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RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 11:12:29 AM

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Basically yeah to what a lot of people said. It seems that in most cases of cheating (which it was he told her about you and didnt tell you and relationships dont just start once you have had sex) people blame the 'other' rather than the one who actually is in the wrong, the one who has made promises.

You are making excuses for him, and thats your perogotive i dont think its the healthy beginnings of a relationship and seriously this girl isnt the bad one no matter how much you wish she was.

You seem desperate to forgive him so really nothing thats said here will be of much use to you, you just have to do what you can live with.

(in reply to xx)

RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 11:48:19 AM

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Ron:

You nailed this one. Concur 100 percent that a lot of women would rather settle to have a man than realize theyhave potential to have a wonderful life with another if they just wait it out.

Regards, MissSC

(in reply to RRafe)

RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 12:45:41 PM

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Yikes. This didn't turn out well, did it?

Ok. No venom here, OP. It might feel like the end of the world now - you want him, you want him to want you the way you want him to want you. You want to be the special one, the one above all his hedonistic shenanigans.

Unfortunately, you're not.

So! Deal with him as a liar, accept it, and make peace with it OR move on. Those are your options, I'm afraid. I vote that you move on ... but ... I know how a particular man can pull at your heart, even when the relationship is horrible and you feel completely crappy about yourself.

Life is too short. Really. Believe me.

(in reply to MissSCD)

RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 12:54:49 PM

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Well i did not read all the respondes but he is a liar and if he lied to you about this i would have to wonder what eles he is lying to you about. Just be very careful.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to batshalom)

RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 12:58:42 PM

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In a word....... No.

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(in reply to xx)

RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 1:07:34 PM

xx

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Thank you to those of you that gave constructive insight. As i said in my post i was struggling with this ... i know the difference between right and wrong but i also think that is a pretty darn amazing person who is infallable and perfect 100% of the time and makes no errors in judgment.

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RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 1:08:16 PM

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While I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt, one lesson has become very clear in my life: people don't generally change all that much. It's something I learned the hard way. If a person lies to you about something like this, especially when you give them repeated chances to fess up- it's likely going to happen again.....and again.....and again.....

I was (still am, and likely always will be) in love with a Guy that did this to me. While I may still love Him (I can't just turn off the emotion- although I wish I could); I respect myself too much to continue to be with Him. He was an amazing Man, too- just so happened He had a problem with honesty; and more often than not claimed the reason He lied was to "protect" me. I even bought into that several times. The bottom line is that lying is a choice- not a mistake.

In my situation- no matter how much He may claim His situation has changed, when I think back on all the lies He told me- and what they did to me- I know I have made the right choice, even though it hurt. Otherwise, I could be so wrapped up trying to turn this Guy into the "One", that I'd not be available (or paying attention) when the right "One" does cross my path...

From reading your original post, seems to me you know the path you should take- as others have said- follow your instincts...better to do it now, than to wait until it happens again...

No matter what path you chose- I wish you well.

< Message edited by sweetNsmartBBW -- 10/23/2007 1:12:49 PM >

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RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 1:37:20 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xx

Thank you to those of you that gave constructive insight. As i said in my post i was struggling with this ... i know the difference between right and wrong but i also think that is a pretty darn amazing person who is infallable and perfect 100% of the time and makes no errors in judgment.

I think that you don't want to hear what people have to say about this. The overwhelming opinion is that he treated you in a way that would be unacceptable in many cases. Personally, I too would end the relationship. When someone lies about things of a sexual nature I view that as a recipe for danger. That kind of lying puts not only your heart, but also your body, at risk.

With that advice I will say that I don't think you want to end the relationship. Think to yourself about why that might be. In my past I have been lied to in relationships and while I didn't leave, in retrospect, I didn't have a good reason not to. As he prostrates him self to "make it up to you" ask yourself where all that sorrow was when he was having sex with her. The other thing I would ask yourself is if he would have been so fogiving if you had done the same.

just my 2 cents - and truly, good luck with your decision. I know it's a difficult one.

(in reply to xx)

RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 2:07:46 PM

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I wouldn't trust him, if it was me if only because when you asked him about it he lied and said he wasn't doing anything. But then again I put great stock in honesty in a relationship.

< Message edited by Decimus -- 10/23/2007 2:11:20 PM >

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RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 2:12:59 PM

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People online are iceburgs. You just see a little bit of what they want you to see. You have to figure there is much much more that you aren't seeing, so anything bad could be just a small hint of much bigger things you haven't seen yet.

No matter how appealing, no matter how he seems to fufill your dreams and fantasies, don't give your heart to someone online as you aren't being fair to yourself or the other real person on the other end when you find out who they really are. There is no substitute for time spent together face to face, and trust can only be built through consistancy over time.

(in reply to erinrosalie)

RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 2:17:26 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xx

Thank you to those of you that gave constructive insight. As i said in my post i was struggling with this ... i know the difference between right and wrong but i also think that is a pretty darn amazing person who is infallable and perfect 100% of the time and makes no errors in judgment.

But to whose error do you refer? His or yours? (It isn't efficient to keep making the same mistakes because they have a tendency to recur, squared.)

(in reply to xx)

RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 2:45:05 PM

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Here's the kicker for me. He had unprotected sex.

