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How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 5:21:19 PM

Morghan

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It could be asking for help, asking for play you want, asking to talk about a sensetive subject, etc. How well do you deal with asking your Dominant/Owner etc for things large or small? If you've had difficulty, how have you worked to overcome that?

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 5:45:55 PM

batshalom

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I don't have difficulty asking but I do have difficulty not qualifying the question, like "If you don't feel comfortable talking about this, you don't have to answer, but how do you feel about doing X?" The only way I overcome it is to be aware of it and to make a conscious effort to not do it, and reminders help. How often have I heard "yaldah, ask! If Aba doesn't want to answer, Aba will say so. You don't have to direct."

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 5:57:27 PM

daddyncherry

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This is such a hard thing for me....i try not to ask for anything....and yet i am trying to learn to ask without feeling all bad about it.

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 6:04:09 PM

ownedgirlie

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I used to have a lot of difficulting asking him for anything, particularly for help. This was due to a lot of baggage issues I was carrying around with me at the time. But by not asking him for help, I was taking his authority by deciding for him already, that the answer was no. By not asking, I was making assumptions, which is rarely healthy in a relationship. By not asking, I was not communicating my desires, and denying him a chance to know me, and to know where my head and heart were. By not asking, I was creating a wall between us, living in my own space without allowing him in.

I learned that in asking, the decision remains his. He can always say no. Asking does not mean he will say yes. Asking may result in him asking me a series of questions to understand why I am asking what I am. Asking means I might get the help I need, or I might get to try something new that will bond us more closely, or I might be able to go out with the girls when he's busy on a particular night...and so on.

Not asking means not communicating, and in a relationship where communication is critically important, failing to do so is not only disobedient, but creates a recipe for problems in the future.

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 6:06:35 PM

batshalom

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Not asking for what one wants is a passive-aggressive control mechanism. If you don't ask, others cannot meet your needs / desires.

If you are asking advice for your sub, I would say that not asking puts the Dominant at a distinct disadvantage and out of the position of control. The sub's neglect to disclose wants and needs puts the sub in the position of power.

Also, without all the information, the Dominant is operating on a false idea of the sub's wants / needs or an ignorant understanding of the sub's wants / needs. Informed parties make for healthier relationships.

If you are asking on your own behalf, as being unable to articulate your desires to your sub, you weaken your own authority by refraining to disclose important information. The sub can only give you what he or she knows to give, based on your expression of desire. The passive-aggressive nature of non-disclosure erodes the power structure of the relationship and is an indirect and weak method of authority.

In addition, in both instances the eventual disclosure causes hurt and distrust. "I didn't know you wanted X, and all this time I've been doing Y. I feel so foolish. Why didn't you tell me sooner?" It leads to thoughts of "What else don't I know?"

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 6:45:09 PM

rubberpet

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I feel I can talk to Mistress about anything without the fear or judgement or consequences. She tells me all the time that I can ask Her for anything. We have a unique relationship, though. She takes amazing care of me and constantly does everything She can to make me feel loved and secure in my place at Her feet. We both believe in open and honest comminication with no secrets. If one of our needs is not being met, all we have to do is inform the other and we resolve the problem. It just works for us.

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 6:53:29 PM

Littlepita

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Sometimes I've had a hard time talking about something I either need or want. The reasons vary, but mostly stem from not wanting to face rejection or in the case of play to have him give me what I want when he really might not have wanted it. You know, I want him to always want it first or as much as me. Silliness really.

We have been working on transparency in our relationship. This means when something is bothering me, no matter what that something is, I have to come to him and tell him. So far so good and I'm a much happier girl. I told him last night that I needed a spanking and today I got one. We were both happier for it.

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 7:48:38 PM

briska

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Just recently I asked my Sir for something I'd been thinking of wanting Him doing (keeping a journal like I do - albeit not as regularly) I made a joke about it not being PC, but in all reality - your Dom is human, and there are polite ways to ask for what you need.

Originally I thought this q was geared to remembering to ask to do things - orgasm, sit on a couch, put on clothes. It's always the remembering I'm bad at with that. :)

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 7:57:21 PM

peppermint

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Strange...we pride ourselves in being open and honest, in the trust between partners, and yet are afraid to ask to have a need or want satisfied.

You have been able to write here in this forum. Perhaps putting a request in writing rather than asking the request out loud is your solution. It might make you feel more secure for the moment and perhaps as time goes on you can finally make the request orally.

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 8:17:00 PM

slaveluci

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From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I used to have a lot of difficulting asking him for anything, particularly for help. This was due to a lot of baggage issues I was carrying around with me at the time. But by not asking him for help, I was taking his authority by deciding for him already, that the answer was no. By not asking, I was making assumptions, which is rarely healthy in a relationship. By not asking, I was not communicating my desires, and denying him a chance to know me, and to know where my head and heart were. By not asking, I was creating a wall between us, living in my own space without allowing him in.

I learned that in asking, the decision remains his. He can always say no. Asking does not mean he will say yes. Asking may result in him asking me a series of questions to understand why I am asking what I am. Asking means I might get the help I need, or I might get to try something new that will bond us more closely, or I might be able to go out with the girls when he's busy on a particular night...and so on.

Not asking means not communicating, and in a relationship where communication is critically important, failing to do so is not only disobedient, but creates a recipe for problems in the future.

