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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 1:05:33 AM

girlygurl

Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline

Now that you mention it OP, I do on occasion have trouble asking my Sir for help and/or specific play. I use my journal as a medium in which to communicate, but much of the time I let what's on my mind fester (I do not recomend the festering

). What eventually happens is I get emotional about something He knows little about because I haven't communicated what's on my mind. I agree with much of what others have stated... I don't want to bother him, I want to be the "perfect" little submissive and not "ask" Him for anything... My brain tells me to serve Him and give to Him, not ask of Him. The more I think about this I'm guessing I've cheated Him and me of good opportunities to grow closer due to my fear of asking for help. He did recently say to me "this is a partnership" hmmm... I suppose I better start giving more... more of me, by way of allowing Him to help.

I do want to add that He is so intune with my emotions... that He'll often ask me if I need to talk or whatever. I do love Him knowing me so well, but there are times when it's just too darn hard to ask! I need to work on this. Thanks OP for bring the subject up.

girly

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 21

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 2:24:51 AM

shootingstar67

Posts: 195
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline

I always just looked at my dom and said "wanna play?"

Never once was the answer no.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 22

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 2:30:58 AM

Absolutemaster

Posts: 79
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddyncherry

This is such a hard thing for me....i try not to ask for anything....and yet i am trying to learn to ask without feeling all bad about it.

Don't let it be difficult.

A Dom needs to know what His girl wants, otherwise He cannot provide. And that is one of the reasons He is there: to provide for His girl, and to give her as perfect a life as possible.

(in reply to daddyncherry)

Post #: 23

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 3:57:29 AM

BBWnNC72

Posts: 1155
Joined: 6/22/2007
From: NC since Jan of 2007, but born and raised in Cali
Status: offline

Hello all

i have a hard time asking for what i want, mostly it's asking for pain. Master and i are working on it. i have not had real pain in so long because He wants to me learn to ask for things. i know He is having a hard time too because He is a Sadist. and i get so frustrated that i cried the other night.
sometimes i scream in my head, "just ask stupid girl, ask Him to beat your ass and bite those nipples". and i run it through my head all the time but it never makes it out of my mouth.
other then me having a hard time asking for the pain i want, we communicate rather well.
i did ask Him once to put up a pair of curtains, but things like that dont count.

any ideas of why i have such a hard time asking for something i crave?

_____________________________

huggs and purrs
Brian's kat
a.k.a. "greedy monkey"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
i am who i am, i am not ashamed. spank me, beat me, bite me, pull my hair, dominate me, control me, but always respect me for who i am.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 24

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 4:17:31 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci
Well, as so often happens, ownedgirlie has said EXACTLY what I was going to. You said it, girl! Thanks for saving me all that typing..............luci

Does this mean we're sisters yet??

. Ya know, that whole concept would be funny if it weren't so sad. You and I are probably closer to being sisters than many of those who call themselves that. At least we seem to share a brain here on the forums. Some of the women encouraged to call each other "sister" for a dom probably know each other less and have less in common than we do on these boards from a thousand or so miles apart. Go figure...............luci
BTW: If I were to call any other slave "sister," it would be you. You think so much like me that you've got to be the smartest slave around

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 25

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 4:59:59 AM

MidnightMaiden

Posts: 142
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline

I kneel. I ask. He will always listen, he will consider it and then say yes or no.

How can he possibly take care of me if he doesn't know what my needs are? He made me agree from day one, that I would be completely and totally honest and forthright, in everything I discussed with him, and that I was not to wait until he asked, if I felt there was something he should be apprised of it was my duty to inform him.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 26

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 6:13:18 AM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

'If you don't know then I'm not going to tell you.'
Women often think men should know what they need.
They often don't.
So you have to learn to ask.
Women in general have more empathy than men.
So as a Domme I tell my partner what I need from him.
He does it and then everything is fine in the relationship.
I don't get angry with him for not having empathy for my needs.
He is then happy that he has pleased me.
He rarely needs to ask I'm usually way ahead of him with what he needs.
Wants well that's different. Begging usually does the trick.
The above is a fantasy as I don't have a sub.

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)

Post #: 27

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 6:32:15 AM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

I have never felt uncomfortable asking Master for things or to do things. I just ask. A D/s, M/s relationship is a mutual one and everyone is human and no one can read minds. Communication is essential to keep things going smoothly and address issues.

