RE: DISRESPECTING “RED”/”STOP”/”SAFE WORD”

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RE: DISRESPECTING “RED”/”STOP”/”SAFE WORD” - 10/28/2006 9:38:22 PM

Bluebird

Posts: 384
Joined: 2/17/2006
From: Las Vegas
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I don't usually use "safewords" as such, but I am fine if someone wants to. Generally, I tell my sub to call me "Ma'am" during the session, and if they need to get my attention (i.e. yellow), just call me by my first name. Since that is out of place in play, I hear that quickly. If the sub is gagged, I ask that they start singing the ABC song because even though I won't be able to hear the words, I will immediately know that is not appropriate music in the dungeon. None of these, of course, are a substitute for the dom/me carefully paying attention to the sub's needs and reactions, but when you are playing with someone new, sometimes you just don't know *exactly* what reaction you are looking for.

And of course, if any of the above signals are used, or I just feel something is not right, I slow the intensity or stop. To try make the sub/bottom feel bad for signaling shows immaturity on the part of the dom/top. Immaturity in this realm can be just plain dangerous.

< Message edited by Bluebird -- 10/28/2006 9:42:42 PM >

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RE: DISRESPECTING “RED”/”STOP”/”SAFE WORD” - 10/28/2006 11:41:09 PM

MadameMarque

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Joined: 3/19/2005
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The difference between BDSM/D/s and assault is consent.

When he continued to act against your explicit refusal to continue, it became criminal.

You negotiated the terms of your consent, and they were clearly violated, more than once. Not only do you have no obligation, as a slave or submissive, to submit to assault from a person gone out of control, but you might say that you have an obligation to protect yourself from it. This obligation is certainly to yourself and in your case, you also have an obligation to "protect the property" of your master.

Your master and you will, I'm sure, be revisiting how best to secure your safety, in the future. Based upon what you've said, this could have turned out much worse, since you came out of it alive and haven't mentioned being severely physically injured.

I'm sorry to know that you've gone thru such a trauma.

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RE: DISRESPECTING “RED”/”STOP”/”SAFE WORD” - 10/30/2006 10:38:09 AM

Celeste43

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Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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You should have used the safe word the moment he told you that you were using too many color words. He showed at that moment that he would not respect you. You're fortunate that he did indeed stop when you used your safe word.

I think however that you would do better not to play with others except in situations where you can have a trusted friend oversee to help insure your safety.

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RE: DISRESPECTING “RED”/”STOP”/”SAFE WORD” - 10/31/2006 1:23:20 PM

Termyn8or

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Joined: 11/12/2005
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Psychology. If someone gives me a yellow twice during the same activity, I would stop there. I would probably go to the toybox and say "OK my pretty, let's see vat else is in ze toybox shall ve ?". I am not saying I am all knowing and all experienced, but it seems to me that the top does not tell the bottom when to use safewords and such.

It seems though, that he did stretch your limits. The problem is that it is hard to discern people's motivation. If he really just wanted to push you farther than you have ever gone before, in his mind he has done no wrong, of course there are other possibilities.

He might be on a power trip. All Dom/mes have a component of that in their personality, but just how much ? Enough to ignore a safeword ? That's already too much for me. It's like an addiction for some people and if they got enough money, you won't have a life, might never see the light of day again.

There is an even worse possibility, that this guy is a true sadist.

So the breakdown is thus:

If he had the best of intentions, he might not call again out of embarrassment. Also your Master may have told him not to call until he is ready to apologize to you, and he may be unwilling to do that.

If he's on more of a power trip than he should be, his attitude is probabl;y 'screw you', and he is looking for fresh meat.

If he is a true sadist, try not to meet up with him in a dark alley alone. He might be compulsive/obsessive and this could mean trouble.

That is the biggest problem in this game, there are really some crazies out there, and I hope none of us run into them.

If this guy had sent you an email that said something like "Things mean different things to different people, perhaps I took it the wrong way and....", but you have heard nothing.

In any case, he is to be avoided. If he ever harasses you or hurts you, give up his name. I for one will spread his name across the internet so much that he would rather have his picture on the front page of the NY Times. I'm sure I can get some help to do this.

Just remember, one bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch.

T

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RE: DISRESPECTING “RED”/”STOP”/”SAFE WORD” - 10/31/2006 2:05:47 PM

Bearlee

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Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
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Hmmmmm… What of the submissive who is so messed up she forgets her safeword?

I am an experienced player (with equally experienced friends with whom I play…cuz I’m single). A friend recently had me strung up on a cross (in a leather hood) and had been flogging me…when he came up behind me and put the crook of his arm around my neck. He had once before just laid his hand over my throat and enjoyed how I immediately settled. I thought nothing of his behavior, except that it was nice to feel him so close to me; I leaned back into him.

