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RE: Switches need not apply - 1/23/2008 8:08:40 PM

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Joined: 12/25/2007
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call me whatever you like, I choose switch as it covers my ability to take on a different roles based on my partners desires or needs, but its just a word, means very little, if someone looking for a partner automatically cancels me out based on the word label of switch, I'm sorry, they are not worth getting to knwo me anyways, if they can't get to know someone before judging, than tough crap for them

I hear some of you folks saying once bitten twice shy, but if you always assume the next person will bite you (without your consent or approval) then your so not being open to what that person might have to offer you, and thats a huge shame. that person could be that one to touch you so deep you always remember it, but you won't ever know if you let a label stop you.

just my thoughts, not trying to pick on anyone

(in reply to lapresence)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/23/2008 8:15:04 PM

Posts: 44
Joined: 8/7/2007
From: Marina del Rey, CA
Status: offline

Maybe it's because I'm fairly new to this, or am maybe not a complete submissive, or whatever- I didn't know that there was such animosity towards switches... I would guess that the reason people ask that switches don't apply is that they don't want to be concerned with the side of the switch that doesn't help them. A dom may not want to worry that his sub may one day want to top someone and a sub may not ever have to worry about being asked to top... But again- I'm a novice so what do I know

(in reply to Leatherist)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/23/2008 8:16:00 PM

Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline

Please note the use of the word "SOME" in each statement. This is not meant to be a broad, sweeping generalization.

Some people aren't secure enough in their particular role to handle a switch personality. They fear that a switch may want to switch with them - and succeed.

Some are secure enough, but don't wish to deal with the possibility of a switch trying to flip the tables. They may see the power struggle as inevitable and undesirable.

Some people might assume that being a switch means the person in question NEEDS to dominate and submit at varying times, when in some cases a switch may be perfectly happy only being in one role in a monogamous relationship. Some other Top/switch or bottom/switch couples see to the switches other needs by playing with approved partners, but return home to their partner and do not seek sexual partners.

Some people don't want to deal with the possibility of a switch having attitude problems related to their switching nature - whether those problems actually exist or not. A Dom/me may want a perfect, idolizing submissive to tend to their every whim, without so much as a glimmer of Top peeking through. A submissive may want a big, strong, strapping Uber Domly Dom to see that they're always in line, all the time - without so much as a hint of submissive nature. And while it's likely safe to say that switches are primarily in control of their moods... some people may worry about the possibility of a switch slipping and sliding from one 'role' to the other.

Personally... I don't mind just so long as the switch in question understands and respects my limits and boundaries. And so long as they realize that if they feel the need to scratch the switch itch they'll have to run potential play partners by me and have them be approved. Providing that a switch could live within these parameters I'd have no qualms about opening my home, heart and life to someone who identifies as a switch.

< Message edited by MadameDahlia -- 1/23/2008 8:18:23 PM >

_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to lapresence)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/23/2008 8:28:11 PM

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Wonderfully said, and extremely mature-thank you.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to MadameDahlia)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/23/2008 8:36:13 PM

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I only see it in this way. I'm pure D. I can't be anything else. And all that means is that I can't give a switch all they need and that doesn't seem right or fair.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to Leatherist)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/23/2008 8:36:51 PM

Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Wonderfully said, and extremely mature-thank you.

My pleasure.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

I only see it in this way. I'm pure D. I can't be anything else. And all that means is that I can't give a switch all they need and that doesn't seem right or fair.

I understand what you're saying. And I know that there are some switches who would be unhappy with a monogamous relationship that forced them to remain in one role.

However, there are those who identify as switch because they have the mental wiring and capacity to switch... but ultimately base their role on the role their partner assumes and/or identifies as.

< Message edited by MadameDahlia -- 1/23/2008 8:39:45 PM >

_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to Leatherist)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/23/2008 8:41:16 PM

Posts: 94
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: vampiresscammy

call me whatever you like, I choose switch as it covers my ability to take on a different roles based on my partners desires or needs, but its just a word, means very little, if someone looking for a partner automatically cancels me out based on the word label of switch, I'm sorry, they are not worth getting to knwo me anyways, if they can't get to know someone before judging, than tough crap for them

I hear some of you folks saying once bitten twice shy, but if you always assume the next person will bite you (without your consent or approval) then your so not being open to what that person might have to offer you, and thats a huge shame. that person could be that one to touch you so deep you always remember it, but you won't ever know if you let a label stop you.

just my thoughts, not trying to pick on anyone

Say rather 4 times bitten, 8 times shy. My own personal experience with male switches has been: "okay, I'll dominate you," then, once I'm involved, say "here, dominate me now." That wasn't what was agreed upon, but I'm a real pleaser, and I've tried. But it's not in me. Why put in the energy into something, and then they do a bait and switch on you? So, sadly, it's easier not to go there.

Does that mean I've missed out? Perhaps, but it's saved me a lot of heartache. I do need someone that is going to want to dominate me 24/7. It's not fair to either partner if we can't get our needs met.

