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DominaSmartass -> RE: Why the Administrators cannot allow blacklists, but there is a way to be proactive in the commun (12/10/2007 6:03:36 PM)
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Apparently, most people agree that the idea of a blacklist is pretty unrealistic and absurd. That's not surprising. However, I don't think that means that no one's behavior should ever be questioned just because they're into kinky activities. Why does being in "the scene" mean that we have to collapse into a place of complete moral relativism? Why is anything and everything OK just because someone somewhere is getting off on it? There are untouchables, like the kids/animals/pets/the dead that we can mostly all agree on...but how many other things used to be looked down upon only to eventually become acceptable? I'm not saying I think that necrophelia is on its way to your local munch but rather that I'm not sure who drew the line of what's acceptable just short of boinking a goat...and I'm not so sure I agree with them.
Of course, you'll all say, that I don't have to agree. No one is forcing me to participate. Very true. Which is why when something happens between 2 consenting adults, that is less of an issue for me than when I witness the same person take on one after another - newcomer or not - and swallow them up and spit them out. I think we can all tell the difference between the "drama" of a breakup and the reality of a predator. I think most of us are lucky enough to have not encountered true predators in the scene and because of that we are quick to write off their existence as a bad pairing or a new person's frenzy to dive in. We all claim to be adults with working brains and all the rest but I have seen such adults taken advantage of by people, whom I later found out, had quite the history. A history that involved hiding out in the local scenes of various cities along the east coast, doing the same thing to one person after another, and never getting caught because people didn't want to start a big deal. This person, it turns out, was a wanted felon.
If you personally knew someone (forget rumors, gossip, and hearsay) I mean if you personally witnessed someone go through multiple relationships and repeat the same pattern each time, ending the same way each time, and each time the person who was in the relationship with our "predator" came out damaged, how long would it take for you to caution someone against getting involved with that person. I'd give anyone the benefit of the doubt but I have seen people go through 3, 4, 5 relationship where they all end the same and the person who was not the common denominator came out with horror stories. But...I guess that's ok right? No need to give anyone fair warning regarding what they may be getting involved with.
The ones who usually cry out loudest against any sort of blacklist are the heavy players yet it's the admittedly heavy players that I've encountered who are most concerned with things like relative safety and consent. They know what they are doing is edgy and they are very cautious about who they play or get involved with, in my experience. You don't see the heaviest player in town going out and picking up the bdsm-virgin and beating them within an inch of their life. At least I never have. What you do see, in the case of a predator, is someone who looks pretty innocent from the outside, someone who looks all nice and cuddly and safe for beginners, but who changes once he/she latches onto someone enough that they can't easily pull themselves away.
So, I ask all of you, not to blacklist people in your local community because an ex-sub comes crying "abuse" but not to ignore what you see either. I'm tired of not taking a stand when my gut says something is wrong out of fear of not keeping peace with everyone. If someone's ego is so fragile that they can't take a little doubt then maybe they shouldn't be playing at this either. I've seen people questioned over what they are doing who come right out and stand up for themselves and people learn something. I've also seen people do absolutely horrible things that ended badly for many involved and never get the slightest bit of question because others were so afraid of looking judgemental. I hate to tell you, but we all make judgements. The only real question is, will they say it to your face or start rumors and gossip behind your back because they are too scared of looking like the kink police?
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