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Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/20/2005 12:48:33 PM

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I believe most of the regular femdom posters here already have partners, but some lurkers might not, and I hope they speak up also. We here a lot about how hard it is for a male sub to find a femdom for a relationship. I'd like to know what the challenges were for femdoms when they were single and looking. This information might help single male subs also pinpoint some areas to look at.

So femdoms --
What was the most common reason you didn't connect with a male sub who approached you?

How long did it take to find the partner you ended up partnering with? Where did you meet your partner?
What about your partner stood out more than the many subs that were competing for your attention?

I know there are a lot of threads about how to meet a partner, tips for subs who are contacting femdoms, etc. But I wanted to focus on the absolute success stories -- these subs that have found a femdom partner, what did they do that made them stand out?

Akasha

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/20/2005 2:47:58 PM

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
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I'll jump right in with both feet...

quote:

What was the most common reason you didn't connect with a male sub who approached you?

Because I do NOT "play" on the first face to face meeting. I insist on getting to know them first. I'm always up front about that... I guess sometimes they just don't believe me until I've told them at least 20 times.

I've set up meetings... no one shows. I'm talking mainly about male submissives, I've only had it this happen twice with a female submissive... the second time was rather expensive since the meeting place was 2000 miles from here. (learned a lot from that one!!) I've given them my number.. they call, make promises to call the next day... I hear from them a week later.

And my personal favorite... I've responded to submissives that live reasonably close only to have them delete their account immediately after hearing from me... I could get a complex here!

quote:

How long did it take to find the partner you ended up partnering with? Where did you meet your partner?
What about your partner stood out more than the many subs that were competing for your attention?

Right now I am talking to a few... and treating each as though nothing is going to come of it... I have no expectations whatsoever... no, that's wrong... the only expectation I have is to stood up again, but that's ok cuz I'm not leaving my house for any of them any more... They can come to me from here on out.

I know that sounds bitter, and maybe I am.. but I've earned it. It's unfortunate that the ones that are taking this lifestyle very seriously have to pay for the ones that are just playing a game. I truly appreciate you starting this thread AAkasha... it's high time they understand where we're coming from. No I don't believe that every male submissive out there is a fake or player.... But it's not easy diggin' through all the BS sometimes.

Jewel

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Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/20/2005 3:37:42 PM

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
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quote:

What was the most common reason you didn't connect with a male sub who approached you?

The main reason was that they professed undying loyalty to the Female Supremacist view.

quote:

How long did it take to find the partner you ended up partnering with? Where did you meet your partner?
What about your partner stood out more than the many subs that were competing for your attention?

Well, you're assuming I just want one. I have a collared submissive who I adore. We met at a local function. he's been collared for 2 years as of July 23rd. I have a second I have under consideration and we also met at a local function. So far, I haven't found any decent ones (for me) online...but who knows?

quote:

I know there are a lot of threads about how to meet a partner, tips for subs who are contacting femdoms, etc. But I wanted to focus on the absolute success stories -- these subs that have found a femdom partner, what did they do that made them stand out?

pat and blushy stand out because they actually are interested in service and pleasing me as a first rather than as an afterthought. We are real people and have real relationships, it's just that I'm in control. Oh, and yes, blushy and pat know each other and communicate with each other.

Fire

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you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/20/2005 6:30:32 PM

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I believe most of the regular femdom posters here already have partners, but some lurkers might not, and I hope they speak up also. We here a lot about how hard it is for a male sub to find a femdom for a relationship. I'd like to know what the challenges were for femdoms when they were single and looking. This information might help single male subs also pinpoint some areas to look at.

So femdoms --
What was the most common reason you didn't connect with a male sub who approached you?

I would say the most common problem with finding a connection was their primary interest was about their own satisfaction. I am a mutual satisfaction type, but most of these men didn't have any interest in finding out what I would enjoy & would go on & on about all the kinky thoughts & ideas they had & wanted to experience. This was a good 75% of those who approached me from online. Less often real-time.

If it wasn't the self-serving type it was most definitely the self-loathing type. I do not want to have anything to do with this mindset of worthless or pathetic.

quote:

How long did it take to find the partner you ended up partnering with?

I have been involved in D/s for nearly 20 yrs. In this time I have had two very short term vanilla marriages & 2 collared subs. One sub for about two years & my current submissive. My first was also a very good match, but I decided to release him to pursue having his own biological child.