(in reply to vampiresscammy)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/23/2008 8:46:16 PM

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Joined: 12/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lapresence

quote:

ORIGINAL: vampiresscammy

call me whatever you like, I choose switch as it covers my ability to take on a different roles based on my partners desires or needs, but its just a word, means very little, if someone looking for a partner automatically cancels me out based on the word label of switch, I'm sorry, they are not worth getting to knwo me anyways, if they can't get to know someone before judging, than tough crap for them

I hear some of you folks saying once bitten twice shy, but if you always assume the next person will bite you (without your consent or approval) then your so not being open to what that person might have to offer you, and thats a huge shame. that person could be that one to touch you so deep you always remember it, but you won't ever know if you let a label stop you.

just my thoughts, not trying to pick on anyone

Say rather 4 times bitten, 8 times shy. My own personal experience with male switches has been: "okay, I'll dominate you," then, once I'm involved, say "here, dominate me now." That wasn't what was agreed upon, but I'm a real pleaser, and I've tried. But it's not in me. Why put in the energy into something, and then they do a bait and switch on you? So, sadly, it's easier not to go there.

Does that mean I've missed out? Perhaps, but it's saved me a lot of heartache. I do need someone that is going to want to dominate me 24/7. It's not fair to either partner if we can't get our needs met.

I can understand pulling away for fear of bait and switch tactics, literally. I avoid this by simply saying.."Any role play we engage in is purely at my whim, never expect it as your right."

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to lapresence)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/23/2008 8:59:47 PM

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Joined: 1/24/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

I can understand pulling away for fear of bait and switch tactics, literally. I avoid this by simply saying.."Any role play we engage in is purely at my whim, never expect it as your right."

But I get off mentally on the concept of doing what I am told, but I need to know that I can mentally handle the play (meaning I'm not going to be asked to switch - cause I'm not in any way, shape, or fashion, dominant). Then I like all choice in the matter taken away. Kind of ruins the effect if I say that.

Of course we both know we can walk away, but.....

(in reply to Leatherist)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/23/2008 9:26:04 PM

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Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline

My partner and I are both switches. I am Domme he is sub for the most part, but at times I let him top me. We don't mind switching often back and forth as long as he knows who his Mistress is in the end.

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"be a dominatrix geez.......make him do what he's told"~Friend

(in reply to lapresence)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/23/2008 9:49:26 PM

Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

How many times have you seen that on profiles?

Why does it seem most hate switches?

Same reason why so many mono-sexuals don't want to be with bi ppl. Lack of understanding, lack of awareness, lack of trust...personal insecurity. There have been times in getting to know a potential slave, I reveal that I have switch tendencies. Many subs automatically think that means I would want them to top me at some point, before even asking me if that is what I mean. And back in my vanilla days, I was told by men and women that they were afraid I would leave them for someone of the opposite gender. Confusion. Fear...the list goes on...Oh, and I should also mention that many ppl writing that "no switches allowed" line, some of them think they won't be able to fill the needs of a switch...that they won't be enough for the "greedy" switch. And I'm sure there's more that I can't think if at the moment.

MNN

_____________________________

aka Ms Petal - Check Me out on the Web.

(in reply to Aneirin)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/23/2008 9:59:10 PM

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Joined: 12/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lapresence

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

I can understand pulling away for fear of bait and switch tactics, literally. I avoid this by simply saying.."Any role play we engage in is purely at my whim, never expect it as your right."

But I get off mentally on the concept of doing what I am told, but I need to know that I can mentally handle the play (meaning I'm not going to be asked to switch - cause I'm not in any way, shape, or fashion, dominant). Then I like all choice in the matter taken away. Kind of ruins the effect if I say that. Of course we both know we can walk away, but.....

I actually don't switch at all. Neither am I obsessively "on" all of the time. I've dated plenty of switches in my time, including bi ones. There was never any feeling of insecurity on my part, or feeling that I could not fill a "need". Nor were there any games about wanting to dom me.

My replies when "tested' were always the same.

"Feel free to do anything you like-with someone else. You already know my boundaries in this."

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to lapresence)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/23/2008 11:12:03 PM

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Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline

~fr~

Another thought is that perhaps, in the case of (some) submissives, that they are worried that someone else will dominate their dom/me, if he or she is a switch. This could lead them to be dominated by proxy. Simply put, they don't want someone to be just an authority, they want their dom/me to be the authority.

(in reply to Leatherist)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/23/2008 11:44:54 PM

Posts: 16
Joined: 5/24/2005
From: Uk West Midlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

I only see it in this way. I'm pure D. I can't be anything else. And all that means is that I can't give a switch all they need and that doesn't seem right or fair.

Which begs the question... Does identifying as switch actually mean you have to be alternating between roles dom and sub constantly in order to qualify?

Or is it possible to be in a relatively Monogamous D/s relationship as your s although still thinking of oneself as switch?

To me this point you raise is rather moot because I think people are far more complex than just the D or the s aspect. So much more about a relationship involving power dynamics involves an attraction on many other levels.