We talk about everything and I have never felt there is nothing I can't ask, I may not like the answer but I know I can communicate anything to him.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to Morghan)

Post #: 28

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 6:50:34 AM

wisteriaV

Posts: 438
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

No response, I'm just here for the waffles.

What would you like with your waffles MaaM?

I figure I can ask Vanatru ( Master) anything and the worse thing he can do is say no. However I do think things through and make sure I have my bases covered because Master is very detailed oriented in things. Otherwise a simple request can be a 20 minute disertation in answering the question or request posed to him.

_____________________________

Every story has two sides , much like a coin and neither one is totally perfect.
If it doesn't float your boat, then don't get in the water~!

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 29

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 8:47:49 AM

daddysprop247

Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline

having a difficult time asking for personal wants, desires, needs is a common characteristic among submissives. for most of my life, my attitude was basically that if bleeding to death, i'd much rather curl up in a corner and die quietly and discreetly than cause anyone else the slightest bit of disturbance. obviously, not a healthy attitude and not one that encourages ease of communication within a serious relationship, D/s or not.

what has helped to overcome this is my Master's own attitude towards my sharing things with him. He's taught me to be very observant of him and his various moods, and the understanding is that i can only make personal requests of him in the right place and time. which means that if he's in a positive, open sort of mood, and if upon careful reflection i feel that the particular thing i request is not totally undeserved, i may go to him humbly and politely and ask. otherwise, keep it to myself, and work on discarding/forgetting about that desire. this model works very well, as it keeps those feelings of selfishness and manipulation at bay, knowing that i am not just free to ask anything of him, whenever i feel like it, and also knowing that even at the times i do he is not necessarily going to grant my request, no explaination given.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 30

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 9:11:52 AM

charlotte12

Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

My logical brain works along the same lines as what ownedgirlie said. Sadly my emotions haven't completely caught up to my mind yet so often in my attempts to make sure i'im communicating with Master and not holding back i end up dwelling on stuff and going to the other extreme of starting to make demands. Usually he is very patient as we are still fairly new to eachother and he understands that i am still adjusting to slavery. I guess i'm just trying to find the balance between communicating the things i feel i need with out acting like they're rights i have. I know that will come when i finally stop fighting for control lol.

It's funny because before he collared me i actually had a lot harder time talking about stuff that was bothering me. I had a hard time asserting myself and asking for what i need. Now that i am no longer in a position to make those decisions i find myself trying to do it more. Hmmm...this has got me thinking about something. If i can get my thoughts together i'll start a different thread instead of rambling in this one.

_____________________________

Stephan's slaveling

"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to Morghan)

Post #: 31

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 9:52:28 AM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline

This is a great thread. I'm struggling with this too. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the dreaded topping from the bottom if I ask for things I want or need. Not even so much that I'm affraid he thinks that, but because I feel uncomfortable doing that myself. But things like getting tied up with rope, that aren't at the top of his mind, are so intense and satisfying to me and create such an important headspace and dynamic for me that I make myself ask.

Trying to encourage him to learn shibari is tricky... he doesn't mind that I go to others to get my my fix, especially since we're long distance, but I'd love to share that dynamic with him because it would be so incredibly intense whith our emotional dynamic, rather than just getting a one-dimensional physical bondage fix. Tricky to encourage the Master to become a student. But I feel like it would bring so much more to our relationship. But I also don't feel like it is my place to ask that of him. Tricky.

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to charlotte12)

Post #: 32

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 10:07:05 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Morghan

It could be asking for help, asking for play you want, asking to talk about a sensetive subject, etc. How well do you deal with asking your Dominant/Owner etc for things large or small? If you've had difficulty, how have you worked to overcome that?

this slave is required to ask for clarification of any order she doesn't understand, for help if something is beyond the scope of her capabilities, as well as for anything this slave needs or wants.
over time, He has allowed this slave permission to engage in certain specific activities anytime it crosses her mind to do so.
"deal" with it? with joy!

(in reply to Morghan)

Post #: 33

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 10:14:47 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

I'm afraid of rejection. That combined with an ingrained attitude that I should be totally independent makes this difficult.