My current sub I met nearly two years ago & have been living together full time for 9 months now.

quote:

Where did you meet your partner?

We met on a different fetish personals site.

quote:

What about your partner stood out more than the many subs that were competing for your attention?

LOL... well she is a she (transsexual) & I have always identified as heterosexual & I have always dated men. Aside from that, she & I found that we had much more than just a friendship by open & honest conversation. Neither of us expected it to develop as it has, but when we recognized the bond was there we could not deny our love. We identify as being poly-minded. It took me many years to find a partner as perfect as Becca. I am perfectly ok with her being my only but I am still open to finding another.

quote:

I know there are a lot of threads about how to meet a partner, tips for subs who are contacting femdoms, etc. But I wanted to focus on the absolute success stories -- these subs that have found a femdom partner, what did they do that made them stand out?

Akasha

What did this sub do that others did not? She was completely honest, consistent, respectful & REAL with me at all times.

MstrssPassion

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 7/21/2005 4:48:18 AM >

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/20/2005 6:55:18 PM

SadisticPrincess

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Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline

Thank you for starting this thread, Akasha. I suspect that we all have very similar experiences---wonder why??

The famous no-show.....they are everywhere! I am at the point where I arrange meetings according to the rest of my social calendar. This weekend I will be at a local fetish party. So far, three guys are supposed to meet up with me to say hello. I'll let you know how many actually come through. :) If none of them do, well, I will have lots of real time friends to have fun with!

My biggest issue with the sub wannabes is that they treat the femdoms as if we are all interchangeable, simply a means to their kinky end. I know that I have a possible future with someone who actually shows some kind of interest in my NON scene existence. The endless laundry lists of do-me do-me that manage to utterly ignore MY interests are getting pretty old. Being begged to pay attention to someone that doesn't fit my criteria is tiresome, too, as is being led along. How hard is it to just be HONEST about marital status, experience level, and age?

Wishing she had cheese to go with this whine :)

Ms F

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/20/2005 7:52:18 PM

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~~hands SadisticPrincess a chunck of cheese and joins her in a glass of wine..

quote:

I know that I have a possible future with someone who actually shows some kind of interest in my NON scene existence. The endless laundry lists of do-me do-me that manage to utterly ignore MY interests are getting pretty old.

You nailed it here... the ones that get to me are the ones that say they have to know how I "play" before they can decide whether or not to meet me... WTF? Along with... so, how will you punish me? I don't know, are you planning on being really bad? I just tell them that my favorite punishment is to treat them 'nilla....

Jewel

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Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to SadisticPrincess)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/20/2005 9:11:50 PM

Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
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quote:

So femdoms --
What was the most common reason you didn't connect with a male sub who approached you?

There were two primary reasons. The submissives either did not match with Me personality wise or they were seeking only casual kinky sex. They had a list of needs that they expected to be met. A couple of them were shocked at the idea that they would not be having orgasms each and every time.

quote:

How long did it take to find the partner you ended up partnering with? Where did you meet your partner?

It took Me a good 4-5 years of active looking and even then I stumbled onto the one I kept more by accident then anything else. I was introduced to him through a BDSM oriented dating service.

quote:

What about your partner stood out more than the many subs that were competing for your attention?

We were a good match on values and attitudes in other areas of life which was important to Me. What struck home the most though was the level of comfort I felt when I was around him. He did not expect Me to be a certain way or to behave in specific ways. Instead he enjoyed the package of who I was. Perhaps his own words sum this up best: "I enjoy being with You. The BDSM activites are the icing on the cake."

He got as much pleasure and satisfaction out of serving Me coffee as he did out of sexual play. He worked hard at making My eyes light up and that seemed to be his primary goal...simply bringing pleasure of any kind into My life. He had/has activities that he enjoys and things he would like to try but has never pushed for them.

Gentle Lady

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All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/20/2005 9:58:52 PM

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Joined: 7/13/2005
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OH AND IF THEY'RE ARE ANY FEMDOMES INTRESTED IN A VERY UDNERSTANDING MALE DOM THEY SHOLUD FEEL FREE TO GET IN TUCH WITH ME I DO NOT DICSCRIMINATE

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LRODANDMASTER TYPE LIKE DUMASS BUT HIM NO DUMASS

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/20/2005 10:14:01 PM

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Joined: 6/25/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I believe most of the regular femdom posters here already have partners, but some lurkers might not, and I hope they speak up also.