I remember feeling tingly all over; my ears kinda ‘buzzed’…and then the next thing I remember was the feeling of straightening up; my legs extending as if I had not been standing….and feeling like I was going to puke. I leaned into the deep ‘v’ of the cross retching (in the dammed leather hood), begging him to take it off; take it off now! Of course he did, immediately…talking quietly in my ear as he quickly unlaced the back and unbuckled other parts. I was kinda hysterical, crying “please, please…stop, take it off, take it off”; but no safe word! Even as he stroked my back, I felt awful and said I was going to be sick, and please to let me go. He did immediately; I was hot, sweaty, clammy and still retching. He took me to the bathroom and raised the lid on the toilet and held my hair out of my face and rubbed my back while I panted into the seat. I never did get sick, but I felt really awful.

We stayed in the bathroom for perhaps five minutes before I realized I had not used a safeword. He laughed at me and said “Safeword?” LOL Like Merc, he has no use for them. I only play with folks I know and trust…or who are at least present and paying close attention to my play with someone I’m newly interested in. The fact that I had no safeword, or couldn’t think straight enough to use the safeword was of no consequence…I was with someone who was paying attention, who could see I was in trouble, and who reacted quickly to care for me.

That in another five minutes he marched me right back to the cross and (sans hood or restraints), continued with a bit more flogging and ended up using a single-tail on me till I bled was perhaps the best part and exactly what I needed and wanted.

As it turns out, I’d passed out and had been hanging in my restraints. I don’t think its wise play for me though, and won’t be doing breath play like that in the future. So…I’d say safewords are only as good as the Dominant with whom you’re playing. I know its heresy, but I have no use for them anymore.

bear

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RE: DISRESPECTING “RED”/”STOP”/”SAFE WORD” - 10/31/2006 5:41:43 PM

Owned1

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From: Toronto, Ontario
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An excellent post Bearlee, this is something everyone needs to read and understand before they play.

There are inherent dangers in play, that is part of the reason it gives both such a rush however when you play with those who know you and are knowledgeable about themselves and the one they are playing with the dangers can be a rush rather than a rush to death.

Owned

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RE: DISRESPECTING “RED”/”STOP”/”SAFE WORD” - 11/1/2006 11:50:00 AM

Termyn8or

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Bearlee;

I hope that playmate is still around for you, sounds like they are pretty cool and actually care about you. Unlike the asshole to which the OP was referring.

I don't know if I would stay with you at the porcelin receptacle, I'm sure it was nice he pulled your hair out of the way, but I think most people would rather puke alone. I guess that's a judgement call, but if you know each other well, you know what to do. After all, if you forgot your safeword you probably weren't communicating too well at the moment.

You might want to repost your post in the other thread, it is all about being able to tell something is wrong in other ways, for example, there is no safeword when wearing a strict gag. People are coming up with some good ideas and I think your post should be included there. Good playmates are hard to find, and newbies should be reading all of this.

In this discussion I have reached some conclusions.

1. It can never be totally safe.

2. Sane ? bullshit, if we stay away from the insane we are doing fine. Gray area.

3. Consentual is an oxymoron, it is always a matter of how far you can be pushed.

Safe, sane and consentual is a goal to be strived for, but never completely achieved. I think being tied up in some way is always a risk, it is not completely sane to "consent" to be at another's mercy for your very life. But it is a risk worth taking, otherwise none of us would be here.

Have fun.

T

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RE: DISRESPECTING “RED”/”STOP”/”SAFE WORD” - 11/1/2006 3:49:57 PM

shadevarr

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Gods, reading about Doms like that make me glad that I will not allow anyone with my slave unattented. Red doesn't have to follow yellow, if something hurts bad enough to make the sub want to stop then it stops. I think some of these Doms fail to realize that by not acknowledging safe words they are removing consent hence the scene becomes an illegal activity and they could face jail time if the sub wished such.

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RE: DISRESPECTING “RED”/”STOP”/”SAFE WORD” - 11/6/2006 9:06:24 AM

patina

Posts: 493
Joined: 9/14/2006
From: no
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[/quote]
That was in my opinion a good move on your part. Bathrooms have doors that have locks. Some so-called Doms don't respect those, but for them there are other means to secure the door and / or safety. I would suggest politely asking the wanna-be---- ummmm--- Pretending Horribly Offensive Nauseating Egotistical Yokel (Make aconym of that?!?) -- Ummm --- Dom to depart the premises, and to not let the moveable portion of the portal impact his Gluteus Maximus on his way out.
[/quote]
Please remember that this feedback is written from the top of my head, and may offend some. It is how I feel having read your post. If I have mis-interpreted, then accept my apology and tell me where I read it wrong.

For any flamers out there... I am a Professional Nurse and a Volunteer Firefighter. I know how to treat burns as well as put out fires.

[/quote]

My feedback is I agree. I made the mistake of accepting the invitation of a Dom's to spend a few days with him to be trained. Yeah right, I was a housekeeper, maid, and sex toy that is all. He on the other hand is a little boy in a mans body playing at being a Dom. He had no idea of how to really do the spankings, without causing pain and harm. After he had hit for a while and it got to where it was hurting a bit I asked him to honor the safety word he said no I needed to extend my limit. What limit this was my first time. I had been through a hand spanking, a rope, a plastic pain stick w/ holes in it. and now a wooden spoon. I finally just got up off of the bed and said Enough. He answered you did very good for your first time. You can play on your comp. now, then he went and got himself some food.

I wonder where was your Master at during this play session? What does he say now?

Patina

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