Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage - forget it!

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage - forget it!

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Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage - for... - 10/4/2007 8:19:07 AM

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Have you been with someone who was kinky and open minded in the courting stages of your relationship, then after you got married, decided kink was not only something they were not interested in "a little" - but something they would never do at all? How did they explain their change of heart? What did you do to address the situation?

Akasha

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RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 8:29:18 AM

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guess you have met my wife

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 8:40:54 AM

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From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
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I was in a four-year relationship with a woman who lied about being bi-curious.

She told me she'd lied to keep me in her life.

I found her betrayal of my trust so profound that I couldn't find it in me to trust her further, and ended the relationship.

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RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 9:02:39 AM

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I married someone who was very sexual before marriage and barely sexual afterwards. He wasn't kinky though. Just non-sexual. I eventually left him. It did teach me that you don't die from celibacy, you just wish you could.

Just my thoughts...........

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 10:12:41 AM

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Do you think that could be the reason that Men/Women do it on the side?

(in reply to sublizzie)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 10:16:56 AM

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From: Nashville, TN
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My exhusband spent a year and a half dating me knowing I was Dominant, but not teribly interested in the kink. He didnt object, persay, but he didnt pursue it. AFTER we married, I expected me to become a good submissive little housewife becasue that was what he considered to be a good partner and he knew if I loved him I would want to become that for him. The fact that he hid that desire from me, knowing it went against everything I was, bothered me.
The fact that he was willing to get into the kink as long as HE was the dominant playmate and I was the submissive half didnt work for me either. Needless to say, there are reasons he is an ex.
When I wasnt willing to be his submissive slut, he started denying me and sleeping wth hookers. Twas a short marriage.

My 2 cents.
DV

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RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 10:37:30 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin

I found her betrayal of my trust so profound that I couldn't find it in me to trust her further,

You're a piece of work.

(in reply to Bobkgin)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 10:55:43 AM

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Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
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Not a bait and switch perhaps because we're still both kinky, and we're not married, but my daddy dom was highly sexually driven when we first met, in fact I was worried I'd be put in the position of saying no a lot, and now a year later I am the one pestering HIM about sex. We frequently do go months and months with out sex till I become so demanding and yes winey about it that I am like fuck me or I'll pounce some random person and molest them.

He says the change is because when we met he wasn't having any sexual outlet other than masterbaition he did nothing but watch kids allday,a nd there really wasn't any stress in his life. Now he works tons is always tired, is always some level of stress from work, he drives 2 hours after work to be here, and is to tired.

Other times he gets more enjoyment out of cuddling and being here. Which is nice, but I've turned out ot be kind of highly sexed a lot sometimes, which isn't being fixed or fed.

< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 10/4/2007 11:08:28 AM >

(in reply to cloudboy)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 11:00:02 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RealDealNJ

guess you have met my wife

Perhaps I should introduce my husband to your wife...LOL...I hear ya LOUD and CLEAR.....

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RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 11:08:45 AM

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He did it to seduce you and after you were married he no longer needed to seduce you so he stoped. its kinda like the dating thing. when two people date they go out and have fun together. more times then not when 2 people get married they stop going out "dating" and fall into a rutine. they accept this and give it a name "Im busy at work or Im just to tired" The truth of the matter is they dont feel the need to seduce there partner any more and get complacent because they have them in there life. Comunicate with him that this is not just what you want but this is a part of your life and you need this in your life.

(in reply to breatheasone)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 11:10:28 AM

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From: Stockton, California
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I've had this happen in situations that didn't even end up in marriage. I'll attract a woman who is interested in me in a vanilla sense but knows that I live a D/s lifestyle, and so she comes onto me as a dominant, and we explore that part of us, until we actually become serious and somewhat exclusive, if not completely exclusive. Then it turns into a really bizarre vanilla relationship. Never really understood why this happens, and I've analyzed it many times, but nowadays I'm more apt to just take it in stride and not worry that much about it, but be more direct in stating that if it's not a D/s relationship, I will probably not be interested long term. Sometimes, you just have to be blunt. I learned that over the years and it seems to at least make me feel more comfortable when it comes to potential relationships.

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RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 11:25:54 AM

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i was with a dom who was married to a woman, who when he first met her said she was a masochist. When they played together before marriage she was into playing (or pretended to be). After they got married he took out his toy bag one day and she burst into tears and confessed she couldn't bear it anymore. He put his bag away and tried to go vanilla but he ended up cheating on her once, which almost destroyed their marriage. They worked it out and talked about it and decided that him having a submissive would be the answer. Hence i enter the picture. 4 to 6 months down the road she couldn't handle it and we parted ways.

What i will never wrap my head around is why she would go to a bdsm chat room (where they initially met) and pursue someone who told her upfront he was a sadist?? i did not keep contact with him and i wonder if he has stayed faithful and gone vanilla or if he went back to cheating. He once told me he could not live without it and if it came down to it he would divorce her, which i didn't totally believe. i think what she did to him was unfair.

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RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 11:40:42 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Have you been with someone who was kinky and open minded in the courting stages of your relationship, then after you got married, decided kink was not only something they were not interested in "a little" - but something they would never do at all? How did they explain their change of heart? What did you do to address the situation?

Akasha

Yes, he's now my ex husband.

He never did explain it, but it wasn't just kink that stopped. sex in any form pretty much stopped after the wedding. I was totally not impressed.

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(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 11:55:54 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Do you think that could be the reason that Men/Women do it on the side?

Probably but I'm one of those who makes a commitment and sticks to it. I had his permission to "get [my] needs met" by someone other than him, but it didn't feel right when I tried. Made more sense to leave and be at peace with myself.