No we are not all partnered, but it is in part from my lack of time and sometimes desire to go out socializing and meeting in clubs, munches, etc.

quote:

So femdoms --
What was the most common reason you didn't connect with a male sub who approached you?

Most common reasons: A)His age; I tend to attract the very young (19-27) or the much older (52-60); while I am just open enough to consider dating outside of 9year age difference range, I would have to be impressed with the youngin's sinceriy/maturity, and the older's sincerity, looks, energy, and most importantly Couth or refined behavior. B)They usually come with a whole list of desired activity, and I'm neither that experienced, nor very interested in some experiences, so that I don't want to be totally intimidated or feel insecure I would never make him happy being simply my bad self=basically he'd be too much work for me, and I want a more natural fit in terms of desires. C)I want a service oriented submissive; if not that, than I will date vanilla gentleman and get kinky that way.
Most men who come asking why isn't she domming just for the fun? I'd like to respond that I would/do domme for the fun; but that means a boy who is available when I want and will do what I want when I feel like it; not when it's convenient for him/on his terms, as that would make me feel like his bitch.

quote:

How long did it take to find the partner you ended up partnering with? Where did you meet your partner?
What about your partner stood out more than the many subs that were competing for your attention?
Akasha

Thus far all the subs I've met have been online, and the one I ended up seeing for a few months stood out because when he met me he was all gaga over how beautiful I was, and he had a $5-10 gift from bath and body for me... Very thoughtful I thought.
Good thread Akasha. M

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a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/20/2005 10:15:26 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LRODANDMASTER

OH AND IF THEY'RE ARE ANY FEMDOMES INTRESTED IN A VERY UDNERSTANDING MALE DOM THEY SHOLUD FEEL FREE TO GET IN TUCH WITH ME I DO NOT DICSCRIMINATE

Disclaimer: The above was written by a kind man who does a very good job of impersonating a dumass. Don't take the poor bastard seriously.

Oh shoot !! I was all set to e-mail You when I read the disclaimer.

_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to LRODANDMASTER)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/20/2005 10:19:05 PM

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Joined: 8/8/2004
From: Houston, Texas
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I do not subscribe to the notion that I am incomplete without a partner. Not that I don't want one, but I don't need one. A partner should be a compliment to me, not somthing that completes me. I'm already a whole person.

As for the common reason I fail to connect with the majority of subs I have met. (I have connected with some, to varying degrees) The primary reason is there inability to live in reality and mesh with my life in the areas non kinky. The secondary reason, is most spend too much time focusing on their kinky needs then our needs as a couple, which are by far more diverse.

Ms.Eden

_____________________________

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

(in reply to LRODANDMASTER)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/20/2005 11:39:30 PM

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Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MaitresseEden

I do not subscribe to the notion that I am incomplete without a partner. Not that I don't want one, but I don't need one. A partner should be a compliment to me, not somthing that completes me. I'm already a whole person.

As for the common reason I fail to connect with the majority of subs I have met. (I have connected with some, to varying degrees) The primary reason is there inability to live in reality and mesh with my life in the areas non kinky. The secondary reason, is most spend too much time focusing on their kinky needs then our needs as a couple, which are by far more diverse.

Ms.Eden

It sounds like there are some common themes appearing in these threads. The problems with the submissives:

1. They don't care much about the entire woman or compatibility. Too much focus on kink only.
2. They seem to just be looking for someone to satisfy their kinky dreams, sometimes at the exclusion of what the femdom's own interests are.

Ironic a little, because I think those subs that look for KINK first, woman second, are the ones griping about money dommes. Of course, the only femdom that is going to put a man's kinky desires at the top of the list and do the pleasing is one that does it for cash.

It seems that subs who really want a femdom relationship have to first accept that it isn't going to happen quickly; don't expect to meet, play, have your mind blown. Instead, expect to talk, date, court, develop a connection and then explore mutual ideas.

It also sounds like subs should focus more on talking about and learning more about things OTHER than kink. This is a huge one for me, and I cannot for the life of me understand why more subs don't do this. Is it so hard to NOT think or talk about your kinky fantasies long enough to know the woman -- more about her? The percentage of males subs that have asked me questions and been sincerely interested in me as a human being -- not as a domina -- is SO tiny. The ones that have, over time, have really become friends. Some became play partners.

