously if we're going to grow. She was pretty adamant that it is absolutely a MISTAKE for a sub male who wants to have a mutually rewarding, loving relationship with a woman -- to try and explore that side of his personality with her. The example she gave was a man who had an intense desire to experience verbal humiliation. Mind you -- this is a pro Domme, published author, very prominent in the scene, yadda yadda, speaking now -- she said she would be *appalled* at having to do that to a lover and it would be very distressing for her, and she might not even be able to bring herself to do it.

What's the guy to do then? Well, obviously he's got to seek some kind of poly situation or relegate the thing to fantasy. But in some way he needs to defend his partner/lover from that reservoir of self-loathing (in this example) or whatever it is that's driving his submission.

Now, the cynical folks are going to say, of course, she's a pro. That's expected -- she has an interest in preserving a climate where men seek BDSM outside their normal relationships. But she's retired now, and a respected member of the community, and I think she was answering with integrity.

Likely not to be a popular opinion here, but it's food for thought anyway...

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ORIGINAL: pollux


A little while later, on the same board, a retired and very famous pro Domme engaged in a fascinating discussion with a guy there on the subject of dating a Domme, and the nature of Female Dominant/male sub relationships. Her point -- and I was very reluctant to see things this way at first, but more and more I'm convinced she's right -- is that BDSM can be kind of a "dark laboratory" for the slow transformation of the soul. The sides of ourselves that we share in BDSM settings are not always pretty, and they are not always sides that can be -- or SHOULD be -- shared with loved ones. But for some of us, they're sides of ourselves that we need to explore and examine consciously if we're going to grow. She was pretty adamant that it is absolutely a MISTAKE for a sub male who wants to have a mutually rewarding, loving relationship with a woman -- to try and explore that side of his personality with her. The example she gave was a man who had an intense desire to experience verbal humiliation. Mind you -- this is a pro Domme, published author, very prominent in the scene, yadda yadda, speaking now -- she said she would be *appalled* at having to do that to a lover and it would be very distressing for her, and she might not even be able to bring herself to do it.

What's the guy to do then? Well, obviously he's got to seek some kind of poly situation or relegate the thing to fantasy. But in some way he needs to defend his partner/lover from that reservoir of self-loathing (in this example) or whatever it is that's driving his submission.

Now, the cynical folks are going to say, of course, she's a pro. That's expected -- she has an interest in preserving a climate where men seek BDSM outside their normal relationships. But she's retired now, and a respected member of the community, and I think she was answering with integrity.

Likely not to be a popular opinion here, but it's food for thought anyway...

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ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig
You said that you all have chat online since giving him the number, so I wouldn't have predicted the above mentioned problems.
If he doesn't call within the next 2 weeks, I'll be shocked if he does show up to meet when he gets there, so please feel free to come back and shock me when he actually shows up, and I'll apologize for being a tad on cynical side. M

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ORIGINAL: askin4it
The only problem I have is finding a misstress that lives close enough to me , that if an appointment was set up I would not miss it.

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ORIGINAL: lashthatboy
i think that the reason that most subbie men concentrate only on the woman's kink is that most of us are so desperate for a partner that we can explore our submissive side with that we forget the rules of dating, decorum, etc.