He took YOUR life into his hands. He risked your life. AIDS is a death sentence, not to mention the other nasty, uncomfortable diseases out there. The fact that he cared so little for his health and well being is one thing, but that he cared so little for yours?

Testing AFTER the fact is stupidity, all it does is inform you whether you dodged a bullet... and I dont know how long ago this happened but for AIDS/HIV retesting is required because results may not show immediately.

(in reply to batshalom)

RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 3:38:19 PM

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So, you were ok with his being married, but not ok with the other female in his life?

Would you forgive? Seems kinda pointless. .. . . .

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RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 5:18:58 PM

RosesHaveThorns

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Danger Will Robinson, DANGER!

This man ADMITTED to using and tossing away another woman like a little fuck toy. That alone is enough reason to dump his ass. If he doesn't respect her, what makes you think that he may not be using you in the same way?

And why do men need to sow oats by lying and decieving others, leading them on and then throwing them out of their lives? Sounds more like an argument to castrate all men then to allow them to sow their oats.

Calling her rebound does not justify anything. Calling her a skank doesn't either. She is a human being, with thoughts and emotions, just like anyone here. She does not deserve to be the subby dummy, just so he doesn't fuck up with you, and that's assuming that this guy with a piss poor track record cares about you. And rebound? Using another's feelings to feel better after heartbreak, knowing that he was going to break it off once he felt better? How is that even remotely okay?

And this isn't even mentioning the times he's lied to you!

If you think that treating this woman like DIRT is acceptable, then the two of you deserve each other.

(in reply to subinsouth)

RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 5:29:57 PM

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Several times in my life, a man has turned out to be NOT what I thought he was. I realized I was in love with what I thought he was or wished he was rather than what he was. It's a tough one to swallow, but it does make you see life and relationships without the rose-colored glasses on.

The other strike against him is that he's recently separated. Trust me, he's going to be sowing more oats. And when he's all over it and ready to settle down again, you'll just be an empty box of Cheerios to him. (See, Cheerios are made from oats.....)

You could save yourself a lot of grief by just getting it over with and moving on now. Or you could spend the next couple of years wishing and hoping and thinking and praying and agonizing.....

Also, if he's just left his wife, this makes YOU the rebound chick.....think about it.

< Message edited by windchymes -- 10/23/2007 5:31:00 PM >

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RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 7:11:11 PM

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I have to agree with you there Chewsie

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

I'm starting to lose faith in my gender. I really am.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Yeah...............

Believe I'll pass....

Ron

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RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 7:15:41 PM

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That guy has more baggage than Air Canada.

Recently separated or Divorced? uhhg

Give a person at LEAST 1 month of singlehood -no dating (per year of marriage) after a divorce to get their own head clear. Yes, that means if married 20 years, be single for 20 months, etc. After that time, if he/she still wants to be with you then by all means go for it.

If either of you are so precious to eachother then what would the wait hurt?

Would you rather wait and date or not wait and be bait?

< Message edited by came4U -- 10/23/2007 7:20:40 PM >

(in reply to IrishMist)

RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 7:31:46 PM

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You never even met. Did you discuss whether or not you would see others in the meantime? Because although you considered this as a great relationship, apparently he didn't think it qualified as one. Unless you had both agreed to not seeing others, he was free to do so. As were you.

All it was, was the hope of a relationship. However, unprotected sex? Still raw from the death of a marriage and acting out in inappropriate ways? Doesn't sound like a man ready to settle down with you.

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RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 9:10:11 PM

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I'll also point out that she's the one putting out and having sex with him- for a recent divorcee, that's more than enough enticement to keep on the line.

You can either continue to enjoy this amazing connection/emotional affair with a cyber dude who lies to you and behaves recklessly with other women, or you can choose to do what woman with standards and self respect has and end it.

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RE: Would you forgive? - 10/23/2007 10:56:30 PM

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quote:

If we didnt have such an amazing connection and if i didnt want to be with him so badly ..then i would have walked away already.

Which just reaffirms my opinion that "love" makes you fantastically stupid. When the heart starts talking, the brain takes a hike.

So lets put this in perspective.

You became involved with a married man. You say the other women knew about you, but have you verified this from the horses' mouths, so to speak?

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Sure, the other, um, other woman, might have had a vendetta against your dude, but she really doesn't have a ton of incentive to be terribly dishonest with you. You say she made things up - is that something you have verified, are you taking the word of someone that you know has been dishonest with you?

You attitude towards her seems very disrespectful. You may not like her, but she is, after all, still human. Do not blame her for the failures of your "partner". It was his responsibility to be honest with you, and he wasn't. She is not simply a "thing", she is a person. Everything is okay because he was just using her, and he really wants you, right? If he was willing to use her and toss her aside, what makes you think that he wouldn't do the same to you? If he had an affair on his wife with you, what makes you think that we won't do the same to you?

You are not special. You are not a unique snowflake, and people are amazingly static. Expecting that someone's behaviour will someone be "different" because it involves you is deluding yourself. You've seen the warnings, and you said it yourself, if you weren't so enthralled with you ideal of this man, you would have left. So tell your fantasies about this relationship and this person to hush, and stop and really think about the reality of the situtation. Once you do that, I think you'll know what to do.

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(in reply to xx)

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