I think that's why some femdoms end up with vanilla guys. They don't pressure us to satisfy their kinky desires right out of the gate, or are obviously "waiting" for it. They are more interested in all the things about us -- and kink is just one of them, and not at the TOP of the list. They don't really have a list of their own kinks, so you don't have to worry about them just thinking of their own fetishes and not ours.

These are things submissives can EASILY change in their approach to single femdoms. I can't tell you how much a sub would stand out if he approached a femdom as a woman first and foremost. Subs should consider courting a woman just as he would a vanilla date -- just as he would try to woo a beautiful woman he met at a party or through friends. Not as a kinky goddess who will --- (the sooner the better) -- make all those fantasies come true.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to MaitresseEden)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/20/2005 11:50:48 PM

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Joined: 6/25/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Ironic a little, because I think those subs that look for KINK first, woman second, are the ones griping about money dommes. Of course, the only femdom that is going to put a man's kinky desires at the top of the list and do the pleasing is one that does it for cash.

These are things submissives can EASILY change in their approach to single femdoms. I can't tell you how much a sub would stand out if he approached a femdom as a woman first and foremost. Subs should consider courting a woman just as he would a vanilla date -- just as he would try to woo a beautiful woman he met at a party or through friends. Not as a kinky goddess who will --- (the sooner the better) -- make all those fantasies come true.
Akasha

Preach Sister! M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/21/2005 2:20:26 AM

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From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

Ditto.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/21/2005 3:58:15 AM

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Joined: 7/21/2005
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I met my Domme without knowing that she was interested in dominating males. We met as an ordinary couple, I dated her in the (old-fashioned ) way. It was only after we were married that she started to show her dominating side, at that time, I would have done anything for her! I don`t know if she realised that, but she soon had me doing things that I would never have dreamt of doing.
I am writing this to explain how Dommes could easily meet partners without feeling that they are just trying to have thier kink satisfied. I married my partned without even knowing she was a domme. It didn`t take her long to turn me into a sub., I`m now glad that she did!
Sub issaac

(in reply to ManOwner)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/21/2005 5:33:01 AM

Oumae

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Joined: 1/4/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

It sounds like there are some common themes appearing in these threads. The problems with the submissives:

1. They don't care much about the entire woman or compatibility. Too much focus on kink only.
2. They seem to just be looking for someone to satisfy their kinky dreams, sometimes at the exclusion of what the femdom's own interests are.

Another reason I'd add for why I don't connect with some of the subs is they expect the Domme to do all the work... personally I like a man who uses his initiative, for example... suggest a date somewhere, ask if I'd like to go...not sit waiting for me to do it all.

Oumae

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/21/2005 6:01:20 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

Well, let's see.

It's been a fairly typical week getting emails from subs who seem to want me to consider them on some level. I was able to turn all down immediately.

One, because he sent me not just one, but four pictures of his dick. He's the only one that didn't get a polite "Thanks, but not interested" response that I usually send.

Three, because they sent me one liner emails ending with "if you're interested....". Not only is one line inadequate to pique my interest, but my profile AND journal specifically address the issue of one liner emails. One in particular mentioned how much he had enjoyed my profile...but he sent me a one liner anyway.

Two, because although they sent more than one liners, their email only dealt with their kink interests and that they'd like to "serve" me.....was I supposed to let them serve me by doing the kinky things to them they wanted done?

At least a half a dozen, because they were geographically undesirable, and I specifically am only open to meeting those that currently LIVE in my area, not visit, are willing to travel to, are willing to relocate. And yes...the profile says "local subs only".

One, from a man I met once about a year ago at a get together, who was so enamoured with me and interested in playing with me that he waited nearly a year to send an email to me and suggest that I should flog him sometime soon.

~~~~

On the other hand, I also went to a local munch, and ended up having a lovely evening chatting with a couple subs, and will probably keep in touch with, as they sent pleasant follow up emails. Not necessarily "my" type, but they showed me they were a far more well rounded than some of their counterparts who are using online to contact women.

~~~~

I've found some really great real time friends through online, but ultimately, any sub that I spent a significant amount of time with was someone I met through a local scene function of some sort.

From the clueless approaches to the no shows (yep, we've all had them), it seems to me that attempting to meet subs online is close to impossible, and often a huge waste of time.

However, it seems that single male subs also tend NOT to go out to local scene events to meet people. Too scarey to get out in the real world?

