stella41b
Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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Is desperate necessarily all that bad? What is 'desperate' anyway, if not just plain, simple insecurity? And how many of us here, if we are prepared to be completely honest with ourselves, have never ever been insecure in our lives?
I don't necessarily disagree with all the posters previously except for the fact that I make a distinction between a basic lack of self-respect - which I feel is behind the fear the other posters here have of someone who is 'desperate', and insecurity. Nobody wants to be with someone who doesn't respect themselves, who doesn't value themselves, because if they cannot respect themselves or place a high enough value on themselves, then how are they ever going to respect or value you?
What is it anyway which creates a relationship anyway, if not pure and simple emotional needs? Don't we have all emotional needs which we seek to be fulfilled? Is there anyone here among us who can get by and live without being accepted by other people? Can we truly get by and survive without contact and interaction with our fellow human beings? Can we live without friendship? Warmth? Understanding? How many of us out there find it harder to cope with living on one's own than being in a relationship? Isn't it better to feel needed, loved, respected?
The reason why I refuse to accept and automatically assume that 'desperate' is always bad is that I feel I live in the real world and among real people, and I look around myself, and I know that not always people are with each other for the right reasons and some of us are not even with the right people. Though many of us would like to pretend otherwise this is something I feel is a part of reality, and if we are truly to mature and develop and learn to love someone else, then surely part of that learning process involves taking risks, making mistakes, and learning to face up to and deal with the consequences of our mistakes.
I would therefore like to ask all those who feel automatically that 'desperate' in someone is automatically bad - how do you know? On what basis are you drawing your conclusions and making your assumptions? Are you not judging people on the basis of actions of other people you have previously encountered? Is this fair?
And where do you draw the line between self-interest in a relationship and mutual interest? At what point does 'you' and 'me' become 'we'?
You see, the way I see it every new contact and every new person you come across is an unknown quantity, how the relationship is going to look is unclear.. you don't know, because you cannot know. Nobody here I feel is a clairvoyant or a mindreader, all we have to go on is our past experiences and our previous relationships and even then this isn't necessarily a reliable guide. If our previous relationships were so good, wouldn't we still be in them?
We can even turn the whole argument on its head to expose the fallacies within.. If 'desperate' is so bad and causes us to walk away, then does this mean that hesitation, procrastination and reticence is good? Is it really that enjoyable to be held at arm's length by someone and to be kept waiting and hanging on? Of course not, so where does the middle ground lie?
I personally feel that the middle ground lies in taking the bull by the horns and taking the chance. Yes we can get hurt, yes we can be deceived, and yes we can be rejected at any point, but you know, there's no way we can find the fulfillment of our emotional needs or to find that togetherness, harmony or love without taking the risks.
Maybe I am being naive, but I assume that I have a brain and a tongue in my head, and so does the other person, and therefore the only guarantee against being hurt, rejected and deceived is through honesty, sincerity and clear and frank communication. Being 'desperate' to me isn't a personal trait, it's a temporary emotional state and it is always or almost always caused by some sort of insecurity. Maybe this person has tried to form relationships in the past, once, twice, three times or even many times over a number of years and has failed. Why is this always seen as bad? Is there anyone here who has never failed at a relationship? Are we so perfect to have never screwed up on a date? Have we never messed up a friendship or a relationship through a bad decision or an error of judgment?
I am not saying here, and have never stated that being 'desperate' is good or a positive quality. I see being desperate as a problem someone has, it's their problem because it's their insecurity, and either that insecurity is resolved through being with me and we can go on to develop and build a relationship, or it isn't, and we agree to disagree and move on.
Life holds no guarantees, and sadly, neither do relationships, as I guess most of us know from not just our own experiences and the experiences of other people in our lives. Whilst external qualities attract us to other people, such as our age, appearance, style and interests, quite often the 'glue' in the relationship and what keeps us together is how we face up to and deal with difficult situations and among these difficult sityuations is learning to deal with and handle each others' insecurities, because if we cannot resolve our insecurities in each other, the relationship is doomed to failure anyway.
Therefore I stand by my opinion that 'desperate' isn't always bad, and it isn't always good, but it's something that I personally am not afraid of to encounter in another person.
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