Well, as so often happens, ownedgirlie has said EXACTLY what I was going to

. You said it, girl! Thanks for saving me all that typing..............luci

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 8:28:08 PM

LaMspeach

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From: Philadelphia area, PA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I used to have a lot of difficulting asking him for anything, particularly for help. This was due to a lot of baggage issues I was carrying around with me at the time. But by not asking him for help, I was taking his authority by deciding for him already, that the answer was no. By not asking, I was making assumptions, which is rarely healthy in a relationship. By not asking, I was not communicating my desires, and denying him a chance to know me, and to know where my head and heart were. By not asking, I was creating a wall between us, living in my own space without allowing him in.

I learned that in asking, the decision remains his. He can always say no. Asking does not mean he will say yes. Asking may result in him asking me a series of questions to understand why I am asking what I am. Asking means I might get the help I need, or I might get to try something new that will bond us more closely, or I might be able to go out with the girls when he's busy on a particular night...and so on.

Not asking means not communicating, and in a relationship where communication is critically important, failing to do so is not only disobedient, but creates a recipe for problems in the future.

Well, as so often happens, ownedgirlie has said EXACTLY what I was going to. You said it, girl! Thanks for saving me all that typing..............luci

I second that ... Thanks umm errrrrr ...yeah, girlie thats it.... unles you have decided to be wacky waffle again tonight. I am always so confused.

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 8:39:36 PM

slaverosebeauty

Posts: 1941
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Just be respectfull, be honest and choose the right time to bring it up. I haven't had a problem with bringing things I would like up before, one reason why I use a checklist, its a starting point and I have things on there that are marked 'curious' and if I hear something on the boards or somewhere else, I have brought those things up in the past with partners. It boils down to communication.

If you are having difficulty, you can always write those things down, and 'accidently' leave your notebook open with 'ideas..' or something like that on top and if your partner 'stumbles' on it and looks, he may get the hint. It worked for me about 4 1/2 years ago, I left my notebook on top of my bag [I was in the shower] with a few things I wanted to try with my partner [vanilla] and that evening when he picked me up for dinner and 'adult time' he blindfolded me when I got in the truck and I will spare the details, but, it was a night I have never forgotten; after we broke up, he said he had found my notebook on the floor and when he was closing it it caught his eye.

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 9:33:23 PM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci
Well, as so often happens, ownedgirlie has said EXACTLY what I was going to. You said it, girl! Thanks for saving me all that typing..............luci

Does this mean we're sisters yet??

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 9:35:15 PM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaMspeach
I second that ... Thanks umm errrrrr ...yeah, girlie thats it.... unles you have decided to be wacky waffle again tonight. I am always so confused.

LOL it's wacky WAFER ya nut...WAFER!

Although waffles are good....too....yumm!

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 9:48:52 PM

MissMagnolia

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No response, I'm just here for the waffles.

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 10:13:32 PM

ItzKat

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Communication problems are a tough issue. We all want to play by the rules, but at times there are things that pop up in life that we can not control and have to react to. Sometime things feel good, some times they don't. No one person is the same day in and day out. Our energy and emotion ebbs and flows.

It is harder still because we have a natural urge to please our Doms. At times that means doing things we aren't into for his or her pleasure that knowing they are enjoying it gets us there. Very complicated stuff this...

We went through a period of frustration. We started having post scene chats. At first it was all...'oh it was great'... then it lead to 'I really liked it when you do this' and that lead to 'yeah... that didn't work so much for me'. From there we eventually started getting into details and rehashing all the peices of the scene. Once we were able to do that, we were able to make suggestions or ideas to try next time. It sort of became a time for us to be neutral. Eventually we started having check in calls during the day. If either of us were not in the mood for an intense scene we knew it before we got hom from work. This eased a lot of the miscues that led to the frustration we were having.

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 11:38:58 PM

briska

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Sir and i started having weekly "Sunday talks" (because they occured on Sundays) where we could have a looser dynamic (not dropping our roles because we're not acting) and could talk freely about whatever happened between us in the past week. I think alot of subs have issues with asking their Doms things because most of us strive for that 'ideal' quiet submissive - and this may be especially true of women. We don't want to trouble the Dom, we just want to make Him happy. But in all reality, if something is not working for me as His submissive, then that affects me as a submissive, and in my ability to do my job. Thusly, every one is more happy communicating. Which is probably very similar to what everyone else has said. :)

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 11:40:39 PM

twistedkytten

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it is very hard for me to get passed the slave asking for things.. as far as speaking about sensitive subjects ... I do so as respectfully as I can. Often times it is not what is said, but rather how.
Good luck

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 11:46:34 PM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

No response, I'm just here for the waffles.

Ha! Breakfast at my place - Saturday.

(Sorry OP for such hijacking, but I'm wacky, remember?)

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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/8/2007 11:50:46 PM

DiurnalVampire

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As far as I know, the boys have never had a problem asking me for anything. Its all about timing and phrasing. AS long as you dont wait until the most awkward moment possible, and you arent demanding or nasty in your questioning it shouldnt be a problem. Granted some things are harder to ask about, like my boys need permission to masturbate and they have to ask to get it. So, as far as i know, theyd rather skip the action than face having to ask about it. But for about everything else, its never been an issue.

DV

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