One note on no shows - I find that the common factor they have is that the boy in question has never been out to a scene event like a munch or the like, and is usually very green. Due to this, I will no longer meet subs that first approach me online if they have not been out to local scene events.

< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 7/21/2005 6:05:49 AM >

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/21/2005 6:11:00 AM

RosaB

Posts: 852
Joined: 1/10/2005
Status: offline

Pretty much my reasons for not connecting with most of the submissive men I've come across has been ehcoed repeatedly. Most of what they want is the fantasy. Not to see me as a person, but some all knowing superior creature with the power to change their lives and fulfill their fantasies, with no real input from them in the process, other than to feel what it is they want to experience.

Even here I'm clear in my profile that I want to be viewed as a woman first, which from the responses I get, it seems they ignore every word I've stated other than what my kinks are. I have had a wonderful gentleman in my life on and off for the past two years and we will remain friends for years to come. Its been a lot of work twarting all the fantasy ideas that he had about what a Femdomme is supposed to be like, but he's expanded his brain and has better grasped that we are not all the fire breathing which doctress he used to think I was supposed to be. He's a good man and has been worth bringing this far because he was willing to stick it out and not get discouraged because he wasn't going to solely have me live up to his unreasonable ideas about femdommes.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Sub issaac, I couldn't agree more about the way to meet a potential partner is probably best done via vanilla venues. That is exactly what I had planned to say before reading your post. I think when they come to boards like this they have too many preconcieved ideas about Dommes, mainly that we are sex starved freaks just looking to get our grove on. That for some reason we have no morals and will just hop in the sack or play anytime any place with any willing kinky guy that has some of the same desires as we do. I think its hard for them to see past the kink when they come to boards promoting the lifestyle. I've said it in the past, I think it's much better to meet a potential partner through regular every day situations. You can get to know each other as human beings first and.

It's understandable that these men would be excited to find others that enjoy some of the kinks that they wish to explore, but if they truly wish to connect with a non pro, then they had better get it in their heads that we are not much different in our needs and desires as other women outside the bdsm community that hope for a human connection. Many of us want compatibility in everyday social and spiritual ways as much as we want to meet someone to live out our kinky desires with.

Akasha, when I first started exploring my dominant side, your sites was one of the ones that I found to be informative and very helpful and I just would like to say thanks for putting some great information out there for both femdommes and submissives.

Rosa

< Message edited by RosaB -- 7/21/2005 6:19:38 AM >

(in reply to issaac)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/21/2005 6:24:32 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

Another reason I'd add for why I don't connect with some of the subs is they expect the Domme to do all the work... personally I like a man who uses his initiative, for example... suggest a date somewhere, ask if I'd like to go...not sit waiting for me to do it all.

Oumae

Right on target with this.

I hate doormats. Subs love to say they are NOT doormats. Then why is it so many sit back and expect the domme to do everything?

Does it MAKE sense that if I go to see a sub who lives far enough from me that I am not overly familiar with their area to expect me to pick where to go to dinner, what to do while I'm there, etc? Yet this happens repeatedly. You live there. Suggest a few different restaurants to go to, some things to do. Or perhaps they're hoping that I will just show up with a suitcase full of toys, play, and go home?

Initiative is huge. If I have to tell you to buy me flowers sometimes, it takes ALL the pleasure I get out of receiving them.

I've also seen what I consider the extremes of this "I am sub so I don't have to do much in a relationship but show up" approach, to the point of not worrying about career, not planning retirement, not having a good support group of friends, not pursuing outside interests...ugh.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to Oumae)

RE: Femdoms can't find a decent male partner - 7/21/2005 9:28:14 AM

Posts: 1
Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline

i found little before becomming a FEMDOM AND AFTER THE NOVILITY OF THE 'ACTING IN' AS I GREW MORE MATURE IN MYSELF I BECAME A SWITCH 75/25 WITH A GREAT SWITCH MAN .. NOW WE CAN DO IT ALL. YES, I CONTROLE $ AND THE SUCH [LIKE THE TYPICAL VANELLA ] /[FEMDOM] ,AND SINCE WE ARE BOTH SEXUALLY DEMANDING AND HOT ,' WE SEEM TO HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TO' ... RELATIONSHIP WISE THE SUBS ARE GREAT TO DATE , USE ,AND LOOSE , THAT WORKS OUT TO BE A HOBBY , I FIND THAT THOSE TYPES ARE NOT 'KEEPERS'..............

(in reply to AAkasha)

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