Just my thoughts.......

_____________________________

"cooking is my kink"

Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

(in reply to Dnomyar)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 12:06:55 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bobkgin

I was in a four-year relationship with a woman who lied about being bi-curious.

She told me she'd lied to keep me in her life.

I found her betrayal of my trust so profound that I couldn't find it in me to trust her further, and ended the relationship.

I totally agree with this.

Why should you trust someone who has lied to you and done so for very selfish reasons? Claims of "I lied because I love you" are really just cover for being selfish or afraid to be alone.

More people should have your self respect, Bobkgin. Perhaps then there were be fewer heartaches and folks would stop lying to impress or control.

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(in reply to Bobkgin)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 12:40:19 PM

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I would just like to say what a refreshing and truly enlightening post.
It's time we actually dealt with one of the most serious areas of this lifestyle.
We think it's hard to find honesty in this lifestlye but it's no harder than in vanilla life.
I'm branded a slut because I like to try out sex with a partner before I fall in love with them. Not take my time to find out all there is to know about them except sex, find that they are right for me in every other way, fall in love with them and then find out that actually we have very different ideas about what a good sex life is. I'm a dominant sadist. I'm much much happier when I'm completely in control of my relationships and when it contains BDSM. However I am not going to do without sex if I can't find the right sub. I have not been without a sexual partner for very long since I was 13 years old most of the time I have had more than one. Of course I prefer to be the dominant partner but if that doesn't do it for the man then fine I'll act submissive. Anyone can pretend to be anything they want to be for a short time. Lots of male subs are very controlling. It's just a challenge to pretend to be submissive in the hope that they will get what they want. However if you want a good relationship that lasts and continues to grow and deepen then my belief is that it's better to be honest. But people do change very quickly. You can think you want something all your life and then when you get it you can find out that it isn't really all that you thought it would be. Vanilla people fantasise as well as us. And unravelling a marriage isn't easy especially when there are children involved. There really isn't an answer. Unless we all stop getting married or having children.Stop committing in any way. Or of course we could do what we were supposed to do years ago and what the church wants us to do. No sex until after your married and no divorce. Oh and if it's too bad and you kill yourself then you can go to hell. Much better to provoke the other person into killing you and then you can go to heaven and they can go to hell.

(in reply to akisha)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 1:16:19 PM

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My ex Master after five years into the relationship the sex and for the most part the dominance disappeared. Certainly at the time I felt a little betrayed even trying to help him work through the issues. Very much felt major betrayal that he gave up wanting an equal effort relationship by refusing to work on the problem and that is where any of my bitterness lies.

I agree with lateralist1 that this type of thing happens with both genders in this life and regular life. There are selfish people obsessed more about the destination then the journey that once they have gone far enough down the path, whether in years, wedding ring or both feel effort is no longer required.

People do change but expecting the other person to be ok, put up with or be happy about a change is not fair in itself when it affects the other person in the areas of needs and/or strong desires. I know betrayal is the feeling I felt when I had to go through this.

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RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 1:19:47 PM

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quote:

"I lied because I love you" are really just cover for being selfish or afraid to be alone.

Well said ....

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candy posts in pink font

(in reply to thetammyjo)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 1:30:40 PM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Have you been with someone who was kinky and open minded in the courting stages of your relationship, then after you got married, decided kink was not only something they were not interested in "a little" - but something they would never do at all? How did they explain their change of heart? What did you do to address the situation?

Akasha

Not kinky but I watched a woman who was highly sexual go to almost non-sexual. Reasons varied from depression to guilt (over words she'd had with my mom before my mom's stroke) to being tired from the kids (interesting given the fact that it was I who roughhoused with them, got them ready for bed when they were small, did their homework with them as they grew larger, took them to soccer/flute/piano/etc.), housework (despite my doing my own laundry and yard work and car maintenance and either cooking or the dishes). Yet...she had the nerve to be insulted when I found sex chatrooms on the computer and eventually found D/s. When I walked out for the year of our separation, it was amazing how she found her sex drive again...and yet...that only seemed to come around on the weekends when I would come to visit the kids. How many late night calls from her do you suppose I got during the days when I was in my own place? If you guessed maybe one or two during that year, you would be right.

This is why I tell the women I interact with that I am in this for the long haul. I do not see myself giving up D/s or BDSM (both of which I have stated before) because I get older or because "well...it never held much interest for me in all honesty, honey". Really? Then most likely, I WILL find another.

I don't like bait and switch. I find it an appalling tactic and for once, I agree with Bob because I think he gave a perfect example of bait and switch. cloudboy, this is one instance where denigration of Bob is NOT deserved. No one has the right to hold out something that they know the other party is interested in and then, once they have that party hooked, taking it away.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Bait and Switch? Kinky dating, but after marriage -... - 10/4/2007 1:50:44 PM

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Actually, I was guilty of this...and still am to some extent, although it's not about the D/s...it's about the sex.

Around Christmas last year I had a panic attack that scared me right back on my meds. I've juggled medications trying to find my libido again, but all of my medical options have sexual side-effects...I just wish one of them would fire my libido up! Daddy and I go to the same doctor and sometimes visit him together trying to solve this conundrum. It's really frustrating, honestly.

Daddy and I have talked about it and I am trying to decide what to do...whether to stay on my meds or not. He wants me to stay on them, but I feel guilty that my sex drive has changed so dramatically.

I just thought I'd say something from the other-side of the equation...sometimes it really is about situational changes.

PS. I'm not looking for advice on this issue, we've made decisions together with our doctor as far as this is concerned...I was merely offering up a point of view from the other side.

_____________________________

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"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to AAkasha)

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