Do you see it as an impossibility for a switch to choose being submissive to you as a state they wish to remain in?

< Message edited by Violently -- 1/23/2008 11:46:54 PM >

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/24/2008 1:49:34 AM

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

I only see it in this way. I'm pure D. I can't be anything else. And all that means is that I can't give a switch all they need and that doesn't seem right or fair.

Ah, Miss M .. let me just say that you can absolutely give the 'right' switch for you, all that they need.

I'm bisexual. That doesn't mean that I have to fall in love with a man and a woman to feel fulfilled in my sexuality, it means I can fall in love with a man or a woman and feel fulfilled in my sexuality.

I'm also a switch. That means I am happy and content with topping or bottoming. I can live with either one .. I don't need both.

The fact that I'm also poly means that I have the ability to fall in love or engage in BDSM with more than one .. however, one is also more than enough for me as well.

What's above the neck means so much more to me than what's below the waist and neither of those is as important to me as what lies within the heart of someone.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/24/2008 3:08:36 AM

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Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

I only see it in this way. I'm pure D. I can't be anything else. And all that means is that I can't give a switch all they need and that doesn't seem right or fair.

Sure you could. While many assume all switches desire to switch within the same relationship or cannot give up one side in favor of the other, I've found that's rarely the case and it certainly isn't true for me most of the time. If I'm in a relationship with someone that's Dominant, I have zero desire to top them and no problem not topping anyone. That same statement isn't true the other way around for me, thus the type of relationships I can enter on the other side are limited. That is my desire to enter into a situation where I can never be submissive is nonexistent. However, I'm very honest about that with the subs I talk to and I've rarely found that is the issue in discussions. It really comes down to compatibility. Like any other trait, we seek to find someone that seeks that thing also. This is no different.

I think the thing one must always remember is that a bad experience with one person in a role doesn't mean a bad experience with everyone in that role. I've met some very clueless Doms in my day, I don't believe all Doms are clueless because of it, however, it does seem to be the case that some believe one or two bad switch experiences are applicable to all. Almost nothing is ever universally applicable to all of any class of people.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/24/2008 3:35:26 AM

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Joined: 12/19/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

How many times have you seen that on profiles?

Why does it seem most hate switches?

Its disappointing but seems to be true. Why can't someone have their cake and eat it too

(in reply to Aneirin)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/24/2008 4:11:36 AM

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I've never understood that saying. What's the point of cake if you cannot eat it?

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to KnOcala)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/24/2008 6:16:49 AM

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Joined: 1/1/2008
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I think we are 'ill' adapted for those looking for a long term D/S relationship. At least I have never really found anyone in the community that could make me think 'Well it looks like we are compatible...I Wouldn't need much to fall in love with her'.

Switch are curious. Switch needs to explore both sides of the game. For example I have experienced a gay relation just because I was curious. I didn't like it...But now I know why.

Most switches I know where first sub or dom(me) at the beginning and then wanted to experience the other side of the game.

I did experiment a lot of things that weren't related to BDSM per se. I like being sadist, I like being masochist...But well most of the time I just need sensuality, fun...I don't know...Something without beeing handcuffed or with a whip in my hand. I even tried soft exhibitionism even if i'm shy in public usually. Just to experiment something new and please my girlfriend of that time. Sex is fun! ;-)

I think what really annoy dom(me) or sub is that we don't take all these things as serious as they'd like to be.

Personnally I can't stand BDSM lifestyle, because I don't see myself as a dom or sub every single day in my own house. I'd feel like I play a character all day long. All the serious relationships I had were outside the BDSM community. I don't see myself serving as a 'slave' anybody for weeks...Sooner or later I will kick her gorgeous arse nor do I see myself with somebody unable to defend her own point of view, especially when I'm wrong.

I want a "real" woman, not a princess, not a slut, just a real woman, a true human being with all her complexities and sincerity. Somebody that I could sherish, respect and consider as my egual partner in this life.

So those looking for serious D/S relationship are right to exclude me, we aren't compatible, they know it, I know it.

See the positive side of it. You are versatile. Most will have a hard time to find happiness outside BDSM, you won't. That's your biggest strengh. Explore, be curious, keep an open mind and leave all the boring things, especially identity crisis to the others ;-). I think you should look at those funny girls, intelligent, open minded too quickly labelled as "Vanilla"...Things you take as shameful kinks could receive a surprising welcome (well not the first day ;-)).

Olivier

< Message edited by oliderid -- 1/24/2008 6:29:17 AM >

(in reply to Aneirin)

RE: Switches need not apply - 1/24/2008 6:24:49 AM

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Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: oliderid

I think we are 'ill' adapted for those looking for a long term D/S relationship. At least I have never really found anyone in the community that could make me think 'Well it looks like we are compatible...I Wouldn't need much to fall in love with her'.

This statement may apply to you, but please don't use the word "we" as it sure doesn't apply to me or many other switches that are friends of mine who function very well in their ltrs.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to oliderid)

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