For play, I almost never ask. But I will subtly show that I'm up for it, wiggle my butt, say something witty to give him an opening that I'm being bratty and are going to get what I deserve. It's a play thing between us. Of course, coming out naked, laying across his lap and asking him to scratch my back gets more than one itch scratched, and a well spanked butt!

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 34

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 4:07:00 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Morghan

It could be asking for help, asking for play you want, asking to talk about a sensetive subject, etc. How well do you deal with asking your Dominant/Owner etc for things large or small? If you've had difficulty, how have you worked to overcome that?

I deal with it very well. Once he told me that to not ask is to actually withold authority from him, I was able to get over my uneasiness with it. In not asking for what I want, I was making the decision that I would not have it instead of transfering that decision to him by asking permission for it.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Morghan)

Post #: 35

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 5:23:27 PM

denika

Posts: 619
Joined: 8/30/2005
Status: offline

I have a hard time asking for some things, it really depends on the situation. As gregarious and outgoing as I can seem I'm actually pretty shy. It can also depend on who I am asking. Some people, I can talk freely with and share my inner me, including needs,wants,desires etc. Well, not completly ets, when it comes to talking about sex, no matter who it is, including my husband of 17 years I still can't spit it out half the time *g*

Wolf's

denika

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 36

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 8:14:44 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Morghan

It could be asking for help, asking for play you want, asking to talk about a sensetive subject, etc. How well do you deal with asking your Dominant/Owner etc for things large or small? If you've had difficulty, how have you worked to overcome that?

It depends on what I'm asking for. I've never had a problem asking for something like an ass whipping.
But when it comes to sensitive topics and 'discussions', I am usually nervous to bring stuff up, but if I do it carefully and in the correct tone, nothing bad happens and issues are nicely cleared up.
If I'm being an asshole about something, like asking for help without being willing to be completely open as to why I need that help, then it's a whole other story.
Not sure how I've worked to overcome that, but being told to go reflect and write about it can sometimes get me to open up more completely and helps me get things back in the correct perspective and get it back to a point where we can have a productive discussion about a particular matter and reach a resolution.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to Morghan)

Post #: 37

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 8:28:28 PM

Michaelsangel

Posts: 49
Joined: 10/15/2007
From: Portland Oregon
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rubberpet

I feel I can talk to Mistress about anything without the fear or judgement or consequences. She tells me all the time that I can ask Her for anything. We have a unique relationship, though. She takes amazing care of me and constantly does everything She can to make me feel loved and secure in my place at Her feet. We both believe in open and honest comminication with no secrets. If one of our needs is not being met, all we have to do is inform the other and we resolve the problem. It just works for us.

Sir and i are pretty much the same as rubberpet( i can't say exactly because no two relationships are alike) i have been taught that it is okay to ask for whatever i want, no matter how large or small a thing it is.

We have an excellent rapport and i have His blanket permission to always speak freely and ask questions or for things when i need to.

rose aka Michaelsangel

(in reply to rubberpet)

Post #: 38

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/9/2007 9:05:44 PM

dawndewdropbaby

Posts: 37
Joined: 1/29/2005
Status: offline

I often am afraid to want things. I have my entire life, I hate asking things of others.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 39

RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/10/2007 8:16:32 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Morghan

It could be asking for help, asking for play you want, asking to talk about a sensetive subject, etc. How well do you deal with asking your Dominant/Owner etc for things large or small? If you've had difficulty, how have you worked to overcome that?

Actually, he's the one person that I don't have a problem with, when it comes to asking. Over the years that we've known each other he's made my reservations redundant by pointing out a few things consistantly...

If I don't ask, I reduce my chances of getting.

It's a bit silly not to ultilize any expertise he has.

Not discussing subjects that are difficult makes more work further along the line.

The sky didn't fall down the last time I asked.

He really DOES want to know what I want even if he can't/doesn't want to *do* anything about it.

Other people LIKE helping and it's a bit selfish never to give them that pleasure.

If I choose not to ask, I choose the consequences of not asking.

Basically, I've overcome it because he created an environment where I wanted to do so. If I choose not to approach him about something, he would view it as bit self-defeating and he's quite prepared to let me discover that for myself. He tends to shine a light on what I'm doing so that I can see it for myself.

How have *I* worked to overcome it?.......By actually listening to what he's said.

agirl

< Message edited by agirl -- 11/10/2007 8:17:44 AM >

(in reply to Morghan)

Post #: 40

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