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RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/10/2007 8:21:40 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		i am stubborn and self-reliant and hate/loathe/dread asking anyone for anything, so when push comes to shove and i absolutely, positively, need something that i can't do for myself, then i just flat out ask...

anyone who knows a lick about me, knows asking in and of itself was the harderst thing for me to do in the first place, so it's generally received quite well, no matter how i ask!

(in reply to Morghan)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/10/2007 9:30:33 AM   
greenearth21


Posts: 228
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline 		I have a difficult time asking for things and sometimes when it is a pressing issue, I find a way to ask it and He picks up...or sometimes he can tell I have a question but afraid to ask and he says "what is it", which helps alittle.  It isn't that I have this "ideal quiet sub" idea that I try to fulfill, but I'm just used to not asking and doing things alone.  He and I have an intersting friendship which makes it easy for me to bring things in joking way and it gets dealt that way (if its a serious issue, we discuss it seriously and if it is a joking issue we laugh through it)

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/13/2007 3:13:50 AM   
Morghan


Posts: 99
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		This trend in responses sounds a lot like what I've encountered.  Getting my boy to ask for things at first felt like pulling teeth.  Seeing progress and getting him to ask and then *receive* has been really satisfying. 

Thanks everyone!

Morghan


< Message edited by Morghan -- 11/13/2007 3:14:55 AM >

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/13/2007 8:12:42 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Morghan

It could be asking for help, asking for play you want, asking to talk about a sensetive subject, etc.  How well do you deal with asking your Dominant/Owner etc for things large or small?  If you've had difficulty, how have you worked to overcome that?

I have a VERY hard time with this.... I haven't over come this yet. I am hoping I will get over this fear of asking for specific things


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(in reply to Morghan)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/13/2007 8:20:36 AM   
AMaster


Posts: 814
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline 		There is no relationship without communication.  Expressing your needs is part of that.

(in reply to daddysliloneds)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/13/2007 10:43:49 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		since Daddy and i communicate regularly, i have no difficulty asking for His help or requesting special gifts ie allowance.  recently i expressed my feelings because i felt He was neglecting me due to His busy schedule. the same can be said with my SO.

dominants aren't mind readers so it's up to you express your needs, wants etc.

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(in reply to Morghan)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/13/2007 11:00:41 AM   
BruisedTonsils


Posts: 11
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline 		I have a terrible time with this.  It seems like when I ask for something specific, I do not get it anyway.  So I tend to give up.  It was my birthday last week, and I asked for birthday spankings, never received them. 

I hate to ask for anything I want.

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/13/2007 2:31:46 PM   
forg0ttenclone


Posts: 62
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline 		I've found communication to be the most important part of my relationship with my Dominant.  There are times when a subject or topic comes up where it is hard to convey everything in my head without them coming out all wrong.  Even in the midst of play, due to the emotions welling up from the pain and discipline, if something i need to get off of my chest comes up, i will immediately voice my concern to my Dominant.  We take time, however much that may be to sit and talk.  Even if it takes 30-45min for a single thought to come out correctly.  The time is taken to allow me the mental and emotional relief that getting it out may bring about and shortly there after continue play.  Discipline and play is a major emotional release for me and helps me to release many things i may have balled up and pushed away inside.

As far as asking, i have no problem flat out asking my Dominant for whatever it is i may need.  A want is one thing, but a need is something completely different.  If we are playing and i know my instincts are to try to block something coming at me, i will ask to be restrained so as not to attempt to do so in order to take whatever it is She may be dishing out. <laugh>  Damn instincts!

(in reply to Morghan)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/13/2007 2:42:42 PM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline 		~~fast reply~~

Daddy is working on this one with me.  him saying "tell me" and refusing to proceed until i do....is working on that.  *sighs*

kitten, who doesnt like asking for anything besides someone getting things down from high places.  the stepladder has been taken OFF my list of things i am allowed to do.

(in reply to forg0ttenclone)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/13/2007 5:15:19 PM   
Morghan


Posts: 99
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		girlygurl:

One of the reasons I brought up the subject is that while my pup feels I am near-psychic in my reading of him, thats not 100%.  If I'm having a hormonal day or there are other real world distractions, its really important to know he can get my attention to talk about something important.  And we seem to be doing well, so no complaints :)  I'm glad it started a good thread.

Morghan

(in reply to girlygurl)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/16/2007 11:43:51 PM   
hisdevotedtoy


Posts: 17
Joined: 8/17/2007
Status: offline 		If i really need something i will just ask for it... like lately i have needed some rather rough 'play' and i just came out and asked for it.  But, like always He usually knows what i am craving before i even realize it.  Other things that are in my head, or sensitive topics i want to talk about, i generally just put in my journal and get all the things that are mixed up in my head out, He reads it, and then we talk about it.

(in reply to Morghan)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/17/2007 3:36:50 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		Growing up i had to be totally self-reliant even as a child.  It was next to impossible for me to ask for help with anything at all, even if it was beyond my capabilities, in fact, i would look for 'work-around' instead of asking for help.  Then one day i realized just how selfish and controlling that was!  i was denying others of the opportunity to feel powerful and generous.  What i was calling self-reliance was really pretty arrogant. 

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(in reply to Morghan)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/17/2007 1:09:56 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		i dont ever want to ask my M'Lady for anything as i dont feel as a sub its my place to do so, many times i dont even know what to ask. im in a poly relationship im married as is my M'Lady i only want to please her never to upset her or her primary relationship with her husband.i will do anything she asks of me but i do not wish to ask of her anything for mysake alone.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/17/2007 1:42:13 PM   
grlneedstolearn


Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline 		i tend to go around the subject until he understands what i'm trying to say and he'll say it. Then i can sometimes openly talk about it.

(in reply to Morghan)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: How do you feel about asking? - 11/17/2007 2:54:32 PM   
unravel


Posts: 90
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

Not asking for what one wants is a passive-aggressive control mechanism. If you don't ask, others cannot meet your needs / desires.

If you are asking advice for your sub, I would say that not asking puts the Dominant at a distinct disadvantage and out of the position of control. The sub's neglect to disclose wants and needs puts the sub in the position of power.

Also, without all the information, the Dominant is operating on a false idea of the sub's wants / needs or an ignorant understanding of the sub's wants / needs. Informed parties make for healthier relationships.

If you are asking on your own behalf, as being unable to articulate your desires to your sub, you weaken your own authority by refraining to disclose important information. The sub can only give you what he or she knows to give, based on your expression of desire. The passive-aggressive nature of non-disclosure erodes the power structure of the relationship and is an indirect and weak method of authority.

In addition, in both instances the eventual disclosure causes hurt and distrust. "I didn't know you wanted X, and all this time I've been doing Y. I feel so foolish. Why didn't you tell me sooner?" It leads to thoughts of "What else don't I know?"

i am in full agreement with batshalom here.  one can ask, it is simply a matter of doing it respectfully, but not asking at all, ever, would end up being unhealthy and lead to resentment down the road, no?
unravel

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 55
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